Terrified of having sex? Watch

SweetReality
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Hi guys.

Please don't judge me, but for a long time, I've been wary, if not scared, of the idea concerning sex.

I've been with my boyfriend for five years, and we're both eighteen years of age respectively.

Now, ever since the beginning of the year, my boyfriend's been dropping unsubtle hints that perhaps we should "go all the way", but I'm just too scared about it. We had an argument about it yesterday, and he screamed out that having sex is the only way I can prove my love for him.

He keeps on pushing the idea forwad and out into the open whenever we're together, which is tainting our relationship, but he's blaming it on the fact that I'm too "frigid".

I'm too scared to tell him about the fact that I'm terrified of having sex. I feel so stupid and abnormal having this fear, but I can't help it.

Can anyone else relate to this, or is it just me?
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shezshez
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Whilst you've been with him for ages, his behaviour is unacceptable, if he actually loved and cared for you he'd be a lot more understanding that he currently is being. I wouldn't give him the time of day to be honest.

But to answer your question, it's perfectly normal to have that nervousness, because well, it is quite a big commitment. To have a fear of sex is probably quite rare, but you need to ask yourself if you actually want to be with a guy putting that pressure on you.
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KatieSouter
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He shouldn't have treated you that way. Don't feel pressured into having sex, only have sex when you are completely ready and comfortable. If he is acting this way then maybe he's not the right person to lose your virginity to.

You must remember that nothing is wrong with you, it's completely fine to want to wait longer.


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ct2k7
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I'm speaking as a guy here.

He should not be pressuring you do to anything that you are not comfortable with. I didn't, and I couldn't force someone to do something that they're not happy to do.

You do need to tell him that you're terrified of it - but don't let him use that against you.
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AntisthenesDogger
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(Original post by shezshez)
Whilst you've been with him for ages, his behaviour is unacceptable, if he actually loved and cared for you he'd be a lot more understanding that he currently is being. I wouldn't give him the time of day to be honest.

But to answer your question, it's perfectly normal to have that nervousness, because well, it is quite a big commitment. To have a fear of sex is probably quite rare, but you need to ask yourself if you actually want to be with a guy putting that pressure on you.
Please. He's been waiting 5 years dude.

No he shouldn't emotionally blackmail you, but hell I can understand his frustration.
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l.west191
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If you're wary or scared, you're not ready.

Wait for the day when it seems like a perfectly normal thing for two loving consenting adults to do together.

Until that time, tell him to back off (you can be a LOT meaner than that). Admittedly it's been 5 years, but if he cared about you enough to be with you that long, he should want to make sure you're ready and feel comfortable with the idea.
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username447608
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I totally totally relate to you, giving up your virginity is a big thing, you want to make sure its to the right person, I know for me I was terrified of looking like a whore, in my catholic school/home it was only slutty girls who had sex outside of marriage, i felt guilty about it I wanted to show my ex I cared but I also felt obliged to follow my morals. I battled with this moral argument in my head for months and when I finally gave in i regretted it as I wasnt ready for sex, it wasnt a stable relationship he didnt love me however the fear has gone I now see it as part of an adult loving relationship however you are 18 you are young, DO NOT let him force you into doig it, you remeber the day and who you lost your virginity to for the rest of your life you dont want to look back and cringe, or cry. sex itself physically sisnt a big deal its the mental part of it
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Flyingaround
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(Original post by SweetReality)
Hi guys.

Please don't judge me, but for a long time, I've been wary, if not scared, of the idea concerning sex.

I've been with my boyfriend for five years, and we're both eighteen years of age respectively.

Now, ever since the beginning of the year, my boyfriend's been dropping unsubtle hints that perhaps we should "go all the way", but I'm just too scared about it. We had an argument about it yesterday, and he screamed out that having sex is the only way I can prove my love for him.

He keeps on pushing the idea forwad and out into the open whenever we're together, which is tainting our relationship, but he's blaming it on the fact that I'm too "frigid".

I'm too scared to tell him about the fact that I'm terrified of having sex. I feel so stupid and abnormal having this fear, but I can't help it.

Can anyone else relate to this, or is it just me?
Sex is not the way you can prove your love for him... infact him respecting you for not wanting sex, is the way he can show his love for you.

But I think the best thing to say is "It's not that I don't want sex with you, it's that I don't want sex at all, I dont want to do it yet and I don't know when"

I'm 29 and I've not had sex yet, I'm hardly even interested in sex and It actually scares me too...I might do it to have children in many years but not really, I prefer to hug if i was in a relationship.
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Cressida
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WOW, I am 20 and had a boyfriend who is much more attractive and ''better'' than my league as well as older and much more experienced and he has never argued nor tried to persuade me. If you are terrified then no one should force you, people who say that you might need the ''push'' are just liars.

I have only very recently opened up to more in bed and that was due to his care and patience. He was such a good guy.
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Flyingaround
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(Original post by Cressida)
WOW, I am 20 and had a boyfriend who is much more attractive and ''better'' than my league as well as older and much more experienced and he has never argued nor tried to persuade me. If you are terrified then no one should force you, people who say that you might need the ''push'' are just liars.

I have only very recently opened up to more in bed and that was due to his care and patience. He was such a good guy.
please don't say league...no-one is out of anyones league...Love is love and people shouldn't be put into groups...glad your boyfriend is respectful
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Aoide
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There is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding not to have sex. The idea he has been waiting for 5 years is ridiculous. He should enjoy being with you not feel like he is doing it to earn sex. Someone who loves you will enjoy being with you even without sex. I would sugest you explain how you feel so he knows that you don't have a problem with him but just don't want sex in general.
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Anonymous #1
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http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Vaginis...Treatment.aspx
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Krish4791
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(Original post by SweetReality)
Hi guys.

Please don't judge me, but for a long time, I've been wary, if not scared, of the idea concerning sex.

I've been with my boyfriend for five years, and we're both eighteen years of age respectively.

Now, ever since the beginning of the year, my boyfriend's been dropping unsubtle hints that perhaps we should "go all the way", but I'm just too scared about it. We had an argument about it yesterday, and he screamed out that having sex is the only way I can prove my love for him.

He keeps on pushing the idea forward and out into the open whenever we're together, which is tainting our relationship, but he's blaming it on the fact that I'm too "frigid".

I'm too scared to tell him about the fact that I'm terrified of having sex. I feel so stupid and abnormal having this fear, but I can't help it.

Can anyone else relate to this, or is it just me?
Your boyfriend's probably in the wrong here - instead of forcing the issue, he should be more supportive of you, help you overcome you fear of sex and you both should do it only when YOU are ready. On the other hand, I'd probs say that there's no need to be scared too much of it - the more you
do it, the more you will begin to enjoy it as long as it is with someone you love or are comfortable around. Good luck.
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toxicdreams16
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my ex forced me into having sex. and now thats why i hate it.

he suldnt be trying to force the issue of it. if he loved u enough he could wait till you are ready
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Anonymous #2
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ya im scared

premature ejacuklation
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FrostyLemon
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Five years... FIVE YEARS.

I can understand why everyone is supporting the OP because her bf is pressuring her, but no one is really considering his point of view. After FIVE YEARS with no sex he should have ended it with her because he isn't getting a perfectly normal part of a relationship. You can both break up and be mates and nothing will have changed.
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Classical Liberal
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(Original post by SweetReality)
Hi guys.

Please don't judge me, but for a long time, I've been wary, if not scared, of the idea concerning sex.

I've been with my boyfriend for five years, and we're both eighteen years of age respectively.

Now, ever since the beginning of the year, my boyfriend's been dropping unsubtle hints that perhaps we should "go all the way", but I'm just too scared about it. We had an argument about it yesterday, and he screamed out that having sex is the only way I can prove my love for him.

He keeps on pushing the idea forwad and out into the open whenever we're together, which is tainting our relationship, but he's blaming it on the fact that I'm too "frigid".

I'm too scared to tell him about the fact that I'm terrified of having sex. I feel so stupid and abnormal having this fear, but I can't help it.

Can anyone else relate to this, or is it just me?
In all probability you are scared of sex with your boyfriend. Sex, particularly early on in your sex life, is a lot to do with trust and opening yourself up to somebody. If you are not comfortable with letting somebody in, then you are going to be scared of sex.

To some people sex is just mechanics. For others it is very emotional. I suspect for you, you have a lot of emotions tied up with sex.

And your boyfriend screaming at you is just going to make it a lot lot worse.


To put this in context, "rough" (domination, submission etc) sex is a lot to do with trust and opening yourself up. I am personally terrified of the idea of submission etc because I do not trust anybody (even though I would like try it out). For me such sex is very scary because I do not trust anybody enough. There is no way in hell I could do something like that with a casual fling. I would have to feel really comfortable with a person and totally trust them to do such a thing, which is part of the reason I would like to have a girlfriend I really trust, but I don't and have never found anybody who comes close .

I suspect sex to you, is similar to more wierd sex is to me. It is probably to do with trust. MAybe I am completely wrong but you will know if I am right about you.

And if I am, I would seriously reccomend breaking up with your BF, because he is not the right person for you. Anybody who says that you have some kind of duty to have sex because you have been together for 5 years or whatever is a ****ing moron. There is no imperative to have sex. But this in imperative for you to be comfortable with it. Sure, some people have loads of sex with just about anybody and be totally comfortable with it. Whilst others are not like that. Some people like going out getting wasted every other day. Some people like to just a light drink and get tipsy from time to time. Neither person is better than the other, they just have different preferences.
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SweetReality
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(Original post by FrostyLemon)
Five years... FIVE YEARS.

I can understand why everyone is supporting the OP because her bf is pressuring her, but no one is really considering his point of view. After FIVE YEARS with no sex he should have ended it with her because he isn't getting a perfectly normal part of a relationship. You can both break up and be mates and nothing will have changed.
Idon't understand. We've been together since we were thirteen; are you telling me that he's wanted sex ever since then? I don't want to break up with him, but he's leaving me no choice; I'm not ready.



(Original post by Classical Liberal)
In all probability you are scared of sex with your boyfriend. Sex, particularly early on in your sex life, is a lot to do with trust and opening yourself up to somebody. If you are not comfortable with letting somebody in, then you are going to be scared of sex.

To some people sex is just mechanics. For others it is very emotional. I suspect for you, you have a lot of emotions tied up with sex.

And your boyfriend screaming at you is just going to make it a lot lot worse.


To put this in context, "rough" (domination, submission etc) sex is a lot to do with trust and opening yourself up. I am personally terrified of the idea of submission etc because I do not trust anybody (even though I would like try it out). For me such sex is very scary because I do not trust anybody enough. There is no way in hell I could do something like that with a casual fling. I would have to feel really comfortable with a person and totally trust them to do such a thing, which is part of the reason I would like to have a girlfriend I really trust, but I don't and have never found anybody who comes close .

I suspect sex to you, is similar to more wierd sex is to me. It is probably to do with trust. MAybe I am completely wrong but you will know if I am right about you.

And if I am, I would seriously reccomend breaking up with your BF, because he is not the right person for you. Anybody who says that you have some kind of duty to have sex because you have been together for 5 years or whatever is a ****ing moron. There is no imperative to have sex. But this in imperative for you to be comfortable with it. Sure, some people have loads of sex with just about anybody and be totally comfortable with it. Whilst others are not like that. Some people like going out getting wasted every other day. Some people like to just a light drink and get tipsy from time to time. Neither person is better than the other, they just have different preferences.
Sex means much more to me than others think; it's definitely emotional.
I'm sorry you feel that way, but you will definitely find someone special soon enough; you sound like a nice guy to me.
Thank you for your advice. It means a lot
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ildaf123
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(Original post by FrostyLemon)
Five years... FIVE YEARS.

I can understand why everyone is supporting the OP because her bf is pressuring her, but no one is really considering his point of view. After FIVE YEARS with no sex he should have ended it with her because he isn't getting a perfectly normal part of a relationship. You can both break up and be mates and nothing will have changed.

I agree.

Sex is important in a relationship, if I was with a guy and he made me wait ages I would be put off and fear it would never happen.

Can you imagine how sexually fustrated he must be? Knowing that he is in a situation where he should be getting sex but isnt.

I sympathize if you are scared and have a fear, but if the fear is more the physical side of sex and the possibility of pain or discomfort rather than the emotional I don't see how else you will over come it except for trying it? It does't matter if it doesn't work first time, but its something you can't work on and over come without trying.

If its more a fear of repercussions, safety (in a sense that you know how your relationship stands being sex free and that you feel safe and secure with that) or perhaps that you view sex as being 'dirty' and basically just emotional issues then I think you have to question your reationship as most girls would want sex from someone they love or you should seek help as there may be some psychological reason behind your fear of sex.

Waiting a while longer wont matter, but I just don't see how you will become less scared of sex in a years time if you don't attempt it.
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SweetReality
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(Original post by ildaf123)
I agree.

Sex is important in a relationship, if I was with a guy and he made me wait ages I would be put off and fear it would never happen.

Can you imagine how sexually fustrated he must be? Knowing that he is in a situation where he should be getting sex but isnt.

I sympathize if you are scared and have a fear, but if the fear is more the physical side of sex and the possibility of pain or discomfort rather than the emotional I don't see how else you will over come it except for trying it? It does't matter if it doesn't work first time, but its something you can't work on and over come without trying.

If its more a fear of repercussions, safety (in a sense that you know how your relationship stands being sex free and that you feel safe and secure with that) or perhaps that you view sex as being 'dirty' and basically just emotional issues then I think you have to question your reationship as most girls would want sex from someone they love or you should seek help as there may be some psychological reason behind your fear of sex.
I'm scared because I'm not ready. I'm scared because I have this feeling that as soon as I have sex with him,he'll become disinterested. I'm scared because my friend had sex and told me how painful it is. I guess, as childish as it sounds, I feel terrified of the pain.

But thank you for your advice; that got me thinking about what he might be feeling.
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