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Any advice on my relationship?

It seems for me that talking about it is the best way for me to not feel depressed or something, and hearing other people's views.

So basically i'll explain it.

I've known a girl from holland online for a year and a half. It was nothing special at first, just a few chats now and then. After 6 months down the line, we started to get to know each other very well, and enjoyed talking to one another. We talked almost everyday for so long. Camming sometimes. We got closer and closer the more time we talked. Untill i would spend nights thinking of her and slowly falling for her after a terrible break i had a year before. I got to know her friends and her family, and her with mine. She would tell me stuff, she told no one else, and take my advice, i did the same. I would cheer her up when she was down with her problems and make her feel not alone.

This all lead to meeting going to spend Christmas with her. I didn't know what to expect and i didn't expect much. But once i was there, we totally clicked like we did online. Everything was perfect and we had a great weeks and fun time together. I asked her to be my girlfriend later that week and she said yes. The end of my week in Holland, i told her i loved her as i left the airport, we both were crying. I don't know whether i did or not... but i wanted to end it perfect... in fact i didn't wanna leave at all. She didn't say anything back.

I spent 6 weeks back in England. Talking to her everyday online and calling her sometimes. The first month or so, it was good. She told me she missed me, we talked about our future, and made plans. The last two weeks or so... she was feeling down... and we had a couple of small arguments... she also had big personal problems to deal with. the last week, she told me... 'I don't know if i love you or not, but i really want to because your perfect to me, but i just don't know if the feeling will ever come, im telling you this because if it doesn't when your here again, then we might have to break up.' I went there again, feeling down.

The first few days, we talked about breaking up and i asked her to give me the week to see if she changed her mind, and for her to make the first move. She did the next day and things went back to normal. I spent Valentines with her and it was really great, we were a couple again. But not how perfect it was the first time, but still great. I asked her if she wanted to be together after, she said yes. I was happy again.

I went back to england, for 7 weeks. The first 3 weeks it was good, she told me she missed me etc... I felt our relationship was as stronger as ever. Though she wouldn't show my affection when i asked for it, or give me some in return, i was hurt by this but i was happy i still had her. After that, she was feeling really depressed with so many problems, in her life. I tried to help her but i also argued with her due to my jealousy and clingingness. We grown distant and didn't talk much and when we did, it wasn't good. 5 weeks into it, she was at rock bottem and i had did something to her a few days eariler i wasn't proud of, she was angry at me. She asked if i could just be friends with her. Her reasons are she thinks she will never love me, she was uncomfortable with doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. She didn't feel a love feeling with me but saw me only as a best friend.

My intentions were that i didn't want to let her go. I cared for her too much. I realised i did love her. But i agreed because in the end, i just want her to be happy. Its been 5 days since then, and i feel so hurt and depressed. I really want her back. I was happy with her and i thought she was happy with me. Her friends thought she was too. I would do anything to get her back but if she really is happier without me then... i will try and move on and be her friend only. Even if it pains me and it does. But i am still going there in a weeks time and i can't help but hope we'll still find a way to work out, even if she assured me nothing will happen and was unsure of me going. I need to go to find a truth, as when we're together it's always different. To make her happy. Right now though it just hurts so much, and i cry whenever i think of her, and that we'll never be together, because she was perfect to me. I miss her so much. I don't know what to do.

Recently, we're been talking as 'just friends'. She has been happy with this as her personal problems just died down a bit too. She wants things to be like they used to before we were dating. I know i want more, but i can't tell her how much it pains me. I'm her best friend, shes mine, i don't want to lose that but I know i really love her. When i was with her i felt, it was perfect. We were really happy.

Any ideas for those of your still reading this :biggrin:
Sorry if its too much, but kinda bored :/

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Reply 1
Is there ever going to be a time when you can be properly together.

It just seems that if you only see her for such intense periods of timeand then not at all for like a month and a half that she'll become more of an everything.

Long distance is so hard but I guess if you really want it you can make it happen.

Sorry this is really rambly but what Im trying to say is are you sure that this is what you want. And if you are go get her back because its totally savable!
Reply 2
Emmalina:
When her problems came, i gave her the option, of coming to live in england with me with awhile and work at my family resturant. I thought i could make her happy if she was with me. She wanted to come so much... but she also told me that she still thought she wouldn't love me and saw me only as a friend. So she decided we'll talk about it when I'm back there.
I felt like i was just living my life, to look forward to seeing her next as nothing else mattered to me. I do want her back. I've come to known that by so much thought >_<
Long distance was really hard but i knew in me that i would be happy when i was with her.
You really think its savable? I've been feeling kinda hopeless because she told me she would never love me etc and that i shouldn't go there hoping...

Indu.Mitra:
Yeah i understand your view. But like our friendship already developed into something more, and i'm stuck in that train of thought. I had thought that if she did want me... she come to me, but i don't want to wait... maybe it will never come... but i have no choice i guess, i've done all i can. But yeah, after if my visit in Holland ends with us only being friends, then i will stop pressuring her. And be her friends and nothing more unless she wants it.
I just can't think of her being with anyone else...

Thanks for both your input :smile:
Reply 3
Sounds like you should just give up, to be honest. If she's only interested when you're there and tries to break it off everytime that you come back, then it sounds like she just doesn't have the courage to say to your face that she isn't interested (especially after you've travelled all that way).
Reply 4
Yeah... But the thing is, she told me many times she really wants to be with me but can't seem get the feeling of love with me, which i thought its only cause we're spent 2 weeks only together. when i was she made the first move :/
I understand what your saying though and i will if it doesn't work out this last time.
She actually felt really guilty, that i've been there twice (gonna be three) times in a row, because she really wanted to come here the third time. But one of her problems is that she has been looking for a job for over 3 months and quit her uni 4 months ago. I don't mind the cost really. We're both young as well, and i'm her first boyfriend. Shes never been in love before and sometimes i feel she thinks it how it is in the movies, which i don't for her like that at all.
I just like her so much, shes great person with everything i ever wanted, and we were really happy together....
Reply 5
It you spend more time with her maybe she will change her mind, but dont try to force it.
Reply 6
Yeah, i don't want to force it. I'll go as her friend. If anything more happens it'll be a bonus and we'll talk about it then.
Reply 7
Give her some time and space to think, the love will soon develop when she misses you. Still be friends but dont talk about having a relationship. give it some time.
Reply 8
Ah thanks.
Guess thats all i can do.
Any ideas on what i should do when i go to stay with her in a weeks time? I'm there for 2 weeks and im staying in her room, and we'll probably be alone most of the time...
Should i make a move at all?
Or wait for her to, if she even does. Which she did last time.

But she has told me to not expect anything, otherwise i'll just be dissappointed, and asked if me coming was a good idea. But i convinced her i will try and go as her friend, and i need to clarify our break up.
Even if she does make a move, don't do anything dude. She sounds like she’s flitting back and forth all the time and messing you around. Show more respect for yourself than to play in to her hands every time she beckons for you. I personally would think quite carefully about even going over so soon after all this happened. Yes remain friends if you wish to, but me thinks your train of thought regarding her is not platonic in the slightest at this time, and that’s to be expected given you did get more involved with her. You should give yourself some time to 'get over her' as it were, spending two weeks in her company desiring her and wanting to pounce on her ain't gonna help that in the slightest.:wink:
Oh and seriously, yes it's sad if this doesn't get back to how it was... but don't feel you need her or she’s the only person for you. Sometimes when you get so involved in one person that’s hard to see... but dude there are, to spin out an oh so relevant cliché, 'plenty more fish in the sea':rolleyes:
I speak from having experienced a similar if not identical situation myself... absolutely no fun I know!!! But you can't allow a situation like this to continue indefinitely, it will drive you completely nuts!:cool:
Anyway man, best of luck whatever you do.
Reply 10
Yeah, i been given loads of similar advice like that from family and friends. But my feeling is after thinking about it, i wanna go there still, to try and be friends with her. See how it is. If things do happen, i'll take it with care but i'm not expecting anything.

Its just that time... i made a few moves at the start and she was rejecting me kinda, so i told her to give me the week to see if her feelings would change with im with and for her to make to first move from now on. And it did and she did. When it does though, its like we're so happy, theres nothing better.

She is my best friend though, and im hers. I still need her friendship in my life and well you know i want more than friends too though. I'll just give her time and space.

I am her first boyfriend, as shes very scared of commitment. Shes not the type of girl also who's goes around having fun. I really trust her when we were together. Shes very independent and i respect that in her. I don't think she would play me like that. And well... i do miss our physical relationship... and i would even take that and thats the only thing thats gone from our thing right now... except for the fact thats shes free to see other people and we don't talk couple like anymore. honesty is the backbone of our relationship and i've never lied to her and when i did, i always feel bad and tell her the next day. Theres nothing i've seen to make me think she has ever lied to me also.

Even when we were talking about breaking up then, we would spent all night talking... about everything. That was special for me.

I'm trying to get over her now... but its really difficult as it should be... but i really do love her... she was the world to me, and i want that back and i see a very small chance, i could if i went there... Otherwise back to my first plan of going as a friend, supporting her.

Thanks for your input, it helped :smile:
Reply 11
Yodling Zeek
Even if she does make a move, don't do anything dude. She sounds like she’s flitting back and forth all the time and messing you around. Show more respect for yourself than to play in to her hands every time she beckons for you. I personally would think quite carefully about even going over so soon after all this happened. Yes remain friends if you wish to, but me thinks your train of thought regarding her is not platonic in the slightest at this time, and that’s to be expected given you did get more involved with her. You should give yourself some time to 'get over her' as it were, spending two weeks in her company desiring her and wanting to pounce on her ain't gonna help that in the slightest.:wink:
Oh and seriously, yes it's sad if this doesn't get back to how it was... but don't feel you need her or she’s the only person for you. Sometimes when you get so involved in one person that’s hard to see... but dude there are, to spin out an oh so relevant cliché, 'plenty more fish in the sea':rolleyes:
I speak from having experienced a similar if not identical situation myself... absolutely no fun I know!!! But you can't allow a situation like this to continue indefinitely, it will drive you completely nuts!:cool:
Anyway man, best of luck whatever you do.


:congrats: I totally agree.
Reply 12
I think maybe she's flititng round because you've made it all about love. and after seeing someone so little its hard to know if you are really in love.

Msn and stuff is all well and good but its not the same as spending time with someone, its not till you spend time with them that you know if you're in love or not. otherwise you dont know whether they're little habits are annoying or endearing etc.

It might be possible to have a relationship that is more casual and leads into something bigger?
Reply 13
Originally posted by Meechok
The first few days, we talked about breaking up and i asked her to give me the week to see if she changed her mind, and for her to make the first move.


That was a bad move in itself... i'm not even gonna read the rest of the post... they all end in a similar way...

You gave all your power to HER...

your relationship is in trouble...so hug your inner child and tell him it's okay before the final blow of the break-up comes... and it's inevitable, trust me...

bottom line: there's nothing you can do to save the relationship...

i'm not being pessimistic or trying to make you feel bad, but this is some hard truth you'll have to bear....when you asked for the "one week", you simply shot urself in the foot...


To whoever who'll be reading this post: You see why it's SO important to develop a personality? When I say go alpha-male, I'm not ********ting... Guys like Meechok really need help in the women's department
Reply 14
When i was with her, i told her i wasn't sure if i loved her or not. But i told her that i had great fun with her and enjoyed our friendship. And that i wanted to be with her because i really care about her, and like her, and mostly importantly, we're happy when we're together, very happy. To which shes been pretty much depressed since summer from her problems. But i think now though, that i do love her, as i realise it now that we're not together, even with all this sadness, in the end, i want her to be happy.

Thats how i felt about our relationship too. We needed to be together to experiance 'love'. Thats why i wanted her to live with me in London for a while. I thought it was natural to not feel a love for someone especially with her as she felt it didn't seem as we're together when we're online. I just feel that if we were to spend a long time together, she will be able to.... if not then, it was never meant to be in the long run. But i need to know because i feel it is.
Reply 15
Thanks anjurdsg?....
I see you make any girl happy.
Reply 16
Meechok
When i was with her, i told her i wasn't sure if i loved her or not. But i told her that i had great fun with her and enjoyed our friendship. And that i wanted to be with her because i really care about her, and like her, and mostly importantly, we're happy when we're together, very happy. To which shes been pretty much depressed since summer from her problems. But i think now though, that i do love her, as i realise it now that we're not together, even with all this sadness, in the end, i want her to be happy.

Thats how i felt about our relationship too. We needed to be together to experiance 'love'. Thats why i wanted her to live with me in London for a while. I thought it was natural to not feel a love for someone especially with her as she felt it didn't seem as we're together when we're online. I just feel that if we were to spend a long time together, she will be able to.... if not then, it was never meant to be in the long run. But i need to know because i feel it is.



yes yes... the same old, same old rant... this is what EVERY GUY IN THE WORLD feels... aite? So lay off with the sarcastic comments like:


Thanks anjurdsg?....
I see you make any girl happy.


Dear me, what's with people and my alpha-male-views?
Reply 17
*sigh*
I'm not bothered with this right
maybe next week
Reply 18
Meechok
*sigh*
I'm not bothered with this right
maybe next week


hey dude come on dont lose heart...

i suggest u wat? go out with ur friends more often...flirt with more girls... it'll help u get rid of the girl... trust me, i was in a similar situation 2 yrs back when i used to be OBSESSED with this really good looking british girl (i have to say british girls are HOT) ...

and i went through a similar thing...she just walked all over me...

but then i realised what i did wrong...

i tried all kinds of things to get over her...
Reply 19
Thanks i will do that, when i completely decide to move on.