How do I play this (relationship hanging on by a thread?) Watch
Optional background info:
Things haven't been great for a couple of months, he had his accountancy exams, I had my a-levels and in a long distance relationship where we both missing eachother, it put that little extra bit of strain especially as I felt like he didn't take my a-levels seriously because 'they're only a-levels, I'm doing a proffesional qualification' as he said to me once. Then he started his new job and I was very sick (tonsilitus which took three weeks of antibiotics to clear the pus ). I was supposed to be visiting him once the summer started but I couldn't. Then I went on holiday which means we didn't see eachother for ages, and there was just a lot of me crying on the phone. That's what we tend to argue about after the initial thing that triggers it, he gets angry when I cry. And that's what scares me, the fact he seems to have no empathy or tolerance when I get upset.
Last week, I just felt like his last priority and completely like he didn't care. He did something which I considered completely out of order and disprectful every day (even though the whole of what triggered this is my family had upset him by 'ignoring him' which he admitted wasn't my fault). It hadn't got better by friday when I was supposed to be driving down to see him, but he was at his friends... and then he even hung up on me, because his friends parents said dinner was ready and he 'had no option, I was going to offend someone either way' but of course I felt like that shouldn't have been me, considering in my opinion he shouldn't have even been there since he said he wanted me to come over the previous night and morning and for all he knew I was driving on my way.
So I ended up going to a gathering instead and my best friend suggested since I hadn't managed to sleep the past week, that having some hash brownie might relax me enough too. I then drank a lot and ended up speaking to some guy who was also in a relationship. He was really easy to talk to, and I explained I couldn't sleep and he ended up talking to me all night, it was innocent apart from the odd comment from him saying something along the lines of: I was amazing; that I was so easy to talk to and beautiful and he wished he met me before he met his girlfriend etc which I didn't really reciprocate but at the same I didn't tell him to get stuffed (I'd just ask him about the relationship and why he was so unhappy) . I ended up giving him my number so he could send me a goodnight text as we both weren't asleep at 6am, we thought maybe I could sleep if I had my normal routine of reading a goodnight text before I sleep (I was on the bed he was on the cold hard floor the entire time, and he respected that ).
I told my boyfriend what happened and that sent him over the edge, I haven't had weed before, and he didn't think I would try it so he said: 'where's my sweet innocent girlfriend gone? I don't know you'. He also feels like I cheated on him with this guy, it didn't help that the guy kept texting me (without me replying) when I was with my boyfriend, so at one point he doubted I told him the truth because he thought, well why is he so interested in you then when he has a girlfriend? But I know I shouldn't have given him my number, or talked to him alone all night so he still feels like it's kind of like cheating and I do get that and feel guilty. At the same time though and I haven't told him this, I feel like I shouldn't have been in the position where I felt like a randomer cared more about my wellbeing then my boyfriend.
Back to the basics, so I don't really know how to act. He's being really ambivalent, on saturday he wouldn't kiss me at first but he would after a couple of hours continued sunday, but then yesterday I thought he was better and wanted to address how I felt finally but he's too stuck on being the victim to consider how I feel right now and I lost it and started to cry, and now he won't kiss me and I'm finding that really hard. Although he gave me a peck on the lips before he went to work.
So I take it I'm going to have to put my feelings aside for the next month or so and just concentrate on what he needs. Which is to make his life easier, because he feels like I've consumed so much of his time, all the other areas are messed up or how he puts it, 'you've ruined my life.' However, because I felt like he was taking me for granted before, I feel like if I stay at his and cook him food and be the doting girlfriend having my life revolve around his since I know no-one around here, (well I've met his best friend a few times who kind of hates me because i broke up their bromance and badmouths me to all the other friends, who seem nice enough when I do see them) surely he'll just take me even more for granted? But then again, he was so happy with me when he came back from work and saw I'd done the washing up and cleaning his kitchen, found his glasses and started to do his room (it's an especially a big deal because he's the neat freak and I'm the messy one, the only reason his house isn't spotless is because he's so upset) .
He's always been a strange guy, most guys revile from clingyness but one of the first talks we had was that I was the other way round and he hated it and liked really clingy so now over the last six months I've worked on being really clingy, but I don't know if it's a grass is greener story and now I am clingy he actually needs a bit less desperateness? I would just think he's right and maybe we need a few weeks apart but the problems arose when we had too much time apart and too much time on the phone so space, without the space for him. But I really need to make things right asap so we can have something of a nice summer before I go to uni (provided I get in) because I know how hard it is for couples to the last there even when they're in a good place to start.
When do we have sex? I think he wanted to before - he actually touched me at one point but I didn't really want to touch him before until he'd acklowedged some remorse for last week, but now he won't kiss me so I take it he doesn't want sex? In a weird way I think it might help, like we've been together long enough both know we can get along and have fun without sex as we have done many a time, but it might be a useful tool to help us reconnect? How else can I get us to reconnect? Should I let him come to me with physicalness? Or would he appreciate it, if I gave him lots of attention? I'm so confused He thinks with his penis a lot less then most guys (one of the reasons I love him) however, he does get very um excited by me.
How would you act if you're in my situation? What would you do to win back his heart and make the little bit that wants to be with me, bigger?
'That's what we tend to argue about after the initial thing that triggers it, he gets angry when I cry. And that's what scares me, the fact he seems to have no empathy or tolerance when I get upset.'
It doesn't mean he has no empathy when you get upset. He probably does, but when you start crying, he might get annoyed as he feels there is no reason to start crying.
I feel the same sometimes when people cry in the middle of a discussion/ argument, because it makes me feel like they're trying to guilt me into giving in and to me it looks like the person is being immature. Whenever someone cries (especially if it is a girl), guys tend to feel helpless and confused.
Perhaps he would appreciate it if you try to control your emotions better in front of him (I know it's hard). By this, I don't mean be steel-faced - by all means, tell him that you're upset - but try not to cry.
Hope it helps.