Past love...

I have to use the anon option, from fear of being recognised by people I might know on here. (I have changed the names of the people in this post).

Rewind back to August 2004. I met a guy named Kevin. He and I loved each others' company. Hell, we went to Niagara Falls for a weekend and Montréal for a week, all within three weeks of dating each other. We loved each other. We went through alot of ups and downs, but on the whole, it was a beautiful relationship. Fast-forward 18 months and we ended our relationship.

Now, about 8 months later, I'm seeing someone else (Brian), and we just finished 1 month on friday. However, Kevin and I still exchange e-mails from time-to-time. Well, he wanted to end talking to each other permanently last-night through e-mail. I told him I had to see him atleast once more before doing anything like that. He agreed. We got together today, and this was to be the last time we ever see each other again....we walked in a park, then grabbed a bite to eat, after which I drove him to the nearest subway station. We hugged and said our goodbyes.

I really like the guy I am seeing now, but a part of me still longs to be with Kevin. He was a very important part of my life (albeit for only 18 months, but for a 20 yr old, it is still a significant amount of time), I cannot simply end things like this. And apparently he feels the same way.

These are excerpts from an e-mail he sent me last night....

"I want to thank you, first of all, for your love, a type of unconditional love that I could never get from anyone else. A first love that can never be replaced. A love that would never allow me to get hurt.

"In a nutshell, Aaron, thank you for treating me better than anyone has ever treated me, and better than most people can ever expect to be treated. You deserve everything good that can possibly come to you. As fate would have it, my mind was not suited to carry our relationship beyond a certain point. I broke my promise to you, and this a guilt that is too great to remove from my shoulders.

"Thank you Aaron, for giving my life some meaning, and for allowing me to put some things into perspective. There are truly few people in this world who are capable of doing real good - and you are one of those people. Everything you touch will turn into gold, Aaron. I believe in you."

After seeing him tonight, I sent him an e-mail and said the following (excerpt):

"You made me feel loved for the first time in my life, we had our problems, but we were able to get through things - together. Sometimes, even now, I stay awake at night and cry, as I had so much hope for us and our relationship. This is probably very naïve of me to say, but when we were together, I had everything I had ever wanted. At that point in my life, I considered myself to be the luckiest man alive. I had a boyfriend who loved me, and whom I loved. I cherished every moment I shared with you. My only regret was not telling you that I loved you, everyday."

Well, Kevin replied back to my e-mail and asked to continue to be able to talk to each other, and perhaps see each other from time-to-time. I want to say yes. I would love to say yes. However, I am unable to do this, without my loyalty to Brian being questioned, as needless to say, Brian has no idea of any of this, and I feel guilty. I have decided to tell Brian about what has been going on, as it would not be fair to him for me to keep this a secret. But do I still continue to communicate with Kevin? Should I meet him for coffee or lunches from time to time?

I guess, at the end of it all, I do not know what to do.

I'd usually not post things like this and would keep things like this bottled in me, but I feel like I could use some constructive responses. So...well, I guess this is the part of the message board I wait for responses...?

Reply 1

Tarts_n_Vicars

Regardless of the Brian situation to me it seems clear that Kevin is playing with your feelings because he knows he can. He goes through the drama of saying "no we must not talk again" so you ask for one last meeting. Then after this last meeting he emails (why....he's the one who wanted to end the communication??) with this whole "you're too good for me" routine.

Whatever sort of guy he was when you were together he's acting out now, I'd cut off all contact from your side when he least expects it to see how he reacts. Right now he likes it because he's calling the shots, take that away from him and see what happens.

PS: Most people will say a part of them will always belong to their first love, it doesn't mean they don't move on to be happier without them.