On a teacher's recommendation, I took two highers - politics and computing - in S3. In the weeks following the exams, I've become disillusioned with my initial high hopes, and have managed to convince myself that, while I don't think I dipped to a C, I don't think I can have got more than a B in either.
Oxford is my ideal school, and my Int 2/SG predictions all had me at Oxford level. With this ridiculous act of hubris, however, have I killed my Oxford chances? If I had only had the humility not to try to take two highers, however soft, by a variously reliable system of poorly-coordinated self-study (the teachers from other schools who were slated to take my Higher Computing never put in an appearance, but I can't lay the blame on them - once one term had passed without their ministry, I should have bitten the bullet and done it entirely as self-study, rather than Beckettianly waiting and doing only as my "facilitator" said!), in third year, would I still be looking forward to Oxford?
There is no point in torturing myself with the belief that I might still be able to get in if I've blown my chances already. So: in what I fear is the most likely scenario - that I have two Bs at Higher in S3 - could I redeem myself and be competitive for Oxford if I get an A in every Int 2/SG Credit next year and in every Higher the year after, despite this blot? Does it make any difference that the courses for which I was intending to apply at Oxford don't require politics or computing?
(I feel sick. I wish I weren't so stupidly headstrong. I wish I weren't so lazy.)