The Student Room Group

not a people person

I’ve got a few problems with people.

I’m quite a “standoffish” person, although I don’t mean to be. Within a large group people generally ask me if I’m all right because I don’t speak much. I’m not quiet because I don’t want to speak, or because I’m shy (most of the time I’m not shy), I just don’t actually know what to say.

This is quite bad when I spend time with one person, because it can get awkward. Maybe I’m just a boring person!

Within friendships or relationships I start feeling awkward if someone wants to spend quite a bit of time with me; I end up thinking that they are needy, or that they must be drunk or that no one else wants to be with them. I especially feel weird if someone asks me for emotional advice or if something very positive or negative has happened to them.

Within relationships if someone starts to seem like they are genuinely interested I start to go off them.
Reply 1
I find it better if there is a bigger group because if you run out of things to say to one person you go on to another (not that i need to do that with friends of mine, but more with people i dont know well)

You're right, i wouldnt be able to stand a right date, or a blind date or something, it'd be riddle with awkwardness.
Reply 2
I have this problem also. You are not alone!
Reply 3
Anonymous
I’ve got a few problems with people.



Well, if you're not a people person, then you're not a people person, that's all there is to it.

That said, merely posting about the problem, in fact, merely considering it a problem does rather suggest that you are, like the rest of mankind, naturally social; and that your lack of sociability is probably self-imposed. In my experience, people who find it hard to make small talk, for the sake of example, unless they're terribly concerned with weighty affairs, are generally not that interested in other people; to be more precise, they're usually fairly wrapped up in themselves. If that is you, and I'm not saying that is, perhaps you need to become a little less self-absorbed.
Reply 4
maybe everyone is this way but no one notices because everyone is "quiet" at different times
Reply 5
Try starting a conversation. It sounds easy, but I know it must seem really difficult for you, and I know that it can be nerve-racking and all the rest of it. But seriously, think what's the worst that can happen? You'll find it a better experience than you think.
Reply 6
svidrigailov
Well, if you're not a people person, then you're not a people person, that's all there is to it.

That said, merely posting about the problem, in fact, merely considering it a problem does rather suggest that you are, like the rest of mankind, naturally social; and that your lack of sociability is probably self-imposed. In my experience, people who find it hard to make small talk, for the sake of example, unless they're terribly concerned with weighty affairs, are generally not that interested in other people; to be more precise, they're usually fairly wrapped up in themselves. If that is you, and I'm not saying that is, perhaps you need to become a little less self-absorbed.


heh.

Well, when people talk to me I'm genuinely interested in what they say, I just wouldn't know how to respond. I love listening to people debate within groups, or listening to someone talk about their beliefs/interests/hobbies. It's just when it's time to respond I don't know what to say beyond "wow, that's really cool".

I didn't say I wasn't like the rest of mankind at all or that I'm worried in anyway about what people think (I'm not "shy", or "anxious"), just that I don't know what to say. In conversations I don't generally talk about myself, because I doubt that would be terribly interesting.

ah well, there goes anonymous.
Never mind about not being anon. It's not as though you've told us about what goes on in your love-life in intimate detail.

And I've got a similar problem, although it depends on who I'm talking to. Once I realise that the person I'm talking to likes to laugh, and likes his/her comedy, then I'm fine... but I hate it when people are so serious they don't smile at all, not even at the most obvious joke/jibe.

I joke everywhere... for example, I do kickboxing... I joke around during that - but I once had one sparring partner who looked like they didn't even know what a smile was. That was boring.
Reply 8
strange

I didn't say I wasn't like the rest of mankind at all or that I'm worried in anyway about what people think (I'm not "shy", or "anxious"), just that I don't know what to say. In conversations I don't generally talk about myself, because I doubt that would be terribly interesting.



Well, don't think I said you weren't or that you're worried about what people think; didn't even imply you're anxious. Maybe you're just rubbish at small talk. It's a skill like any other, and people these days are increasingly poor conversationalists because there's so little opportunity for real conversation, what with the internet, television, IPods, and every other technology that allows us to stay away from other people.

I'm interested by your avoiding conversation about yourself; conversation involves some give and take, and it seems that occasionally proffering information about yourself would be part of the natural flow of things, and might make conversation flow a little better. I won't go so far as to suggest you have poor self-esteem or any of that rubbish, but since all we are able to offer in a conversation is information about ourselves or, as is more often the case, information derived from personal experience and observation, it seems natural to suggest that shutting off this personal side altogether is death to any conversation.
Reply 9
svidrigailov
It's a skill like any other, and people these days are increasingly poor conversationalists because there's so little opportunity for real conversation, what with the internet, television, IPods, and every other technology that allows us to stay away from other people.


True. That is quite sad actually.
Reply 10
I'm similar. I am no good a socializing or small talk in groups. If I can get to know someone better, than the more I know them the more social I am with them. I can work well in a group when something needs to get done and even take charge when needed. But if there is no objective to the communication I find it hard to start a convo. I have to consciously force myself to say hi to people and when they don't respond it put me off bothering again. Most of the time I chill with one or a couple of people I know quite well. But on the ocassions I do go out, I sit there wishing I wasn't there coz I don't know what to say and everyone else is getting into conversations. I'd rather listen and observe than speak.