Mum and dad are wanting me to dump bf Watch

need_money
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I've been going out with a guy for almost 2 and a half months and things were going great. But my mum and dad (although they don't know him), think that he isn't good enough and are doing there best to get me to dump him. They stopped me going to his house before as they thought i was spending too much time there and because of this, we (me and my bf) almost split up. They also managed to convince me at one point that he was using me.

I've told them that I won't just because they want me to but now (because of other reasons) they have grounded me. Obviously this has also stopped me seeing my bf and now my mum is saying that I won't get let back out until I prove I'm responsible (in other words get rid of my bf and find new friends). You can't just expect someone to do this though, can you? Anyone think she is being reasonable?

As well as opinions, I need advice on what to do. On one hand, I would be heartbroken if I had to split up with my bf but on the other hand, if I don't then my mum and dad won't trust me when (and if) I get back out, if I tell them I'm going to his house to see him.

Thanks to anyone who reads this and can give me any advice on the matter coz I really really dunno what to do just now.
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fried_brain
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is there anyway you could try to get your parents and your bf to know each other? like invite him over for dinner or something? that would be the only way to show your parents that he is a good match for you, and hes not using you!
by any chance did anything happen to convince your parents he's not good enough?
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need_money
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No cos he won't come near my house from fear of them

And not really anything specific its just the fact that he lives in a rough area and the way that he lives (he's allowed to do anything he wants and his mum lets him smoke dope and stuff).
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CorpusNinja
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don't take the disrespect - slap that *****!
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Talya
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How old are you? Whether you are 14 or 18 makes a lot of difference in this scenario.
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need_money
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I'm 16
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Talya
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(Original post by need_money)
I'm 16
I can kind of see why your parents still think they have control.

And what are your 'new friends' like?
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need_money
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To be honest, so can I. But to a certain extent. They can't control me this much though and I've made it clear how I feel about that.

And my friends are a bit daft and only really want to sit and drink when we're out. But to be honest, thats all I want to do. My parents think that I get dragged into it though and that its always the friends who cause me to behave the way I do but its not.
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dita_parlo
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From my experiences, you should really take your parents advice. Love/lust can blind you, especially at such a young age. Your parents can see the reality. If your parents/close friends don't like your boyfriend, there is probably a valid reason as to why they don't that you just can't see cos you're so blind by "love".
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need_money
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But the point is that its just a bit of fun. They're acting like we're getting married and having kids.
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MagicNMedicine
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(Original post by dita_parlo)
From my experiences, you should really take your parents advice. Love/lust can blind you, especially at such a young age. Your parents can see the reality. If your parents/close friends don't like your boyfriend, there is probably a valid reason as to why they don't that you just can't see cos you're so blind by "love".
yeah maybe its this

http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show...4&postcount=22

(Original post by need_money)
He used to always try and prove that he could batter everyone and start fights with his mates infront of me but now he's actually started taming down coz it doesn't impress me, I just like my men to be manly, not agressive. Although :| I have seen my bf go off his head big style before :| like getting a knife and threatning to stab people. But that wasn't nice.
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need_money
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I want my parents trust obviously but if I split with my bf not only will I be totally and utterly gutted but I'll also lose a lot of my mates and then where will I be? Back sitting in the house with no where to go anyways, so I may as well be grounded.
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rosetinted
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Well if I remember being 16 correctly it sucks for this very reason. Kids think they are grown up enough to make their own decisions, date people their parents hate, smoke weed, drink and be out til the wee hours of the morning...but really they don't have much life experience or understanding of the world.

Parents still hold the purse strings, have to drive you places and collect you in the middle of the night and are the ones you run to when things go crashing down around your ears..oh plus you still 'live under their roof'.

Your parents are protective because they don't want to see you emotionally or physically getting hurt. Even if it drives you mad, they are well meaning and you'll regret all the yelling at them and fighting that comes with being a 16 yr old girl.

My first bit of advice is to start saving now to take driving lessons once you turn 17. Once you have passed your driving test then the world changes quite a lot. Your parents will allow you more freedom simply because it's so much bloody easier when they don't have to be involved in every outing. As long as you are never stupid enough to drink and drive & you show responsibility to your parents by practising driving a lot & then being super careful after passing the test then driving opens up a whole new world to you.

As for your parents believing your friends are a bad influence. Be adult about it and take responsibility for your actions and explain that you are chosing to do these things, don't let it be blamed on your friends. At the moment your parents are working off guesswork and snatches of information and let me tell you parents often imagine things being worse than they are simply due to lack of information. Let your parents get to know your friends & their likeable qualities.

You are still a child so they are perfectly within their rights to tell you they don't want you smoking dope or drinking. Rather than raging at them and telling them 'everyone else does it' (I'm not saying you do this, just going off my experiences of being a 16 yr old girl!) why not explain the reasons that you believe you should be able to drink, show them that you will be responsible with it and not rolling around drunk and getting taken advantage of. If they still don't want you drinking ask them to give you the reasons for it. If nothing else it will give you a better understanding of where they are coming from & maybe a little empathy with them.

To be fair with the boyfriend issue your parents may well know better than you and see all the pitfalls whilst you only see the world through rose tinted glasses. However the process of growing up is learning new experiences and new things, good and bad. Again the whole boyfriend issue is about showing your parents that you are being sensible and mature (yes that word again) about chosing your man & conducting a relationship. Definitely listen to the advice someone else gave and introduce your boyfriend to your parents. Sure it may be intimidating but I'd imagine your parents are reasonable enough to at least give him a chance. It goes back to what I said about parents imagining the worst. Give them no information and their minds run wild imagining things. When you stop acting in a sectretive manner they stop being so suspicious!
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need_money
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I actually agree with everything you said there.

I've tried to tell my parents that its not my mates fault and pointed out that it isn't just coincidence that I still do the same daft things no matter who my mates are. But they just say that I am easily lead.

But they know I drink and smoke dope but obviously they don't like the latter although they don't really mind me drinking as long as it's not til I'm out of control.

And as for the matter of my bf ... there's no chance on earth he will come to meet my parents. I know what he's like and the first mention would have him point blank refusing. If I'm being honest he's actually quite immature. He'll be 17 next month and he doesn't have a job, doesn't go to school and lives off his mums wages which is why my mum and dad are so against me going out with him. My mates are all telling me to stay with him since its not my parents who are going out with him but listening to your advice I'm really seriously seriously reconsidering .
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wendizzle22
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5.) Your parents are a great deal more worldly wise and experience
My mum isn't as worldlywise and experienced as I am, but she's absolutely lovely. I reckon as long as he's not trying to persuade you into smoking weed or anything you don't want to do, it's fine. They can't know that he's bad news if they've never met him or heard bad things about him.

Even if relationships end badly, it's still good experience in preparation for real relationships in later life.

EDIT - ok you already smoke weed, that's hopefully your own choice... but yeah if he tries to get you do to things that aren't, then your folks have a point. At 17 many people don't have a proper job, and if they do and have left school, from the experience of my friends they change quite a bit. If he's actively looking for a job, great.
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Pandy
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Meh. It's unfair to control that aspect of life I think. Live and learn. Nothing will last forever though, it's silly thinking like that.

Why go out with someone when 16-7, it won't last forever! Why get married - your spouse will die eventually.

If you really like him, try make it work. Talk to your parents without getting pissed off and maybe they'll see reason.
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need_money
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(Original post by wendizzle22)
My mum isn't as worldlywise and experienced as I am, but she's absolutely lovely. I reckon as long as he's not trying to persuade you into smoking weed or anything you don't want to do, it's fine. They can't know that he's bad news if they've never met him or heard bad things about him.

Even if relationships end badly, it's still good experience in preparation for real relationships in later life.

EDIT - ok you already smoke weed, that's hopefully your own choice... but yeah if he tries to get you do to things that aren't, then your folks have a point. At 17 many people don't have a proper job, and if they do and have left school, from the experience of my friends they change quite a bit. If he's actively looking for a job, great.
Yeah it is If I didn't want to there's no way someone could make me. But he isn't doing anything. Thats why they feel so strongly about this. Cos he just spends his days sitting about his house with his mates smoking dope and leeching of his mum. Thats how they describe it anyways.
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wendizzle22
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(Original post by need_money)
Yeah it is If I didn't want to there's no way someone could make me. But he isn't doing anything. Thats why they feel so strongly about this. Cos he just spends his days sitting about his house with his mates smoking dope and leeching of his mum. Thats how they describe it anyways.
To be fair to them, I think if I was a parent I'd be a bit wary too, because if he really does rely totally on his mum and has no plans to change soon, this shows that he's not very responsible. I think they'd probably want to think of you as being with someone with prospects hopefully like yourself, although as you say, you're not getting married or anything.

I think they may be worried he could end up sponging off you like he does off his mum - if he's addicted to weed then he'll need money from somewhere for that. They may worry that when they give you money, it may be spent on drugs and so forth.
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need_money
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Hm... yeah actually a lot of that is what they have said to me. Although .. my mums starting to joke about how I'm lovesick cos i'm grounded as if she knows that I'll be going to see him when I get back out :confused:
Awft parents confuse me :|. I'm still thinking about what i should do for definite though. I'm actually scared by the thought of splitting up with him :confused:Its as if, if I did dump him, I would be filled with regret.
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wendizzle22
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Don't worry, if you do decide to dump him the reget won't last very long. I'm sure you'd soon end up liking someone, hopefully with more ambition, that you're parents won't be wary of. The way he refuses to see them seems to say he has something to hide! Maybe other guys would love to see them eventually and get on just fine

Saying that, my current boyfriend was worried about meeting my mum, (he's a bit shy, at bloody 25!) and when it happened it was really sweet! My mum and grandad said he seemed lovely, and he said the same about them, so you never know, people can surprise you!
My first love was definitely bad news though and they knew it from the start!
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