Could I be depressed? Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 7 years ago
#1
I feel kind of stupid doing this, but I'm sick of feeling this way. Just did a timeline-y thing.

November 2010
-Within about 2/3 weeks of each other I found out that my dad had MS, my parents were getting divorced (extremely messy) and that neither of my parents were who I thought they were...and that I had a 13 year old lovechild half-brother
- Felt fine. It was weird but I didn't really have any emotional reaction to the above. Still haven't, not directly anyway.
- Over the past couple years have found out even more about people I trusted. Seems like no one is actually decent.

March - July 2011

- When I first started feeling extremely low/abnormal rather than just low.
- I'd cry pretty much every day over stupid things or just over nothing at all.
- I'd get this crazy pent up destructive energy and just want to smash things and get extremely upset for no reason.
- I'd lash out at my family for stupid things. I've never really been a trouble child, but I'd scream how much I hated my family when we had arguments.
- Was only sleeping about 3 hours every night. 5 hours was an extremely good nights' sleep, and this was in the midst of AS exams.
- I didn't revise really for my exams. I didn't see the point.
- Stopped caring about everything, never went out, lost interest in everything. Life just seemed like a lot of pointless pain.

Started feeling better in July and I could see how "wrong" I had been feeling before. I was actually fairly content for a few months (brief relapse in December).

Feb/March/April 2012
- Had problems getting up in the morning for school. This uncontrollable dread would just paralyse me and I would just know I couldn't face it. I'm not bullied, I have plenty of friends and nothing really to fear there, but I just couldn't.
- Something kind of snapped in me. I stopped talking to my family, stopped sleeping properly.
- I've always been able to hide my feelings well at school but I was so miserable, I'd just sit silently in groups/avoid them.
- Went from being a straight A* gcse student to just not doing any homework.
- Pretty much refused to revise for a-levels.
- I cared so little I wasn't even nervous for my French oral. Sounds weird, but I usually get into a wreck over orals/speeches so it was a very foreign feeling.
- Felt lethargic all day. I just wanted to sleep all day to get away from it all.
- Had dreams about death all the time and frequent sleep paralysis accompanied by hallucinations.
- Mum made me go to the doctors but I froze up and couldn't get a single word out, just mumbled something about sleep problems. He kind of got the gist though and gave me a form/number I could call for people to assess me and see whether I need counselling. Was too scared to do anything with it.

Thank god just a few weeks before A-levels, these feelings decreased in severity and I managed to pull myself together and revise in what little time I had left. I felt better for the next month/month and a half, with the odd day where I'd feel terrible, but I was mostly coping.

Recently, I feel like it's coming back. It's not as bad as the periods mentioned above. Often I go a whole day feeling fine, then come night time, I feel so heavy and sad for no reason. It's been happening daily, just random periods where I feel like I did before and then it goes away, but it's becoming more frequent, and I fear it's going to come back full-force. Despite being a bit better, I'm never really happy. I now have an extremely negative view of the world and people and can't really enjoy life any more like this.

I feel like either there's just something intrinsically wrong with me and I'm one of those people who's not meant to be or isn't capable of being happy. I want to see the world how others see it, how I used to but I don't know how, or if, I can go back to that. Haven't confronted those things that happened (and are still going on, to an extent) before this all happened. My friends all have charmed lives, I can't talk about it with them and I don't even think it's that serious because people go through far worse and it never even upset me at the time. I don't even know any more.

Help?
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President Snow
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Hello

The first thing that I want to say to you is well done for posting this. The most important step for you is to recognise that there is something wrong, work out exactly what is wrong, and then begin to move on from there.

You have been extremely brave to put all this into words, to write it all down so thoroughly, but it really will help you in the long run, and you must trust me on that. I too have had depression in the past, and we need to work together on this, to pull you out just as I did. There can be success, and there will be success for you.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you as a person. There is absolutely nothing physical stopping you being happy. You have had to experience terrible things which you should never have had to, and this has dragged you down. But always remember that there is nothing physical involved. There is always a cure, even if a slow one you have to work hard for. Always remember that.

I can relate very well to the experiences you describe. It is not uncommon for a couple of months to be really terrible, and this is depression. One of the biggest problems with depression is that it is self feeding. The more depressed you are, the more likely you are to think negatively, and become even more depressed, and the cycle continues.

There are some medicines called anti-depressants, however, if at all possible, it is best to stay off these. They are not a magic cure, take weeks to take effect, and then you must remain on them for perhaps six months. But there is a bigger problem. These sorts of drugs, all of them, have terrible side effects, and are not good for your health. Not only do they not work for some people, but they are also not particularly healthy. If, as a last resort, they are needed, then your doctor will prescribe them, but self help techniques are cleaner and safer, and sometimes more effective.

One of the best ways you can do this is to talk. Initially, this will be very difficult, but your post here is an excellent start. A councellor is your best choices. Perhaps have another look at the form your doctor gave you? Alternatively, other free-phone lines such as Childline (which will not show on a phone-bill) are very good. It will take a lot of bravery to make the first call. It may take you several attempts. When you ever get doubtful, be strong for me. I want you to get out of this just as much as you do. It took me three attempts, but eventually I phoned, and it changed my life forever.

If you ever begin to freeze up on the phone, never worry. The councellors understand you better than you can ever guess. If you really can't stand it any longer, phone back another day. But if you can, listen to what they are saying. There is no need to speak, just listen to what they are saying. Do whatever you can to listen to them. This is the most important piece of advice I can ever give.

Given time, you will begin to find it easier to talk. It may seem impossible now, but it will happen. Phone back regularly, and talk as much or as little as you want. Given time, things will improve, that I can assure you.

There are other techniques. Some people find comfort in exercise, or art, or the right form of music (although you must be careful not to choose music which makes you even more sad). Talk to your doctor if at all possible.

I really hope that this helps, and please feel free to discuss as much or as little as you want here. I would be really grateful if you keep me updated on your progress, and what you have decided to do.

Richard
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NewFolder
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(Original post by Anonymous)
- Mum made me go to the doctors but I froze up and couldn't get a single word out, just mumbled something about sleep problems. He kind of got the gist though and gave me a form/number I could call for people to assess me and see whether I need counselling. Was too scared to do anything with it.
There's no need to be scared to call them. They will have loads of experience of dealing with people who feel like you do, and will probably be very understanding.

If you don't like talking on the phone/fear you may be overheard/etc, then they may have an alternative method of contact, e.g. post or e-mail. If it doesn't say on the form, it may be worth making an appointment with your GP, who will give you a questionnaire to fill in there and then, and then they can provide you with counselling or another form of treatment as appropriate.

You shouldn't worry about it, these people are there for the sole purpose of helping people.

I hope you feel happier soon
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 7 years ago
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Thanks so much for the replies.

I guess part of the reason I'm scared of calling is that they'll say there's nothing wrong with me which sounds weird but it would mean I'm stuck like this forever and there's no way to fix it.

(Original post by President Snow)
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(Original post by NewFolder)
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NewFolder
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks so much for the replies.

I guess part of the reason I'm scared of calling is that they'll say there's nothing wrong with me which sounds weird but it would mean I'm stuck like this forever and there's no way to fix it.
I very highly doubt they will. Even if they do, you can still get counselling and stuff to help, even if you're not officially depressed.

There is no reason that you should be stuck like this forever, you deserve to be happy. During difficult times of your life, it can be difficult to find anything to be happy about, that's completely normal.

There are ways to make yourself happy, that should work sometimes. Stuff like thinking about the positive aspects of any situation rather than the negative can work sometimes.
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President Snow
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks so much for the replies.

I guess part of the reason I'm scared of calling is that they'll say there's nothing wrong with me which sounds weird but it would mean I'm stuck like this forever and there's no way to fix it.
As NewFolder has said, you have every right to call those numbers, and I can assure you that they will listen to you, they will care, and they will help you.

I wish you the very best of happiness for the future. It is most certainly attainable, and those people will help you every step of the way. It worked for me, and it will work for you.



Richard
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