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could I have a guy's perspective on this please?

I'm in a bit of a complicated and upsetting situation at the moment and I just wondered if some of the guys could give me their thoughts.

(i can't believe i'm posting anonymously but unfortunately it's necessary)

Basically I want to know what your feelings/ reactions would be in this situation:
Imagine that you lost your virginity to a girl (and she lost hers) in what later turned out to be a one night stand. At the time you really liked her and were heading towards a proper relationship, but you went to a mate's party, got a bit drunk and ended up sleeping together. Within a couple of days your mate had divulged everything and the whole 6th form had found out. You were too shy to talk to the girl so you sent her an email apologising for everyone finding out and saying that you still liked her (though without making it clear in what way). She replied, but things were still awkward in front of everyone else and you didn't really talk to each other much (and not about your feelings) for a couple of months. For some reason you seemed to be under the impression that she hated you (even though nothing could be further from the truth). You then got into a relationship (or at least pretended to) with someone else.

What I really want to know is:

a)could you still have feelings for the first girl but start a relationship with someone else in the belief that she hated you and that nothing would ever happen with her?

b)if you had managed to get over the first girl under the misapprehension that she hated you could your feelings return if you found out she actually liked you a lot?

c)would you feel some kind of connection/bond with her because of losing your virginity together? (you'd been friends before but not very close and you blatantly planned to do something with her at your mate's party)

sorry for the long post but this is really upsetting/ distracting me :frown:

and I just want to get a more objective perspective ( although obviously i recognise that the situation is subjective).

Any responses much appreciated :smile:

oh, and btw i'm the girl he lost his virginity to in case you hadn't guessed!

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1

sr4470

Objective opinion here, but I wouldnt have done that in the first place...if I ever did have a one night stand for some reason, I'd regret it.

Reply 2

dan1982

B in this sinario. but in the real world :biggrin:

option D

Ignore said friends as they are tards. Stop feeling awkward over nothing and learn to be less socially inept. Go up to said girl (or lad, whoever i am) and speak how i feel
Problem solved or at least concluded.

Reply 3

alexdg

I think its only natural that you may feel a bond towards him, and i should hope he does to you too.

He might not be really going out with someone else, he might just make out so to wind u up or make you jealous. He could reali have a gf but that still doesnt mean that he wont have feelings for you.

Having experienced it myself, yes your old feelings for someone can return and sometimes just as if not stronger than before.

I feel sorry for you because you must hav ur heart on him to the extent u had sex wiv him, i guess even if on the surface you dnt like him deep down im sure you do...

What are your hopes ? say he does stil reali have strong feelings for you, what would you want? would you want a proper relationship with him?

Good luck!

Reply 4

SamTheMan

Anonymous

I
oh, and btw i'm the girl he lost his virginity to in case you hadn't guessed!

I think you're assuming too much about how the guy feels. When I read your post I thought you were the guy because you were being so precise about how "the guy" felt. You can't know that much about him and it seems you're trying to make excuses for him when it sounds he's more interested in his social image and using girls than being interested in you.

Be up front about it and confront him about what happened. You have to give it a go to at least see what's there but I'm predicting he might not be interested.

Reply 5

alexdg

i agree you hav got to face him or chat to him properly, then everything can be sorted, if your really not cumfortable in speakin face to face, use msn.

Reply 6

SamTheMan

alexdg

i agree you hav got to face him or chat to him properly, then everything can be sorted, if your really not cumfortable in speakin face to face, use msn.

Yep but I think that if you can't have a proper discussion with someone, you're not even remotely ready to have sex. But that's just my opinion.

Whatever it takes to talk to him...

Reply 7

silverbolt

sr4470

Objective opinion here, but I wouldnt have done that in the first place...if I ever did have a one night stand for some reason, I'd regret it.

thats beside the point,

dont feel wierd one night stands are fun. Losing your V to someone very often is disapointing (mine was crap) but you just have to get on with life

Reply 8

Redefined

I would say your old enough to have sex, you should be old enough to talk about your feelings.

If I was this guy then I'd think i'm a bit of a plank.

Talk! :smile:

Reply 9

Tangalicious

Virginity is a wierd topic to discuss, because it's very subjective depending on your background. Personally however, I understand that you will feel that you are bonded to the person. It's normal. As for the guy - he may not feel so much the same way. Yet, what he might be doing however is trying to get over you by being with someone else.

I suggest you go and actually talk to him. Sometimes guys can be like this. We like to wait for the girl to come up and talk to us. And because YOU took the initiative rather have him make the first move it makes much more of a difference! Hope it helps!

Reply 10

Anonymous #2

before you do it, it seems such a big thing, once its dun doesnt seem anything any more,

just make you want more!!

Reply 11

SamTheMan

law:portal

I would say your old enough to have sex, you should be old enough to talk about your feelings.

Just what I said. Exactly. In the same way, if you're not old enough to talk to someone honestly, you're not old enough to have sex with them.

I find it a bit bewildering how some people can sleep with someone but still use words like "shy", "embarassed"... This is someone with whom you've shared the most physically intimate thing in the world. People who think like that are usually extremely influenced by peer pressure and social pressure and even sleep with people just because of the social implications. There was this girl who once posted "I didn't want to seem uptight so I slept with him". :rolleyes:

Dear oh dear, what's the world coming to?

I think that there's only one thing you can do, dear anon. OP, rise above the whole social image, social embarassment and popularity stuff and act maturely: it's time because you've been sexual with someone. This is someone you've slept with. Just be honest with him, say "I need to talk to you". If you don't, well you'll just be lead by what social pressure is telling you to do: sleep with this guy because otherwise it will be embarassing, don't talk to him because that would be embarassing.

and the guy might be lead by the same thing: he might be going out with this other girl just because he thinks his mates will think more highly of him if he just slept with you and then went on to another girl. Of course, he's a prick for thinking that way but at that age, people are young and stupid. Maybe you can make him be honest about the whole thing, by talking honestly, and then you can move on, whatever that implies.

Reply 12

Redefined

SamTheMan

Just what I said. Exactly. In the same way, if you're not old enough to talk to someone honestly, you're not old enough to have sex with them.

lol didn't mean to steal your thunder there m8 I only read the first post :wink:

Reply 13

SamTheMan

law:portal

lol didn't mean to steal your thunder there m8 I only read the first post :wink:

lol that's not what I meant. I wasn't implying you repeated what I said, only that I agreed. At least we know what we're talking about.

Reply 14

sr4470

Cadre_Of_Storms

thats beside the point,

dont feel wierd one night stands are fun. Losing your V to someone very often is disapointing (mine was crap) but you just have to get on with life

Maybe I dont think theyre fun? Maybe I think theres more to life?

While I wasnt picking the scenario options, I am still entitled to my opinion...

So let me get this straight, you say losing your virginity was crap yet the one night stand is fun?

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

thanks for the replies, your advice was very insightful and helpful....maybe I ought to clarify a bit because I seem to have given the wrong impression in some parts. Although you're right, and it does seem I'm assuming a lot about how he felt, I know how he felt about me before it happened because he told me and we were getting pretty close (unless he was lying). I recognise that this is a lot of guesswork on the behalf of everyone else but it's helpful just to have opinions from people not bound up in the situation. I guess ultimately he's either just a bit of a **** (which I really hope he isn't), is better at moving on than I am, or has just got some weird tactical plan which I can't understand.

To alexdg, what I really want is confirmation as to whether or not he is a b*****d who was just using me for what he wanted. That way I can move on, but if he's not then I really want to get back to where we were before all of this happened.

Oh and to cadre of storms, yeah I think you're right about not placing too much emphasis on the first time, but I won't be having any more one night stands because it's left me so ****ed up :frown:

You are right, of course, that we shouldn't have been having sex if we can't even talk about it afterwards, but I guess I didn't consider the outcomes in the heat of the moment, and i'm never at my most rational when drunk (tho of course this is no excuse). The other problem is that both of us are known for our "high morality" (not sure it's that absolute but that's how others have phrased it), and no one would ever have expected this of us. I don't believe in succombing to peer pressure and have resolutely resisted in the past, but I suppose in a weird way I was doing exactly that- even though my friends were concerned about what I was doing I was convinced they just didn't know him in the way that i did, so I was kind of creating a paradoxical situation (in that I thought I was breaking away to do what I felt was right, but in the end I just ended up conforming). It does seem ridiculous that we can't discuss it, but the one time I did get up the guts to talk to him he was around all of his mates and I wasn't sure he'd thank me for reminding them of what had happened. Also, since I have no idea how he feels now, i'm nervous of bringing it up in case he has managed to move on and really doesn't want to be reminded :frown:

Reply 16

sr4470

Anonymous

I won't be having any more one night stands because it's left me so ****ed up :frown:

A sensible choice. Hopefully this is a lesson learned..

Reply 17

SamTheMan

Anonymous

I know how he felt about me before it happened because he told me

When a guy sees the possibility of having sex, don't believe a word he says about his feelings. Really. The truth actually comes out when the possibility of gettin sex is passed. You wouldn't believe the amount of crap a guy can say just to get his way. A sizeable number of guys I know would say they love a girl if that allows them to sleep with her.

All that just to say be careful... not all guys are assholes but there's a bit of an asshole in every guy (in my opinion).