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I'm a virgin, she's not (interested in Indian people's replies)
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There's a girl that I like and she likes me as well.
I've lived in England most my life, but I've also lived in India for a several years when I was young. The culture when I was there was that virtually nobody had sex until marriage and it was all rather taboo. It's changed a lot since then, but it's still expected in Indian culture that people wait till marriage. I personally want to wait until engagement at least. I had a long relationship before where we controlled ourselves.
This girl that I like thought that she was in love with her boyfriend and was going to marry him. He pressurised her into having sex and then since then they've done it several times. She's just moved from India to England, having spent most her life there.
Now my problem isn't really the fact that she's not a virgin. If I had had sex before, this relationship would be fine because we'd be at the same stage. My problem is that I think if we got together, we'd be at different stages. If we did end up getting married or something and had sex, it'd be like nothing was new for her. Every single thing she'll have done already with some other guy, so for me the specialness would be ruined. I know that it's just one night which is usually not that great anyway, but I do have a romanticised version of sex and for me I feel I'd be losing out on something that's really important to me. Every time I picture myself doing something to her, I feel like "you've already done this with him" and I truly resent her boyfriend.
Is this a bad reason to not have a relationship with her? I know that the majority of answers will be "yes" because most people won't really understand Indian culture + most people won't understand that I AM NOT AGAINST SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE.
I've lived in England most my life, but I've also lived in India for a several years when I was young. The culture when I was there was that virtually nobody had sex until marriage and it was all rather taboo. It's changed a lot since then, but it's still expected in Indian culture that people wait till marriage. I personally want to wait until engagement at least. I had a long relationship before where we controlled ourselves.
This girl that I like thought that she was in love with her boyfriend and was going to marry him. He pressurised her into having sex and then since then they've done it several times. She's just moved from India to England, having spent most her life there.
Now my problem isn't really the fact that she's not a virgin. If I had had sex before, this relationship would be fine because we'd be at the same stage. My problem is that I think if we got together, we'd be at different stages. If we did end up getting married or something and had sex, it'd be like nothing was new for her. Every single thing she'll have done already with some other guy, so for me the specialness would be ruined. I know that it's just one night which is usually not that great anyway, but I do have a romanticised version of sex and for me I feel I'd be losing out on something that's really important to me. Every time I picture myself doing something to her, I feel like "you've already done this with him" and I truly resent her boyfriend.
Is this a bad reason to not have a relationship with her? I know that the majority of answers will be "yes" because most people won't really understand Indian culture + most people won't understand that I AM NOT AGAINST SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE.
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What I'm really looking for is someone to give me a well thought-out, logical argument for why it's ok to be at different stages in terms of sexual history and why I shouldn't think stuff like "she already did this act with him and that and that and that" all the time.
What I'm not really looking for are short, not very well thought out answers like "sex is not a big deal, if you like her really you should move past this and not let it affect you".
What I'm not really looking for are short, not very well thought out answers like "sex is not a big deal, if you like her really you should move past this and not let it affect you".
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#3
I'm Indian, and very well understand Indian culture, but tbh this isn't to do with culture. This is a bad reason to not have a relationship with her, to be honest it seems like it's somewhat to do with your ego. If the roles were reversed, you would be fine with sleeping with her, right? Why can't sex be romantic AND be had by one partner before being engaged, especially if she was in a relationship with someone she thought was going to marry?
Your whole paragraph on why you say you aren't comfortable with her not being a virgin and the fact you're at "different stages" has nothing to do with culture, more so that you're worried you won't be special or 'good' enough. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is just what seems apparent from your post.
Your whole paragraph on why you say you aren't comfortable with her not being a virgin and the fact you're at "different stages" has nothing to do with culture, more so that you're worried you won't be special or 'good' enough. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is just what seems apparent from your post.
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#4
Trust me....the first time in general.....at least in my case was not that romantic or special. It is probably the most underwhelming experience of all time.
Actually, maybe it is a good thing that she has had sex before. Having sex with someone that knows what they are doing is a way better.
Actually, maybe it is a good thing that she has had sex before. Having sex with someone that knows what they are doing is a way better.
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#5
(Original post by Anonymous)
What I'm really looking for is someone to give me a well thought-out, logical argument for why it's ok to be at different stages in terms of sexual history and why I shouldn't think stuff like "she already did this act with him and that and that and that" all the time.
What I'm not really looking for are short, not very well thought out answers like "sex is not a big deal, if you like her really you should move past this and not let it affect you".
What I'm really looking for is someone to give me a well thought-out, logical argument for why it's ok to be at different stages in terms of sexual history and why I shouldn't think stuff like "she already did this act with him and that and that and that" all the time.
What I'm not really looking for are short, not very well thought out answers like "sex is not a big deal, if you like her really you should move past this and not let it affect you".
You say it isn't a big deal because you don't care about sex before marriage and then you say it is a big deal if she has had sex.
So as you say ......She had sex. Big deal. Get over it.
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(Original post by FuzzySheep)
I'm Indian, and very well understand Indian culture, but tbh this isn't to do with culture. This is a bad reason to not have a relationship with her, to be honest it seems like it's somewhat to do with your ego. If the roles were reversed, you would be fine with sleeping with her, right? Why can't sex be romantic AND be had by one partner before being engaged, especially if she was in a relationship with someone she thought was going to marry?
Your whole paragraph on why you say you aren't comfortable with her not being a virgin and the fact you're at "different stages" has nothing to do with culture, more so that you're worried you won't be special or 'good' enough. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is just what seems apparent from your post.
I'm Indian, and very well understand Indian culture, but tbh this isn't to do with culture. This is a bad reason to not have a relationship with her, to be honest it seems like it's somewhat to do with your ego. If the roles were reversed, you would be fine with sleeping with her, right? Why can't sex be romantic AND be had by one partner before being engaged, especially if she was in a relationship with someone she thought was going to marry?
Your whole paragraph on why you say you aren't comfortable with her not being a virgin and the fact you're at "different stages" has nothing to do with culture, more so that you're worried you won't be special or 'good' enough. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is just what seems apparent from your post.
If the roles were reversed, I would be perfectly fine with her turning me down for having sex. In fact, for the majority of the time I've known her, I thought she had never done anything and would turn me down for some of the stuff I've done in the past. If she didn't turn me down, yes I would be fine with the relationship, and I would regret having sex in the past, but it's not something I could change (just like she can't now).
The reason why it can't be romantic is the fact that I'd be making it all special with flowers and candles and stuff and all I'll be thinking about it that "well, this is pointless since I'm just doing it for me effectively". Then during the physical act, at each stage all I'll be thinking about is how her boyfriend used to do this thing to her. I'm sorry but that's just how I am/how I feel.
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(Original post by DorianGrayism)
Trust me....the first time in general.....at least in my case was not that romantic or special. It is probably the most underwhelming experience of all time.
Actually, maybe it is a good thing that she has had sex before. Having sex with someone that knows what they are doing is a way better.
Trust me....the first time in general.....at least in my case was not that romantic or special. It is probably the most underwhelming experience of all time.
Actually, maybe it is a good thing that she has had sex before. Having sex with someone that knows what they are doing is a way better.
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#9
(Original post by Anonymous)
The culture thing does bother me, but it's something I've got over. My view on the culture thing is that it shows a weakness on her side for giving in too easily, but ok we all make mistakes and she regrets it and he really pressurised her. I've moved past the culture thing, but honestly it does affect me.
If the roles were reversed, I would be perfectly fine with her turning me down for having sex. In fact, for the majority of the time I've known her, I thought she had never done anything and would turn me down for some of the stuff I've done in the past. If she didn't turn me down, yes I would be fine with the relationship, and I would regret having sex in the past, but it's not something I could change (just like she can't now).
The reason why it can't be romantic is the fact that I'd be making it all special with flowers and candles and stuff and all I'll be thinking about it that "well, this is pointless since I'm just doing it for me effectively". Then during the physical act, at each stage all I'll be thinking about is how her boyfriend used to do this thing to her. I'm sorry but that's just how I am/how I feel.
The culture thing does bother me, but it's something I've got over. My view on the culture thing is that it shows a weakness on her side for giving in too easily, but ok we all make mistakes and she regrets it and he really pressurised her. I've moved past the culture thing, but honestly it does affect me.
If the roles were reversed, I would be perfectly fine with her turning me down for having sex. In fact, for the majority of the time I've known her, I thought she had never done anything and would turn me down for some of the stuff I've done in the past. If she didn't turn me down, yes I would be fine with the relationship, and I would regret having sex in the past, but it's not something I could change (just like she can't now).
The reason why it can't be romantic is the fact that I'd be making it all special with flowers and candles and stuff and all I'll be thinking about it that "well, this is pointless since I'm just doing it for me effectively". Then during the physical act, at each stage all I'll be thinking about is how her boyfriend used to do this thing to her. I'm sorry but that's just how I am/how I feel.
I think you need to stop thinking that she'll compare you and whoever she was with in the past. This genuinely seems to be the fundamental problem. You will not be less loved or wanted by her, and she will not place value on sex with him higher than with you, if you are a better, more understanding, caring and loving partner (which I'm sure you would be).
I was a virgin when I met my boyfriend, and he had a couple of long term girlfriends before me who he had slept with. Honestly, I understand why you would think she would see you as someone secondary, because I was the same, but really - isn't it the actual relationship which makes the sex worthwhile and different? If you both have a good relationship and are happy together, then you will very easily come to terms with her not being a virgin, as I did.
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(Original post by FuzzySheep)
Surely she would enjoy non-pressurised, romantic sex in comparison to pressurised sex? So a non-virgin can't appreciate romantic sex as much as a virgin can?
I think you need to stop thinking that she'll compare you and whoever she was with in the past. This genuinely seems to be the fundamental problem. You will not be less loved or wanted by her, and she will not place value on sex with him higher than with you, if you are a better, more understanding, caring and loving partner (which I'm sure you would be).
I was a virgin when I met my boyfriend, and he had a couple of long term girlfriends before me who he had slept with. Honestly, I understand why you would think she would see you as someone secondary, because I was the same, but really - isn't it the actual relationship which makes the sex worthwhile and different? If you both have a good relationship and are happy together, then you will very easily come to terms with her not being a virgin, as I did.
Surely she would enjoy non-pressurised, romantic sex in comparison to pressurised sex? So a non-virgin can't appreciate romantic sex as much as a virgin can?
I think you need to stop thinking that she'll compare you and whoever she was with in the past. This genuinely seems to be the fundamental problem. You will not be less loved or wanted by her, and she will not place value on sex with him higher than with you, if you are a better, more understanding, caring and loving partner (which I'm sure you would be).
I was a virgin when I met my boyfriend, and he had a couple of long term girlfriends before me who he had slept with. Honestly, I understand why you would think she would see you as someone secondary, because I was the same, but really - isn't it the actual relationship which makes the sex worthwhile and different? If you both have a good relationship and are happy together, then you will very easily come to terms with her not being a virgin, as I did.
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#11
(Original post by Anonymous)
I know where you're coming from, but honestly it's not the competition against the guy which bothers me. Frankly, I'm a bit arrogant and expect myself to be amazing haha. I also don't think that she'll be "hung up" on this guy as she wants to leave him, not the other way round.
I know where you're coming from, but honestly it's not the competition against the guy which bothers me. Frankly, I'm a bit arrogant and expect myself to be amazing haha. I also don't think that she'll be "hung up" on this guy as she wants to leave him, not the other way round.
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#12
(Original post by Anonymous)
The quality of sex in terms of pleasure the first time is not even a minor factor, let alone something I care about. I fully expect the first time to be extremely bad in terms of sexual pleasure.
The quality of sex in terms of pleasure the first time is not even a minor factor, let alone something I care about. I fully expect the first time to be extremely bad in terms of sexual pleasure.
I don't know what magical solution, you are expecting to find.
The problem is that YOU cannot accept that she has slept with someone else.
So, unless, you are going to get over it, or find someone else, then there is nothing you can do.
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#13
(Original post by Anonymous)
What I'm really looking for is someone to give me a well thought-out, logical argument for why it's ok to be at different stages in terms of sexual history and why I shouldn't think stuff like "she already did this act with him and that and that and that" all the time.
What I'm not really looking for are short, not very well thought out answers like "sex is not a big deal, if you like her really you should move past this and not let it affect you".
What I'm really looking for is someone to give me a well thought-out, logical argument for why it's ok to be at different stages in terms of sexual history and why I shouldn't think stuff like "she already did this act with him and that and that and that" all the time.
What I'm not really looking for are short, not very well thought out answers like "sex is not a big deal, if you like her really you should move past this and not let it affect you".
Keep in mind that she's only had sex with ONE guy, it's not like she's a grizzled veteran in the field of sex. Which is why I find it preposterous that you are suggesting that she'll have done "every single thing" with her ex already. And quite frankly, I don't see how the fact that she may have done something before affects how your first time is going to be. In fact, I'd see it as an advantage that at least one of you will know what they're doing, if anything that'll boost the chances of you having a good first time.
Also, your thinking here is very short term. In the long run, in the context of an entire relationship, your first time will be pretty insignificant. Why let that get in the way of what could potentially be years of happiness after?
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#14
You need to change the way you think. I mean you said that you've done stuff as well. If you both are in love and she does those things to you would you think it's worthless and she's wasting her time, because you have already done it? Probably not.
The best things in life are enjoyable more than once. I mean you will be having sex more than just at the wedding night, but it will still be special. So in a way you have to get over her ex, so you could enjoy being wih her.
Posted from TSR Mobile
The best things in life are enjoyable more than once. I mean you will be having sex more than just at the wedding night, but it will still be special. So in a way you have to get over her ex, so you could enjoy being wih her.
Posted from TSR Mobile
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#16
Hey bro. Any updates on this? I'm similar to you kinda. Spent half of my life growing up here in the UK and half in India. I am 24 and never really had a gf, only had female friends. I never really thought about relationships and sex until graduating uni recently. I have been talking to an Indian girl lately and we gunna mert soon. I really like her but she told me she has a serious long term relationship before. This kinda putt me off and I dont know what to do. Any ideas?
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