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Bad r'ship with my dad.
Ever since i was about 13 ive had a very rocky relationship with my dad. It suprises people when they find out, because i have a very good relationship with my mum, and i suppose i dont seem the "type" to not get on with my own family.
It got to the point afew years ago, when it was totally unbearable for me to be in the same house at him, let alone room. It was just the snidey comments, horrible remarks and constant moaning; i suppose i was being bullied by him. Im not sure why though, im was never a bad child, and im quite intelligent, bubbly and happy in general, and he gets on with my little brother just fine! It will be very difficult for many to understand being bullied by a member of your family, but it can happen without physical violence/abuse.
Anyway, things got fairly better when i moved out to uni, im in my 2nd year now and i did feel that i was finally getting along with my dad. I suppose only seeing him the odd weekend was fine, and holidays were just about bearable. However now, being back for easter is seems as if things have backtracked again. I dont want to spend the whole holidays in tears, or too scared to go downstairs. I can see the next month being hard, and something i'll have to live with. I just really want to know if anyone has any similar experiences, or advice for me? I know it is too late for us to be like most fathers and daughters, many people know that he lost his little girl years ago, but i dont want it to be like it is now, forever.
Thankyou.
It got to the point afew years ago, when it was totally unbearable for me to be in the same house at him, let alone room. It was just the snidey comments, horrible remarks and constant moaning; i suppose i was being bullied by him. Im not sure why though, im was never a bad child, and im quite intelligent, bubbly and happy in general, and he gets on with my little brother just fine! It will be very difficult for many to understand being bullied by a member of your family, but it can happen without physical violence/abuse.
Anyway, things got fairly better when i moved out to uni, im in my 2nd year now and i did feel that i was finally getting along with my dad. I suppose only seeing him the odd weekend was fine, and holidays were just about bearable. However now, being back for easter is seems as if things have backtracked again. I dont want to spend the whole holidays in tears, or too scared to go downstairs. I can see the next month being hard, and something i'll have to live with. I just really want to know if anyone has any similar experiences, or advice for me? I know it is too late for us to be like most fathers and daughters, many people know that he lost his little girl years ago, but i dont want it to be like it is now, forever.
Thankyou.
Reply 1
Heya, yes, I have had/still have a rocky relationship with my father. I'll PM you my msn if you want, cos I've not really got time to post a real reply at the moment. But your situation seems pretty similar to mine, except for we moved out of his house when I was 14 (so 5yrs ago) but it's still awkward and a struggle (on and off) when I go home in uni holidays..often feel like Im, the adult in the relationship.
EDIT: ****, okay just realised it's an anonymous post so i can't PM you....Pm me??
EDIT: ****, okay just realised it's an anonymous post so i can't PM you....Pm me??
Reply 2
You should try to change the dynamic. Like you said, the father-daughter relationship broke down years ago - so it's probably best that you completely abandon the entire parent-child dynamic. In my teens I didn't get on particularly well with either of my parents (though, there were other issues) but now that I'm in my 20's and my parents are separated, I find that I have a good relationship with them both, but as friends, not as parents.
It can be hard from both sides - some parents won't give up the "parents right, children wrong" mentality, and I know that when you go home from Uni (where you;re used to feeling adult and independent) being thrown back into your childhood home can make you feel suddenly much, much younger.
But basically - you are an adult, and you deserve to be respected as one. So don't let him make you feel like you're a kid - try to talk to him as an equal - and then at the very least you can be respectful towards each other if not eventually amiable.
It can be hard from both sides - some parents won't give up the "parents right, children wrong" mentality, and I know that when you go home from Uni (where you;re used to feeling adult and independent) being thrown back into your childhood home can make you feel suddenly much, much younger.
But basically - you are an adult, and you deserve to be respected as one. So don't let him make you feel like you're a kid - try to talk to him as an equal - and then at the very least you can be respectful towards each other if not eventually amiable.
Reply 3
johnnysgirl
Heya, yes, I have had/still have a rocky relationship with my father. I'll PM you my msn if you want, cos I've not really got time to post a real reply at the moment. But your situation seems pretty similar to mine, except for we moved out of his house when I was 14 (so 5yrs ago) but it's still awkward and a struggle (on and off) when I go home in uni holidays..often feel like Im, the adult in the relationship.
EDIT: ****, okay just realised it's an anonymous post so i can't PM you....Pm me??
EDIT: ****, okay just realised it's an anonymous post so i can't PM you....Pm me??
I know how you feel, but my mum split up with my dad when i was 16 so we moved out. I hated being in the same room as him, being left on my own with him and couldn't bear living with him. He was violent and abusive, but the worst part where the nasty things he used to say. I speak to him occasionaly every now and again on the phone, but he lives 3 hours away and i haven't seen him since the day we moved out. I don't miss him and i am glad i don't see him. You didn't choose your family, so don't feel you have to have a relationship with him, sometimes it's just better to admit the fact even if it hurts that it might be easier not having anything to do with your dad.
Reply 4
woah i know exactly how u feel! Ive learnt now that whatever I do I cant change my parents or the things about them that annoy/upset me. All I can suggest is either trying to engage in a proper conversation with him about your feelings, or just accept it and concentrate on your own life... I hope things get better for you 
Its a sad situation but i really have no idea how it can be resolved im sorry :s
Its a sad situation but i really have no idea how it can be resolved im sorry :s
Reply 5
katie lou
I know how you feel, but my mum split up with my dad when i was 16 so we moved out. I hated being in the same room as him, being left on my own with him and couldn't bear living with him. He was violent and abusive, but the worst part where the nasty things he used to say. I speak to him occasionaly every now and again on the phone, but he lives 3 hours away and i haven't seen him since the day we moved out. I don't miss him and i am glad i don't see him. You didn't choose your family, so don't feel you have to have a relationship with him, sometimes it's just better to admit the fact even if it hurts that it might be easier not having anything to do with your dad.
Yeah, there was always a bad atmosphere when I was growing up, from a young age mine would yell obscentities in my face, although he was never physically violent to either me, my mum or my other siblings. He made her life hell and bred a nice lot of insecurities in me, which thankfully- whilst wrecking my self-esteem in my early teens- have not affected the woman I have become. I am very happy. Things are better now; but it's still a very flaky, fractured, on and off relationship. It's very trying. You never forgot how people have treated you; the things they have said and done to hurt you. You're right KatieLou, you can't choose your family at all, and you shouldn't feel obligated to make time for them in your life if they don't deserve it. To the OP, as another poster said, try to think of your dad as another adult, rather than a parent if that helps. It does me.
Reply 6
Its not your fault. Don't blame yourself as its not your fault. Fathers can be idiots. He is the one with the problems not you. Although I know thats hard to believe.
I understand. I've been there. Abuse doesn't just have to be physical or sexual, it can be emotional and thats the kind which can be the most deadly.
You're an adult and you have as much right to be happy as he does. He shouldn't be able to make you feel so helpless in your own home. Does your mother know how you feel? Or siblings? What is he like with them? Do you speak to your dad, well I mean, tell him how you felt growing up? As sometimes that can help, he may not realise its happening. What do you think changed when you went to university?
If you need to talk, PM me anytime. I've been there, and well, I still am there. I can really identify with what you posted. I wouldn't reveal your user name or anything like that x
It will be very difficult for many to understand being bullied by a member of your family, but it can happen without physical violence/abuse.
I understand. I've been there. Abuse doesn't just have to be physical or sexual, it can be emotional and thats the kind which can be the most deadly.
You're an adult and you have as much right to be happy as he does. He shouldn't be able to make you feel so helpless in your own home. Does your mother know how you feel? Or siblings? What is he like with them? Do you speak to your dad, well I mean, tell him how you felt growing up? As sometimes that can help, he may not realise its happening. What do you think changed when you went to university?
If you need to talk, PM me anytime. I've been there, and well, I still am there. I can really identify with what you posted. I wouldn't reveal your user name or anything like that x
Reply 7
Thankyou, alot of what you all said made alot of sense, i think its just coming home from uni and it going completely downhill has pushed it all to the front of my mind again.
My mum and bro are caught up in the middle, there have been afew occasions when it got to boiling point, that my parents have had major arguements over me, and my mum has said if i decided to move out (before uni) she would come with me. Its all a bit hard to explain, because though i want to explain how hurt and unloved by him i feel, i dont want to make him out to be some sort of monster.
I know that alot of what happened with us when i was growing up, is the reason behind many insecurities, and the fact that i find it ever so hard to trust people. I also dont reeeally lknow how to be loving towards someone - just when it comes to hugs, or comforting. I do feel better though, for knoeing there are people out there like me. Im just a normal girl, with many friends, close to my mum and bro, who really doesnt get on with her dad.
My mum and bro are caught up in the middle, there have been afew occasions when it got to boiling point, that my parents have had major arguements over me, and my mum has said if i decided to move out (before uni) she would come with me. Its all a bit hard to explain, because though i want to explain how hurt and unloved by him i feel, i dont want to make him out to be some sort of monster.
I know that alot of what happened with us when i was growing up, is the reason behind many insecurities, and the fact that i find it ever so hard to trust people. I also dont reeeally lknow how to be loving towards someone - just when it comes to hugs, or comforting. I do feel better though, for knoeing there are people out there like me. Im just a normal girl, with many friends, close to my mum and bro, who really doesnt get on with her dad.
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