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Being more/less attractive than your partner

Anonymous #1

I feel my bf is soooo gorgeous and a bit out of my league can anyone relate? How do you handle the situation|

Reply 1

Profesh

20

With the recognition that my partner deems me likewise. (Because she's bizarre like that.)

Reply 2

frappuccino

6

Don't ever ACT like they're out of your league otherwise they will begin to think so too. Both ppl have to be even! It's very easy to pick up on if your bf thinks you're out of his 'league'. But as long as you both really like each other I don't think you have to worry much.

Reply 3

Talya

16

My bf is so cute and I am like, bleuch... But after a while you stop thinking about it.

Also, don't let it dominate your actions! He's out with you so he must like you :smile:

Reply 4

Dutchess of Doncaster

If he's with you I'm sure he's thinking 'My girlfriend's soo gorgeous'.

Don't feel you need to compete, just enjoy the relationship

Reply 5

high priestess fnord

9

leagues dont exist. stop being superficial

Reply 6

Lucyvet2006

Haven't you guys ever seen 'Your face or mine?' What a great show, I miss it :frown:

.
Anyway until my boyfriend and I recently split up we were definately an unbalanced couple- him being the more attractive one. When we got together I thought- man you're miles out of my league, but hey he said that's what he thought + he was under the false impression I was good looking for the 15 or so months we were together! and still is as far as I know! Don't sweat it- just think yourself lucky.

Reply 7

pendragon

13

Everyone around me thought and sometimes said I could have done better than my ex, I think they were refering to her figure (she wasnt slim, she was just a tad overwieght, even I would acknowledge that if she had lost just a little bit of wieght she would have been more attractive and closer to perfection) but she had a very beautiful face I thought she was gorgeous and loved her loads. So I dont think it matters much really, if you dont let it, when we broke up I think I was more upset than she was, though in the early days the balance of our relationship gave me a lot more power.

Reply 8

clyn

1

Constantly question his motives for being with you, second guess what he's hoping to achieve by his every action and eventually become so paranoid you can't stand it anymore and begin spending more and more time on the student room and developing your wonderful personality. :biggrin:

Reply 9

MagicNMedicine

20

pendragons touched on 2 good points there

there is an unconscious power game which goes on if both partners think that one is more attractive than the other (and therefore has more options on the 'market' than the other) - although if both partners are confident in themselves this won't happen even if one is more attractive

it can cause paranoia in the one who considers themselves 'lesser'

however a more likely situation is that the friends of one partner will tell them that they 'could do better', which is an unfair thing to say and teh friends should mind their own business....it is more likely to be girls who do this in my experience, generally if a fella gets a new girl his mates will just say "nice one mate" and leave them to it, but girls can be judgemental about each others new boyfriends in the "ewww he doesn't do it for me", "what does SHE see in HIM??", "honey you could do SO much better"

Reply 10

pendragon

13

MagicNMedicine

there is an unconscious power game which goes on if both partners think that one is more attractive than the other (and therefore has more options on the 'market' than the other) - although if both partners are confident in themselves this won't happen even if one is more attractive

however a more likely situation is that the friends of one partner will tell them that they 'could do better', which is an unfair thing to say and teh friends should mind their own business....it is more likely to be girls who do this in my experience

My dad said it the most, though not directly to my face :biggrin:

Ok I am going to sound like the Machiavelli of the dating world now… I think all relationships involve a balance of power, at least on a subconscious level, and its almost impossible for power to be exactly equal. Women tend to concede the superficial facade of power to their man (let him think he is the king of the castle) but through control of that most valuable commodity sex (which usually triggers high male demand, and though some women have equal appetites for it they can more easily live without it) they have crucial bargaining power. And women tend to be better at the subtle art of manipulation over the most serious issues in the relationship. In the past the patriarchal structure of the male breadwinner and the female dependent gave ultimate power to the man, now this is mostly no longer the case, and even when women still do not work they do not face destitution and hunger if they divorce.

In the early stages of relationships people tend to negotiate and determine the balance of power relative to their objective appraisal of who is in the 'higher league' and who is more confident and independent or less confident and needier. Of course it fluctuates, the best situation for any person is that they have slightly more power than their partner, too great an imbalance will eventually cause resentment and a break-up, but while their is a slight imbalance is always better than you retain more control (this advice I am giving to people of both genders, although obviously it cannot be simultaneously achieved by both partners in a relationship). Many people who are in a happy contended loving relationship are quite happy to concede to their partner a slight power advantage and control, so long as their significant other never abuses this and devotes significant attention to treating them right and pleasuring them. In this situation a relationship can be strong and last a long time.

Reply 11

Biffy Clyro

12

Haven't you guys ever seen 'Your face or mine?' What a great show, I miss it .

That show was pretty class.. I felt so sorry for the people though. Especially when they had to decide between themselves who was better looking...

Anyway, My girlfriends more attractive than me (if we were to go on YFOM), but according to her she doesn't think so.. so its all good.

Reply 12

Anonymous #2

My g/f is way more attractive than i am, but she thinks i am more than she is. I think that you always think the person you are with is the most beautiful in the world as you are in love with them, so stop fretting and just be happy to be with someone so hot.

Reply 13

pendragon

13

Girls are better looking than guys full stop. Its commonplace to see better looking girls with less good looking guys. Men are less likely to be needy and insecure about this perhaps, but the main trouble seems to come when the guy is better looking than his girl.

Reply 14

Anonymous #3

Anonymous

I feel my bf is soooo gorgeous and a bit out of my league can anyone relate? How do you handle the situation|

same over here. aah i ve never gotten used to it. very hard to do. still jealous, still annoyed, still paranoid. situation wont change much - unless you start feeding him burgers and chips and wrap his face with bacon so he ll get spots and become fat.... u wont feel any better. obtion b) u start becoming a sex goddess and u exercise like mad all the time.. thats what ive been doing. my boyfriend was a handball champion and was a model for Versace & Armani ads. i still look at us in photos and go - **** i am so going to get dumped one day or the next. becareful it doesnt get the better of you.
when we started dating everyone was looking at me as if they wanted me dead. aarg :smile:

Reply 15

SamTheMan

17

As a guy, it's all about confidence. I used to think some of my exes were really attractive and way out of my league but thinking back, I had quite a bit going for me but had zero confidence.

There was that Channel 4 show on female sexuality which explained it quite well.
Apparently, who you're attracted to has a lot to do with ego and confidence and of course how that relates to hormones. Many women who are very confident and believe they deserve the "best" will go for guys with high levels of testosterone and who look virile: very tall, muscular guys. They don't go for them, simply because they were genetically programmed to be attracted to that kind of guy but because they are very confident, consider themselves as being attractive and want the "best".

pendragon

Girls are better looking than guys full stop. Its commonplace to see better looking girls with less good looking guys. Men are less likely to be needy and insecure about this perhaps, but the main trouble seems to come when the guy is better looking than his girl.

It's all about what you have to offer the opposite sex. Girls often look out for more than looks, that's all. That's why you see ugly guys with beautiful girls. If you see a not-so-attractive girl with an attractive guy, you can assume she has something personality-wise to offer the guy, which isn't related to anything physical. Or you could be a cynic and assume she's just great in bed...

high priestess fnord

leagues dont exist. stop being superficial

It's not about being superficial. A guy can be out of a girl's league because of his amazing charisma and personality.

I should know...

Reply 16

the_fridge

Anonymous

I feel my bf is soooo gorgeous and a bit out of my league can anyone relate? How do you handle the situation|

I know a couple .. actually an ex-couple....they were together for 8 years but she couldn't get over the fact that she is "out of his league" (which she from the superficial and shallow point of view kind of was) .. so she created this complex which highly affected both their daily and sexual life... consequently their relationship was doomed to end because she refused to see a counsellor and wouldn't change... I know that you're case might not be as extreme but I just wanted to give you a realistic example of what could happen if you leave such thoughts in your head..

Reply 17

high priestess fnord

9

i dont understand this. how can having a good looking bf be a bad thing?? the op makes it sound like its a problem.

Reply 18

bluedreamer

1

pendragon

Women tend to concede the superficial facade of power to their man (let him think he is the king of the castle) but through control of that most valuable commodity sex (which usually triggers high male demand, and though some women have equal appetites for it they can more easily live without it)