Friends and stuff

I had the impression starting uni would be this amazing new experience. 6 months in, and I'm bored. Really really bored.

I ended up living with 2 girls, and 3 boys. I don't get on with one of the girls, and because of this, its caused a major rift between me and most of her friends. They'll say hi to me, but thats it. Wouldn't be a problem if they weren't all the people on the rest of my floor.

The one girl I am good friends with, has a boyfriend. And every weekend, I just don't see her, because she's with him. I get that they want to spend time together, and it's nothing to do with resentment from that at all. But, during the week, we hardly go out. I didn't go out once last week, not even to the cinema. Whenever we do go out, she stays almost completely sober, and never seems to enjoy herself (even though she says otherwise). And yeah, its usually just us 2 going out. She's not made any friends on her course, and I'll get round to my problem below. It's just no fun though, she's usually "broke" too. Even though she spends less and gets more money than me.

I've made a couple of friends on my course, but only one close friend. She moved down here with her boyfriend. Whenever she goes out, its with his friends, and their flatmates etc. It seems to be at such a point where I can't ask to go along (not that I would anyway, I feel rude doing that) and so i feel like I have limited friends to go out with, limited things to do, and I'm bored.

I didn't join any societies, none of them really took my interest. What can I do? How can I, this late in the term, turn this all around so that I can have more of a social life? Any tips from anyone, please? I'm rather desperate.

Reply 1

latentcorpse

12

talk to the girl u dislike

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

Yeah thats pretty obvious but... Its not gonna work. Other flatmates of mine, have written things about her on the noticeboard, which im assuming from the nasty comments about me, she thinks I did. She hates me, if I go tell her it wasn't me, but someone she seems to get on with.. Who's she gonna believe? And the one who did it won't own up. So yeah. It's been too long now anyway.

Reply 3

Philosophia

2

Okay, I was kinda in the same situation as you - feeling that I had lost all enthusiasm for stuff. However, that was because 60% of the work for my first year in the first semester, so I had no time for societies and stuff, though I did try. Anyway, the first step would be definitely trying to reconcile with the girl. It will make things alot easier - believe me. I know the idea of talking to her seems a pain in the arse, but even if you don't even get a friendship or accquaintance out of it - just remaining civil to one another will change things in your house.

The only way to make friends Anon is to get yourself out there. DO join societies, go on socials, try to intergrate with your course, join a sports team etc etc.

Good Luck
x

Reply 4

RL99

1

Anonymous

I had the impression starting uni would be this amazing new experience. 6 months in, and I'm bored. Really really bored.

I ended up living with 2 girls, and 3 boys. I don't get on with one of the girls, and because of this, its caused a major rift between me and most of her friends. They'll say hi to me, but thats it. Wouldn't be a problem if they weren't all the people on the rest of my floor.

The one girl I am good friends with, has a boyfriend. And every weekend, I just don't see her, because she's with him. I get that they want to spend time together, and it's nothing to do with resentment from that at all. But, during the week, we hardly go out. I didn't go out once last week, not even to the cinema. Whenever we do go out, she stays almost completely sober, and never seems to enjoy herself (even though she says otherwise). And yeah, its usually just us 2 going out. She's not made any friends on her course, and I'll get round to my problem below. It's just no fun though, she's usually "broke" too. Even though she spends less and gets more money than me.

I've made a couple of friends on my course, but only one close friend. She moved down here with her boyfriend. Whenever she goes out, its with his friends, and their flatmates etc. It seems to be at such a point where I can't ask to go along (not that I would anyway, I feel rude doing that) and so i feel like I have limited friends to go out with, limited things to do, and I'm bored.

I didn't join any societies, none of them really took my interest. What can I do? How can I, this late in the term, turn this all around so that I can have more of a social life? Any tips from anyone, please? I'm rather desperate.

Firstly I'd like to say that the impression (from the outside) of university life is that everyone there has loads of good friends, has a great social life, and enjoys themself 100% of the time, and if you don't there's something wrong with you. This is absolute nonsense.
I thought- or hoped anyway- that this would be the case with me, i.e. that I'd love my social life, find a group of good friends, and a girlfriend at some point. It hasn't happened, and I'm not sure what I've done wrong, and it is frustrating.
If you're a first year, which from the sounds of it you are, then I think you have to accept that most people are pretty false early on, and if you're unlucky then you just won't be especially good friends with the people you live with. I tried unbelievably hard to get on with everyone who I lived with in the first year but in the end I felt like I was forcing it. I went out plenty but by the end it felt like they were inviting me because they felt they had to rather than because they really wanted me there. I haven't really seen many of them much since (third year now) and I've had to try and find friends other ways. And don't feel bad that you didn't go out last week, I haven't been out at uni all year!
Sorry if this sounds like I'm hijacking this to talk about me but hopefully it shows that other people are in the same situation too...as regards possible solutions to your problem, what course do you do? I do Aerospace Engineering which isn't particularly social most of the time (as well as a frustrating bloke-fest), but I have made some mates doing group projects. Have you got any coming up, or maybe next year if that's not too late (I know you're looking for a solution for this year)? What about next year, are you living in a house, and are you living with anyone you don't know yet (as I did)? If so could you organise some social get-togethers with them to get to know them? As regards societies, did none of them really interest you? Music, sport, the arts, religion, or whatever? I joined the music society and one of the best things I've done at uni has been getting in a band, playing music, and making friends with my bandmates. It's made having no social life a bit easier to take this year. If worst comes to worst (and you have the money), then assuming some of your friends from home went to uni, maybe you could visit them and sample a different town/city (and uni)? I've done it a few times this year and was well worth it.
Hope this is some help!

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

Thanks for your eply RL99. Now for my counter arguments though!

1. Next year I shall be in a house with 2 of the people I currently live with. Noone new. So unfortunately thats not going to help my situation!

2. I'm doing Accounting. Not many group projects in that.. And I know everyone in my seminar group, but its a really small group, and theres few girls. (I can make male friends quite easily, and thats not a problem, but I need girly mates to go out with etc as I don't like to be out with a group of mainly boys!). I know all these girls, and we get on. But I feel like they've all made their social groups now, and I can't just wiggle my way in there so-to-speak! Oh, and in lectures, I have my friend, and so there isn't really any reason to start random conversations with people! I'd just look weird...

3. Clubs. Societies. Hmm. I don't have any musical interests, or religion, or art.. And when it comes to sport, I think its my confidence thats stopped me joining them. I've always been quite large (14-16) and I feel very self concious when in a room full of sporty, thin girls. Theres a few sports I'd like to do, but I wouldn't have the confidence to go alone, without anyone I already knew there.

4. None, and I mean none, of my friends went to uni. I don't have a huge amount of friends back home either, I drift from people too easily.

Alot of it, I know, comes down to my confidence. I'm convinced people don't like me till they really know me, and it takes alot for that to happen, doesn't it?!

I think I'll maybe try and ask my coursemate if I can perhaps join her on a night out soon. I'm so scared I'm going to sound/look pathetic, and that she'll think I'm being clingy or annoying or something.

Reply 6

pol_student

8

God, you both sound like me to some extent.

Anon - go for it. Maybe she's been wanting to ask you, but didn't think you'd be interested. If noone ever pushes, then you'll get nowhere and you'll never build any greater friendships than what you've got now.... thinking of that, I'm going to take my own advice and do the same this week!

Reply 7

RL99

1

Anonymous

Thanks for your eply RL99. Now for my counter arguments though!

1. Next year I shall be in a house with 2 of the people I currently live with. Noone new. So unfortunately thats not going to help my situation!

2. I'm doing Accounting. Not many group projects in that.. And I know everyone in my seminar group, but its a really small group, and theres few girls. (I can make male friends quite easily, and thats not a problem, but I need girly mates to go out with etc as I don't like to be out with a group of mainly boys!). I know all these girls, and we get on. But I feel like they've all made their social groups now, and I can't just wiggle my way in there so-to-speak! Oh, and in lectures, I have my friend, and so there isn't really any reason to start random conversations with people! I'd just look weird...

3. Clubs. Societies. Hmm. I don't have any musical interests, or religion, or art.. And when it comes to sport, I think its my confidence thats stopped me joining them. I've always been quite large (14-16) and I feel very self concious when in a room full of sporty, thin girls. Theres a few sports I'd like to do, but I wouldn't have the confidence to go alone, without anyone I already knew there.

4. None, and I mean none, of my friends went to uni. I don't have a huge amount of friends back home either, I drift from people too easily.

Alot of it, I know, comes down to my confidence. I'm convinced people don't like me till they really know me, and it takes alot for that to happen, doesn't it?!

I think I'll maybe try and ask my coursemate if I can perhaps join her on a night out soon. I'm so scared I'm going to sound/look pathetic, and that she'll think I'm being clingy or annoying or something.

So the counter-counter...

1. Oh well- here's hoping you still get on with these people (unlike some of my house in the first year who bought a house together in about November-time and by the end of the year some of them barely even spoke!).

2. I know what you mean about needing a group of the same sex. I think the majority of people, regardless of how well they get on with the opposite sex, will still have friend groups of mostly the same sex. A mate did last semester in a uni in Canada with 8 girls from his uni here- drove him mad! I know what you mean about people having established social groups and feeling like you're mooching off them if you go out with this already-established social group- since it can be pretty awkward and puts a bit of unfair pressure on the person who's both your friend and theirs. It depends how awkward you and they feel about it- if their friends are reasonable, they won't mind you being there surely? I had a similar situation last year, I went out a few times with mates off my course (who've all gone on placement this year :mad:

), except of course it was them and their friends from the first year, though they were mostly cool with it, still felt a little weird though. And no, lectures is no time to start random chat with people...mind you I can't do that anyway.

3. The arts/music/religion thing were just randoms...there are quite a diverse range of societies though (depends on your uni), my problem is firstly that I'm too shy to go on my own (like you by the sounds of things), that I don't have time any more, and that as a third year I'd feel really old :wink:

What sports do you/did you want to try? Bear in mind if you are 'large' (sorry-your words), that not all sports are best suited to thin people who can run all day- rugby is a sport that suits many different body types (contrary to the stereotype that all rugby players are massive). Maybe it's not your thing, just an example that I know quite a lot about, but there are others!

4. I see - what do you mean drift from people though? Unlike at uni I'm fortunate at home to have a close-knit group with a good social life- what about people you went to school/college with?

I hear what you're saying about confidence, and I think it's a bit unfair that the most openly-friendly people become the most popular and liked, not that I begrudge them that, just that there are plenty of shy people who are just as interesting and fun. Personally I think the really open (sometimes loud) people aren't particularly interesting to talk to one-on-one because they're so vocal that you already know everything about them! Much more satisfying to get to know someone who's quieter but has lots of hidden depth to them.
Good Luck-
RL

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