The Student Room Group

Long Distance Relationship Problems

My gf and I have been together for more than 2 years now. Most of that time was in our 2nd and 3rd year at Uni, but now I've moved back to the far off country where I live. She came out for a couple of months in the summer, but didn't like it, I went back for a couple of weaks in November-December to do various things. We are staying together because I said that we should seeing as I might go back to UK for a Masters in September.

But recently I feel like I have to make all the effort to keep this long-distance thing going. I am the one who calls, and when I do its always like I have to drive the conversation most of the time which is very taxing. She usually emails me back when I email her, and sometimes she has sent longer emails than me, but she never calls or emails me of her own accord only in reply to me. It seems like we are drifting apart, and I don't have the energy to be the only one trying working to make it work. Some times she is a bit passive-aggressive, and she hasn't emailed me for a while, is she playing games with me? Does she want me to break up with her? What should I do?

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I don't think she's playing games with you but is most likely questionning where your relationship could go in the long term. Right now you've moved to a country she's been to and doesn't particularly like and don't appear to have any plans to come back to the UK unless it's for a Masters....so if you don't come back and she won't move there, how is it going to work? You said you were the one who suggested you stay together on the off chance you come back for a Masters....maybe she doesn't want to do the long term relationship thing with you? You've been together long enough to be able to talk to each other, have you mentioned how you feel like you're doing all the work lately? She genuinely might not have noticed...but at least it will force a discussion on the issue you both seem to be afraid to mention.

Good luck :smile:
Reply 2
My personal experience is that long-distance relationships tend NOT to last very long.

Now, that doesnt mean you should go and break up with her right now, but you should SERIOUSLY consider the relationship - specially if she's acting stand-offish. Was she like that before as well, or has it all started right after you moved here?

Because if it has started when you moved here, then I can think of two possibilities:
(1) She doesn't love you anymore (probably coz she thinks it's not gonna work out)
(2) Worst case scenario, she has some other guy in life

Think about it... talk to her... ask her what she is thinking of the relationship... if things dont work out, it's time to end it...

Peace
Reply 3
Thanks people. Thing is she sent me a really nice present and wrote a lovely aniversary card saying she loved me and hoped we could make it work and be together in a years time... Unfortunately we were bickering at the time it actually arrived and I was angry because she didnt value what I was doing with my time in my year off (tutoring to earn some money, working on Masters applications and helping my family - doing things for my mum's office and also tutoring younger siblings for their exams), so I didnt explicitely respond except by thanking her for the present (but then its not as if the lovely things she said in the card where questions). Its difficult for a guy when their gf doesnt get what they are doing, doesnt exactly respect it, and isnt supportive. I get the feeling she wants to settle down in some lesser city in the UK, she is slightly (a few months) older than me, but she is a lot older in the sense that she wants to be really independent. Where I live, its very expensive (worse than London), and people live in extended families pretty much until they get married because you cant afford to rent a place of your own. I think she doesnt like the idea that I will continue to half live with and help my family a lot in the next few years of my life. Anyway maybe youre right that its not going to work, there are so many other issues and problems that I wont bore you with... because I am going on a bit, maybe I know what I need to do, but just need somebody else to say it too so that I dont think I am going mad... if you get what i mean :frown:
Well now it sounds as if you have as many reservations about the relationship as she might have. What do you mean she isn't respecting what you're doing....because she isn't falling over herself to praise you for being a nice guy or because she's actually said something like she doesn't like you helping your family?!

To be honest if there is that much resentment between you...maybe a break would be best. If it's right it will all work out in the end.
Reply 5
Tarts_n_Vicars
Well now it sounds as if you have as many reservations about the relationship as she might have. What do you mean she isn't respecting what you're doing....because she isn't falling over herself to praise you for being a nice guy or because she's actually said something like she doesn't like you helping your family?!

To be honest if there is that much resentment between you...maybe a break would be best. If it's right it will all work out in the end.

She has said that she doesnt get it. And that doing work for your family isnt real work, implying that its not worthwhile and she cant see the point. Yet she readily accepted her older sisters kind offer to live with her and her bf when she didnt have anywhere to stay this year (she stayed there for several months and has just found a place of her own in Norwich). Still she really hates her mother, and I think she just has a different attitude to family than me. She says why do I help younger siblings with work and exams when they are ungrateful, and If I mention that they are she gets angry and says well why do you help them? you are to blame... And the thing is it is indirectly to help my mum (Im not mercinary about it but my mum does a lot for me, she supports my unorthodox career ambitions and is willing to pay for me to do postgrad), but also my gf doesnt get that helping my siblings all get into good universities, whether they are grateful or not, is hugely in my and the families interests... She doesnt get why I should be bothered about my family in that way, and has a very British conception of family which I regard as a tad selfish...

That whole issue hasnt surfaced recently, but I know what she thinks, and we have kind of agreed to differ on a couple of issues and not fight about them, because some of them are unresolvable (ie our perspectives wont change) but circumstances may remove them as problems in the future, you see arguments at this distance are very damaging, because its not like when you are together and can kiss and make up, have a cuddle and cry or engage in really angry sex together. I guess that is why as you said we have been avoiding some issues, we both think its better to talk about them in person, and if we are going to break up then niether wants to do it over the phone/email...
I know where you're coming from, I used to go out with a guy who was from a really close knit family like yours whereas my family are a little hostile to say the least BUT if anything I was jealous of how close he was with his family, not condascending about the fact he'd do anything for them. It does sound like you have big differences anyway and that the distant may be heightening them in a strange way.

PS: If you are long distance there is nothing wrong with breaking up on the phone.....if anything it saves you the airfare on flying overseas to be told "you're dumped".
I think you both are going in different directions now, it happens, you were together having things in common, sounds now like u dont have that uni in common anymore so the relationship is a bit doomed perhaps.
Quit
Reply 9
Hey, well i have been with my boyfriend for around 10 months now (on and off until January though). He is at Warwick uni and I'm still at college near Portsmouth. On average I see him every couple of weeks and yes it is hard. Recently I've been getting very depressed and can;t work out if it;s because I dont see him enough or if its just me. I love him and I dont want to lose him but I dont wanna lose myself either! I've really changed recently. Any advise? I hate the way I am right now, incidentally I only really get upset when im paranoid he doesnt wanna be with me anymore....GAH! x.amy.x
She is clearly struggling to make time for someone in her life who she rarely sees and who is not involved with her normal life. As you are both young, she may resent this invisible string that is pinning her down. I would suggest have a heart-to-heart... but you are both leading such diffarent lives, so far apart, that I wouldn't hold much hope in it working.
Reply 11
This is so making me feel like spending 12 months over 5,000 miles away from my boyfriend is a little doomed...
Reply 12
nicki04
This is so making me feel like spending 12 months over 5,000 miles away from my boyfriend is a little doomed...

Well I'm at 3 months at the moment, since I last saw her, although there were other shorter periods this year we were not together for.

We easily managed just over 2 months before (summer holiday from Uni), but there was a more definite end point in sight then.
Reply 13
Anonymous
We easily managed just over 2 months before (summer holiday from Uni), but there was a more definite end point in sight then.


That's just the point. With long-distance relationships they're only successful if both of you realise from early on where they're heading and how much you each need to contribute to the effort of keeping them going. I know talks about the future can be one of the most frustrating things about a relationship, particularly at this time of life when you're still trying to figure out what to do for the next few years, but otherwise the uncertainty just eats away at the couple and causes resentment. It sounds like a make or break time to me, a big serious discussion is needed.

I think it's possible to salvage a relationship like this but only if both of you are willing to compromise equally...and if neither of you can find a way around it then maybe it's not meant to last.
Reply 14
Just to let you kind people know what happened.

We had the talk, I got upset, disscussed her plans next year, she said that she wanted something less intense, I said that wouldnt emotionally satisfy me so we should just be friends, we both agreed it was a sh - ity situation, (she seemed less upset than me) so that is that - we broke up, she said she would like to see me again when I go to london, and wanted something intellectual (I got the idea that she wanted a couple of shags, but perhaps that was wishful thinking on my part).... Anyway I was very upset and told her not to email me for at least a month so I could get over her, and she siad ok she would wait for me to make first contact.

Sigh... :frown: I feel kinda depressed, I know that it was probably the right thing and that it was becoming unworkable... I could have left it vaguely ticking on till I saw her again, but that was upsettting me too. I just miss feeling loved and having someone to snuggle with. I really really love her, but I feel like from some of the things she said that you never really know another person completely no matter how much you love her, I wish we wanted to be in the same place and doing similar things in life, but I dont want either of us to compremise on that... Its so funny, we have had breakups before that have always been abortive, and she has always come running back to me sometimes before even leaving the building.... there is a pang of regret that she hasnt this time, even if I know its for the best. Its so hard, I dont want to be a needy person wallowing in my own misery... usually a nice bit of self gratification downstairs can solve anything :biggrin: but I just dont feel in the mood for sex, which is a strange feeling for a guy :biggrin: :rolleyes: jumping in bed with someone could clear my mind, but it could hurt me even more if it didnt go anywhere... :frown:

Sorry for rambling, doubt anyone will read all that, but seeing as you guys were so nice with the advice I wanted to say thanks and say what happened for anyone who is still interested... Thanks :smile: :p:
this sounds a lot like what happened to me...only that I had been with him for eight months and was only able to see him for two and a half months out of that entire period due to the fact that he lived 7000 miles/7 hour flight away. *sigh* such is life...
Yeah. I had a 1 year relationship with an American who lived 4,700 miles away and I've seen some other really good relationships fail the distance test.
Reply 17
Well my gf is off to uni in September and she is really clingy.
But at the same time we have had alot of arguments recently and nearly broke up over different moral opinions on matters.
I am a bit worried as if we are finding it hard now i am not sure how we will cope then.
Also i might be joining the army and going to sandhurst for a year then off on tour and im not sure she will be able to cope with that now :frown:
ow well i am not sure what i can do at the moment so i am just gunna try and c it out over time and then act when we are at that time.

(i know this post is off topic but i just needed to let it out)

any advise would be cool but im really not sure how this can be resolved
Reply 18
Zav I think your post is perfectly on topic.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

It was kinda like that for me in that we had problems when we were in the same place, and it gets worse when you are far away and cant fix an argument with some sex and cuddles... :frown:
Reply 19
Anonymous
Zav I think your post is perfectly on topic.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

It was kinda like that for me in that we had problems when we were in the same place, and it gets worse when you are far away and cant fix an argument with some sex and cuddles... :frown:


Problem is that is the way im fixing it at the moment :frown:

I can't bring up an issue without her thinking i might wana break up ect.. which i know is terriable.

But i don't want to break up i love her alot but atm i just can't c a way of sorting out theses issues we have.