At what point do you stop trying to tell someone you love them? Watch

Anonymous #1
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At what point do you stop trying to tell someone you love them?

If a recent ex has responded to your repeated attempts to reach out to them and let them know your true feelings by sending a message via their parent, asking you not to contact them, is it 'game over'?

I'm torn - I want to respect the wishes of the love of my life, but I don't want to give up on making her happy. I've realised where I was going wrong. I don't want her to move on based on false or incomplete information.

Honestly, I've never felt more sad. For the first time in my life I had a clear picture of what would make me happy, and in the space of a couple of hours I find out I can't even have the opportunity to explain to that person that I want to spend my life making them as happy as they would make me.

Help.
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GPH92
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If her parents are getting involved you should probably stop. You'll begin to tread the line of creepy, obssessive ex and noone wants to be that (let alone get with that).
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Miss O.C.D
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(Original post by GPH92)
If her parents are getting involved you should probably stop. You'll begin to tread the line of creepy, obssessive ex and noone wants to be that (let alone get with that).
This. I'm sorry, it's over
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elixira
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Yeah, just cut off contact. Trying to talk to her won't make her happy, she obviously doesn't want to talk to you at all if she's communicating through someone else. And it's probably not just to do with "where you were going wrong", people still stay with their partners when they've done all sorts wrong sometimes... it's probably a general feeling that is beyond your control.
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J0nes_X
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When it's apparent they clearly don't feel the same. Out of sight, out of mind, easiest way to move on.
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Lucia.
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You said you keep "trying to make her happy". Watch Chris Rock's 'Never Scared' show and he comes out with the line, "No woman is happy". He basically says "quit trying to make a woman happy". However, judging by what you said there's at least one thing that makes her happy. That seems to be cutting you out of her life since she has clearly moved on from you. Don't be needy of her affections. Accept that she has moved on.

Finally, you don't need to talk this out with her. She has made her decision. You're doing it wrong. Telling her that you can be the guy who makes her happy isn't going to bring her back. Love is only a feeling. If the feeling is no longer there on her part, then it can't work.

For now, all you have to do is give her space. Show that you respect how she feels by letting her move on from you.

(Original post by Anonymous)
At what point do you stop trying to tell someone you love them?
I believe that "love" should be a verb, not a noun. I don't think about telling someone I love them. I think about both individuals' actions in the relationship. Actions speak louder than words.

(Original post by Anonymous)
If a recent ex has responded to your repeated attempts to reach out to them and let them know your true feelings by sending a message via their parent, asking you not to contact them, is it 'game over'?
Yes, trust your instincts. Don't feel bad that it has gone wrong this time.

(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm torn - I want to respect the wishes of the love of my life, but I don't want to give up on making her happy.
I know the feeling. The hard part is knowing when to give up; and you want to feel like you've really given it a shot, right? Well, think about this with more context. She has to be receptive to you giving it a shot. If she's not making an effort herself, there's nothing magical that you can do to shift her feelings. Life isn't a movie.

(Original post by Anonymous)
I've realised where I was going wrong. I don't want her to move on based on false or incomplete information.
Well no one is perfect and a great love is understanding of the mistakes we make. So don't beat yourself up about where you went wrong. Like someone said above, it could be more of a general feeling she had. She will have been coming to the situation from her own perspective. Besides if she has acted on poor information, then she may not you well enough. What are the circumstances of your break-up?

(Original post by Anonymous)
Honestly, I've never felt more sad.
You WILL get over this.

(Original post by Anonymous)
For the first time in my life I had a clear picture of what would make me happy
Herein lies your problem. Relationships aren't the solution to an unhappy situation. They're great for their own sake, but you can live without them. Figure that one out and you're doing well.

I know how you feel. You're still figuring out your feelings so give yourself time.
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MagicNMedicine
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Stop after the first time if they don't reciprocate.

The only reason to carry on saying it is if you are in a relationship with them.

It's easy to fall into the trap of developing a strategy along the lines of
- all women want someone to love them
- I have no doubts about the authenticity of my love for this woman
- she might struggle to meet someone that loves her as much as me
- if I can convince her of this fact she will eventually come round and love me back

Unfortunately the reality is just because you love someone, isn't going to make them change their feelings about you. If they want to be with you then they want you to love them and the more you do, the happier they will be BUT if they don't want to be with you then it just makes them feel awkward and cringe every time you say it.

When you're in this situation the really gutting thing is the futility of your feelings, you feel so strongly about the other person and think about them all the time but if they don't want to be with you that doesn't even register any feeling on them other than that slight feeling of awkwardness. I think when you realise this it pushes you to the point of giving up and moving on.

In the end if someone doesn't want to be with you, you will end up giving up and moving on. The longer you deny this and try and maintain hope the longer the torture for you.
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Anonymous #1
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Thanks for the replies. The consensus seems fairly clear here. I guess I just need to hear it from as many people as possible. And whilst it might be the right thing to do, getting rid of hope is a difficult thing. Can you let go and still hope? I'm not sure.

(Original post by Lucia.)
You said you keep "trying to make her happy". Watch Chris Rock's 'Never Scared' show and he comes out with the line, "No woman is happy". He basically says "quit trying to make a woman happy". However, judging by what you said there's at least one thing that makes her happy. That seems to be cutting you out of her life since she has clearly moved on from you. Don't be needy of her affections. Accept that she has moved on.
Perhaps this is part of my problem. I have never been very good at the moving-on thing. I have a tendency to view past relationships as a period of my life that will always belong to the person I was with at the time. I don't regret any of them and I find it hard to make a watermark decision to put somebody out of my life.

(Original post by Lucia.)
Finally, you don't need to talk this out with her. She has made her decision. You're doing it wrong. Telling her that you can be the guy who makes her happy isn't going to bring her back. Love is only a feeling. If the feeling is no longer there on her part, then it can't work.

For now, all you have to do is give her space. Show that you respect how she feels by letting her move on from you.

I believe that "love" should be a verb, not a noun. I don't think about telling someone I love them. I think about both individuals' actions in the relationship. Actions speak louder than words.
I think I would find it a lot easier to accept if I had heard it from her. She hasn't told me it is over, only passed the message so to speak. When I spoke to her on Friday, she said she still had feelings for me and whilst it was too difficult to talk to me right now, that maybe our paths would cross again.


(Original post by Lucia.)
Yes, trust your instincts. Don't feel bad that it has gone wrong this time.
My instincts are that she is making this decision, at least significantly in part, due to the fact that she doesn't know how I feel, and because she thinks I don't want her. She is naturally a stubborn person and make be sticking to a decision she has made despite feelings otherwise.

(Original post by Lucia.)
I know the feeling. The hard part is knowing when to give up; and you want to feel like you've really given it a shot, right? Well, think about this with more context. She has to be receptive to you giving it a shot. If she's not making an effort herself, there's nothing magical that you can do to shift her feelings. Life isn't a movie.

Well no one is perfect and a great love is understanding of the mistakes we make. So don't beat yourself up about where you went wrong. Like someone said above, it could be more of a general feeling she had. She will have been coming to the situation from her own perspective. Besides if she has acted on poor information, then she may not you well enough. What are the circumstances of your break-up?
We had been arguing lots, and so because I felt that our relationship continuing was beginning to damage the possibility of it working-out long-term, after a long discussion I said we should have some time apart. Neither of us liked it but she agreed. We also said at the time (early June) that we should meet up after a little while to discuss how our feelings had developed.

We had spoken on the phone once a week or so since then, and the conversations had always been quite positive. She sounded quite a bit more relaxed, and to be honest reminded me a lot of how she was when I first met her. No date was ever set for meeting up again. Each time we spoke we both agreed we still had feelings for one another.

On Friday we spoke again. I had always said that even if we weren't together I would want to try and be friends, she always said she couldn't do that. She said that she thought we needed to break off contact, but she said that it would be for my benefit more than hers. I sort of left the conversation on the note that she would be welcome to contact me.

The last time we spoke on Friday I was still unsure about things. I didn't want therefore to tell her any otherwise of course. I know it probably sounds ridiculous, but Sunday I basically spent the whole day writing down how I felt, and through that I understood so much better how things had gone wrong, and how in actual fact what would make me happy would be putting them right. I realised that seeing that, seeing how easy it would be for me to change and hopefully fix the one main 'problem' consistent in our relationship, that there as so much good stuff, more than enough to make it worthwhile trying again.

This felt like the kind of thing I needed to tell her. I do get the sense that she for a long time was waiting to hear what I was now ready to tell her. I went down to her house (she ives 200+ miles away) on Monday morning, and missed her by 5 minutes. I spoke to her mum for a bit, and we agreed it was worth me calling her quickly to see if she could turn back. No answer, but then she doesn't normally answer the phone when driving. So I left my notebook full of thoughts with her mum who said she would give it to her, and went home. I text her on my way home because I thought she should know I had tried to see her.

Stupidly I called her in the early hours of Tuesday morning and left a message of me essentially sobbing. I know this was a bad idea.

I sent another message on Tuesday lunchtime bassically summarising my 'epiphany'. An hour later her mum calls my dad and says along the lines that my ex has been upset, that she has decided to move on and so should I. She didn't read the text I sent at lunchtime, just deleted it (so I assume the same for the one I sent the day before). It's not that she doesn't care, but she wants to remember the good times. They wish me all the best.

Obviously this isn't what I wanted and I've basically spent the time since then torturing myself about how I handled this wrong.

I have two main issues - one that I don't know if she understands how I feel. Obviously she must know something, but I feel it would be tragic if she moved on because she thought I didn't want her, us, when really I do.

Two if she does understand, I don't know why, if she still has feelings for me, why it doesn't matter to her. And why if she cares for me, she won't talk to me when she knows it is the one thing I want.

There have been so many times when I have said we needed space, and she wouldn't honour that request. But I always spoke to her when she said she needed to. Yes, life's not fair, but it just doesn't seem fair that the one time the situation is reversed, I don't get that same opportunity.

(Original post by Lucia.)
You WILL get over this.

Herein lies your problem. Relationships aren't the solution to an unhappy situation. They're great for their own sake, but you can live without them. Figure that one out and you're doing well.

I know how you feel. You're still figuring out your feelings so give yourself time.
At the moment I don't want to get over it. I don't want her, however unlikely, to have a change of heart regarding not speaking to me and for me to have then blocked her out. I don't want her to be in the position I am now, in a week or a month's time. I don't think I'm using the reltionship to solve an unhappy situation either. I'm generally a positive person, I have simply established what I think would make me truly happy, found my one person. And now, let her go.
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Lucia.
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Hm I didn't mean to assume that you need relationships to be happy - apologies for that.

I think it all depends on her and her willingness to talk, and she doesn't seem to want to talk so there isn't really much you can do.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Lucia.)
Hm I didn't mean to assume that you need relationships to be happy - apologies for that.

I think it all depends on her and her willingness to talk, and she doesn't seem to want to talk so there isn't really much you can do.
That's OK. I think you're right. I guess at the moment I can hope, and that's all I can do. Slowly but surely it's inevitable that I will lose that hope and then have to move on. It's so tragic that we could right now both be in love with each other, but through a protective mechanism, not able to communicate that.

I'd still welcome any further thoughts.
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Lucia.
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I think the mistake you've made is in coming on too strong.

If there's residual feeling with someone, it's easy to get to thinking that you only have so much time to capitalise on that. But in reality you have a window of a few months, so you can build on it slowly.

I definitely you should continue to take a step back. Are you likely to see her in public occasionally?

Use this as a learning curve too. Sometimes stuff doesn't work out but it's okay.
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username447608
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If parents get involved you have to stop and leyt go if your really desprate to tell her how you feel write her ONE message explaining what you want to and then leave it and never contact her again.


If her parents are nivolved its a serious go away I once had to get my dad to call a guy who wouldnt leave me alone even though I had made it clear nothing was going to happen, you should be very careful as if you kkeep bothering her, her parents can and most likely will go to the police and your be slapped with a restraining order or charged with harssement you need to move on
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Anonymous #1
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Hey guys, thanks again for your replies. By way of a little update:

I was away staying at a friend's from Wednesday of last week. My dad actually spoke to my ex's mum while I was away, and asked her to ask my ex to give me a call at the weekend once she had returned from her sister's - so that I could get some closure on the situation. My ex's mum (generally very reasonable) agreed to do this.

So, my ex called on Saturday and we spoke for about half an hour. I thanked her for calleing, and listened to what she had to say, as well as getting my message across in a much more calm and measured way. She said the reason she had asked for me not to contact her last week was because things had got too intense for her. She said that in terms of our relationship she was glad I had had my 'epiphany' and realised my feelings, and also glad that I had told her them. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to give me the answer I wanted, because she said that there was 'too much water under the bridge' and that she was too upset about some of the lows of our relationship. I told her I understood and respected this view. She said that she didn't want to be with anyone at the moment, she just wanted to be on her own, and that the seven or so weeks we had been apart had allowed this feeling to become clear. She has many good memories of our relationship, but she doesn't have belief any more in the idea that we are right for each other, and although I think we could fix things she doesn't want to try. She said we aren't getting back together and we aren't going to. Since she has this rule about not being friends with exes, we agreed not to be in contact, although I did say to her that I wouldn't be able to view it as a bad thing if our paths did cross - I would always want to be her friend if she wanted to. We said our goodbyes.

Obviously I'm really sad about this. At the same time I'm so pleased that and have so much respect for the fact she called me. I have never done the 'cut-them-out' thing with exes, and so I really don't know how to and I'm finding the whole process very difficult. I find at the moment that my love for and respect for my ex is driving me to respect her wishes, but at the same time I am thinking about her almost constantly. I am not sleeping well, and my dreams are filled with thoughts of her and trying to contact her. I know it is over and I shouldn't and won't be doing this, I just wish I could stop thinking about it.

To make matters worse I have come home to some bad and worrying news, something which is very similar to a big thing I helped my ex through a lot about three or four months into our relationship. At the time it was stressful but I think it brought us closer and of course the irony is that the one person who could best understand how I feel about this (admittedly separate) issue is the one person I can't talk to about it.

Anyway, I do to an extent have closure, I just could do with some help in terms of ways of helping the letting-go process along. I have written a lot of stuff down throughout this (the notepad I mentioned in an earlier post which I left at my ex's, and another notepad since while I was waiting to speak to her possibly for the final time and a bit since then), but most of that has been 'to' my ex and I feel like there's nothing to say to her anymore, because all I want for her now is for her to feel love and happiness and to get from life what she wants, and I've already written that.

So, how do you let go of someone (the person you wanted to spend your life with), when essentially you've been cut out by them (I think that way around makes it harder?)

Thanks everyone.
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Lyrically
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So, how do you let go of someone (the person you wanted to spend your life with), when essentially you've been cut out by them (I think that way around makes it harder?)

Thanks everyone.
It's hard getting over someone regardless of the circumstances. The opportunity to contact her is what makes it difficult, the fact that she's done this, is a good thing. You will probably never completely let go & you will feel like **** for a while. Just keep going & at some stage the feelings will begin to weaken to the point you're glad it happened rather than sad that it's over.

Head up, it gets easier.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Lyrically)
It's hard getting over someone regardless of the circumstances. The opportunity to contact her is what makes it difficult, the fact that she's done this, is a good thing. You will probably never completely let go & you will feel like **** for a while. Just keep going & at some stage the feelings will begin to weaken to the point you're glad it happened rather than sad that it's over.

Head up, it gets easier.
I do understand this no contact makes things easier. I think what hurts most is this hard and fast rule that she just will not be friends with me at any point. I don't understand how someone can be so determined to have zero interaction with someone who up until a couple of months ago they shared everything with. I can accept, I do accept that the relationship as it were is gone, but why any chance ever of any sort of relationship. It just seems so cold and cruel.

To top things off, my ex who never once uploaded to Facebook any albums of photos of things we did together, has just uploaded her second album in the space of a few weeks. I'm serious, not one album in over a year and a half together. The first one didn't hurt so much since it was with her sister, but this new one - with some cheery-looking mystery man. And I wasn't Facebook stalking her profile, it just arrived on my news feed
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Lyrically
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I do understand this no contact makes things easier. I think what hurts most is this hard and fast rule that she just will not be friends with me at any point. I don't understand how someone can be so determined to have zero interaction with someone who up until a couple of months ago they shared everything with. I can accept, I do accept that the relationship as it were is gone, but why any chance ever of any sort of relationship. It just seems so cold and cruel.
Cold, cruel, it's for the best & it's the only way, I'm guessing she's mature enough to know that.

Ask yourself, can you truely 'just be friends' especially right now after everything thats happened? There's simply too much residual feeling for any relationship.

You can definitely be friends again, but only once the both of you are completely 'over' eachother & have fully accepted it, any sort of future relationship will be a completely new one.

(Original post by Anonymous)
To top things off, my ex who never once uploaded to Facebook any albums of photos of things we did together, has just uploaded her second album in the space of a few weeks. I'm serious, not one album in over a year and a half together. The first one didn't hurt so much since it was with her sister, but this new one - with some cheery-looking mystery man. And I wasn't Facebook stalking her profile, it just arrived on my news feed
Delete her & everything else.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Lyrically)
Cold, cruel, it's for the best & it's the only way, I'm guessing she's mature enough to know that.

Ask yourself, can you truely 'just be friends' especially right now after everything thats happened? There's simply too much residual feeling for any relationship.

You can definitely be friends again, but only once the both of you are completely 'over' eachother & have fully accepted it, any sort of future relationship will be a completely new one.
Cold and cruel. It's not the only way. It might be the quickest, and a lot of people might think it's the best. But since when has popularity determined what is right and good in the world? I'm not suggesting (to her or on here) that we should 'just be friends' right now, not at all - I completely agree that this wouldn't work, and I can speak from experience on that point. It's just the concept of saying never that doesn't sit well with me. You can't know what your feelings will be in the future - any broken relationship is testament to that. So I can't subscribe to the absolute statement of never wanting to be friends, whoever is making it. I can though respect that it's the right thing at this time.

(Original post by Lyrically)
Delete her & everything else.
What do you mean by everything else? Again, I have never understood the automated reaction some people have to try and remove any and every shred of evidence that parts of their life existed. If I delete her, I go against my sense of being open to the people who have been most important and influential in my life, so I can't see that happening, at least not for a while.

Lyrically, I realise this comes across as very ungrateful, since I have dismissed most of what you have said. That's not to say it isn't appreciated. I think you have helped me to understand my ex's way of thinking more. Perhaps her and I are such different people, and that our morals and gut feelings about how to deal with a situation like this demonstrate that.

I feel a lot better this evening, for having made some decisions. I've had another cry, and I'm not going to use any more tears on my ex now. One wonderful thing that she taught me was about the value of time. Well I'm equally not going to spend any more time dwelling on somebody who doesn't want me in their life. As far as I can tell at the moment, she'll always be welcome to a place in mine if that's what she decides she wants. Perhaps that's too forgiving or soft of me, but that's me and I don't want to change who I am in order to suppress my emotions. I like to help people, and to look after them, and if she ever wants either of these things, I would welcome her asking. She knows how I feel and who I am.

Now I need to focus on what is important to me, and to making the best version of myself.

Thankyou again everybody, sincerely.
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Lyrically
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Cold and cruel. It's not the only way. It might be the quickest, and a lot of people might think it's the best. But since when has popularity determined what is right and good in the world? I'm not suggesting (to her or on here) that we should 'just be friends' right now, not at all - I completely agree that this wouldn't work, and I can speak from experience on that point. It's just the concept of saying never that doesn't sit well with me. You can't know what your feelings will be in the future - any broken relationship is testament to that. So I can't subscribe to the absolute statement of never wanting to be friends, whoever is making it. I can though respect that it's the right thing at this time.
When your thoughts are as distorted as they are now (& rightfully so), you'll think of everything possible. But sooner or later you'll slowly begin to realise it was the only way to move forward. It's only natural to linger.

With regards to friendship, perhaps she was a little harsh, but i'd be pretty certain it was a heat of the moment thing & what she thought was best for her.
You can definitely be friends again, but only once the both of you are completely 'over' eachother & have fully accepted it, any sort of future relationship will be a completely new one.


(Original post by Anonymous)
What do you mean by everything else? Again, I have never understood the automated reaction some people have to try and remove any and every shred of evidence that parts of their life existed. If I delete her, I go against my sense of being open to the people who have been most important and influential in my life, so I can't see that happening, at least not for a while.

Lyrically, I realise this comes across as very ungrateful, since I have dismissed most of what you have said. That's not to say it isn't appreciated. I think you have helped me to understand my ex's way of thinking more. Perhaps her and I are such different people, and that our morals and gut feelings about how to deal with a situation like this demonstrate that.

I feel a lot better this evening, for having made some decisions. I've had another cry, and I'm not going to use any more tears on my ex now. One wonderful thing that she taught me was about the value of time. Well I'm equally not going to spend any more time dwelling on somebody who doesn't want me in their life. As far as I can tell at the moment, she'll always be welcome to a place in mine if that's what she decides she wants. Perhaps that's too forgiving or soft of me, but that's me and I don't want to change who I am in order to suppress my emotions. I like to help people, and to look after them, and if she ever wants either of these things, I would welcome her asking. She knows how I feel and who I am.

Now I need to focus on what is important to me, and to making the best version of myself.

Thankyou again everybody, sincerely.
Not out of hate or like she never existed, but if things such as facebook status' are enough to trigger such emotions, it's only logical to remove them from your day-to-day life, there's no such thing as partially letting go.

That's just what love is, two extremities of emotion, as good as it feels to be in, there's a really nasty side to it.

You're a good person, good luck.
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