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What to do?

I'll keep this short and sweet. My best friend is a guy. He's quite laidback, quiet, political and very bright to the point that most people avoid him like the plague. We have a very close friendship and I can talk to him about pretty much anything knowing I'll get comfort or reassurance about opinions and choices. We've known each other about five months or so now. I used to fancy him quite a bit and he gave off a lot of mixed signals, he'd do stuff like lean in to talk to me and make it intense, hug me lingeringly and stuff. I told him straight out that I liked him and where was our friendship going - he told me he loved our friendship but it was going no further than that and was really serious and sort of careful about that - he got that it bothered me a little.

We're fairly affectionate - in that he's affectionate. I'm used to him putting his arm around me when we watch movies, play with my hair, rub my arm and stuff but lately he's got more affectionate than ever. Our hands were linked one day and we were just sitting in silence when he lifted my hand and kissed my fingertips for a second - when I lean forward, he puts his hand on my back, he'll push up my teeshirt sleeve when we're sitting to draw circles on my bare arm. I dunno quite how to handle it - he was categorical that he didn't fancy me and he's not gay. What do I do? What on earth is up with him?

Reply 1

Mangaroo

1 - Stand up
2 - Pout
3 - Slap him
4 - Tell him to make his mind up already!

Reply 2

cookiecrumble

Maybe what he's saying is what he actually feels and there are no hidden messages there?

Seems to me as tho he really likes you a lot seeing as he is so affectionate with you he must love you to bits but doesn't want to cross the friendship border,

Then again, he could be gay and just not ready to tell you yet.

Or maybe he has other things holding him back like family or past experiences?

Try to talk to him again and ease out what he feels, maybe his feelings have changed and he does want a relationship but doesnt know if you still do?

Or maybe he's just a touchy feely type person i dont know theres so many MaYbes with this one!

Best thing to do is ask him straight so your not constantly wondering, he knows you like him so it wont come as a shock - get him to spell it out

x

Reply 3

envious

Well, if he has told you catergorically that he doesn't want anything romantic to develop between you then I guess you've just got to accept that that's truly the way he feels even if his behaviour often suggests otherwise. I think when you really like someone it is really tempting to think that they may secretly like you too or they may be confused about their feelings.

Your description of his behaviour does however sound incredibly flirtacious, especially when he knows how you feel about him. This could suggest that perhaps he has changed his mind about fancying you but equally could just be a symptom of him needing physical contact/ someone to play around with and I guess he knows that you're not gonna stop him or get mad because he knows you like him.

My advice would be to ask him again about how he feels afterall you did say that his behaviour has changed recently so perhaps his feelings for you have too. Even if he says that he still only wants friendship from this relationship at least you will know for sure and you will not constantly be wondering about it. If this is the case then I think you should maybe reconsider the type of friendship you have with this guy. It sounds like it is causing a lot of confusion and insecurity in your life and both are not good things. I'm not suggesting cut him out of your life completely but instead maybe limit the time you spend with him and the physical contact. You may find with more distance your relationship becomes clearer and easier to define. :smile:

Reply 4

bright star

how long ago was it that he told you he wasn't interested because people's feelings change? how about when you're getting all close you just lean in and kiss him. you'd soon find out how he felt.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

A lot of factors have changed recently. One - I lost a lot of weight in the last couple of months - I've gone from a size sixteen in January to now being a size 10/12. (which kinda bothers me if its affected him) Two we shared a lot of personal stuff this past couple of weeks, and three, it was early February when we had the discussion. As for reading too much into it - that's what I'm thinking I'm doing; I wanted there to be more at one point, but I was pretty comfortable with how things were. I'm not sure I'd want it to go further, tbh because we're leaving so soon. As for what he's doing... He's usually close to girls rather than guys but I'm good friends with his last best friend and she's pretty disturbed.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Oh and as for the leaning in and kissing him part? Never been kissed. Don't know what to do. Plus he does the intense, moment before kissing thing anyway and I mis-called it before.

Reply 7

strawberry

Mangaroo

1 - Stand up
2 - Pout
3 - Slap him
4 - Tell him to make his mind up already!

couldn't have said it better myself. :P and about the kissing thing? don't worry, I was clueless about kissing when my ex wanted to kiss me so....it's not that bad. :P

maybe he's gay?

Navajo

maybe he's gay?

He's either very sweet and definitely a good guy :smile:

, or gay

Reply 10

Lillybut

i want him as my friend :love:

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

Don't think he's gay... He's had a sort of girlfriend before and judging by his reaction to half naked women in films - attention wandering from maths homework to the screen - He's straight.

Reply 12

lou p lou

next time he does it, ask him straight out whether he likes you, and if he doesn't ask him what the hell he's playing at cos mind games aren't fun.

lou xxx

Reply 13

andy_c

Yeah, you need to ask him straight out about this. Don't let him avoid the question, as that's the only way you'll really find out. If he's not interested, then make it clear his 'advances' / flirting is not appropiate.

Reply 14

Zoecb

I think he does fancy you. That's quite affectionate stuff you're describing.

Reply 15

Anonymous #2

Funny enuf, i was in a similar uncertain situation a year ago, n after a month of tht kind of behaviour, it went beyond the limits of "friends" n we had to face it out. i'd always said i didnt want anything more than friends, but i was just being stubborn. we had an uncomfortable week or so till we had no choice but to talk about it... but it helped a lot to have things clearly spelled out. i say talk 2 him next time that kind of behaviour recurs

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