Friends and partners Watch

Carrby
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#1
Report Thread starter 7 years ago
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I've been thinking about how your long term friends act when you get into relationships. Any examples from my experience that I can think of involve my friends being uninterested, which I think is weird.

I'm not saying that they have to welcome them with open arms and involve them in everything the moment you start dating, but my friends have never shown an interest in who I want to be with, whereas when they get into relationships, I'm curious as to what that person is like and want to make them feel welcome.

My first partner was with me for one and a half years, and not once did they ask any questions about him or invite him out, but when my best friend struck up a relationship with the boy she took to her prom, I invited him out one night. The two of them ended up going of with each other for a kissy kissy, leaving me with my partner thinking, what was the point - I invited him out to get to know him and he didn't seem to care.

My second partner who I'm still with now, I've been with him for nearly 10 months so far, often plays at a local bar with a band, and I invite my friends to see him play. I'm not into the music he plays, but I go for the social aspect to meet his band friends. I invite my friends and yet they say they don't care. They say they don't want to go because they don't really know him that well, which I think is silly because it's the whole reason I invite them out.

I see this at parties all the time. A friend gets invited, they ask if they can bring their partner, and when they get there, nobody talks to the friend because they don't want to talk to the partner because they don't know them.

It's clearly a social norm that I just don't get, so I can deal with getting used to friends not taking an interest, but doesn't anyone else think it's weird? Surely if you've been friends with someone for years, and they've been with someone romantically for a few months, you'd invite that person to a gathering, make them feel welcome in the friendship group? Or is this just me being different?
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Pinkhead
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Report 7 years ago
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'The two of them ended up going of with each other for a kissy kissy, leaving me with my partner thinking, what was the point - I invited him out to get to know him and he didn't seem to care.'

There is your answer (partly, of course). It can be awkward to be around a couple, especially if you don't know one of them very well.
I don't really talk to my friends about their partner, nor do I get in touch with the partner, unless i can't help it. My personal reason is that I'd rather not get involved because I will be asked for opinions about problems in their relationship sooner or later, which is something I do not enjoy being subjected to.
It might sound selfish that I don't want to help, but usually in these circumstances, you'll end up being wrong in your advice and you'll have to deal with the guilt and hostility from your friend afterwards.
I value my friendships, and would rather not risk losing them.
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Carrby
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Report Thread starter 7 years ago
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(Original post by Pinkhead)
'The two of them ended up going of with each other for a kissy kissy, leaving me with my partner thinking, what was the point - I invited him out to get to know him and he didn't seem to care.'

There is your answer (partly, of course). It can be awkward to be around a couple, especially if you don't know one of them very well.
I don't really talk to my friends about their partner, nor do I get in touch with the partner, unless i can't help it. My personal reason is that I'd rather not get involved because I will be asked for opinions about problems in their relationship sooner or later, which is something I do not enjoy being subjected to.
It might sound selfish that I don't want to help, but usually in these circumstances, you'll end up being wrong in your advice and you'll have to deal with the guilt and hostility from your friend afterwards.
I value my friendships, and would rather not risk losing them.
But the point of inviting them out is to get to know them to reduce the awkwardness. It was more awkward finding them hiding behind a bush making out and asking why they left, or why they even agreed to come out in the first place if they were just going to go off anyway.

I don't like getting involved in other peoples relationship problems either, but that shouldn't stop people from attempting to befriend the partner in the first place. I'm not expecting them to become permanent members of the group, but not even a "hello, would you like to come to this BBQ, not just because your boyfriend is going but because it'd be nice to actually invite you" is a bit weird to me
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Jammie_x
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Report 7 years ago
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Coming from the friends perspective though, i can understand perhaps they shy away.. perhaps they just want to spend time with just you, and only you - not with you and your bf as well? I find it lovely that you try and include both your partner and your friends in things.. so that they get to know each other better.. but perhaps they think your partner is taking you away from them? that perhaps you are trying to hard? if they wanted to be friends or just get on, it should just naturally happen, however, at the same time - they could make a bit more of an effort.

Alot of my friends in my 'group' have partners and it pisses me off, cause they always invite their partners and when they do - you sort of feel left out because they are always with their partners.. One of my friends in fact has NEVER come out with us lot anymore without their bf.. kinda makes you feel if your single that they are rubbing it in your face a little..
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