The Student Room Group

problems of being very nice

hello

i love my religion and i have had a good upbringing which means i like to do nice things for everyone. man/woman/child.

i like to do cute things, like randomly get a friend a really cute gift cos they are sad or i see something they d like. or organise a surprise party for a friends birthday when they dont even know i know it is their birthday. or calling someone randomly that i hardly speak to just cos i notice they r not in lectures recently to checjk they r ok. or going far out of my way to help someone who i dont know that well. like i felt sorry for a guy i vaguely know cos he didnt get a work placement, but i did. so i spend alot of time and $ copying all my work and applications to help him in the future. and i offered to go through stuff with him.

people get really nasty and weird about this. men think i fancy them/want to marry them. women get totally b*tchy and think i want something from them, and are wary of me and ask me weird questions and seems suspicious

anyone else have this?what do i do?

its so sad in this world that we cant even be nice to each other without motives.

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Reply 1
To be honest I think you're acting as a good christian. And following Jesus' golden rule of simply 'treat others how you want to be treated'. Theres no shame in this, unfortunately you must realise the rest of the world does not often behave like this. Some people do what you are doing for some alterior motive, hence people being suspicious of you. I say keep doing what you are doing and soon people will realise it is just who you are, and will appreciate it.
Reply 2
Just carry on. From a Christian perspective, (not RC, I admit), the only person you should worry about pleasing is Jesus, because when we help someone, it's as if we helped him. Tell them you did it because you're a Christian. It's certainly an novel conversation opener :biggrin:
Isn't that nice! You're like sooo going to heaven!
Reply 4
Pretty Boy
So basically she did because she wants to go to heaven.

So she's really acting in her own interests.

Oh, and 'anon's post was funny.


It's a subtle difference, perhaps one you can't understand unless you're religious. As a Christian, whether or not I go to heaven is out of my control. I am sure, however, that I will (as is everyone else :rollseyes:smile:. I do things not because I want to go to heaven, but I do them out of love. God made all of us, not just me. Jesus commanded us to love everyone. Thus, I try to treat people with the respect I would give a member of my familly. The beggar in the street, high on drugs, and the bully in the classroom, as made of the same flesh and blood as I am. It would be wrong to think myself above them.
Reply 5
shinytoy
hello

i love my religion and i have had a good upbringing which means i like to do nice things for everyone. man/woman/child.

i like to do cute things, like randomly get a friend a really cute gift cos they are sad or i see something they d like. or organise a surprise party for a friends birthday when they dont even know i know it is their birthday. or calling someone randomly that i hardly speak to just cos i notice they r not in lectures recently to checjk they r ok. or going far out of my way to help someone who i dont know that well. like i felt sorry for a guy i vaguely know cos he didnt get a work placement, but i did. so i spend alot of time and $ copying all my work and applications to help him in the future. and i offered to go through stuff with him.

people get really nasty and weird about this. men think i fancy them/want to marry them. women get totally b*tchy and think i want something from them, and are wary of me and ask me weird questions and seems suspicious

anyone else have this?what do i do?

its so sad in this world that we cant even be nice to each other without motives.


IMO it is possible to be TOO nice. The stuff you do for you friends like buying them gifts and organising parties for them sound like really nice gestures which anyone decent will appreciate. However, phoning people who you barely know to see why they haven't been to lectures etc does sound like you're checking up on them and is bordering on being intrusive. And with the guy who you got the placement instead of you, tbh I'm sure your intentions were honourable, but if it were me I think you'd be the last person I'd want to talk to (bar saying well done on getting it), petty I know. 'Offering to go through stuff with him' does sound a touch patronising though!
I'm going to be a wee bit controversial now but if your posts on here are anything to go by then you do come off as somewhat judgemental on account of your religious beliefs. If this is true in real life then it may cause some resentment. Also some people - perhaps cynically - are sceptical of people they hardly know helping them and will view them as do-gooders, even though I think I'm fairly tolerant I think behaviour like this can be annoying at times.
Your last statement seems a bit of a contradiction though, yes doing something without personal motives would be great, but rarely happens. Are you seriously saying you never do these things for personal gratification? Or because you feel motivated to do it on Religious grounds?
Just my two cents :wink:
Reply 6
shinytoy
hello

i love my religion and i have had a good upbringing which means i like to do nice things for everyone. man/woman/child.

i like to do cute things, like randomly get a friend a really cute gift cos they are sad or i see something they d like. or organise a surprise party for a friends birthday when they dont even know i know it is their birthday. or calling someone randomly that i hardly speak to just cos i notice they r not in lectures recently to checjk they r ok. or going far out of my way to help someone who i dont know that well. like i felt sorry for a guy i vaguely know cos he didnt get a work placement, but i did. so i spend alot of time and $ copying all my work and applications to help him in the future. and i offered to go through stuff with him.

people get really nasty and weird about this. men think i fancy them/want to marry them. women get totally b*tchy and think i want something from them, and are wary of me and ask me weird questions and seems suspicious

anyone else have this?what do i do?

its so sad in this world that we cant even be nice to each other without motives.


I suggest you shouldn't worry about what other people think and like what other people said on the posts above; stay that way and be yourself. I have friends who act like you and I really appreciate it and they are great! I totally love them for it. And I'm sure most people love you for what you do and appreciate it.

If people are being negative about it, I say aviod those kinda people, they're not worth it. you get some people who are akward and some who appreciate it..I guess thats life...

I think there should be more people like you, nice people are the ones who are more likely to succeed in life by helping others, and they are also quite popular for being friendly :biggrin:

So be happy and keep you head up high; do what makes you feel happy :smile:

:suith: Sezkin:suith:
Ignorance is bliss, and all that.
Reply 8
i think everyone goes to heaven who truly believes/chooses Jesus/what is right over evil at the moment of death. i dont think it is 'be good or else', i think it is to do with the soul and your inner morality.

but i do nice things because , yea i like it. it does make me feel happy. i like to be nice. and if i can help someone then i will. but i find it very hurtful that people always think there is a reason
Reply 9
shinytoy
i think everyone goes to heaven who truly believes/chooses Jesus/what is right over evil at the moment of death. i dont think it is 'be good or else', i think it is to do with the soul and your inner morality.

but i do nice things because , yea i like it. it does make me feel happy. i like to be nice. and if i can help someone then i will. but i find it very hurtful that people always think there is a reason


So you never do anything that isn't 'nice'?
I say, carry on doing nice things, but I think the phonecalling people when they haven't been around is a little bit over the top.

Just be generally friendly and eventually people will see that you're not doing it for anything in return from them.

Why is nearly everyone on this thread judging the OP? They have missed the point.
Reply 11
Pretty Boy
Yeah, but you know in your mind that if you 'love' everyone you stand a better chance of going to the pearly gates.

So whether it be conscious or subconscious, you're really just working for yourself.


You have a point, but I'm not actually sure that it affects it that much.

Funny how these religious people believe they're selfless when its clear to everyone they're not.


I didn't say that (as far as I can see). I do try to be selfless, but trying and being are two different things.
Reply 12
Princess Ana

I do try to be selfless, but trying and being are two different things.


Exactly - none of us are always 'very nice' since we are all prone to human failings.

And not being able to see that is one of our biggest faults. :rolleyes:

On D&D Philosophy sub-forum, the question of whether one can be truly altruistic was examined and the conclusion was that it was not possible to be truly altruistic since, in giving we are receiving and that is its own reward. :smile:
Reply 13
ok ok

i mean being nice without MATERIAL or EXTERNAL motivation.
other than motivation by God, or 'feeling good'

i mean if i said to any of these people 'i help you because i want to go to heaven' or 'i believe in God' or 'i want to help you because it makes me happy'

i think they'd still think i was weird and be suspicious, probably more so
Reply 14
yawn
In D&D Philosophy sub-forum, the question of whether one can be truly altruistic was examined and the conclusion was that it was not possible to be truly altruistic since, in giving we are receiving and that is its own reward. :smile:


Ooo, very good point. I've never thought about it like that, but it does have a ring to it.
I think the point of the OP is that she doesn't have an ulterior motive of getting something in return from the people she's helping.
Reply 16
doublesharp.x
I think the point of the OP is that she doesn't have an ulterior motive of getting something in return from the people she's helping.


I'm sure that on a conscious level, the OP doesn't have an ulterior motive.

However, as already expressed, giving is rewarding and thus there is a 'pay-back' to the giver - whether in the feeling of 'self satisfied 'rosy glow' or the gratitude of the receiver.
Reply 17
Also, very nice people are naturally very nice.

They don't even notice they're being nice, because they're just being themselves.

And they definitely wouldn't come on an internet forum telling everyone about the problems of being 'nice'.
Reply 18
Pretty Boy - you're quite perceptive. :wink:
yawn
I'm sure that on a subconscious level, the OP doesn't have an ulterior motive.

However, as already expressed, giving is rewarding and thus there is a 'pay-back' to the giver - whether in the feeling of 'self satisfied 'rosy glow' or the gratitude of the receiver.


Yeah, but consider the context. She said:

are wary of me and ask me weird questions and seems suspicious


so it seems that she means motive as in getting something from the person who she helped, rather than the situation having much to do with religion at all.