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Annoying Brother
Hi there,
I have started this thread because i have ran out of idea/strategies with coping with my brother. Now usually my relationship is very good with him but it is his arrogant and cocky attitude towards our parents that is really starting to annoy me. He treats them like dirt, ignoring any advice they offer and always speaks in a condescending manner towards them. This has got my Mum, in particular, to get really upset with him. Which in turn makes me unhappy.
Take today for example. Now for the last few months my Mum has been telling him to get working experience for the Summer yet he has shown no desire to write/phone any companies asking for any vacancies. So my Mum has been phoning various companies (BHS and M&S) to get him a vacancy. She confronted him today sayiong that he's lazy etc... and gave him a good telling off yet all my brother replied was wry remarks such as 'Er no, shut up' or 'Wotever'. His cheekiness got to a point where my Mum just got up and slapped him around the face. His response: He just laughed in her face and said 'You'll have to slap harder to hurt me'. At which point my Mum just broke down in tears and he just casually walked off to his bedroom.
I decided enough was enough and confronted him in his bedroom. To which he just replied 'I cant be bothered to listen to your petty views.' Now i know there is no point shouting at him because it wont change his stubborn viewpoints and he'll just think he has gained the upperhand because i have lost my temper. Yet, speaking to him calmly doesn't do the trick either. I tried to play to his emotions by questioning whether he cares about upsetting his Mum. To which he replied 'Crying is a form of human weakness'.
I just gave up after that.
SO, does any1 have any ideas of approaching him to change his stubborness or do we just have to wait for his adolescent mind to mature naturally?
I have started this thread because i have ran out of idea/strategies with coping with my brother. Now usually my relationship is very good with him but it is his arrogant and cocky attitude towards our parents that is really starting to annoy me. He treats them like dirt, ignoring any advice they offer and always speaks in a condescending manner towards them. This has got my Mum, in particular, to get really upset with him. Which in turn makes me unhappy.
Take today for example. Now for the last few months my Mum has been telling him to get working experience for the Summer yet he has shown no desire to write/phone any companies asking for any vacancies. So my Mum has been phoning various companies (BHS and M&S) to get him a vacancy. She confronted him today sayiong that he's lazy etc... and gave him a good telling off yet all my brother replied was wry remarks such as 'Er no, shut up' or 'Wotever'. His cheekiness got to a point where my Mum just got up and slapped him around the face. His response: He just laughed in her face and said 'You'll have to slap harder to hurt me'. At which point my Mum just broke down in tears and he just casually walked off to his bedroom.
I decided enough was enough and confronted him in his bedroom. To which he just replied 'I cant be bothered to listen to your petty views.' Now i know there is no point shouting at him because it wont change his stubborn viewpoints and he'll just think he has gained the upperhand because i have lost my temper. Yet, speaking to him calmly doesn't do the trick either. I tried to play to his emotions by questioning whether he cares about upsetting his Mum. To which he replied 'Crying is a form of human weakness'.
I just gave up after that.
SO, does any1 have any ideas of approaching him to change his stubborness or do we just have to wait for his adolescent mind to mature naturally?
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If he's 18.... throw him out the house.
The thing is, if he dont wanna do work experience you can't make him. Ultimately he has to learn the consequences (if there even are any) for himself, he'll realise one day. It'sa learning curve, we're all on it, just that your bro is further down it. You said your mum is ringing companies up? why? if he doesn't want to do it, he won't bother. He provoked a response out of her, ergo he won. He's not bothered, he feels like he's the powerful one.
Ignore him, hard it may be - but he'll only realise that people care for him when you dont show it. (imo)
Ignore him, hard it may be - but he'll only realise that people care for him when you dont show it. (imo)
My Brother is 15. My Dad is still in the picture yet he has learnt to ignore my brother's cheekiness. The times he does get angry with my brother he shouts at him and my brother just ignores him by putting on headphones. Threats of being 'grounded' do not phase my brother at all.
erk- My Mum rang the companies because she cares for him. Although i can see your point that he has to learn the consequences, she has very good relations with the school he goes to (ie friends with a few of the teacher). So she would find it embarrassing if he doesn't get work experience. Thus, it is her love for my brother as well as maintaining a good reputation with her friends that she tries to help him out.
With respect to his attitude to other family and friends he is still very cocky and arrogant (as are out alot of his friends). Academically he is very clever and i think this has to do with his personality, that is, he thinks he is right all the time. For example, he loves astrophysics and he was talkin to me about it the other day (trying to be a smartarse) and i corrected him on something (to do with the laws of infinity) yet he plainy said i was wrong. So, i went on newscientist.com and one of their webpages confirmed i was right. I showed him the webpage and instead of apologising he said they were wrong. I really have given up with him.
erk- My Mum rang the companies because she cares for him. Although i can see your point that he has to learn the consequences, she has very good relations with the school he goes to (ie friends with a few of the teacher). So she would find it embarrassing if he doesn't get work experience. Thus, it is her love for my brother as well as maintaining a good reputation with her friends that she tries to help him out.
With respect to his attitude to other family and friends he is still very cocky and arrogant (as are out alot of his friends). Academically he is very clever and i think this has to do with his personality, that is, he thinks he is right all the time. For example, he loves astrophysics and he was talkin to me about it the other day (trying to be a smartarse) and i corrected him on something (to do with the laws of infinity) yet he plainy said i was wrong. So, i went on newscientist.com and one of their webpages confirmed i was right. I showed him the webpage and instead of apologising he said they were wrong. I really have given up with him.
Haha! Sounds exactly like me a few years ago. Trust me there is nothing you can do, the only way is to let him be a **** and screw things up for himself, he'l learn a lot and probably appreciate his family a lot more when he's older. It's just teenage rebellion, just ignore it - your mum should learn not to take it to heart and ignore him too, soon he won't get such a kick out of rebelling against her and get bored of it.
If i kicked him in the nuts it will only reinforce his attitude as he'll seem himself as the winner of the argument because i had to rely on physical violence to challenge him.
lummox-At first i thought this was just a normal teenage rebellion but it is just shocking the way he shows no respect to the family.
The one idea i had pondered is writing a letter to him from my mum, dad and I and leaving it in his bedroom. The subject matter would be something like 'How we all love him, but how sad it makes us when he treats us like dirt'. Hopefully that might cause him to think what he has being doing to us all. what do y'all think of that?
lummox-At first i thought this was just a normal teenage rebellion but it is just shocking the way he shows no respect to the family.
The one idea i had pondered is writing a letter to him from my mum, dad and I and leaving it in his bedroom. The subject matter would be something like 'How we all love him, but how sad it makes us when he treats us like dirt'. Hopefully that might cause him to think what he has being doing to us all. what do y'all think of that?
Is he studying GCSEs then? If he's planning to do A-levels... get off his back, he's being productive. If he isn't... start charging rent... stop pocket money to pay, or confiscate his stuff.
He's doing his GCSE's and he got an 'A' for AS Level Maths which is pretty good going for a 15 yr old. However, intelligence is no reason to be so wicked to your family whether it is intentional or not. Likewise, families should not accept such bad treatment just because the giver is clever
He may want attention, try spending a lttle time with him, and incourage your parents to do the same.
I think the letter is a good idea
i would say get some kind of councelling but from what youve described i really doubt that he would go. do your parents stick to punishments such as grounding once they have imposed them or do they just say your grounded then let him out anyway, in this case he would have learnt that he can get away with it all.
Your parents need to have a serious talk about how to deal with his unacceptable behavior. they need to work out a system of how to punish him and both stick to it. you could try and ring up super nanny and see what she says about it or find someone similar to super nanny who could come in and see whats going wrong.
this attitude is a serious problem and is probably caused by influence outside the family such as his friends. he is probably very insecure and is using this suposed attitude to seem hard and tough when really he is just a 15 year old going through puberty and is really confused about everything.
you need to make sure that your mother does not seem weak in front of him eg bursting into tears infront of him. she must stay strong when she is infront of him and make it seem that he is not upsetting her.
you could try a different approach to violence and shouting. your whole family could just ignore him when he is being arrogant and cocky then when he is nice you pay him attention and talk to him normally, as soon as he says something mean blank him etc.
Your parents need to have a serious talk about how to deal with his unacceptable behavior. they need to work out a system of how to punish him and both stick to it. you could try and ring up super nanny and see what she says about it or find someone similar to super nanny who could come in and see whats going wrong.
this attitude is a serious problem and is probably caused by influence outside the family such as his friends. he is probably very insecure and is using this suposed attitude to seem hard and tough when really he is just a 15 year old going through puberty and is really confused about everything.
you need to make sure that your mother does not seem weak in front of him eg bursting into tears infront of him. she must stay strong when she is infront of him and make it seem that he is not upsetting her.
you could try a different approach to violence and shouting. your whole family could just ignore him when he is being arrogant and cocky then when he is nice you pay him attention and talk to him normally, as soon as he says something mean blank him etc.
He's not attention seeking at all, in fact very much the opposite. As a family i think we do spend more time with each other than other families.
My brother (also 15), is a little bugger sometimes....well always at the moment...He won't do any work, doesn't really care either, but Its *definately* a phase....when he doesn't get his own way, he swears at and thretens everyone in my house and gets really cocky, then ends up crying!!??etc etc, he just needs to grow up a bit I guess! Hes threatened with no computer, grounded etc, he really couldn't give less of a crap!
What usually works, if he says something nasty, either completely ignore him, or just totally sarcastically agree with him.
He's just trying to get at you, and so far its working...so dont let him - just laugh at him rather than the other way round!
What usually works, if he says something nasty, either completely ignore him, or just totally sarcastically agree with him.
He's just trying to get at you, and so far its working...so dont let him - just laugh at him rather than the other way round!
phantom- thanks for the advice. I don't think he would see a counsellor/super nanny unfotunateley. As regards to punishment, i think my brother sees it as a challenge to appear unfazed by being grounded/ pocket money taken away.
The idea of ignoring him would not work either because he doesnt have problems with us, it is us that has the problems with him. For example, my mum would ask him to clear up the mess he made in the kitchen and he'd either say 'no' or say it wasn't him. If we just ignored him then he would get away with it. If we shout at him, he ignores it and believes he has won the argument. If we try and calmly talk to him, he just says 'Yeh, woteva' and goes to his room.
The idea of ignoring him would not work either because he doesnt have problems with us, it is us that has the problems with him. For example, my mum would ask him to clear up the mess he made in the kitchen and he'd either say 'no' or say it wasn't him. If we just ignored him then he would get away with it. If we shout at him, he ignores it and believes he has won the argument. If we try and calmly talk to him, he just says 'Yeh, woteva' and goes to his room.
Ignoring him seems an appropriate punishment - if everyone disregards what he says, ignores his idiotic remarks, never talks to him, he will realise the error of his behaviour, as he will see what negative reactions he provokes. It seems a rebellious adolescent phase, especially at 15, and it is likely he will mature, the best course of action would be to reassure your mother that she ought not to take his comments to heart. Not everyone goes through it, but my sister was similar at that age, and she would say things that would be particularly hurtful, such as "you're fat and you won't find anyone" (to my mum who is divorced and single), but she is far from that now. However, if you are more concerned, perhaps another "method" could be to say to him something similar to what you are saying to us, and harsh, but firm, although, personally I would be more harsh because I can't stand people that way. I would say something like "Your destructive attitude really is pathetic, you don't bring anything but grief, if you carry on this way, you'll end up sad and alone", or "excuse me? Who do you think you're talking to? Get out of my sight". You might not want to be as harsh, but my point would be to probe his behaviour and see how he will gain nothing from it.
how long has this behaviour been going on for? when did it get noticably worse? for example my brother was getting bullied at school and his behavior got appalling he would swear and shout at everyone telling them to ''**** off'' calling my mum a ''stupid bitch''. simply because he was been made miserable by cowardly little ***** that are now in my school and are so scared of me they wouldnt dare lay a finger on him. as soon as he was taken away from the bullies he was fine, good mannered etc.
it could be that his friends are suposed ''yobs'' and are influencing this bad behaviour sadly there is no way you can separate him from them bar locking him in the basement until hes 18 when you can safely chuck him out.
this whole arrogance is obviously an act, like a mask he puts on to hide his true feelings and personality. you need to find a way of getting rid of this screen that he uses, im no expert so i dont really know how to start but perhaps you could research some kind of helpline and get your parents to ring it for advice.
as soon as he was taken away from the bullies he was fine, good mannered etc. it could be that his friends are suposed ''yobs'' and are influencing this bad behaviour sadly there is no way you can separate him from them bar locking him in the basement until hes 18 when you can safely chuck him out.
this whole arrogance is obviously an act, like a mask he puts on to hide his true feelings and personality. you need to find a way of getting rid of this screen that he uses, im no expert so i dont really know how to start but perhaps you could research some kind of helpline and get your parents to ring it for advice.
this whole arrogance is obviously an act, like a mask he puts on to hide his true feelings and personality. you need to find a way of getting rid of this screen that he uses, im no expert so i dont really know how to start but perhaps you could research some kind of helpline and get your parents to ring it for advice.
Yes, I definitely know people who have that type of "power complex" - who like to have the upper hand, and want everyone else to know they do, but are essentially insecure in having to constantly reinstate it. Since such an attitude relies on how other people perceive him, an attitude of nonchalance or ignorance to his assertions might negate "the mask".
Its been going on for atleast two years. Its since the summer that he has been really causing problems. I don't think he is getting bullied as i go to the same school as him and he appears to be gettin on fine-socially and academically. I totally agree that the arrogance is definitely an act to overcome embarrssment to create a false sense of security but now it i need to know how to get him to take off the mask.
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