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    Why did the pervert cross the road?

    Couldn't pull out of the chicken...
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    (Original post by piginapoke)
    Why do elephants wear green hats?

    So they can sneak across snooker tables.
    Dude you killed it...

    And on that note I'm off to bed. Damn, didn't do the due work, AGAIN! Got free lessons tomorrow, but I won't make it... wish me well people and congratulations Ollie!
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    [COLOR=darkorange]i dnt get any of these jokes srry guys!!!!!!!!!![/COL[IMG]IMG] OR]
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    3 old people are sitting on a park bench..a naked jogger runs past..two of the old ladies had a stroke..the other one just couldnt reach
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    Q: how many posh lil girls does it take to change a lightbulb???

    A: 2, one to hold the diet coke and another to call daddy

    xxx
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    1. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

    2. Smart man + smart woman = romance
    Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
    Dumb man + smart woman = affair
    Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

    3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

    4. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    5. Women look to one man to satisfy her every need. Men look to every woman to satisfy his one need.
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    How to write a paper

    Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

    Check your email.

    Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

    Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

    Check your email.

    Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class.
    -- If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate.
    -- If your friend shows you her/her paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him/her.

    When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

    Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

    Check your email.

    You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since the fourth grade.
    -- You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

    Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

    Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it.
    -- I mean it. As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

    Listen to the other side.

    Check your email.

    Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

    Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he/she has started writing yet.
    -- Exchange derogatory remarks about your professor, course, the university, the world at large.

    Sit in a straight, comfortable chair.

    Have a Lifesaver.
    -- Savor its special flavor across your tongue.

    Check your email.

    Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
    -- Note: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
    a) Pro Bowlers Tour
    b) any movie starring Don Ameche

    Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on Channel 26.

    Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he/she was watching.
    -- Discuss the finer points of the plot.

    Check your email.

    Look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

    Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home.
    -- Ask who everyone is.

    Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

    Open our door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

    Check your email.

    Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

    Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.

    Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

    Lie face down on the floor and moan.

    Check your email.

    Leap up and write the paper.

    Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.

    Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that darn paper.
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    (Original post by piginapoke)
    What's black and screams?

    Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
    lol v good

    did you you hear stevie wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday?

    best book he's ever read.
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    (Original post by Iluvatar)
    How to write a paper

    Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

    Check your email.

    Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

    Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

    Check your email.

    Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class.
    -- If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate.
    -- If your friend shows you her/her paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him/her.

    When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

    Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

    Check your email.

    You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since the fourth grade.
    -- You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

    Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

    Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it.
    -- I mean it. As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

    Listen to the other side.

    Check your email.

    Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

    Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he/she has started writing yet.
    -- Exchange derogatory remarks about your professor, course, the university, the world at large.

    Sit in a straight, comfortable chair.

    Have a Lifesaver.
    -- Savor its special flavor across your tongue.

    Check your email.

    Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
    -- Note: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
    a) Pro Bowlers Tour
    b) any movie starring Don Ameche

    Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on Channel 26.

    Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he/she was watching.
    -- Discuss the finer points of the plot.

    Check your email.

    Look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

    Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home.
    -- Ask who everyone is.

    Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

    Open our door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

    Check your email.

    Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

    Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.

    Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

    Lie face down on the floor and moan.

    Check your email.

    Leap up and write the paper.

    Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.

    Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that darn paper.
    sounds like my method of doin my coursework.
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    (Original post by piginapoke)
    How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

    Put a nipple on it.
    *tut tut tut* it always u!

    but i luv ya anyways
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    (Original post by happysunshine)
    Two sharks who were sick of eating tuna and said: 'Let's go to Morecambe for a Chinese.'

    The chineese were picking cockels and they were told to stop when the tide got to knee hi

    but knihi was sitting in the van at the time ¬.¬
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    (Original post by piginapoke)
    *blush*
    now now. no need to be embarassed.

    2 green gems i have. 2 green gems la la la!
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by piginapoke)
    2 green gems are 10 a penny.
    huh? well its took me ages to earn them tho im tryin 2 keep em! hehe
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    why can't stevie wonder read?

    because he's black
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    What does MJ have after dinner??

    Under eights

    Why duz Micheal Jackson like shagging 28 yearolds

    cos theres 20 of them
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    (Original post by piginapoke)
    Green isn't my colour, do you want mine?
    oooh yeh if ur offerin... i quite like them myself, sitting beside my post count. lol
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    (Original post by piginapoke)
    Post count shmost count! Mind you they do look nice next to your rather fetching photo
    mmm if u say so... lol

    i wud love to have 3 gems tho if u wana spare one of urs?? hehehe

    watch the neg rep now iv said that... evn tho some peeps r like "give me rep give me rep" and they get it! argh!
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    what have harold shipman and gareth gates got in common?


    both cant finish a sentence

    what has a russian submarine and a used condom got in common?


    they both contain useless seamen

    have you seen the new oragami channel on sky?

    its on pay-per-view (getit?)

    sadly you may have missed it....the production company has folded....


    WATCH THIS! HAVE SOUND ON!

    http://www.funnyinside.com/mlpic481.shtml
 
 
 

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