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Everything is messed up..
Ok, well apologies in advance for the length of this and i will give rep to the people who take time to give good advice 
Well, i have a boyfriend of a long time called Tom but things arn't going great between us. Infact, i'd say they were pretty crap. I have considered finishing it, and will soon, its just so hard
Anyway, i have this friend called Ben who i met on a night out months ago, he was a friend of a friend. Anyway, i see him quite alot, and we became good friends when me and my b/f broke up for a while. He had just split up with his ex of 3+ years.
He's admitted he really likes me etc, but obviously nothing can happen whilst i'm with Tom. Thats fine, i like him alot and have become very fond of him.
Anyway, Ben's been acting really strange recently, wanting to talk to me 'face to face' about something 'really important' but everytime we do meet he doesn't say what it is.
Last night he had been somewhere, i'd been trying to ring him and text him to see if he wanted to talk to me about whats going on as i was really concerned.
He rang me and got a bit upset, i just said 'look your worrying me WHAT IS GOING ON...'
He basically blurted out: His ex that he split up with about 10 months or so was having a baby and it was his. She was due on Saturday and he'd known for about 7 months and not told me. He hadn't been sleeping with her after they broke up, as they broke up around 9 months ago. They used a condom but it must of split. Anyway he told me he and her had HUGE rows as he didn't want a baby, didn't love her, their families have rowed, but she wants to keep it. Her choice.
Anyway, i was SO SHOCKED that this was all happening, i had NO idea about this, and the whole concept had just completely messed me up. He hadn;t told me for the WHOLE time he'd known me! How could he have physically kept that from me! He was so normal around me...
I asked why he hadn't told me and he said he just couldnt face up to the fact that it would mean nothing would ever happen between us, how much it would change everything, blah blah blah. I really do believe thats why he didn't tell me.
Turns out everyone knew, his friends, family etc just not me. They all had known for months. He didn't wanna 'loose' me he said, and just couldn't ruin what may happen...
I was SO upset, not just because he'd lied for months but because he was gonna be a dad, and selfish as it is, this would change SO much.
I do really like him, even as a friend, but i'm so confused as to what to do. Obviously i'll be there for him, but she might be in labour today, i've head nothing from him at all. Should i just leave him alone?
He claims he feels nothing for his ex apart from friendship, but maybe he'll change his mind when the baby comes along, which is another reason i'm hurting. He said at first he was so so so upset, but he's had so long to get used to it now he just wants to be there for his child and be a good dad. (He is able to financially support it.)
If you were me, what would yo do? And what do you think about being with someone with a baby? He's only 21! He's such a sensible bloke, it really was a mistake.
I don't want advice such as - 'Oh sort it out with your bf blah blah' cause i will. Thats not the problem in hand...
Help
Well, i have a boyfriend of a long time called Tom but things arn't going great between us. Infact, i'd say they were pretty crap. I have considered finishing it, and will soon, its just so hard
Anyway, i have this friend called Ben who i met on a night out months ago, he was a friend of a friend. Anyway, i see him quite alot, and we became good friends when me and my b/f broke up for a while. He had just split up with his ex of 3+ years.
He's admitted he really likes me etc, but obviously nothing can happen whilst i'm with Tom. Thats fine, i like him alot and have become very fond of him.
Anyway, Ben's been acting really strange recently, wanting to talk to me 'face to face' about something 'really important' but everytime we do meet he doesn't say what it is.
Last night he had been somewhere, i'd been trying to ring him and text him to see if he wanted to talk to me about whats going on as i was really concerned.
He rang me and got a bit upset, i just said 'look your worrying me WHAT IS GOING ON...'
He basically blurted out: His ex that he split up with about 10 months or so was having a baby and it was his. She was due on Saturday and he'd known for about 7 months and not told me. He hadn't been sleeping with her after they broke up, as they broke up around 9 months ago. They used a condom but it must of split. Anyway he told me he and her had HUGE rows as he didn't want a baby, didn't love her, their families have rowed, but she wants to keep it. Her choice.
Anyway, i was SO SHOCKED that this was all happening, i had NO idea about this, and the whole concept had just completely messed me up. He hadn;t told me for the WHOLE time he'd known me! How could he have physically kept that from me! He was so normal around me...
I asked why he hadn't told me and he said he just couldnt face up to the fact that it would mean nothing would ever happen between us, how much it would change everything, blah blah blah. I really do believe thats why he didn't tell me.
Turns out everyone knew, his friends, family etc just not me. They all had known for months. He didn't wanna 'loose' me he said, and just couldn't ruin what may happen...
I was SO upset, not just because he'd lied for months but because he was gonna be a dad, and selfish as it is, this would change SO much.
I do really like him, even as a friend, but i'm so confused as to what to do. Obviously i'll be there for him, but she might be in labour today, i've head nothing from him at all. Should i just leave him alone?
He claims he feels nothing for his ex apart from friendship, but maybe he'll change his mind when the baby comes along, which is another reason i'm hurting. He said at first he was so so so upset, but he's had so long to get used to it now he just wants to be there for his child and be a good dad. (He is able to financially support it.)
If you were me, what would yo do? And what do you think about being with someone with a baby? He's only 21! He's such a sensible bloke, it really was a mistake.
I don't want advice such as - 'Oh sort it out with your bf blah blah' cause i will. Thats not the problem in hand...
Help
Scroll to see replies
Help!
His attachment to the other girl will be for 18 years or more because they have a baby together, frankly I couldn't have my boyfriend be so attached to his ex for all that time and it would involve a lot of contact because they would have something WAY more special than what you have with him (the baby). I think I would be a little bit jealous; if I could avoid that relationship I definitely would as things will probably only get more complexed. However, if you think you could deal with him being attached to another girl then I don't see what the problem would be (I hope you understand what I am trying to say)
I think at the end of the day, it's a case of what you're comfortable dealing with. If you like the guy enough to cope with everything that's going to come attached with him being a dad, then keep on being there with him, whether that's as a friend or something more. If you can't do that, then perhaps you need to back off. If you're not sure... perhaps you just need to see how things go, and let things unfold?
from what you have said you know that your boyfriend isnt for you and its just a matter of time before you gather the courage to dump him. you also sound like youve made your mind up about ben. you have been betrayed by him but you cant help but feel something for him anyway. or thats what came accross in your post.
i think you need some time to consider things then just go for what feels right to you. if it is ben you want to be with then just be careful and take it slowly.
gl
i think you need some time to consider things then just go for what feels right to you. if it is ben you want to be with then just be careful and take it slowly.
gl
Anonymous
He claims he feels nothing for his ex apart from friendship, but maybe he'll change his mind when the baby comes along,
He claims he feels nothing for his ex apart from friendship, but maybe he'll change his mind when the baby comes along,
He will love the baby, but you can't rekindle a romance just by having one. His ex is still his ex, and the reasons for them being incompatable as lovers will probably still be there. If anything, having a this baby may strain the relationship between them further.
*Jaded
to be honest i dont think that it would be a good idea for you to continue seeing this guy. He didnt tell you about the pregnancy all the time he'd known you - therefore how do u know u can trust him? Also this girl mayb his ex but she is still havin his baby and she needs his support. You will become second best to both her and the baby. You shud try to find someone who without a doubt will put you first.
JadedHippy
If anything, having a this baby may strain the relationship between them further.
*Jaded
*Jaded
Why's that?
hayleyisblonde
You shud try to find someone who without a doubt will put you first.
Wish it was that easy to get over someone
I think the reason why Ben didn't tell you about the baby for so long was because he was ashamed of what he'd done - broke up with the girl and left her with a baby (even if by accident). I think that he didn't want you to think badly of him, and he seems to like you a lot and he was probably scared that he'd frighten you off.
Yeah, if he is going to be involved with the baby, then he will have some kind of contact with the mother for 18 years, but that won't change their relationship. A baby cannot, and will not mend or alter a broken relationship. And nobody should try and ever prevent a father/child relationship.
And yes, the child should come first, always. However, that won't stop the father having a life of his own or being a good partner, and quite frankly, if you are still interested in Ben, then I would say just give it a go. Think about what all this says about him as a person - he didn't want a baby, but he's willing to stand by an ex, who is having his child. He sounds like a decent guy - how many guys out there do you think would stand by this girl and this baby in a simular situation?
Besides, if you don't give it a go with his, will you always wonder, and later regret it? Possibly. If it doesn't work out, you can always break up, but you might not be able to get him back if you say no now, and he finds someone else. If you're really not sure, then just take it slowly and don't rush things.
At the very least, I think you should remain good friends with him, and be supportive of his situation, because he's going to need his friends now.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Yeah, if he is going to be involved with the baby, then he will have some kind of contact with the mother for 18 years, but that won't change their relationship. A baby cannot, and will not mend or alter a broken relationship. And nobody should try and ever prevent a father/child relationship.
And yes, the child should come first, always. However, that won't stop the father having a life of his own or being a good partner, and quite frankly, if you are still interested in Ben, then I would say just give it a go. Think about what all this says about him as a person - he didn't want a baby, but he's willing to stand by an ex, who is having his child. He sounds like a decent guy - how many guys out there do you think would stand by this girl and this baby in a simular situation?
Besides, if you don't give it a go with his, will you always wonder, and later regret it? Possibly. If it doesn't work out, you can always break up, but you might not be able to get him back if you say no now, and he finds someone else. If you're really not sure, then just take it slowly and don't rush things.
At the very least, I think you should remain good friends with him, and be supportive of his situation, because he's going to need his friends now.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Thats some really good advice, thankyou.
I do agree with you here, although how he managed to keep that quiet, is beyond me.
Yeah i know it probably won't change them, but i know that she wants to be back with him, and what i'm saying is having a baby may bring them back together, who knows?
Were just friends right now, but i don't know if i could cope with a b/f having a child with someone else, the jealous ex, the restricted time with him. I know it sounds selfish, but i don't wanna be second best
Yeah he's a lovely bloke, which is why he's standing by her. He says he's now looking forward to being a dad, which is really sweet - just seems like its going to be really complicated and difficult from now on!
I just knew him as single ben no attatchments, then overnight, this!
Definately. Just worried i won't see him now
AND P.S, BABY WAS BORN LAST NIGHT/YESTERDAY.
andy_c
I think the reason why Ben didn't tell you about the baby for so long was because he was ashamed of what he'd done - broke up with the girl and left her with a baby (even if by accident). I think that he didn't want you to think badly of him, and he seems to like you a lot and he was probably scared that he'd frighten you off..
I do agree with you here, although how he managed to keep that quiet, is beyond me.
andy_c
Yeah, if he is going to be involved with the baby, then he will have some kind of contact with the mother for 18 years, but that won't change their relationship. A baby cannot, and will not mend or alter a broken relationship. And nobody should try and ever prevent a father/child relationship.
Yeah i know it probably won't change them, but i know that she wants to be back with him, and what i'm saying is having a baby may bring them back together, who knows?
andy_c
And yes, the child should come first, always. However, that won't stop the father having a life of his own or being a good partner, and quite frankly, if you are still interested in Ben, then I would say just give it a go.
Were just friends right now, but i don't know if i could cope with a b/f having a child with someone else, the jealous ex, the restricted time with him. I know it sounds selfish, but i don't wanna be second best
andy_c
Think about what all this says about him as a person - he didn't want a baby, but he's willing to stand by an ex, who is having his child. He sounds like a decent guy - how many guys out there do you think would stand by this girl and this baby in a simular situation?
Yeah he's a lovely bloke, which is why he's standing by her. He says he's now looking forward to being a dad, which is really sweet - just seems like its going to be really complicated and difficult from now on!
I just knew him as single ben no attatchments, then overnight, this!
andy_c
At the very least, I think you should remain good friends with him, and be supportive of his situation, because he's going to need his friends now.
Definately. Just worried i won't see him now
AND P.S, BABY WAS BORN LAST NIGHT/YESTERDAY.
Anonymous
Why's that?
Family tension / allocation of visiting times with child / different view on how it should be raised ect. A baby normally causes a lot of tension to couples who actually want to be together. If they are separate it often descends into chaos and resentment, for a short time at least. This is not a rule set in stone though, but I feel it is a general truth.
*Jaded
andy_c
I think the reason why Ben didn't tell you about the baby for so long was because he was ashamed of what he'd done - broke up with the girl and left her with a baby (even if by accident). I think that he didn't want you to think badly of him, and he seems to like you a lot and he was probably scared that he'd frighten you off.
Yeah, if he is going to be involved with the baby, then he will have some kind of contact with the mother for 18 years, but that won't change their relationship. A baby cannot, and will not mend or alter a broken relationship. And nobody should try and ever prevent a father/child relationship.
And yes, the child should come first, always. However, that won't stop the father having a life of his own or being a good partner, and quite frankly, if you are still interested in Ben, then I would say just give it a go. Think about what all this says about him as a person - he didn't want a baby, but he's willing to stand by an ex, who is having his child. He sounds like a decent guy - how many guys out there do you think would stand by this girl and this baby in a simular situation?
Besides, if you don't give it a go with his, will you always wonder, and later regret it? Possibly. If it doesn't work out, you can always break up, but you might not be able to get him back if you say no now, and he finds someone else. If you're really not sure, then just take it slowly and don't rush things.
At the very least, I think you should remain good friends with him, and be supportive of his situation, because he's going to need his friends now.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Yeah, if he is going to be involved with the baby, then he will have some kind of contact with the mother for 18 years, but that won't change their relationship. A baby cannot, and will not mend or alter a broken relationship. And nobody should try and ever prevent a father/child relationship.
And yes, the child should come first, always. However, that won't stop the father having a life of his own or being a good partner, and quite frankly, if you are still interested in Ben, then I would say just give it a go. Think about what all this says about him as a person - he didn't want a baby, but he's willing to stand by an ex, who is having his child. He sounds like a decent guy - how many guys out there do you think would stand by this girl and this baby in a simular situation?
Besides, if you don't give it a go with his, will you always wonder, and later regret it? Possibly. If it doesn't work out, you can always break up, but you might not be able to get him back if you say no now, and he finds someone else. If you're really not sure, then just take it slowly and don't rush things.
At the very least, I think you should remain good friends with him, and be supportive of his situation, because he's going to need his friends now.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
I agree with sexygem69 but I also think you need to talk to him about it. If you decide to go out with him, you need to make it perfectly clear to him that you love him and can understand why he lied the first time but that you would rather he told you next time around. ie if he feels any iota of feeling towards his ex then he must tell you because it simply isnt fair on you. If he thinks he will not manage this then maybe it would be for the best to just be friends until the situation becomes clear and he has proven himself a little more.
Kill_More_Foxes
I agree with sexygem69 but I also think you need to talk to him about it. If you decide to go out with him, you need to make it perfectly clear to him that you love him and can understand why he lied the first time but that you would rather he told you next time around. ie if he feels any iota of feeling towards his ex then he must tell you because it simply isnt fair on you. If he thinks he will not manage this then maybe it would be for the best to just be friends until the situation becomes clear and he has proven himself a little more.
Yeah, he just rang me and said he has literally fallen in love with his baby and wants to be with her ALL THE TIME - how cute
He's gonna non-stop be with her now, i understand that and i'll be there for him, as a friend, if he needs me.
This is a major time in his life right now and i need to take a step back and leave it to him i think.
Anonymous
Yeah, he just rang me and said he has literally fallen in love with his baby and wants to be with her ALL THE TIME - how cute
He's gonna non-stop be with her now, i understand that and i'll be there for him, as a friend, if he needs me.
This is a major time in his life right now and i need to take a step back and leave it to him i think.
He's gonna non-stop be with her now, i understand that and i'll be there for him, as a friend, if he needs me.
This is a major time in his life right now and i need to take a step back and leave it to him i think.
It sounds like you've pretty much made your mind up - just make sure you don't regret taking that step back. If you were/are to get involved, being there as a couple from the begining might be the best way to go, rather than you trying to fit into their established relationships later - at least in the begining you might be able to have some infulence/say on things.
Although, taking this step back might give you a better perspective on the whole situation, so who knows, that might be a good decision, if you feel you can let go enough to do that?
Glad to hear things are going well with the baby.
A splitting condom is totally my worst nightmare.
Aetheria
If you work things through, you might realise that Ben was a substitute for a boyfriend who wasn't there for you. Good luck either way 
Thanks for the really good advice. What do you mean by that bit though?
Haven't seen him since he told me, and i doubt i will for a while, will i? He'll be so busy.... Life eh
Anyone else got any advice?
Lala18
His attachment to the other girl will be for 18 years or more because they have a baby together, frankly I couldn't have my boyfriend be so attached to his ex for all that time and it would involve a lot of contact because they would have something WAY more special than what you have with him (the baby). I think I would be a little bit jealous; if I could avoid that relationship I definitely would as things will probably only get more complexed. However, if you think you could deal with him being attached to another girl then I don't see what the problem would be (I hope you understand what I am trying to say)
by brother had a baby with someone who he split up with soon after, and fleur is now 6. my bro has been in a relationship for about a year i think, maybe just over.
to begin with, they both looked after fleur, they split pretty soon tho.fleur was with the mother until she wanted to go to uni, and threatened to give her up for adoption! (what a ****ing bitch). so my bro had fleur for a few years, until the mother finished with uni and decided she wanted to look after fleur again. (my bro has her at weekends)
anyhow, the point is even tho they are still connected with each other, i think you blew it way out of proportion. there is certainly no way you would have this constant "ex girlfriend" scenario for 18 years.
Anonymous
no way you would have this constant "ex girlfriend" scenario for 18 years.
You would if she still wanted to be with him, which she does! Shes the mother of their very special baby, thats something i'll never be able to match
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