A Siren's Veil Watch

miniteen
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So I wanted to prove to myself that I could still write poetry, and I wrote this yesterday (it took a long time though. ><') There might still be some lines where the rhythm isn't perfect (I'm working with alexandrins - I know, not very English but hey. x)) Would you please tell me what you think?
Also, I'm unsure about the title I should give it. I'm thinking either "A Siren's Veil" or "A Siren's Web." What do you think would suit it best?

A Siren’s Veil

As I crawl up the tree, I explore the surface,
Searching for a new nest, my eight eyes I must squint.
Despite their great number I am blind. The odd tint
Of light is all I see. Oh the colours I miss!

One would have you believe, with eight eyes I can see,
Can pierce and penetrate in your heart, mind and soul.
But my vision is crowded with darkness: a Mole
At the center crushes my dreams of clarity.

But it is not with the eyes that one truly sees.
All of my world know this. Hands palpate this bed of bark,
As proof, this tree is the first victim my hands mark.
‘Tis the sense of touch that frees lubricating seas.

I have found a place, high above the ground below.
With condensated fog, I clean each of my hands.
I proceed to clean the threads of silk from my glands.
Like all objects of pleasure, they come from down low.

The threads pour out, spilling, squirting everywhere.
White, viscid, glistening, in dampness they adhere,
To all trees, leaves, flowers, no innocent they spare.
So ‘tis in this context, that my cards I lay bare.

Then, I quicken my pace, between branches I dance.
With wind as my partner, I engage in a waltz.
The speed of a Viennese erases all my faults.
I am the main scene tonight, the prey now in trance.

I tire quickly, this back and fro movement,
Thrusting my abdomen as threads come spurting forth.
The new gown completed, my tree rests by a warth,
Infested with gentlemen aw’d by my garment.

My seduction has worked, enticed they approach.
I hide by the decaying corpse of a mushroom,
And mask my stench with a flower not yet in bloom.
Enraptur’d, on veils of illusions they encroach.

The trap is in motion, on my white sheets a stain.
He, the most valiant of them all, has succumbed.
With terror and despair, my surprise has Him stumped.
Alas! All struggles that ensue will be in vain.

And so in my splendor I appear before him.
Aghast, he stares at me in great horror. He knows.
The wind, my forever faithful accomplice, blows,
And rocks the poor fool to sleep. Then I start my hymn.

My first act is to crawl above him. Unwilling
He submits. With precision, yet great force, I press
Down on his frail frame. I bite, he squeals in distress.
The venom penetrates slowly, paralyzing.

He is asleep and I can now take all my time.
With great care, I wrap him in my gown. A package,
Clean and neat. ‘Tis when they suffocate that damage
Is done. From town can be heard the sounds of a chime.

The time has come! He is dead and breakfast is serv’d!
With a chant I shift my body from side to side,
Open my mouth and spew my liquids in my stride
And feast on this carcass, its warmth still preserv’d.

The night goes on and so my victims one by one,
All come to my bed and in the same way succumb
At the end of night I know not how many have come.
Replenish’d, I prepare the rising of the sun.

I undo my bed, pull up the sheets and swallow.
It has served its purpose well and must now go.
No longer viscous the last one got away, so
I shall make another at moonrise tomorrow.

The night has gone and nothing is left of my art
Alone I look at what might be the moon and think
Would it not be lovely if life could just sink
Into stability, with someone in my heart?
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Tycho
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It's pretty strange but very good. You are talented. Many people will be able to relate to this in terms of relationships I imagine.
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miniteen
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(Original post by Tycho)
It's pretty strange but very good. You are talented. Many people will be able to relate to this in terms of relationships I imagine.
Hey, thank you. I was wondering, you didn't answer my second question. What title would you suggest? I think I'm set on A Siren's Veil, but I'd like some more feedback. I like the fact that there is no proper mention of the persona being a spider, it's implied or assumed that the reader knows. Do you prefer A Siren's Web? As a more direct reference to the persona?

EDIT: I wish more people would give it a chance. Despite its length it's a pretty easy read, unlike the rest of my poetry.
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Tycho
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(Original post by miniteen)
Hey, thank you. I was wondering, you didn't answer my second question. What title would you suggest? I think I'm set on A Siren's Veil, but I'd like some more feedback. I like the fact that there is no proper mention of the persona being a spider, it's implied or assumed that the reader knows. Do you prefer A Siren's Web? As a more direct reference to the persona?

EDIT: I wish more people would give it a chance. Despite its length it's a pretty easy read, unlike the rest of my poetry.
I like the title you've chosen. Anyone who can write a poem like that can also decide on a good title for it.

I think a lot of people take a glance at such a long poem and think that it's too long to be good because it hasn't been written (presumably) by a well-known poet. The reason being that most people who attempt such long poems (who don't have the skills) tend to create something quite convoluted. Your poem isn't though. The stanzas have a progressive order about them that doesn't make the poem feel laboured to read. The message carried by your poem has been skillfully crafted in my opinion, and the imagery does suck the reader into thinking how it relates to situations in their own life. I'd even go as far as to say that your poem is a disgustingly accurate depiction of how many relationships come and go these days. I'm sure others could take something different from it, but that's one of the main human sides that this poem correlates to for me.

I'd recommend people read your poem, but don't take it to heart if they don't.

I'd be interested to read some more of your work?
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miniteen
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(Original post by Tycho)
I like the title you've chosen. Anyone who can write a poem like that can also decide on a good title for it.

I think a lot of people take a glance at such a long poem and think that it's too long to be good because it hasn't been written (presumably) by a well-known poet. The reason being that most people who attempt such long poems (who don't have the skills) tend to create something quite convoluted. Your poem isn't though. The stanzas have a progressive order about them that doesn't make the poem feel laboured to read. The message carried by your poem has been skillfully crafted in my opinion, and the imagery does suck the reader into thinking how it relates to situations in their own life. I'd even go as far as to say that your poem is a disgustingly accurate depiction of how many relationships come and go these days. I'm sure others could take something different from it, but that's one of the main human sides that this poem correlates to for me.

I'd recommend people read your poem, but don't take it to heart if they don't.

I'd be interested to read some more of your work?
Well, I wrote a series of sonnets when I was 17 that I posted about a week ago. You can read them here:
http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show...486&highlight=
I'd love your feedback on these as well. They're very different from this poem though. I wrote some of the explanations at the bottom, because they are quite hard to understand unless you analyze them in great depth. Having read the books I talked about will probably also give you a huge advantage in understanding the poems.

I'll be posting two more poems soon. One that I wrote when I was 15, that is quite hard to understand as well but that I really like with the imagery, and one that I wrote yesterday. This one is very different from any I've ever written before, and I'm not sure the UK even considers it poetry. It is considered poetry in France though.

EDIT: I just wanted to add, it's funny because everyone takes something completely different out of this poem. One of my friends sees it as a self-portrayal, you see it as a depiction of modern relationships, and a last friend just saw it as something very dark. I personally enjoyed playing with the sex of the persona, because if you look carefully, you'll notice that it has characteristics from both men (the obvious similarity between the spider's silk and semen, the forceful penetration) and women (her hiding behind the mushroom, using flowers as perfume, or just the general image of a spider: females that lay eggs. The title "Siren" also seems to indicate a female spider, and her veil (or what it really means: web) is like the song Sirens sang as Ulysees's boat went past their cliff.)
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