I am posting anonymous because a few people know me on tsr and I just don't want them to find out it's me.
(Sorry this might be a bit too long, forgive me)
Well anyway, I feel so lonely. I have no real friends and a have no one who loves me as in a boyfriend. I only have family who loves me but that’s only okay to a point.
I go to college and all my friends from school have all moved on and it's my final year or it should be but I am staying in college for another year to finish my course.
All my friends from school they are in the same college as me, but they are leaving to go to university. I really don't know why I call them friends. When I did just say I have no real friends. I mean I only get to see the people from my school when I bump into them I do say hi but it's always like they don't really care that much anymore. I find it hard to make friends, so I have no friends from college. I am such a loner.
I was bullied at a young age and still sometimes till this day, still makes me scared into finding friends that who know the real me.
In school I became very shy and I only had me as my company, I started to like my own company and I really don’t know why now but I don’t enjoy being on my own now. In school people did try to get to know me but I always put up a front to help myself stop and not let them get to know the real me. That was my problem, I was horrible to them. I regret that now because when I see them it is awkward to deal with what I done. When I first started college I did smile and I did say hi to them if ever I saw them but they did not respond at all. So now I have given up. It hurts because I did have a chance to let them get to know me and all I did was shut them out.
When people from my school see me at college when I am alone they automatically think: “yeah I can understand why nobody what’s to be her friend”. I don’t really know if they think that but I can really tell that my looking at their facial expressions.
When saying that, it’s very hard for me to find real friends who really care for me in college, I start up getting really shy and I start to stutter. It’s not like I have not tried to make friends in college it’s just that I have not found the right ones. The ones I have talked to they were really mean to me and that’s what has made me give up finding any friendly friends. Since I have to stay in college one more year it’s making me feel very sad and upset. The people I have known me from school are leaving and that leaves me with these strangers, which make me feel even more scared.
Also the fact that I have no one to love me other than my family it's kind of making me feel depressed. It hurts when I see other people with someone they love. I have never been out with someone properly. I have never been kissed. And the closest I have been to go out with someone is a long distance relationship, he hurt me and he cheated on me. So I have never been able to trust any guy.
When I was in a long distance relationship I was in yr 9 it ended in yr 10 I am 18 now and I feel really stupid for not going out with a guy, I am scared a little with intimacy I don't even know how to kiss a guy.
In the end on yr 10 and the start of yr 11 I was still very depressed about this guy that I did really care about in Florida and I live in London. So throughout my final years of my secondary school years I became severely depressed over this guy in Florida. In the middle of all that I became very attracted to this guy in my year that looked very like my ex. I really started to fancy him so much, I sort of knew that he liked me to. So I never really did anything about it, since I am a very shy person.
So I guess fell for this new guy because he looked like my ex. I have been hung up on him since end of yr 10 well until this day I am in second year of college. I have never really talked to him, only a few sentences.
So as the transition over into college from school. I did not think about this new guy that much over in the summer holidays of that year after I finished my GCSE's that year. Since I thought then yeah I will see him again. I did not see him for months. Those months turned into a year, I became very depressed I started to realise that I had lost something that was really had potential for a relationship.
This guy did not come to college for the first year he came in my second year. To cut things short I have been trying to pick my courage to go up to him and be really friendly as I can. I think he may like me still but I don’t know. But I am finding it really hard recently, and I know I only have 3 more moths left to try. But I need some help with picking up my courage to go and talk to him so any advice would be welcome.
How can I sort out my life?
So I don’t know if anyone can help me, but it would be nice if someone can it would be very much appreciated. I am sorry if when reading this it seems muddled, when I was typing this I was crying.