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Caring for a freind too much...
Right, im male..and have a freind ive known literally all of my life.
this freind is great and everything..but sometimes does stupid things (like when drunk) such as always seems to manage to almost get into a fight etc.
the problem is: I care about him too much and actually get paranoid about making sure he's ok...
like if im at uni and he's still at home I worry quite a lot of the time about whether someones beat him up, or he's got drunk and done something stupid.
another thing was he tried to commit suicide once, about a year ago (when drunk, it wasnt a pre-planned thing as such, just a collection of things that were upsetting him made him take some pills) so I worry if he'd do something which he addmited himself was completely stupid.
I dont want the above to make my freind sound like a total mental case, because he is a really great mate and is great to be around.
I just don't know how to stop "fretting" and worrying so much, its getting to the stage where its getting me all stressed and worked up. I just need to learn that if something happens to him its his fault..not my fault for him doing something stupid.
is anyone else in a similar situation? and what should I do. I dont want to loose this freind, but have wondered whether its best just talking to him less (and therefore not hearing what stupid things he has done) or just cutting him out completely.
this freind is great and everything..but sometimes does stupid things (like when drunk) such as always seems to manage to almost get into a fight etc.
the problem is: I care about him too much and actually get paranoid about making sure he's ok...
like if im at uni and he's still at home I worry quite a lot of the time about whether someones beat him up, or he's got drunk and done something stupid.
another thing was he tried to commit suicide once, about a year ago (when drunk, it wasnt a pre-planned thing as such, just a collection of things that were upsetting him made him take some pills) so I worry if he'd do something which he addmited himself was completely stupid.
I dont want the above to make my freind sound like a total mental case, because he is a really great mate and is great to be around.
I just don't know how to stop "fretting" and worrying so much, its getting to the stage where its getting me all stressed and worked up. I just need to learn that if something happens to him its his fault..not my fault for him doing something stupid.
is anyone else in a similar situation? and what should I do. I dont want to loose this freind, but have wondered whether its best just talking to him less (and therefore not hearing what stupid things he has done) or just cutting him out completely.
I honestly don't think that you can care for a friend too much. You can worry about them too much, but there is a difference between the two things.
Anyway, unhelpful as it is, I think you are right in saying that do need to find some way to stop worrying about him and realise that he is responsible for his own actions. I'm not quite sure how to do that though??
Can you talk to this guy? That's what I'd do if I were you, sit down, have a proper talk with him, tell him that his behaviour is concerning you, and try to find out what the underlying cause of the behaviour may actually be? Just drinking too much? Attention seeking? Just being silly?
Point out how dangerous and unproductive his behaviour is, and try to encourage him to be more sensible. Maybe you could get another friend to back you up with this conversation if you don't want to do it alone, but whatever you do DON'T make it look like you are ganging up on him... Just remember you can't get across your concerns without communicating with this guy.
Hope this maybe of some help. Good luck.
Anyway, unhelpful as it is, I think you are right in saying that do need to find some way to stop worrying about him and realise that he is responsible for his own actions. I'm not quite sure how to do that though??
Can you talk to this guy? That's what I'd do if I were you, sit down, have a proper talk with him, tell him that his behaviour is concerning you, and try to find out what the underlying cause of the behaviour may actually be? Just drinking too much? Attention seeking? Just being silly?
Point out how dangerous and unproductive his behaviour is, and try to encourage him to be more sensible. Maybe you could get another friend to back you up with this conversation if you don't want to do it alone, but whatever you do DON'T make it look like you are ganging up on him... Just remember you can't get across your concerns without communicating with this guy.
Hope this maybe of some help. Good luck.
andy_c
I honestly don't think that you can care for a friend too much. You can worry about them too much, but there is a difference between the two things.
Anyway, unhelpful as it is, I think you are right in saying that do need to find some way to stop worrying about him and realise that he is responsible for his own actions. I'm not quite sure how to do that though??
Can you talk to this guy? That's what I'd do if I were you, sit down, have a proper talk with him, tell him that his behaviour is concerning you, and try to find out what the underlying cause of the behaviour may actually be? Just drinking too much? Attention seeking? Just being silly?
Point out how dangerous and unproductive his behaviour is, and try to encourage him to be more sensible. Maybe you could get another friend to back you up with this conversation if you don't want to do it alone, but whatever you do DON'T make it look like you are ganging up on him... Just remember you can't get across your concerns without communicating with this guy.
Hope this maybe of some help. Good luck.
Anyway, unhelpful as it is, I think you are right in saying that do need to find some way to stop worrying about him and realise that he is responsible for his own actions. I'm not quite sure how to do that though??
Can you talk to this guy? That's what I'd do if I were you, sit down, have a proper talk with him, tell him that his behaviour is concerning you, and try to find out what the underlying cause of the behaviour may actually be? Just drinking too much? Attention seeking? Just being silly?
Point out how dangerous and unproductive his behaviour is, and try to encourage him to be more sensible. Maybe you could get another friend to back you up with this conversation if you don't want to do it alone, but whatever you do DON'T make it look like you are ganging up on him... Just remember you can't get across your concerns without communicating with this guy.
Hope this maybe of some help. Good luck.
I think that is a large part of the problem, he is quite immature..but I like that on a day to day basis...ie when we are having a laugh. But when drinking he can be a right tit at times.
Its just hard not to care, i dont like seeing my freinds in trouble...but maybe thats why he does it (to get some attention of me)
I'll probably just have a conversation with him.
thanks for the advice, ill rep you when I next can.
anyone elses opinion will be helpful as well though..this situation needs sorting.
I'm in the same situation as you are. I've also got a male friend like yours, he's really good fun to talk to and all, but right now in school he is doing absolutely no work at all. I'm really worried how he will do in his summer exams for his A-levels, as I sit beside him in most classes I don't want to regret in the future that I didn't help him enough. I really want the best for him for his future like everyday I make him promise that he will catch up with his work and he always says he will do his best etc.... ahhh it's just doing my head in that there's about 4 weeks left of school till study leave and that I might not see him again (we don't hang out outside of school) but inside school we are very good friends. One day I just said I give up on him and he just said that's fine....ahhh anything I can actually do to get him motivated to work? 
Anonymous
I'm in the same situation as you are. I've also got a male friend like yours, he's really good fun to talk to and all, but right now in school he is doing absolutely no work at all. I'm really worried how he will do in his summer exams for his A-levels, as I sit beside him in most classes I don't want to regret in the future that I didn't help him enough. I really want the best for him for his future like everyday I make him promise that he will catch up with his work and he always says he will do his best etc.... ahhh it's just doing my head in that there's about 4 weeks left of school till study leave and that I might not see him again (we don't hang out outside of school) but inside school we are very good friends. One day I just said I give up on him and he just said that's fine....ahhh anything I can actually do to get him motivated to work?
that was exactly my/our situation a year ago!!
but thankfully after getting like U's in his january exams, he got his lazy arse motivated and got some good grades...but yet again on that january results day i was the one having to deal with him and talk to him
so im not sure how you can motivate someone, I suppose in some ways my freind was lucky he did badly in the january, so could re-sit in June...otherwise it would have messed everything up for him.
we are at uni now (seperate uni's) but im in a similar situation (i think) to you...ie he's a great freind and i dont want to loose him, but then i sit thinking is all this worrying and stress really worth it?
so no-one else has any advice then?
it's a really important issue for more..over 100 have posted, surely someone else has some advice to give.
note im different to the other anonymous poster who said "bump" before anyone thinks im excessivly bumping my thread!
it's a really important issue for more..over 100 have posted, surely someone else has some advice to give.
note im different to the other anonymous poster who said "bump" before anyone thinks im excessivly bumping my thread!
I care about a friend too much too. Although it's possibly because I fancy/fancied him (dont know), and it's horrible because I hate caring excessively about people, when they dont care back (although Im sure your friend does!
I can only think of spending less time with them, to make it easier, although in theory you cant care for a friend too much. However, in practise, it can severly affect your life too, and i dont like being so dependent.
Definately try talking to him, and let him know how you feel. Maybe he doesnt know atm and if he cares back, it'll make him think about his actions more so he doesnt hurt you.
I can only think of spending less time with them, to make it easier, although in theory you cant care for a friend too much. However, in practise, it can severly affect your life too, and i dont like being so dependent.
Definately try talking to him, and let him know how you feel. Maybe he doesnt know atm and if he cares back, it'll make him think about his actions more so he doesnt hurt you.
I totally understand what you're going through, but there has to be a limit. One day, you will have to put your foot down and leave him to sort out his own mess. The more you care for him and clean up after him, the less likely he'll be able to do it in the future. In an extreme future, you could become his emotional crutch, and I guarantee you, it'll do him no good at all.
I think you should talk to him and make him understand that the things he does won't make him any good. The main problem is drinking, as I can see, so I would really consider talking to him and trying him to drink less. Tell him how bad alcohol can be and if you've got more friends together, tell them too and amongst all of you get him out of there. It's completely normal that you worry about what could happen to him if you've always known him, you must think he's a member of your family so I understand that one. Please tell us how you feel after doing what you decide to do, good luck!
thanks for the advice everyone, sadly I cant rep you all...
ive spoken to him, and he's promised to improve his behaviour and said he appreciates how i feel etc...
so hopefully it will all be sorted now.
ive spoken to him, and he's promised to improve his behaviour and said he appreciates how i feel etc...
so hopefully it will all be sorted now.
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