Please help revise the essay written in English by a chinese girl Watch

zhuqx969
Badges: 0
#1
Report Thread starter 12 years ago
#1
Hello everyone,I am a chinese girl. I learn English recently and write an essay in English for exercise. Would you kindly help me revise this essay? Thank you very much indeed.

Here is my essay and the topic of it is based on a picture below.

The link of the picture: http://blog.diandian.net/blog/member...2005977128.jpg

My essay:


Nowadays, the difficulty of the college graduates to get employment is universally realized. Unemployment after graduation is not the mere problem for an individual, but a social phenomenon that has aroused the close attention of the public. As we can read in the chart, the percentage of college graduates who got employed during the year they leave school decreases quickly. The number drops from 96% in 1999 to 88% in 2001,4% annually on average. That is to say, almost one fifth of the graduates group is out of work.

There are several causes for the significant problem in my mind. The boom of the college graduates must be the first among all. As in the whole country, the access to the college is expanding handsomely while the available jobs offered by the personnel market are shrinking. The unbalance between the giant students crowd and few work opportunities is the direct reason that give rise to the high rate of unemployment.

The impact from the highly educated intelligent may be the indirect reason. These years, more and more Masters and Doctors rushed into the Human Resource Market. They are knowledgeable and more competitive, so it is easier for them to get a job, While the collegians are harder to do so.

Poor earnings of the first job are the third reason. It's not that the students could not find a job, but that they could not find a suitable job with a decent earning. Maybe their aspiration has far exceeded the reality. In their minds, it is better to eat nothing than eat a little thing. Apparently, their wrong ideas lead the embarrassing situation of unemployment.

To deal with such complicated situation, some tough measures should be laid down by the government. The government has brought out a West Improvement Project, which offers a large number of work opportunities. Although the efficiency of the project is limited, its effect is profound, for it means that our country has decided to get rid of it. It is good news to all of us.
0
reply
supercat
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#2
Report 12 years ago
#2
OK, this is what I would say, but other people might think differently. You have good English by the way, how long have you been learning? It's probably not that good (I'm pretty tired) but someone else might be able to improve it. I tried not to change it too much.

Nowadays, the difficulty college graduates face in getting employment is universally acknowledged. Unemployment after graduation is not merely a problem for an individual, but a social phenomenon that has aroused the close attention of the public. As we can see in the chart, the percentage of college graduates who became employed during the year they left school decreases sharply. The number drops from 96% in 1999 to 88% in 2001, or 4% annually on average. That is to say, almost one fifth of the graduates are out of work.

In my mind, there are several causes for this significant problem. Firstly, above all, there has been a boom in the numbers of college graduates. Nationwide, access to college is expanding greatly while the number of available jobs offered by the personnel market is shrinking. The lack of balance between the large number of students and the small number of work opportunities available is the direct cause of the high rate of unemployment.

The impact of the highly educated intelligent may be an indirect cause. Today, more and more Masters and Doctors rush into the Human Resource Market. They are knowledgeable and more competitive, so it is easier for them to get a job, making it harder for the collegians to do so.

Poor earnings of first jobs are the third reason. It's not that the students could not find a job, but that they could not find a suitable job with a decent earning. Maybe their aspiration has far exceeded the reality. In their minds, it is better to eat nothing than to eat something small. It appears that their wrong ideas lead to the embarrassing situation of unemployment.

To deal with such a complicated situation, some tough measures should be laid down by the government. The government has brought out a West Improvement Project, which offers a large number of work opportunities. Although the efficiency of the project is limited, its effect is profound, for it means that our country has decided to get rid of unemployment. It is good news to all of us.
0
reply
evil groove
Badges: 0
Rep:
?
#3
Report 12 years ago
#3
Nowadays, the difficulties that college graduates face in getting employment are well-known. Unemployment after graduation is not only a problem for the individual, but also a significant social issue that has attracted the close attention of the public. As we can see in the chart, the percentage of graduates being employed in their final year is decreasing quickly, from 96% in 1999 to 88% in 2001. On average, this is an annual drop of 4%. The figures indicate that almost one fifth of graduates are out of work.

In my mind, there are several causes for this tenacious problem. First and most importantly, I will address the matter of the boom in the number of university graduates. All over the country, access to university is expanding handsomely whilst the number of available jobs offered by the personnel market is shrinking. The unbalance between this giant student crowd and the few work opportunities gives rise to the high rate of unemployment.

Certain highly educated persons may be indirectly contributing to employment concerns themselves. These days, more and more Masters and Doctors are rushed into the Human Resource Market. They are more knowledgeable and, perhaps, more competitive than those with the less prestigious types of degrees, so it is easier for them to get jobs.

Poor earnings in one's first job is the third cause of graduate unemployment. It's not that the students can't find a job, but that they can't find a suitable job with decent earnings. Maybe their salary expectations far exceed their real earning potential, and so they end up with what is, in their mind, an embarrassing job.

To deal with such a complicated situation, I believe that some tough measures should be laid down by the government. The government has devised a West Improvement Project, which offers a large number of work opportunities. Although the efficiency of the project is limited, its effect is profound, for it means that our country has decided to get rid of it. It is good news for everyone.
0
reply
shinytoy
Badges: 17
Rep:
?
#4
Report 12 years ago
#4
(Original post by play_the_world)
Nowadays, the difficulties that college graduates face in getting employment are well-known. Unemployment after graduation is not only a problem for the individual, but also a significant social issue that has aroused the close attention of the public. As we can see in the chart, the percentage of graduates being employed in their final year is decreasing quickly, from 96% in 1999 to 88% in 2001. On average, this is an annual drop of 4%. The figures indicate that almost one fifth of graduates are out of work.

In my mind, there are several causes of this tenacious problem. First and most importantly, I will address the matter of the boom in the number of university graduates. All over the country, access to university is expanding handsomely whilst the number of available jobs offered by the personnel market is shrinking. The inbalance between this giant student crowd and the few work opportunities gives rise to the high rate of unemployment.

Certain highly educated persons may be indirectly contributing to employment concerns themselves. These days, more and more Masters and Doctors are rushed into the Human Resource Market. They are more knowledgeable and, perhaps, more competitive than those with the less prestigious types of degrees, so it is easier for them to get jobs.

Poor earnings in one's first job is the third cause of graduate unemployment. It's not that students are unable to find jobs, but that they can't find jobs with decent earnings. Maybe their salary expectations had far exceeded their real earning potential, and they had ended up with an embarrassing job. In their minds, it's better to eat nothing than to eat only a little.

To deal with such a complicated situation, I believe that some tough measures should be laid down by the government. The government has devised a West Improvement Project, which offers a large number of work opportunities. Although the efficiency of the project is limited, its effect is profound, for it means that our country has decided to get rid of it. It is good news for everyone.

hello

i agree with the guy above but i thought of 3 changes in GREEN:

1. "several reasons for this problem" OR "several causes of this problem"
2. "imbalance", not "unbalance"
3. "It's not that the students couldn't find a job, but that they couldn't find a suitable job with decent earnings." could be "It's not that students are unable to find jobs, but that they can't find jobs with decent earnings"
0
reply
evil groove
Badges: 0
Rep:
?
#5
Report 12 years ago
#5
Thanks shinytoy. zhuqx969, your perfect (so far!) essay:

Nowadays, the difficulties that college graduates face in getting employment are well-known. Unemployment after graduation is not only a problem for the individual, but also a significant social issue that has attracted the close attention of the public. As we can see in the chart, the percentage of graduates being employed in their final year is decreasing quickly, from 96% in 1999, to 88% in 2001. On average, this is an annual drop of 4%. The figures indicate that almost one fifth of graduates are out of work.

In my mind, there are several causes for this tenacious problem. First and most importantly, I will address the matter of the boom in the number of university graduates. All over the country, access to university is expanding whilst the number of available jobs offered by the personnel market is shrinking. The inbalance between this giant student crowd and the few work opportunities gives rise to the high rate of unemployment.

Certain highly educated persons may be indirectly contributing to employment concerns themselves. These days, more and more Masters and Doctors are rushed into the Human Resource Market. They are more knowledgeable and, perhaps, more competitive than those with the less prestigious types of degrees, so it is easier for them to get jobs.

Poor earnings in one's first job is the third cause of graduate unemployment. It's not that the students are unable to find jobs, but that they can't find suitable jobs with decent earnings. Maybe their salary expectations far exceed their real earning potential, and so they end up with what is, in their mind, an embarrassing job.

To deal with such a complicated situation, I believe that some tough measures should be laid down by the government. The government has devised a West Improvement Project, which offers a large number of work opportunities. Although the efficiency of the project is limited, its effect is profound, for it means that our country has decided to get rid of it. It is good news for everyone.
0
reply
zhuqx969
Badges: 0
#6
Report Thread starter 12 years ago
#6
Dear Supercat, play the world and Shinytoy, thank you. I think I will look at your revisions immediately.
0
reply
Comp_Genius
Badges: 4
Rep:
?
#7
Report 12 years ago
#7
If possible, throw in the expression 'fundamentally flawed'; it sounds cool, sounds intelligent, and sounds academic.
0
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Brexit: Given the chance now, would you vote leave or remain?

Remain (860)
80.37%
Leave (210)
19.63%

Watched Threads

View All