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Alcoholism
My dad is an alcoholic and although i love him dearly and try to understand why he has to drink himself stupid each night, I have had enough. Drinking makes him nasty and on occasions violent and abusive, his drinking has to an extent ruined mine and my brother and sisters childhood not to mention blighted years of my mothers life. Life got so unbearable i started self harming as a coping strategy and my brother aged 14 now has violent tendencies. Does anyone know any ways to help people stop drinking, i feel that he is being so selfish and that if he truly loved his family would stop if he could see the irreversible harm being done.
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Reply 1
I've been there.
If you need to talk to someone I can definately help.
The history of my mothers alcoholism is long a dreadful... and unfortunately it did not end happily for her. What you are describing IS my childhood!
You need to look after yourself and your family. Your father is unlikely to get better and you need to prepare yourself for the grim reality of his situation.
The way you cope is by focussing on what you need to do in YOUR life to make sure that he doesn't **** up your chance of making something of yourself. Focus on the fundamentals. Buckle down at school/college and make sure you put yourself in a position to get out of there once it comes to university entry.
You also need to look after your family...
You can't control anything. You can't protect them. But you can be there to listen to them and support them.
It seems to me that your brother really wants to hit your father and he is taking it out on others. Ideally he should be talking to people about his situation and releasing his anxiety in healthy ways. By crying or even by punching a safer object.
If you need ANYTHING feel free to get in touch. I've been there and I know how difficult it is! Unfortunately there are no easy answers to your problem, but I have MUCH more to say about how we tried to help my mother.
*hugs* - James
If you need to talk to someone I can definately help.
The history of my mothers alcoholism is long a dreadful... and unfortunately it did not end happily for her. What you are describing IS my childhood!
You need to look after yourself and your family. Your father is unlikely to get better and you need to prepare yourself for the grim reality of his situation.
The way you cope is by focussing on what you need to do in YOUR life to make sure that he doesn't **** up your chance of making something of yourself. Focus on the fundamentals. Buckle down at school/college and make sure you put yourself in a position to get out of there once it comes to university entry.
You also need to look after your family...
You can't control anything. You can't protect them. But you can be there to listen to them and support them.
It seems to me that your brother really wants to hit your father and he is taking it out on others. Ideally he should be talking to people about his situation and releasing his anxiety in healthy ways. By crying or even by punching a safer object.
If you need ANYTHING feel free to get in touch. I've been there and I know how difficult it is! Unfortunately there are no easy answers to your problem, but I have MUCH more to say about how we tried to help my mother.
*hugs* - James
Reply 2
I really do sympathise. My dads alcoholism was a huge factor in the divorce that is currently going through my parents solicitors. For your dad to see what his drinking is causing, he is going to need a wakeup call. It's all well and good people telling him he has a problem, but he has to see it himself and see the effect on the people he loves. I know how the violence thing feels, I still have vivid memories of his wielding a knife two years ago, and I think I will picture this for a long time yet.
your dad will only start getting better and recovering when he admits to himself that their is a problem, then realises he needs to get help, and then finally, commits himself to recovery. there is no quick way about it, someone can not just stop someone from drinking if they have an alcohol problem. you, your siblings and your mum need to concentrate on making sure you're all safe, and that if it gets too much you have somewhere safe you can go to. he may or may not realise the damage he is doing to your family, but its very hard to see that kind of thing when you're addicted to something as, generally, all you're worried about is the drink.
you mentioned self harm... how is that all now? as often, in times of stress, coping methods can return... if it is an issue, you need to take control of that as it is a problem. go to your doctor/school or uni counsellor, or even phone a help line at first to get some help and talk about how the problems with your dad are affecting you. not how their affecting him- he is an grown man and can take care of himself- but how they're affecting you.
its ok to think that your dad is selfish, i used to think that when mine lived with us, and i still do think that 8 years on. its ok to question whether he loves you too... i know that kills so much and i can emphasise so much, i've been there and i still am in that position... i self harmed too, for 7 years- don't suffer in silence, tell someone.
if you need anyone, just PM me. it hurts, well hurt isn't the word to describe the pain, but it can get better x
you mentioned self harm... how is that all now? as often, in times of stress, coping methods can return... if it is an issue, you need to take control of that as it is a problem. go to your doctor/school or uni counsellor, or even phone a help line at first to get some help and talk about how the problems with your dad are affecting you. not how their affecting him- he is an grown man and can take care of himself- but how they're affecting you.
its ok to think that your dad is selfish, i used to think that when mine lived with us, and i still do think that 8 years on. its ok to question whether he loves you too... i know that kills so much and i can emphasise so much, i've been there and i still am in that position... i self harmed too, for 7 years- don't suffer in silence, tell someone.
if you need anyone, just PM me. it hurts, well hurt isn't the word to describe the pain, but it can get better x
Reply 4
Thanx for all the support, especially as i dont feel able to talk to my friends about it- they all seem to have the perfect families so wouldn’t understand the pure misery. Its nice to know ur not the only one who suffers like this.
The situation has got slightly better compared to a few years ago when i can remember vividly as an 11 year old desperately trying to break a door down to stop my dad strangling my mum ( among other incidences ). Thankfully now there’s little violence, he’s made a promise to himself i think to never hurt any of us again but the damage it caused can never be repaired.
James u are completely right about my brother hes really angry but cant explain it to my dad so bottles it up.
The self harm is getting better, but sometimes i feel so overwhelmed by it all and it seems the only way to deal with such complex emotions. I still have visible scars but haven’t hurt myself in months.
The situation has got slightly better compared to a few years ago when i can remember vividly as an 11 year old desperately trying to break a door down to stop my dad strangling my mum ( among other incidences ). Thankfully now there’s little violence, he’s made a promise to himself i think to never hurt any of us again but the damage it caused can never be repaired.
James u are completely right about my brother hes really angry but cant explain it to my dad so bottles it up.
The self harm is getting better, but sometimes i feel so overwhelmed by it all and it seems the only way to deal with such complex emotions. I still have visible scars but haven’t hurt myself in months.
Reply 5
i know exactly what you are talking about, i am living it right now, and will be untill i move out. i dont really wanna talk about it in front of everyone so pm if you ever wanna talk, it helps so much more when someone understands.
Reply 6
I don't have experience with self-harm. It sounds really dreadful and you can't cope with this by yourself.
It seems to me that most of the time when we are dealing with something as difficult as this. We try to remain strong, we bottle it up - and perhaps these bottled up emotions could lead us to get overly angry, to punch walls (as my own brother used to do) or to self-harm.
You are not an island, you don't have to cope with this by yourself, you are not responsible for the wellbeing of your father.
...and even with your family, who you care about dearly - you know that you canot be there for them unless you sort yourself out first. Ultimately you must look after yourself and then you can return to the fold and look after the rest of your family.
It seems to me that most of the time when we are dealing with something as difficult as this. We try to remain strong, we bottle it up - and perhaps these bottled up emotions could lead us to get overly angry, to punch walls (as my own brother used to do) or to self-harm.
You are not an island, you don't have to cope with this by yourself, you are not responsible for the wellbeing of your father.
...and even with your family, who you care about dearly - you know that you canot be there for them unless you sort yourself out first. Ultimately you must look after yourself and then you can return to the fold and look after the rest of your family.
Reply 7
i dont have any personal experience of your problem, but woul recommend u drink urself stupid every nite so u dont notice all the bad stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply 8
Oh for god's sake... you really are unhelpful in the extreme, and quite possibly incurring more damage, stop being anonymous so I can neg rep you...
sophisti_kate
Oh for god's sake... you really are unhelpful in the extreme, and quite possibly incurring more damage, stop being anonymous so I can neg rep you...
i dont have any personal experience of your problem, but woul recommend u drink urself stupid every nite so u dont notice all the bad stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then you don't know what it's like for people who have to deal with the effects of alcoholism every day.
Reply 10
Both my parents are alcoholics, though my Mum handles her drink much better than my Dad does.
I generally just keep right out of the way once my Dad's drunk, by staying in my room and just going downstairs to eat.
It's so frustrating that they refuse to give up even though they can see how much it upsets me and my brother. It feels like they don't care about us enough, and it's awful to see your parents being the weak ones, when they're meant to be the examples to you. It's really unsettling.
My Dad's never been very violent (though I think he once hit my Mum) but he gets horrifically angry and shouts the house down most nights, before falling asleep on the couch.
It also worries me that they're probably going to end up dying a lot earlier than they should (coupled with the fact they both smoke heavily).
I often worry that I'm going to end up like them, as if it's hereditary or something, but as someone else on this thread said, the most important thing is to not let it get in the way of your life, hard as that might be. Remember your life is exactly that, your life, and your Dad has no right to ruin it.
I also used to self-harm, so I can relate to you there too. You definitely need to get help, try and see a therapist or something. Or at the very least tell someone how you feel, it's good to get it all out, and the may be able to help you, whether that just be to deal with your emotions, or to get out the situation completely. It sounds as if your siblings would also benefit from this. Just speak to any adult you feel close to, relative, teacher, etc. You won't regret it.
It also may be an idea to speak to your Dad while he's sober and explain how much he's hurting you and your family. Mind you, I do that with my parents but they always change the subject. Worth a shot though.
I generally just keep right out of the way once my Dad's drunk, by staying in my room and just going downstairs to eat.
It's so frustrating that they refuse to give up even though they can see how much it upsets me and my brother. It feels like they don't care about us enough, and it's awful to see your parents being the weak ones, when they're meant to be the examples to you. It's really unsettling.
My Dad's never been very violent (though I think he once hit my Mum) but he gets horrifically angry and shouts the house down most nights, before falling asleep on the couch.
It also worries me that they're probably going to end up dying a lot earlier than they should (coupled with the fact they both smoke heavily).
I often worry that I'm going to end up like them, as if it's hereditary or something, but as someone else on this thread said, the most important thing is to not let it get in the way of your life, hard as that might be. Remember your life is exactly that, your life, and your Dad has no right to ruin it.
I also used to self-harm, so I can relate to you there too. You definitely need to get help, try and see a therapist or something. Or at the very least tell someone how you feel, it's good to get it all out, and the may be able to help you, whether that just be to deal with your emotions, or to get out the situation completely. It sounds as if your siblings would also benefit from this. Just speak to any adult you feel close to, relative, teacher, etc. You won't regret it.
It also may be an idea to speak to your Dad while he's sober and explain how much he's hurting you and your family. Mind you, I do that with my parents but they always change the subject. Worth a shot though.
Reply 11
Helen w - I've seen that join date of Jan 1970 somewhere before...that might give us a clue as to who it is...
Reply 12
sophisti_kate
Helen w - I've seen that join date of Jan 1970 somewhere before...that might give us a clue as to who it is...
yes anonymous
Reply 13
I have been through it all too, with my dad it was not about the quantity but more about the way he does it, the lies, the hiding etc.
It just becomes a normal part of life but it makes you a stronger person in the end. I can enjoy a healthy attitude to drink now.
It just becomes a normal part of life but it makes you a stronger person in the end. I can enjoy a healthy attitude to drink now.
Reply 14
AT82
I have been through it all too, with my dad it was not about the quantity but more about the way he does it, the lies, the hiding etc.
It just becomes a normal part of life but it makes you a stronger person in the end. I can enjoy a healthy attitude to drink now.
It just becomes a normal part of life but it makes you a stronger person in the end. I can enjoy a healthy attitude to drink now.
exactly if i didnt go through all this stuff now i would be such a diffrent person, really nieve and stuff like that, head in the clouds all the time etc.
but when i got drunk i called my sister (big big big mistake) and she gave me a talk a few days later that made me feel really bed for getting drunk, she doenst want me to end up like my mum or one of those girls that can only go out and get drunk to have fun. but thankfully when im drunk i dont get angrey which also will not be happening anytime soon.
Reply 15
I'm sad to say that unless your dad admits he has a problem then no one can help him not even his loved ones or himself
Reply 16
Anonymous
i dont have any personal experience of your problem, but woul recommend u drink urself stupid every nite so u dont notice all the bad stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry ignore that, I told my brother to read all the suggestions as i thought it might help him- i.e talk about it. However he was obv. annoyed with me for sharing although anon 'his' family problems, so decided to be an idiot. His way of dealing with stuff thou.
I know I have no power to stop the drinking, but i wish there wasa way to stop it or at least try, as its ruined a lot of my childhood. I can remember my big sister once trying to throw away all the beer - as if that worked.
Reply 17
Heh, yeah, alky parents - annoying isn't it? Just hang in there until you're old enough to leave, to be honest it never really gets better. On the plus side, when you DO finally get away from it, it's an amazing feeling.
AT82
I have been through it all too, with my dad it was not about the quantity but more about the way he does it, the lies, the hiding etc.
It just becomes a normal part of life but it makes you a stronger person in the end. I can enjoy a healthy attitude to drink now.
It just becomes a normal part of life but it makes you a stronger person in the end. I can enjoy a healthy attitude to drink now.
Quite
Look at it as a positive step to you not making any same mistakes.
I'm sure evryone has advice on this issue, but you just mainly need to blank it out and let him get on with it.
When your father states 'So what if you are calling me an alcoholic' then there is nowhere to go.
Symptons of bad alcoholism:
- Their skin gets almost yellow
- They age very quickly
- Shake
- Can normally spit blood when coughing
If you think that's bad - I've been waiting for my Dad to kill over for the last 15 years. Sad but true. Its a miracle how he's lasted to 50.
In order for him to do a job - he needs a can in the morning to stop the shakes, so that kind of puts it into perspective.
Reply 19
It is nothing like that bad, but there was a time when I phoned the police when I knew had had two bottles of white lightening and he was driving. They did nothing but at least I knew that if he had killed a child my concious was clear.
I always take the ignition fuse out now when that happens, it is rare but it does happen.
My dad can go for months without a drink but once he crosses the line it ends up being a daily thing again.
With my dad it is the games he is addicted to rather than the drink, the drink is just an excuse to play the games.
I always take the ignition fuse out now when that happens, it is rare but it does happen.
My dad can go for months without a drink but once he crosses the line it ends up being a daily thing again.
With my dad it is the games he is addicted to rather than the drink, the drink is just an excuse to play the games.
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