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Not allowed a boyfriend..... Age 20

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black_mamba

Its sad isn't it? Whats worse is I know that my dad and bf would really get along, if only he[father] wasn't so traditional.

EXACTLY! Your just my immage! My dad knows my bf but he doesnt know we are going out :p:

and my bf said he[dad] is ace and he's looking forward to know him. *i felt so bad when he[bf] said that*

Reply 41

randdom

In the end of the day as much as you may love and respect you parents this is your life and you have to start living it as you see fit. I am also 20 my parents initially found it difficult to start treating me as an adult ( I am also the oldest) but after talking to them things have got better. You should try and sit down and talk to them, the relationship you have with them is going to change and this is a hard time. You don't have to introduce them to a boyfriend imediately but perhaps start to raise the idea with them and talk to them about things that you would like to change and then tell them at a stage where you feel that they will be comfatable with it. But now is the time to start living your own life and you have to do something.

Reply 42

Schmokie Dragon

cookiecrumble

what do you do if violence could be a factor?

or other things, its the unpredictability which is the issue

As I said, if they lay a hand on you after you become an adult, thats not legitimate parental discapline, thats abuse or assault. You get the police involved or you just get out of there.

If at 20 they still feel the need to give you a "loving" smack, they have not done an overly good job at being parents. If they would hit you out of anger and hatred, they need to be dealt with. In the end, you owe them nothing. They chose to create you, they chose to bring you up and give you clothes and ballet lessons etc. Once you are an adult, it is YOUR life.

You could get married without telling them, you could leave home without their permission. So do NOT let them think that their ideology will get in the way of your life. If you do not share their beliefs now, you never will.

Reply 43

black_mamba

Anonymous

EXACTLY! Your just my immage! My dad knows my bf but he doesnt know we are going out :p:

and my bf said he[dad] is ace and he's looking forward to know him. *i felt so bad when he[bf] said that*

Maybe your father will tire with age, then one day you can hit him with the news BAM and he won't even notice it. :wink:

I wish.

freshestkid

Black mamba, excuse me if this is too prying, but why is your mum still with your dad if you've been in hostels and he is a legitimate threat to her life?

Good question, I don't know the answer! If it were upto me my dad would've been kicked out long ago. Its not a constant threat, its more akin to the hulk - nice guy 99% of the time, then a raging monster for that other 1%. I know for certain that she is still 'with him' (living with, but not sleeping with) for the kids who have now [almost!!] grown up. Time for that divorce methinks. :biggrin:

Reply 44

bluedreamer

My mother is psychotically over possessive. So I feel you pain :frown:

Reply 45

freshestkid

black_mamba

People just need to chill. Guess its my upbringin but it really pisses me off when people try to repress their kids and rule their lives with physical/emotional bullying, they need a bit of a their own medicine methinks. To the OP, once you stop trying to please/placate your family and start to live your life for YOU, then things'll improve. Till then, nothing will change, and it wont change for your younger brothers/sisters either

Reply 46

zav

freshestkid

There is no reason why u can't get on with it. Sort it out and stop worrying

Reply 47

Jonatan

cookiecrumble

Belive me, they will find ways, I still live under their roof and they'd make my life hell :frown:

e.g not let me go out, take away my phone etc.

Also worried about how they will treat my boyfriend

Is there any chance you will be able to move out? Seriously, you're an adult now, if they still treat you like a kid its time to consider moving.

Reply 48

ChemistBoy

My parents were absolutely delighted when I brought a girlfriend to the family home for the first time (I was 17), I guess it was definitive proof that I was "normal". I guess most people aren't that lucky.

You have to live your own life and that means making sometimes tough decisions, if you feel that you parents are holding you back then your relationship with them will sour anyway as mutual resentment will build up.

Reply 49

zav

same here when i brought my gf round my parents just took the pss out me and did the lets c how much of a fool our son can look for a laugh.

There always asking when she will be round next which is annoying but there you go set em straight

Reply 50

shinytoy

im almost 21 and my parents wont let me have a bf. i have actualy dated guys quite alot for the past 2 years and just secretly dont tell them. a few months ago just after i turned 20, i told my mom this guy from uni wanted to take me out and she was ok. i went for dinner and a film with him. we didnt even hold hands. but then when i got home no-one spoke to me for 3 days, except my bro who said 'you are too young to kiss a guy'.

Reply 51

ChemistBoy

shinytoy

This is rediculous! By 21 I had been in a single relationship for 4 years! You are an adult so put your foot down! Don't let your parents use the "whilst you are in this house" line, it is no excuse for tyranny.

Reply 52

zav

im with chemist this is a unreasonable reaction

bluddy rebel and sort it out i can't be bothered to be supportive anymore read my earlyier posts for that

Reply 53

shinytoy

ChemistBoy

lol they always use that line. they say there's no point in me dating until im ready to have sex or get married. then if i say im ready to have sex (though i dont plan to ) then they start with all that scaremongering stuff about single moms, pregnancy STDs and sluts. and if i say im ready to get married then they say 'you are too young have a career first'.
really i should move out but they have refused to contribute to my student loan and so i cant afford to :frown:

i guess in the long term they are right tho :redface:

Reply 54

freshestkid

shinytoy

i guess in the long term they are right tho :redface:

NO, they're not! How you view your brother's comment about 'being too young to kiss a guy' is how I (and im sure a lot of other people on here) see your beliefs about no sex before marriage etc etc, although I accept that you use a little more intellect in coming about your decision instead of the blind belief and indoctrinated rubbish your bro spouts, but don't believe your parents just because they are your parents!

They are just doing what parents do - bull**** and guilt trips to get you to do what THEY want, and they might THINK they are doing it in your best interests, but obviously they aren't, otherwise you'd be happier about the situation.

Reply 55

shinytoy

my bro gets away with loads of stuff - i had to sneak out to go clubbing/pubbing when i was 19 until i was caught and then i was allowed but i had to be back by midnight.i also cant go into london alone. i still am not allowed alchocol but my bro is 17 and he goes clubbing partying and drinking and my paretns say 'its different - he's a boy'

the worst one is when i applied for 2nd year internships over the summer in finance. my parents said i couldnt work in london cos i'd get raped/killed. so i applied to cambs. they then said i was a girl so had no business trying to get a career as i'd spend most of the next 10 years raising kids.

my friend who has strict Catholic parents says her mom wont let her go to london either, and she has slept with a guy and had bfs including one 10 yrs older than her, but when her family disapprove they just slam doors and yell alot. she is also 21.

i hope the OP realises she is not alone! :biggrin:

move out while you can!RUUN!!!

Reply 56

WokSz

I'm sorry, but you're an adult. You're parents, whether they like it or not, will have to accept it. My mum had the same problem, and I told her that she has to whether she likes it or not, as it's not her choice.

Reply 57

amie

shinytoy

move out while you can!RUUN!!!

That is awful. No offence, but your parents sound very smothering.

Reply 58

Anonymous #4

Could you ask them if you can discuss it? Why exactly don't they want you to have a boyfriend? Are they worried it'll distract you from work or something? Find out exactly what their reasons are. Surely once they were boyfriend and girlfriend? Or were they not? Sorry, don't mean to offend you or anything but I just find it hard to understand why they would feel so strongly about it.