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Bad friend? (Sorry v long)
Ok, just wanted a few thoughts on this, becuase as per usual I am feeling quite guilty about a situation, which may or may not be justified...
I'm a first year at Oxbridge on a course with a heavy workload, and it is pretty much fact that you have to use the holidays to consolidate and revise (we have exams in summer with practically no time to revise terms 1 and 2 beforehand so effectively have to do it now). My friend knows all this becuase I have explained it to her qutie a few times. In the Christmas holidays she wanted me to go swimming with her a few times a week, but I told her I wasn't able to becuase I needed the time to revise (to have an hour's swim would take up at least two hours since I don't live in town). For this I got called boring, pathetic and annoying. But as usual I put it down to her never thinking before she speaks. Back at uni she is always on MSN saying she is bored, if I try to tell her I'm working and would appreciate her not saying 'I'm bored' every five minutes, she just types in kjstliyglaerkmgn and all sorts of similar crap. I've also been told again I was annoying, that I'm forgetting my old life, I'm a bad friend and I'm too 'Oxbridgy' (she thinks the idea of Formal, gowns and rowing is stupid).
Anyways, back at home this holiday, once again I'm revising. And again she's asked me to go swimming with her. And I told her I can't. And yep you guessed it, I've been called all the same things again, but in addition been told I have no life. I've blocked her on MSN and really don't feel much inclined to speak to her at all. (I've blocked her before on MSN but felt too guilty after a day or two so unblocked her). Thing is she's always upsetting people by saying exaclty what she thinks and I usually stick up for her and fight her corner, but she's also let me down twice when I trusted her.
What I'm trying to say, am I justified in being so mad at her, or should I go back to feeling guilty becuase I'm a bad friend? Should I tell her why I'm so upset (have tried doing this before but she denied calling me those things and didn't seem to comprehend why) My mum says I should just ignore her becusae she's always done this and is always upsetting people,but she's not exactly unbiased. Am I being incredibly selfish for not going swimming with her? Am I just over-reacting? Gah....
(Am also rather worried she'll make my other friends gang up on me, even tho I know this is quite unlikely as they often get a bit fed up of her too..)
Any thoughts appreciated, thanks.
I'm a first year at Oxbridge on a course with a heavy workload, and it is pretty much fact that you have to use the holidays to consolidate and revise (we have exams in summer with practically no time to revise terms 1 and 2 beforehand so effectively have to do it now). My friend knows all this becuase I have explained it to her qutie a few times. In the Christmas holidays she wanted me to go swimming with her a few times a week, but I told her I wasn't able to becuase I needed the time to revise (to have an hour's swim would take up at least two hours since I don't live in town). For this I got called boring, pathetic and annoying. But as usual I put it down to her never thinking before she speaks. Back at uni she is always on MSN saying she is bored, if I try to tell her I'm working and would appreciate her not saying 'I'm bored' every five minutes, she just types in kjstliyglaerkmgn and all sorts of similar crap. I've also been told again I was annoying, that I'm forgetting my old life, I'm a bad friend and I'm too 'Oxbridgy' (she thinks the idea of Formal, gowns and rowing is stupid).
Anyways, back at home this holiday, once again I'm revising. And again she's asked me to go swimming with her. And I told her I can't. And yep you guessed it, I've been called all the same things again, but in addition been told I have no life. I've blocked her on MSN and really don't feel much inclined to speak to her at all. (I've blocked her before on MSN but felt too guilty after a day or two so unblocked her). Thing is she's always upsetting people by saying exaclty what she thinks and I usually stick up for her and fight her corner, but she's also let me down twice when I trusted her.
What I'm trying to say, am I justified in being so mad at her, or should I go back to feeling guilty becuase I'm a bad friend? Should I tell her why I'm so upset (have tried doing this before but she denied calling me those things and didn't seem to comprehend why) My mum says I should just ignore her becusae she's always done this and is always upsetting people,but she's not exactly unbiased. Am I being incredibly selfish for not going swimming with her? Am I just over-reacting? Gah....
(Am also rather worried she'll make my other friends gang up on me, even tho I know this is quite unlikely as they often get a bit fed up of her too..)Any thoughts appreciated, thanks.
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Reply 1
she's obviously not a really good friend, by the sounds of it. all she cares about is what she wants and when she wants it. she obviously doesn't care about whether you're studying really hard or not. I think you should just forget about her. your life can be made so much easier just by ignoring her. your studies are important to you, and are important to life. 
Reply 2
strawberry
she's obviously not a really good friend, by the sounds of it. all she cares about is what she wants and when she wants it. she obviously doesn't care about whether you're studying really hard or not. I think you should just forget about her. your life can be made so much easier just by ignoring her. your studies are important to you, and are important to life.
Thanks, deep down I suppose I kinda know all this, but when she says the same things over and over it does make you wonder...
my friend is in the exact same situation and has been revising all week, and i probably won't see her that much as she has to revise in the hols but revising is v. stressful especailly when your a medic so i just ring and chat to her as i usually would anyway. she does however understand that if she stays in all dfay then she's going to go insane! so she does come out with us in the evenings with us or at weekends just to make sure she doesn't over do it, none of us give her a hard time about it you only get one opertunity to do this and if she fails she gets kicked out. and she doesnt want her summer to be recked by having re takes.
doesnt sound like your friend is being very understanding. she's trying to bully you into seeing her
why dont you say to her: if your going to be mean like this why would i want to come out and see you anyway all you've done is say hurtful things
at the same time though it is important that you get out and don't get to run down as it can be bad for you, even if you just go out for a run
doesnt sound like your friend is being very understanding. she's trying to bully you into seeing her
why dont you say to her: if your going to be mean like this why would i want to come out and see you anyway all you've done is say hurtful things
at the same time though it is important that you get out and don't get to run down as it can be bad for you, even if you just go out for a run
Reply 4
How about you just go swimming one day? I mean really, it'll do you good apart from anything. I can understand where she is coming from; if you're friends and the holidays are the only time you can see her then you should make some effort. Obviously you can put work first, but would it really kill you to take two hours out of the day once or twice to see someone who is a good friend?
Reply 5
englishstudent
How about you just go swimming one day? I mean really, it'll do you good apart from anything. I can understand where she is coming from; if you're friends and the holidays are the only time you can see her then you should make some effort. Obviously you can put work first, but would it really kill you to take two hours out of the day once or twice to see someone who is a good friend?
You call a good friend somebody who says all those things to you and doesn't even think she's done anything wrong? Never had an apology either.
I know I do need to get out of the house occasionally, but there really is so much to do, I've barely got time to go over things once, let alone try questions etc. I am going out for my friend's birthday though.
Reply 6
Anonymous
You call a good friend somebody who says all those things to you and doesn't even think she's done anything wrong? Never had an apology either.
I know I do need to get out of the house occasionally, but there really is so much to do, I've barely got time to go over things once, let alone try questions etc. I am going out for my friend's birthday though.
I know I do need to get out of the house occasionally, but there really is so much to do, I've barely got time to go over things once, let alone try questions etc. I am going out for my friend's birthday though.
No, she shouldn't have said that, but I can see why she's frustrated. I don't know, it's up to you, but one 2 hour session isn't asking that much...
I think that your friend is out of line by saying all that stuff, so tell her that it upsets you. You have to be honest with your friends.
However, I think that you should make the time to see her, even if not swimming - maybe suggest something else, especially if the holidays are the only times you see her. After all you can't spend the WHOLE holiday doing revision, can you?
However, I think that you should make the time to see her, even if not swimming - maybe suggest something else, especially if the holidays are the only times you see her. After all you can't spend the WHOLE holiday doing revision, can you?
Reply 8
Although your friend sounds pretty mean and rude 
I can see where she's coming from.
Of course the lead up to exams can be stressful and it can sometimes feel that there aren't hours in the day but it is still essential that you do strike some kind of work/life balance. Two hours once a week doesn't sound too much of an effort to me, plus don't forget that a bit of excercise can often help you concentrate and thus in the long run may actually help you with your exams .
I want to clarify that I am in no way endorsing her rudeness towards you but this could simply be a symptom of her frustration over your apparent lack of interest towards her. I know that your course is intense and requires a lot of work but you sound like you're seriously stressed. Everybody wants to do well at university but you have to watch that you don't push things too far and suffer burn out It simply isn't healthy working 24-7
.
I can see where she's coming from. Of course the lead up to exams can be stressful and it can sometimes feel that there aren't hours in the day but it is still essential that you do strike some kind of work/life balance. Two hours once a week doesn't sound too much of an effort to me, plus don't forget that a bit of excercise can often help you concentrate and thus in the long run may actually help you with your exams
. I want to clarify that I am in no way endorsing her rudeness towards you but this could simply be a symptom of her frustration over your apparent lack of interest towards her. I know that your course is intense and requires a lot of work but you sound like you're seriously stressed. Everybody wants to do well at university but you have to watch that you don't push things too far and suffer burn out It simply isn't healthy working 24-7
.Reply 9
I agree she's being very inconsiderate if you need to revise. At the same time however, I can understand her side of the situation. It's hard to be good friends with someone if they refuse to take the time to see you. I just find it hard to believe that you couldn't take two hours out of your life to see her... I mean you've had time to post this on here and look at replies and stew over it, so couldn't you have spent that time with her? Even when you have a ton of revising to do, usually you need some sort of break to prevent yourself from going insane. Revising should indeed be a high priority in your life but so should your friends.
hmmmm. thats a tough situation because i can see your point of view but i can also see it from her point of view. i dont know you, and i dont know what your friends like, so i cant really comment...
but i think that maybe you should have a proper talk with this friend over the phone and reasure her that you still care, you still love her and she still means a lot to you (i dont know how close you are/were but im assuming you were quite close). and just explain to her that you wana see her too but at the mo revision is your priority. and make some kind of promise with her that yourl make up for it in the summer. like write a list of things your going to do together or something.
maybe your friend is just paraniod that shes going to loose you. the fact that she keeps annoying you shows how much you mean to her and how much she misses you.
hope it works out ok
Em xxxx
but i think that maybe you should have a proper talk with this friend over the phone and reasure her that you still care, you still love her and she still means a lot to you (i dont know how close you are/were but im assuming you were quite close). and just explain to her that you wana see her too but at the mo revision is your priority. and make some kind of promise with her that yourl make up for it in the summer. like write a list of things your going to do together or something.
maybe your friend is just paraniod that shes going to loose you. the fact that she keeps annoying you shows how much you mean to her and how much she misses you.
hope it works out ok
Em xxxx
By the sounds of it, you really need to stop revising. your in your first year? therefore it doesnt count towards your final mark and you only need 40% (apologise if this is different at oxbridge) to get on to the second year?! thats p.i.s.s!
Chill the hell out n go get hammered or whatever you enjoy doing, swimming or whatever and stop working so unecesarily hard!
Chill the hell out n go get hammered or whatever you enjoy doing, swimming or whatever and stop working so unecesarily hard!
I think your friend is a bit jealous that you are moving up in life. I think you could probably go swimming with her once or twice if you arrange it around your studies, but your studies are most important at this time in your life. Your friend sounds like a bit of a selfish cow to be honest. Do you truly still want to be her friend or is it just a force of habit? Make a little time for her and see if she improves, if she doesn't I'm sure you have lots more nicer, understanding friends!
Reply 13
Anonymous
Thanks, deep down I suppose I kinda know all this, but when she says the same things over and over it does make you wonder...
that's one of the tricks actually...just be a nag and say the same things over and over so that the other person will begin to "realize" that what you're saying is true and then go along with you. Emotional Blackmail I say
Reply 14
Why dont you conpramise and go out once a week with her. Have you thought about why she is so desparate for you to go out, perhaps she just wants a chat etc?
A friendship has to be about giving and taking, perhaps if you went once a week it would help her too.
A friendship has to be about giving and taking, perhaps if you went once a week it would help her too.
i' with anonymous number 2. occasional swim don't hurt - prolly mor ebenefical than going on tsr getting other people to explain that your decision to basically ignore her is the right one.
meh, sounds harsh i know. but basically i am in the same boat as you. i do maths at oxford and holiday time is fookin hard. i do my revision during the holidays because i spend all term trying just to understand it. currently i've nearly finished going over my first term's work and have about 3 weeks to do my second terms before exams. i'm still in the same routine i was in before i started uni though, except substitute lessons for trying to bodge some random proofs.
just compromise.
meh, sounds harsh i know. but basically i am in the same boat as you. i do maths at oxford and holiday time is fookin hard. i do my revision during the holidays because i spend all term trying just to understand it. currently i've nearly finished going over my first term's work and have about 3 weeks to do my second terms before exams. i'm still in the same routine i was in before i started uni though, except substitute lessons for trying to bodge some random proofs.
just compromise.
She sounds immature and bratty, but you don't sound like the best friend either, to be honest. I know what it's like to have loads of work, but you have to make time for other things. Saying you can't afford two hours out of an entire week is a downright lie. If it's true, I'd be very worried and reconsidering whether I was on the right course. It's not normal to work 24/7, no not even at Oxbridge. When I'm home for holidays my old friends call me and I still feel I should see them if I want to continue the friendship, even if I'm really busy or can't be bothered to go out. It isn't that much to ask. I find if I go out with them one night, or even just to the cinema or for lunch if I'm really busy, they stop nagging me about neglecting them. You should ask yourself if you really want to be friends with this girl because if you did, I think you could spare 2 hours for her.
Live a little, friendship and fun is more important than revising. I'm sure you could find a bit of time to spend with her, maybe ask her over to your house so you don't have to take time out to travel or whatnot? She should really respect your decisions though, but you're lucky to have a friend who cares enough that they are missing you.
Reply 18
look, you're being ridiculous. Your first year exams don't mean a thing at Oxbridge so just get over yourself and have some fun in the holidays. If you don't need a break after 8 weeks of study I would be more worried that you're not doing enough work in term rather than not enough in the holidays.
MB
MB
Reply 19
this is why i'm glad i get rejected from cambridge!
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