Hidden feelings

I find it extremely difficult to talk about the most important things associated with my personality. When it comes to other feelings, such as stress, worry, etc, I have no problem, talking about them is straightforward. However, if it relates to my own feelings about myself, I become extremely embarassed about talking about them, especially to my family. The problem is I KNOW what I want to say, I even say it to myself, and I wish to communicate my feelings, but I just...can't, it's so scary. For example, my family has no idea about my transgender identity or bisexuality, which are extremely important aspects of my personality I wish to communicate. This also transfers itself to my personality, to most people, unless I know them very intimately, only see certain aspects of my personality (as well as ones I portray subconsciously), but I have the feeling that much of my personality and feelings are locked away. For example, I repress any element of sexuality, masculinity (because I hate it), opinions, true passions, and some of my personality. I have also never had a relationship of any form (no, not even a "fling" or anything) and I feel intensely lonely and incapable of romantic relations. Perhaps it is due to the fact I feel few people would be receptive to what I have to say, since I have experienced many instances where people cannot relate to what I say, or express little interest, so my subconscious self has given up altogether. I also have intense feelings of loneliness and lack of emotional connection and intimacy which I deeply desire, and whose absence eats away at my morale each day, due to my "wall" preventing me from communicating them. I fear talking to my mother about it due to the worry it may cause her, or jumping to conclusions - if she asks "what's wrong?" she'll say it in a confrontational tone, which normally results me in saying nothing, since I need a listener to allow me to take my time and not rush into their own answers too quickly. Yet when I HAVE talked with my mother, it has often helped, so it feels ridiculous that I can't communicate my feelings again! Sometimes I feel there is no appropriate time - I don't know how I can say "By the way, I've been experiencing a huge lack of emotional intimacy in my life, I have a transgendered identity and I'm bisexual" at the right moment. Even if I'm listening to a song (normally a ballad) that is dear to my heart, I turn it down if somebody walks near my bedroom, in case they hear it. The thing that causes me the most anguish is the fact I can't show myself to the world, yet the one thing that stops me is myself! The help I am asking for is how can I start to communicate these feelings so I can start to come to terms with them?

Reply 1

jb_sweden

I can't really give you much advice (considering we seem to have very little in common - I'm devoid of emotions, ha!), except that with small increments, wonders can be made. You can't expect to change your life overnight. Construct a plan involving small steps and then attend to it. I hope that makes sense. Good luck mate.

Reply 2

Eien

OP

16

Thanks for the advice, I believe communication can be the start to resolving my feelings. The majority of the time I have to write my feelings down and give it to the other person to read in order to communicate them, although to some people, this seems rather frivolous and unnecessary.

Reply 3

Ludivine

Eien

or express little interest

Well there's one mistake you're making. The people who care about you (for instance, your mother) will surely care about what you have to say. If she asks, it's bc she wants to know. It's helped you in the past, so try and talk to her.

Reply 4

Eien

OP

16

Ludivine

Well there's one mistake you're making. The people who care about you (for instance, your mother) will surely care about what you have to say. If she asks, it's bc she wants to know. It's helped you in the past, so try and talk to her.

Exactly, it's logical to do that, but I just...can't, and I have no idea why. It's like I am afraid to express what causes me the greatest sadness and sense of passion.

Reply 5

gemby!

2

i find it hard to talk to my parents and even friends. its far easier to someone you don't directly know from here for example. i guess (im not the best for advice) you could try talking to them more in general and then perhaps you speak about topics that you are passionate about. i can imagine it is hard to speak about the topics you mentioned, especially to your parents, but you can attempt to slowly be more open....

sorry if what i said was absolutely useless :smile:

Reply 6

Ludivine

Eien

Exactly, it's logical to do that, but I just...can't, and I have no idea why. It's like I am afraid to express what causes me the greatest sadness and sense of passion.

Well you said "Perhaps it is due to the fact I feel few people would be receptive to what I have to say, since I have experienced many instances where people cannot relate to what I say, or express little interest, so my subconscious self has given up altogether." If indeed this is the case, then you need to realise that people are interested and concerned in what you have to say. Never think that no one wants to hear it.

Reply 7

Eien

OP

16

Ludivine

Well you said "Perhaps it is due to the fact I feel few people would be receptive to what I have to say, since I have experienced many instances where people cannot relate to what I say, or express little interest, so my subconscious self has given up altogether." If indeed this is the case, then you need to realise that people are interested and concerned in what you have to say. Never think that no one wants to hear it.

When I mentioned that, I meant is as a suggestion as to why I might behave this way, but it is not the direct reason that stops me from talking about my inner self, although it may be to a certain extent..but a lot of the time, I just don't know why I can't say how I feel when I want to and know what to say.

Reply 8

Ludivine

Eien

When I mentioned that, I meant is as a suggestion as to why I might behave this way, but it is not the direct reason that stops me from talking about my inner self, although it may be to a certain extent..but a lot of the time, I just don't know why I can't say how I feel when I want to and know what to say.

Well that's why I said "if indeed this is the case". If not, I'm not sure what to suggest, but I guess I'd agree with others on this thread that it's a matter of taking things a little at a time. Writing things down is good too, as you say it helps you to get your feelings out. Good luck!

Reply 9

Eien

OP

16

Does anyone else have any advice?

Reply 10

sandra

1

Eien

Thanks for the advice, I believe communication can be the start to resolving my feelings. The majority of the time I have to write my feelings down and give it to the other person to read in order to communicate them, although to some people, this seems rather frivolous and unnecessary.

i guess we have somethings in common - i can realte to most of the things u said in the first post
i also have this "wall" around me that prevents ppl from seeing the real me

and sometimes ive even planned to (force myself to) communicate certain feelings, walked up to the person but then choked right bfore the words came out

and ive also found that the only way i can communicate my feelings is to write them down (which ive only done with my bf btw)

my family and all the ppll around me dont even know the real me .

sorry i cant b of any help

Reply 11

alej18

5

write down what your gonna say before hand and then recite face to face and take that as a starting point?

Hidden feelings

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