favouritism+depression=procrastination

Hi everyone,

I'll try to keep this brief: I am a 19 Scottish girl and currently I am at university studying maths. I get excellent grades and recently I have won a grant to study at an American University over the summer hols. This is all lovely.

The problem is, that when I return home for the holidays, I get overwhelmingly depressed. In my parents' eyes, my brother (22) is an out-and-out failure - he is constantly between jobs, smokes, drinks, sleeps around, lies, has just got engaged to a 16 year old girl none of us have ever met and rows with my folks all the time.

As a result, I have become their 'little angel'. They are very proud of me and tell everyone that I get good grades etc and I'm going to make something of my life, whereas my brother will 'end up living off the state like a bum'. There is always very negative tension in the house.

The depression hits me as soon as I go through the front door and drop my suitcase. My dad and mum aren't getting on as well, my brother always has something going on and consequently I find it difficult to relax or concentrate on my work, even when the house is empty.

I have also just broken up with my boyfriend of 2 years, and although the pain is still immense, my family think that the pain has gone just because I've won this grant.

I cry myself to sleep every night. I need to do my work, as the deadlines are approaching but I can't help procrastinating.

Please help me, any advice much appreciated :frown:

Reply 1

chel

It is difficult to give advice on this kind of thing, i do really feel for your situation, i know what it is like to have people just assume that because you get good grades everything is rosy and your going to do really well in your life (my whole uni path at the moment was chosen on the basis that my parents thought it was the right way to go to do 'as well as i can do").
The only thing i can say is that you need to start thinking of yourself more, do the work for you and not for your parents or anyone else. maybe you could try to use your depression at home as an incentive to do well so that you can go away over the summer and not have to be at home. and so that you get a good degree and a job so that you can set up a life for yourself away from your family problems.
good luck

Reply 2

gideon2000uk

9

You need to talk to your parents. It might even help to talk to your brother. I can't emphasise how much talking about a problem can help to put things in perspective!

In order to make yourself work you should write yourself a plan. Work out how many days you have and draw a grid, with each box representing a day.

Set yourself achievable tasks and make sure you give yourself days off.

I hope you start to feel better.

*hugs*

James

Reply 3

~nat~

1

I take it your brother still lives with your parents... do you think that the main factor of all of this negative tension within your house is centrered around your borther, i.e. if he sorted himself out, then do you think that the added problems such as your mum and dad rowing wouldn't existo r be such an issue? If so, then you need to talk to your parents - tell them how you're feeling and what you think may be the cause of this. They no doubt love you, and chances are aren't fully aware of how you are or the extent to how down you are feeling and all of the causes of it... it's unfair for your brother and his situation to affect you so much, and perhaps it would be best if they gave him an ultimatum. It's not your job to do so, it is theirs.

If you find it too difficult to approach your parents, perhaps by visiting them at home less will not only give you a chance to breathe but make them realise the effect all of this is having on you.

Are you happy that you have won this grant? Do you feel pressured to take this up, or is it something that you have wanted to do all along?

I'm really sorry that you're feeling so down at the moment :hugs:

but you need to make your parents aware of this. You're clearly a very talented person, but its the home environment which is affecting you. As a temporary/short-term help, perhaps get your work done away from home so you meet the approaching deadlines, if you can't possibly get an extension, and once you have a bit more space sort all of this out at home.

Reply 4

Redefined

13

I guess, sorry, your just gonna have to grit your teeth and get stuck in. If you are unable to concentrate on work at home then go to a public library or something similar to study.

Reply 5

morkandmindy

OP

It just seems so deep and complicated I don't know where to begin.

My brother has always been in trouble with my parents. He bunked off school, he constantly got into fights, he makes up stories, he backchats my parents all the time. A few years ago he slashed his wrists and tried to hang himself in his bedroom (my father and I found him) but it was just a cry for attention. In the note he left he said that he was finally 'doing something right to please my dad'. My father hasn't really forgiven him for this.

I have never been close to him, but I feel that this downward spiral isn't going to stop for my brother. When I go home I feel under pressure to change who I am - if I read a book, watch a documentary, listen to classical music, study or attempt an intelligent conversation with anybody my brother accuses me of trying to belittle him and make him feel stupid. When we argue, he just says 'Why don't you just go back to York (uni), and stick with all your snobby mates. I wish you'd never come home again.' It hurts me so much.

I have worked so hard for this grant and I am over the moon that I have got it, but I am worried about everything at home to be honest. I feel as though I haven't got a solid family life or a family home where I am welcome, which in turn is affecting my motivation for everything. I used to confide in my boyfriend about things, but we aren't speaking anymore.