Constructive feedback would be appreciated. Watch

Jar Man
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#1
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#1
Thanks for the feedback, i altered my essay slightly, memorised it, and luckily enough used some parts of it in my exam essay.
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Anthony Arundel
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#2
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The latest addition to my signature will tell you my response to this piece.
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Né Stig
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#3
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#3
And there's me thinking this was a gallery thread and not a literature one :rolleyes:
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Redefined
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#4
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Why did you use "like the tears of a phoenix"? I'm intrigued.
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Artemidoros.
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#5
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#5
Hi this is Arachnophobia/Formerly Jar Man. Well i used that expression based upon the idea that a pheonix's tears are thought to be able to heal wounds. I find you're question tough to answer, but generally i felt the expression could fit well there. Thanks!
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Redefined
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#6
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Ye I know about tears of a Phoenix that is why I didn't understand why you used it the way you did.
(Original post by Jar Man)
his wounds bleeding, sodden, like the tears of a phoenix.
Are you saying his wounds are healing himself or somebody? His blood is like the tears of a phoenix therefore, his blood is healing something? See I don't understand that bit :confused:

In general though I like it
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Artemidoros.
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#7
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Hah, oh well, considering I am 15 my brain isn't yet mature enough to be able to explain this rather baffling expression!
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Anthony Arundel
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#8
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Signature's just changed, by the way. I'm very fickle with my signature. I still very much like the piece though.
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Wonderboy Blue
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#9
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#9
Overpoetic/Overdramatic for me. Paragraphs are short, not much <real> detail, just abstract imagery. You like MGS or something?

Either make it longer, or cut it up into a poem. Or leave it if you want to. In my opinion, it could be better.
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