its long but help.. Watch
It all started off last year, at college - got an opportunity to film a local band as part of an mv project. wasn't going to do it but in the end did. Anyway, we met the band members, filmed the band members.. everyone was talking to everyone ecept from me and this other guy.. he was shy and so was i, and we was the only ones who said nothing.. anyway, for contacting reasons - we got each others phone numbers, and i even added him on fb. This was where we started getting talking and getting to know each other. We had a fair few things in common, mostly films.. but a few differences as well.. Anyway, we got to know each other more and more.. and met up a few times ( he lives half an hour away from me and is busy at work) and he kissed me.. in the park, quite romantically, arms around me - keeping me close, we was playing around, licking each other's face and it just happened. We both snuggled all the way back home on the train.. (i have a great memory..)
Things was alright for abit tbh, i was happy - alot more now i realize then i did back then.. but there was a problem, he wouldn't be in a relationship with me.. He said to me it was because of his past relationship, and just wanted to see how it went but because i got cheated on in the past, i thought the worse.. He also had a tendency of being on Facebook updating statuses, but not sending me a text message or if i did, he wouldn't reply and only seemed to message me whenever it suited him.. e.g. he would go without a day talking to me, but then would update a status on fb, or go on the xbox.. i guess i felt a bit 'oh', we saw each other around once a month because he had work, money issues as well..
Something else was a bit odd as well, he didn't want me to put anything over Facebook about it.. didn't want me to tell my friends or let his friends catch on.. He didn't even want me to meet his friends.. I would ask about it, but he said just give it time. In addition to this, we never met where i live or where i live - we always had to travel to peterborough together to meet.. it was nice to get out of Skeggy.. but it was just a bit weird why we couldn't live in the town he lived or the town i lived.. my suspicions aroused.. He would also arrange to meet up with me and then last minute, let me down..
in time, my suspicions got worse - mainly because i got cheated on in the past.. and it seemed to be just happening again.. nothing was official tbf, we wasn't girlfriend or boyfriend because of his "problems".. Anyway, i asked a few times and each time he understood, telling me he loved me, telling me everything was fine, telling me he understood why i was the way i was.. i asked him another time - because we met up for a day, and i texted him when got home and heard nothing from him for two days.. I knew i shouldn't tbh, but something was eating away mostly about always having to travel out, it being a secret etc. In the end he flipped, saying I never trust him etc.. I was in pieces - broken wasn't the word. i stopped eating, cried all the time, even gave myself a panic attack. He refused to speak to me for two whole weeks.. i tried but nothing, i thought i was being abit clingy cause i kept sending texts apologising and everytime i heard nothing, i was just wanting to send another.. i just wanted to hear everything was okay. In about a month, i was starting to be alright a little and then one day he sent me a message apologizing.. saying he was sorry for acting like a ****.. etc. He said it was his fault, and i dont deserve to have him, said we should just be friends and see how it goes from there.. i was in bits.. again.. We met however, after this, and on the train home, he kept pulling me into snuggles, allowing me to hold his hand at times.. i got the impression he was actually missing me.. but then half way, he seemed to grow cold and stopped.. :/
That was the last time we met for a while and in that time, he seemed to be getting close to some other girl.. Near my birthday, he would send her hearts on her wall, saying he loves her, 'my demi' etc. This made me break.. I was so guilty about judging him that i could not be angry.. He was texting me for a while, but everytime he did, he was saying how much he misses Demi, how he loves 'my demi' etc. everytime i asked though, he said she was just a good mate to him.. but the way he was being, it all being over fb too when asking me to keep it a secret bleeeh.. He even bought her a xmas present up to 50 quid and vice versa, and told me about that as well. He always told me about her, telling me how he misses HER, what she does etc.. i was so jealous. He even uploaded piccys of him and her together.. just one day before my birthday.. On my actual birthday,(which is in october) it was **** but the day after, i ended up getting off with someone who was also going through a rough time. i regretted it the next day and even though, we wasn't together, he seemed to move on, i felt guilty.. it happened at xmas as well.. and couldn't help but feel guilty..
in time, they seemed to not message over fb anymore and seemed to have lost touch. By this time, i was hurt and thought best way i could do is try and forget him. i stopped using my phone, turned it off so i could stop contacting him and try and forget.i would keep checking fb every now and again because was curious what he was up to.. one day he messaged me on fb, saying about meeting up, saying he missed me.. asking me why i am not texting back. i lied and said phone problems.. i heard off him from a few times after that but he promised to meet up with me, and never did.. saying he was busy at work.. i thought **** this, and turned my phone back off and didn't hear from him for around two months.. He then sent me another message over fb, asking about meeting up, saying he missed my cuggles, saying he missed me and loved me again, i met up with him, because i missed him and because it made me smile. we travelled to Peterborough once again, (which happened quite recently) and i got a bit drunk and he was sober and we ended up kissing.. hugging each other, hands interwining just like old times.. When we departed ways though, it was like it never happened.. He kept in touch for a while but then seemed to get busy after a while, busy hanging with mates etc.. i got annoyed again and turned my phone off, not wanting to talk to anyone..
He lastly, got in touch with me around 3 weeks ago asking to meet up and if i was free.. unfortunatley i wasn't, but he told me he loved me anyway.. and to be on fb the next day, cause he will message me.. he did not.. i felt let down and asked him when should go to Peterborough and heard nothing from him.. next thing i see on FB, was this girl keep posting on his wall.. i looked on her profile and when she first started messaging him, she was with someone.. but over time, she dont seem to be now. one of the recent FB wall posts, saying 'oh not going to text you anymore then' in a jokingly way, and they both started using a heart here and there.. i feel very upset.. it has been around a year now since i first liked him, and i still really care... in the end, i turned my phone on.. and was even more upset to not find no text from him, not even one yet he is willing to text this poxy 16 year old (which he is 19) who just started his work and keep writing on his wall.. I feel broken, upset.. i feel like in a way he was using me..
I feel numb. Constantly. I tried going out, being happy, taking my mind off things.. but it only lasts for a while.. I feel like hes moved on, yet I'm the one who is left behind to deal with everything and to feel like ****.. I cry a majority of the time, think about him most of the time. Most of my friends are in relationships so when i see them happy, and kissing their partners, i just feel even more crap. I keep blaming myself as well. For the fact i should of trusted him because none of this would of happened.. I have no idea what to do. One minute i feel angry, and next i feel like 'pfft, **** him!'. Atm, i feel like hes going to take this girl to the places we went, and you know, theres no memory of me.. i feel like i dont ever want to talk to him again because i feel so hurt from him. He doesn't know how hurt i feel, because last time i was honest with him, it caused that big argument mentioned earlier..
Can someone please help? or give some advice? i feel like i cant talk to my friends or the friends i can - they dont understand.. :/ If at least someone has read through all the rubbish i wrote and replies, i would be very very grateful! i just dunno what to do, i feel like its all my fault constantly and dunno how to change this..
He's hurt you badly, and staying under his spell is just self destructive and you can do so much better!!
Start doing stuff for yourself! Treat yourself. Indulge in your love of film or any other hobbies you have or want to start. It'll help take your mind off things - but inevitably you will get the odd invading thought of him, but the more you keep yourself busy, the fewer they become. You've obviously been shattered by this, but by building yourself up again by doing things you love, you'll feel alot stronger and perhaps, with time, ready to start a new love interest.
With regards to him, be strong. If he asks for another meeting in Peterborough, please, for your own sake, don't give in. Don't fall into old patterns, you're better than that and you deserve so much more
Thank you so much again! its nice to hear it from a strangers point of view and to know they think its not my fault.. Thank you again x