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Men are so confusing - PLEASE HELP

Hi all

Are you as confused as me...? I'll start from the beginning - this could be a long one!!

My boyfriend and I had a pretty rough time at the beginning of our relationship and whilst split up I decided to chase a career in the RAF so I applied. After 6 weeks apart we got back together and I thought no more of the RAF - he knew I'd applied and was behind me 100%. Everything was fine - our relationship developed and love is definately involved. I went for RAF selection - he pushed and encouraged me and everything was absolutely fantastic, went to Europe for weekend, spent time bonding etc etc... until the letter dropped through the door telling me I'd been accepted as RAF aircrew and my training started in July.

Everything changed. His feelings turned and after realising it was family that he wanted, he decided that he couldn't do that with me in the RAF getting sent overseas for 6 of 12 months a year - totally understandable. But now I'm in an impossible situation. The RAF has been my goal since I was a little girl (although the job I've been offered isn't the same one) but now I've got it I've found a man who loves me and wants the family life I've now realised I want too.

My parents are thrilled I;ve got into the RAF and after the shaky start in my relationship aren't too impressed that I'm considering not going. I don;t want to let people down by not going but I'm starting to feel like I can't face going away to the RAF.

Things have come to a head with my boyfriend (may now be ex) as he feels that he's never been enough for me as he'd give everything up for me, whereas I have to choose between him and a career - a choice that he thinks should be so easy - but its not!!

What do I do....? Am in utter turmoil!! What do people think??

x

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Reply 1

HannahJ

Thats a really tough one and really its a decision that you have to come to on your own. But I guess the thing to think is can you imagine a life without ever seeing this guy again. If you can't then maybe you shouldn't go. But then again if the RAF is what you've always wanted to do he should be able to support you in that.

Reply 2

amywalters

The key is not to expect him to give everything he has up for you, for your dream. I'd give up my goal in life to be with someone who i knew was going to be there, and just try to achieve it through other things, buts its still a tough call cos there isnt any guarantee that he will be there with you forever. Im sure, that deep down inside you know what you are edging towards, but the question is, what would you get more satisfaction from? A career for the mean time, or a family for always? Couldnt you go into the RAF but do something thats more local?

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Its been going on a good 6 weeks now and he feels like I'm dragging things out and leaving him hanging. Its really not fair on him but I feel I need time to come to the right decisions and I feel pressured. I think the hardest thing is that we are in different periods of our lives - he's 8 years older and has lived and shaped his life already - I'm at the beginning of my career time and its so hard - a career, the only thing i've considered before now - or a different course of career and a family....

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Unfortunately with the RAF I would get what I was given so to speak - with regards to where in the counrty (if not the world) I was. Thats a very good point though amywalters - career for now - family for life - thank you x

Reply 5

zav

Well i am applying to the army as an officer atm and just about to attend RCB.
I have a long term gf and am in a simular postion. My advise though is that you need to do what you want career wise as im sure he has his own ambitions.

If you decide to forgo the RAF you might end up regretting that for ever. (def if you ever broke up).

My gf asked me to choose i said that if she wanted to be with me then she would understand thats part of life.

Now she has come round and said she is sorry ect and we will make a go of it. (providing i get in)

I completly understand his postion and its a hard one you will just have to c if he is willing to comit to you or not. It tough but the best way i believe as you never know you could meet someone else who is happy with your career choise.

I am guessing your quite young like me and maybe explaining that during training is when you need him the most to support you.

Also when not on tour (most of the time) you get evenings and weekends free so you can see him then.

Being away also can help keep the relationship fresh so when you see him you will value your time with him even more and enjoy it more aswell

Hope this helps

Reply 6

zav

think i scared the post off lol

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

LOL its a tough call - you've been better than most!

Reply 8

zav

Thanks if you wana chat about it more ur always welcome to pm me maybe my gf can give u some advise on the otherside of things

Reply 9

Drogue

Ouch, that's one hard choice. It shouldn't be an easy choice, a childhood dream of a career or a family with a many you love, but I can completely understand his side that what he wants in a relationship doesn't involve you being away for half a year. As you've said, I don't think going into the RAF and asking him to support you is feasible, it's an either/or situation.

What is the right choice depends on what happens in the future. If you stay with him, have a family and settle down, then perhaps that's the best choice. If you choose him and it lasts a few months, maybe a year or two, and then you break up, can you reapply to the RAF? Similarly if you go into the RAF and hate it, can you quit and go back to him? Possibly, but perhaps doubtful. However these can't be known, and I would even argue they're not the main issue.

The main issue is whether you can go out with him knowing you gave up on your dream for it. Will you resent him for it? Will you be able to say goodbye to the RAF and not feel pressured into it? If not, then perhaps the relationship wouldn't work. But similarly would you be able to give everything to the RAF knowing you gave up on love for it?

I don't envy your decision, there is no easy route and the consequences could change the rest of your life. I think the only course of action is to talk to him. Sod his pride that it should be an easy choice, anyone who cares about you and knows your dreams will see that it's not. Talk to your parents too, but ask them to be open and honest, not judgemental. It's not their place to approve or disapprove, but parents have a habit of offering great advice when it really comes to it. I remember when I was deciding whether to reapply to uni after missing my Oxford offer, and my parents suddenly changed from being disappointed to offering the most amazing, balanced, non-judgemental advice and supporting me through it.

Good luck!

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

All your advice is fantastic - anyone else have a point of view?? More the better - thank you so much x

Reply 11

xavier2k3

It is a hard decision, there's no denying that. However, unless you have talked it through 100% and everything don't let this decision make you regret not doing something for the rest of your life.

regards
--marty

Reply 12

ChemistBoy

Some times you just have to go your seperate ways or resentment will kill off your relationship anyway. I am speaking from personal experience.

Reply 13

Steve Stifler

Stick with the RAF, it's a career for life. If you bin it and then split up with your boyfriend you then have a lot of hassle to sort out. Alternatively, if you are really keen on him then join the reserves. That way you can stay in one place but still do all the good stuff. You just need to find a civvy job then.

Reply 14

zav

Steve Stifler

if you are really keen on him then join the reserves. That way you can stay in one place but still do all the good stuff. .

Nice idea Steve and then if you choose to join the regulars it will be easyier to change over with some experience and you already have been accepted i suppose.

You can also then see if you like the RAF life and decide whats more important

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

You guys are great - any more good ideas? x

Reply 16

Rainbow_Chick

This is such a hard decision. You need to take a long look at which one your willing to lose. Are you sure your boyfriend wont stay with you if you join the RAF?

Reply 17

Anonymous #1

He would but he's made it clear he wouldn't be happy cos it wouldn't be the right environment to have a family in - fair point and I agree with that. I think thats why its so hard is that I wanted RAF as a career but my whole perspectiveon having a family has changed so drastically because I've gone from not wanting that to not being able to imagine not having that.... So hard

Reply 18

Anonymous #1

SteveStifler I hear you but will only be for 12 years I join the RAF for as am joining as Aircrew - too long a time for him, and too short to write off a relationship for me. RAF reserves a very good idea though thank you!