The Student Room Group

Am I right to feel weary or is my friend just naturally VERY nice & am I just b*tchy?

OK here's the story. Apologies for length.
At the start of last term I joined my church choir. I thought it would be a good way to make friends outside my subject/Hall etc. It's was a small chamber choir type thing - when I first joined it was a bit of a shock - they were mainly Grad students/3rd yrs and I was the only first year. Everyone was exceptionally posh (guys often in suits for practices etc :eek: ) (They turned to be really fun people so that's OK now. ) :smile: Anyhoo, at first I felt quite lost, however, there was one girl who was really nice to me from day 1. From the start she complemented me about EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME from my clothes, to my hair, to my voice - which then was nice, and because my self-esteem is often low - made me feel happy. However, after 8 weeks it's me feel a little awkward. I think she sort of decided she would become my 'best friend' from choir, and soon after we met she kept asking me out to dinner/theatre etc. I went a few times and would have probably gone more if it wasn't for the fact that she was a right BORE and again far TOO 'good' for my liking, so in the end just kept making excuses. I try to be a nice person myself, but any girl knows that the occasional gossip/bitch with your girl mates :biggrin: is fun! But I could never do this with her. She's a recent convert to Catholicism and I don't know if she's just trying to live her faith or something, but she NEVER speaks ill even of people who should be spoken ill off. Also she sticks to me like glue, every time I go out with the general music group, she sticks to me all the time, which makes it hard to chat with the other (normal) people. Also another odd thing, she's been with the group for well over 18 months now, but barely knows the name of anyone??!! And the people she says are her best friends there hardly chat that much with her. (They're not horrible people though, just quite fun! ... :confused: Also all her friends, judging by her email list, are girls and she never chats (beyond saying hi) to guys EVER - we're not talking flirt - just chat. BUT then, on one of the occasions that we went out and this weirdo old waiter came up to her and started flirting madly with her - she didn't tell him to shove off but rather kept the conversation going - she didn't flirt - but didn't exactly make it obvious she wasn't interested either. :confused: And on the one occasion I said, something like 'oh isn't so and so SO good-looking' she just looked at me funny and gave me a really scandalised look... Dealing with her has really become like deaing with a great aunt. She's 22 but has the deamoner of a 40 yr old. At the end of term she sent me a card telling me what a wonderful person I was etc - OK I know the sentiment was nice, but I had probably only seen her/been out with her a total of 12 tmes through term, and the majority of them being with other people - she doesn't know very much about me to sya I'm wonderful...

And there are other things that make me sceptical about her. She always makes allusions to the fact she is fairly poor - but everytime I see her, she's always dressed in stuff that you can tell comes from really expensive high street fashion boutiques. My mother who has met her agrees. She's not you're normal female student who goes to Topshop/H&M/New Look etc lol. Also, she completed her degree from Oxbridge last June, but now WANTS to get some crap minimum wage job helping old people. OK, I understand its nice to take time out etc and do charity work like taht - but having it as your CAREER CHOICE??? I don't see the point... Problem though is that my mum met her and now loves her to bits and keeps going on about how lovely etc she is - but I'm just getting really weary and want to stay aloof.

Bottom line, is it just the case that she is a VERY nice albeit odd person and that I am a right b*tch or would you get a little weary if you were in my position? If so, any ideas on how I could stay aloof?

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I don't know about weary but we all know you can't be friends with everyone and some people you just don't "click" with. Can't you make it so you only see her at choir practice (and are always miraculously busy when she asks to see you outside of it)? It sounds like she could be quite lonely herself and latched on to you because you were new so I wouldn't make a big scene about it but hopefully after a while she will just get the hint. The apparent telling lies about clothes, friends etc could be to get you to like her in some bizarre way or maybe add to her "suffering for the goodwill of others" routine.
Reply 2
Yeah, it's just I don't want to hurt her feelings either. :frown: :frown: I'm by no means Miss Popular - but it just seems I'm so different to her that I can't envision ever becoming her 'best' friend or anything.
Reply 3
And another thing. I'm at Cambridge Uni and see seems to have been very chummy with the staff ie lecturers/Fellows :eek: She's baby-sat their little kids and everything. :eek: So i wonder is she just VERY NICE, and these people all love her, and am I just being horrid?
Reply 4
I'd say she's either atracted to you (i.e. she's a lesbian) or she's very lonely and really likes you and seen as you could be her only friend, devotes a little too much time to your friendship.
She can be very nice and you not want to be friends with her without you being a bitch you know:biggrin: Don't be too hard on yourself.
Reply 6
I think she is a little insecure, that is why she is so "nice". Perhaps she feels she has to be overly nice in order to have friends. At the same time, some people just don't ever talk badly of others. I have a friend also that won't utter one word against anybody else, and it should be respected. In your mind it probably isn't normal, but sometimes you do get people like this!

Her conversion to catholicism is important, she is trying to stick to it and help others, though I'd say she is a bit over the top. Just because she has an Oxbridge degree doesn't mean she would want to necessarily earn the big bucks, some people get real satisfaction out of others. It does seem like she is swinging the other way though!

I don't think you're being bitchy, I just think you feel a bit uncomfortable, when somebody constantly compliments you or sticks to you it makes us naturally suspicious; do they have an ulterior motive?:rolleyes: I think you should perhaps make a few excuses if you realy feel uncomfortable, just because somebody is overly nice to you doesn't mean you have to succumb to everything they want to do. Why not suggest you are busy with your work and can only meet her at the choir?

Gemx
Reply 7
hugatree
I'd say she's either atracted to you (i.e. she's a lesbian) or she's very lonely and really likes you and seen as you could be her only friend, devotes a little too much time to your friendship.

:eek: :eek:
She's just converted to CATHOLICISM - I doubt it, thankfully.
Reply 8
minimo
:eek: :eek:
She's just converted to CATHOLICISM - I doubt it, thankfully.
What's that got to do with it? :confused: Every time I see sth about catholicism on TSR it's like some extreme cult. Must be really different from Belgian catholics. Anyways, different thread material.

It certainly would explain the odd look she gave you when you said that person looked hot.
Reply 9
UnfinishedSympathy
Her conversion to catholicism is important, she is trying to stick to it and help others, though I'd say she is a bit over the top. Just because she has an Oxbridge degree doesn't mean she would want to necessarily earn the big bucks, some people get real satisfaction out of others. It does seem like she is swinging the other way though!

I understand that - I have no intention of becoming some high-flying cutthroatinvestment banker myself - but there's a difference between getting a job in teaching, say, and Meals on Wheels...
Reply 10
hugatree
What's that got to do with it? :confused: Every time I see sth about catholicism on TSR it's like some extreme cult. Must be really different from Belgian catholics. Anyways, different thread material.

It certainly would explain the odd look she gave you when you said that person looked hot.

Noooo, I have nothing against gays! :smile: Just would seem odd converting to a religion that is generally opposed to the idea if you in fact are gay...if you see what I mean.
Saying that she did go to an all-girls college from choice (New Hall if anyone knows anything about Cambridge - and literally NO-ONE applies there). :frown:
What's that got to do with it? Every time I see sth about catholicism on TSR it's like some extreme cult. Must be really different from Belgian catholics. Anyways, different thread material.


Are you serious? Catholics are strongly against homosexuality.
Reply 12
minimo
Noooo, I have nothing against gays! :smile: Just would seem odd converting to a religion that is generally opposed to the idea if you in fact are gay...if you see what I mean.
Saying that she did go to an all-girls college from choice (New Hall if anyone knows anything about Cambridge - and literally NO-ONE applies there). :frown:
I never said you were against gays. :wink: And a lot of religions are against homosexuality so I think the catholicism thing is just a coincidence.

Hehe, see.. :biggrin: Maybe she doesn't even know it herself yet.
Reply 13
The Catholic CHURCH. I'm Catholic, yes I practice, but have no problem with them. You can't dislike someone for who they are...it's the equvalent of being racist IMO.
Reply 14
IzzyWizzy
Are you serious? Catholics are strongly against homosexuality.
I'm a catholic myself, as are 90% or so of the Belgians, and hardly anyone is against homosexuality. It's 2006 after all. Just because the pope and some other old people are against it doesn't mean we should all be extremists.
Again though, maybe it's different in England. Over here, there's hardly even a difference between cath. and protestants (my mum's a protestant and says it's different than it is in Germany as well, so it makes sense).
Reply 15
minimo
The Catholic CHURCH. I'm Catholic, yes I practice, but have no problem with them. You can't dislike someone for who they are...it's the equvalent of being racist IMO.
Indeed. :smile:
I'm a catholic myself, as are 90% or so of the Belgians, and hardly anyone is against homosexuality. It's 2006 after all. Just because the pope and some other old people are against it doesn't mean we should all be extremists.
Again though, maybe it's different in England. Over here, there's hardly even a difference between cath. and protestants (my mum's a protestant and says it's different than it is in Germany as well, so it makes sense).


Well it's pretty clear this girl DOES take it very seriously. Being a Catholic and condoning homosexuality, strictly speaking, is contradictory. These are not my views but I know many religious Catholic people and none of them agree with homosexuality. That doesn't mean they go around telling everyone or burning gay clubs but they definitely wouldn't have a gay relationship.
Reply 17
Hi guys,
Sorry to bump up this thread, but I'm feeling a tad bit weird/embarrassed now. Since I last posted, she's emailed me a couple of times and sent e-cards. The messages are in the region of 200-250 words ish and I kid you not she has mentioned the word 'God' about a million times (about 15 times per email). EVERYTHING she has written just follows that 'I'm suffering for the betterment of others' mantra. She mentioned being sick for instance but the fact that it was 'OK because God had planned things for her and she was just fulfilling His wish' etc etc ad nauseum. I replied one of the emails saying I was revising lots and so didn't have time to check my email in the hope she'd lay off a bit. She replied that 'you're an example to others and emember that you're all your hard work is designed to please God (I never knew that :rolleyes: )' ...you get the picture. I replied to her previous emails in about 25-30 words, just for the sake of being ploite. Also, what's slightly starting to bug me is that say she knows I'm going somewhere she'll automatically wait for me at the end of the street where I live (I'm at home now - this refers to when I'm at uni). It's a bit odd, because I hardly know her that well...eg once I decided to go to practice about 20 mins early coz I had to sort out something on the way and she was waiting for me...that means she got there extra early just to wait for me?! (And this happened pretty early on - when she was no more than an aquainatance...

I suppose I'm partly to blame for the way she acts. We texted all the time at the start, before she started to bug me. I remember telling her how much we had in common because she didnt like clubbing etc and neither do I. Obviously, I realise now this was due to different reasons - I don't like clausterphobic/smoky places with loud music - she probably thinks it's sinful. etc.

I really want to get her off my back - but whatever I do, even if I were to pass hints, she'd just sit there all demure and smile at me as she does. Grr. I'm starting to think that I should do something really drastically 'sinful' in front of her (preferably which involves men and alcohol) :p: /tell her that I'm an atheist (which I most certainly am not - but it'd shut her up)...tell her I approve of gay marriage...ANYTHING...I just don't get her, I have other friends who, like me, are decent Christians and go to church etc, but they don't blab religion/talk about how much they love God 24/7. AAAAAAARGHHHHH...
Reply 18
aaw i think she sounds kinda sweet and you are being a tad harsh. i mean, sure it must be annoying having her practically worshipping you but you've got to admire her for sticking so strongly with her beliefs.

i think she sounds harmless, albeit rather annoying...and i may be completely wrong but is it possible you're slightly jealous of her?
Reply 19
No, I amn't, why?! :confusd: