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My dad is having an affair
My parents have not been getting on well for the last couple of months. My dad has told my mum that he doesn't love her any more. My mum is very depressed about it.
I had something I needed to print off so I emailed it to my dad and went onto his computer to print it. When there I saw an email from a woman, which I obviously shouldn't have opened, but the subject line made it very noticeable. It was enough to make me suspicious I had to leave as my dad was coming back.
This afternoon I went back onto his email. (Don't moralise to me about this, I know I shouldn't have but I don't regret it.) They were all deleted, and from his deleted items box, but I searched the woman's name and found A LOT of emails sent and received. She lives in Germany and he's been seeing her when he's been over for 'work.' My mum doesn't know about this. (One of the emails said he hadn't told her.)
There were also a lot of a very sexual nature which was a bit of a shock. Understatement.
I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. WTF do I do? I don't feel I can tell my mum (she's already VERY depressed and told me last night she feels like a 'total failure') and I don't think I can confront him about it, but I can't keep this bottled up.
Any advice much appreciated.
I had something I needed to print off so I emailed it to my dad and went onto his computer to print it. When there I saw an email from a woman, which I obviously shouldn't have opened, but the subject line made it very noticeable. It was enough to make me suspicious I had to leave as my dad was coming back.
This afternoon I went back onto his email. (Don't moralise to me about this, I know I shouldn't have but I don't regret it.) They were all deleted, and from his deleted items box, but I searched the woman's name and found A LOT of emails sent and received. She lives in Germany and he's been seeing her when he's been over for 'work.' My mum doesn't know about this. (One of the emails said he hadn't told her.)
There were also a lot of a very sexual nature which was a bit of a shock. Understatement.
I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. WTF do I do? I don't feel I can tell my mum (she's already VERY depressed and told me last night she feels like a 'total failure') and I don't think I can confront him about it, but I can't keep this bottled up.
Any advice much appreciated.
Scroll to see replies
Reply 1
God, im so sorry, that's awful. I know it's not amazing advice but have you confronted your dad? I guess it depends on whether you think it will make it worse or better. I hope it all works out. Message me if you need to talk. Sorry i couldnt be more help xxx
Reply 2
Well it depends, telling your mum now will lead to more pain for her, but its obviously something you need to talk about. Ask your dad, confront your dad, ask him whats going on. But don't tell your mum yet. This is what i would do anyway.
Sorry if it isnt much help.
Sorry if it isnt much help.
youve got to take into consideration that your mum will find out sooner or later, is it better she finds out now when shes upset about him not loving her or when shes got over it. if you tell her now then at least she will have a reason and be able to understand, if you tell her later when shes better then she will just get worse all over again...you know your mum what would she prefer, also put yourself in her shoes what would you want?
Reply 4
Will she find out? I don't know. My dad's probably leaving anyway.
Oh Jesus. My little sister is in the house and I don't want her to know so I'm trying to cry quietly.
He's going to know I know anyway. I don't think I can look at him.
Oh Jesus. My little sister is in the house and I don't want her to know so I'm trying to cry quietly.
He's going to know I know anyway. I don't think I can look at him.
Obviously it's a hard one to confront him on, because he will be understandably defensive when it's revealed that you've read his private emails. Hmm.
My dad's had a couple of affairs, but I've only ever found out about them through my mum finding out. It's hard, because you don't want to betray either parent, but you don't want your mother to be hurt by it.
I will say that if you do decide that your mother must know, make sure it's from your dad. If you feel you need to get the ball rolling by getting it out in the open, tell your dad that you know first. It might not be such a good idea to get angry and kick up a fuss, blurting out revelations at the wrong time.
My dad's had a couple of affairs, but I've only ever found out about them through my mum finding out. It's hard, because you don't want to betray either parent, but you don't want your mother to be hurt by it.
I will say that if you do decide that your mother must know, make sure it's from your dad. If you feel you need to get the ball rolling by getting it out in the open, tell your dad that you know first. It might not be such a good idea to get angry and kick up a fuss, blurting out revelations at the wrong time.
Reply 6
Hey, I am so sorry, this must be horrible for you. I suppose all you can do is try to minimise the negative effects of this on your mother and sister. If you speak to your dad about this then I would advise doing it quietly and privately. If there is any hope he will stay then tell him that he has to end the relationship with the other woman immediately. If there's no chance of your parents working it out then I would still ask him to keep it quiet and just to leave.
The main thing to remember though is that it's not your problem and that you don't have to shoulder the responsibility; there are loads of helplines or whatever where you can discuss this. All you can do is try to be there for your mum and sister.
Again, I'm really sorry - must be awful for you.
The main thing to remember though is that it's not your problem and that you don't have to shoulder the responsibility; there are loads of helplines or whatever where you can discuss this. All you can do is try to be there for your mum and sister.
Again, I'm really sorry - must be awful for you.
parsleythelion, I can imagine how you feel... my parents divorced because my dad had an affair with another woman.
However difficult it maybe, you've got to realise that it's their relationship, and what they do or do not do is up to them. Personally I would say that you should not tell you mum, especially if she is having other problems at the moment.
However, if you feel that you can, then I would confront your dad - it might move things on and help them get resolved - whichever way - sooner rather than later. This might make him see sense, and pack this other woman in, and it'll also be good that you can tell him exactly what you want to say to him, rather than keeping things bottled up inside, which isn't a good idea. Being 'caught' might be good for your did and make him realise what he's doing. And it'd be better than you blurting something out when you're mad at him - and if you choose when and where to do it, it'll not be (hopefully) when your mum or sister are around.
Finally, do you have a best friend or someone close you can talk to... that always helps me and makes me feel better - as they say a problem shared is a problem halved. Also, if your grandmother (dad's mum) is still around and you get on well with her, and can talk to her... maybe tell to her... my nan was great when my dad had his affair, she told him off like he was a little boy again. Whenever my dad did something wrong, I'd tell my nan and she'd sort him out. She was great!
Feel free to PM me. I'm sorry your having to go through this. I hope it all works out.
However difficult it maybe, you've got to realise that it's their relationship, and what they do or do not do is up to them. Personally I would say that you should not tell you mum, especially if she is having other problems at the moment.
However, if you feel that you can, then I would confront your dad - it might move things on and help them get resolved - whichever way - sooner rather than later. This might make him see sense, and pack this other woman in, and it'll also be good that you can tell him exactly what you want to say to him, rather than keeping things bottled up inside, which isn't a good idea. Being 'caught' might be good for your did and make him realise what he's doing. And it'd be better than you blurting something out when you're mad at him - and if you choose when and where to do it, it'll not be (hopefully) when your mum or sister are around.
Finally, do you have a best friend or someone close you can talk to... that always helps me and makes me feel better - as they say a problem shared is a problem halved. Also, if your grandmother (dad's mum) is still around and you get on well with her, and can talk to her... maybe tell to her... my nan was great when my dad had his affair, she told him off like he was a little boy again. Whenever my dad did something wrong, I'd tell my nan and she'd sort him out. She was great!
Feel free to PM me. I'm sorry your having to go through this. I hope it all works out.
Can you get to the computer again... maybe print some of the e-mails and put them somewhere only your dad would find them with a note saying "Dad, I know..."
That's if you WANT to confront your dad. Do you? Or would you rather not?
Or forward some of the e-mails to yourself, and then send them back to you dad from your e-mail account, so he knows you've seen them.
That's if you WANT to confront your dad. Do you? Or would you rather not?
Or forward some of the e-mails to yourself, and then send them back to you dad from your e-mail account, so he knows you've seen them.
I agree its horrible and nothing is ever going to make you forget it. But with the content of the emails, often people get carried away when typing and not everything is possibly strictly true. Your dad might not be thinking about those things, he's just saying it to please the person he's emailing. Obviously thats not good either. I have to say telling your mum probably isn't the best thing, she wouldn't want you to know the content of the emails and that may make her feel worse. She also probably shouldn't know the content, the actual affair would be enough. The other thing to consider is, does she possibly suspect?
I think the best thing you can do is either confront your dad straight on, or make some sort of comment about how you despise people who have affairs. Make it absolutely clear that you know and if he doesn't sort it out you will tell your mum. To an extent perhaps you have to give him the chance to redeem himself by coming clean in his own way, if only to make it better in your eyes.
Nothing can make this better for you, and nothing will ever take the pain away for you mum. But the best you can do is make it as easy for everyone and be supportive to your mum. My best wishes and sympathies to you. *hugs*
I think the best thing you can do is either confront your dad straight on, or make some sort of comment about how you despise people who have affairs. Make it absolutely clear that you know and if he doesn't sort it out you will tell your mum. To an extent perhaps you have to give him the chance to redeem himself by coming clean in his own way, if only to make it better in your eyes.
Nothing can make this better for you, and nothing will ever take the pain away for you mum. But the best you can do is make it as easy for everyone and be supportive to your mum. My best wishes and sympathies to you. *hugs*
Reply 10
I honestly think you should approach him about it and give him the chance to tell your mum himself, if he's already told her he doesn't love her anymore then it was only really enivitable that he'd move on. If you think they could work through their problems why not tell him you read the e-mail, but that you think he should give your mother another go, and perhaps give him some number/leaflets on marriage therapy. xxx
andy_c
Can you get to the computer again... maybe print some of the e-mails and put them somewhere only your dad would find them with a note saying "Dad, I know..."
That's if you WANT to confront your dad. Do you? Or would you rather not?
Or forward some of the e-mails to yourself, and then send them back to you dad from your e-mail account, so he knows you've seen them.
That's if you WANT to confront your dad. Do you? Or would you rather not?
Or forward some of the e-mails to yourself, and then send them back to you dad from your e-mail account, so he knows you've seen them.
Too high of a risk that her mum might find them if she does any printing.
Reply 12
I was thinking about doing something like that, leaving the emails up on the screen or something (he'll be home before my mum this evening.)
I don't think I want to do anything today in case I regret it. I'm not thinking straight right now, I'm going to go for a nice long run
Thank you very much, by the way.
I don't think I want to do anything today in case I regret it. I'm not thinking straight right now, I'm going to go for a nice long run
Thank you very much, by the way.
pendragon
Too high of a risk that her mum might find them if she does any printing.
Could put them in his briefcase, post them to his office at work, in his study at home, in the garage, on the kitchen table when mum goes out for the day... plenty of places the mother might not look and wouldn't see them.
I'd prefer the e-mail thing though, as there is a risk with printing, but, the OP will know if it's safe to print or not.
Print copies of the emails, they may come in helpful in the following divorce prodeesings. As for what you should do, confront your dad. Chances are he's gonna be gutted you've caught him out becasue your never gonna see him in the hero light again realy. I would avoid telling your mum (unless you really have to tell her) as it'll be something you'll never forget plus your kinda placing your self smack in the middle of their marriage and as the child it helps to remain as neutral as posisble-thats how i survived my parents divorce.
Reply 15
parsleythelion
My parents have not been getting on well for the last couple of months. My dad has told my mum that he doesn't love her any more. My mum is very depressed about it.
I had something I needed to print off so I emailed it to my dad and went onto his computer to print it. When there I saw an email from a woman, which I obviously shouldn't have opened, but the subject line made it very noticeable. It was enough to make me suspicious I had to leave as my dad was coming back.
This afternoon I went back onto his email. (Don't moralise to me about this, I know I shouldn't have but I don't regret it.) They were all deleted, and from his deleted items box, but I searched the woman's name and found A LOT of emails sent and received. She lives in Germany and he's been seeing her when he's been over for 'work.' My mum doesn't know about this. (One of the emails said he hadn't told her.)
There were also a lot of a very sexual nature which was a bit of a shock. Understatement.
I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. WTF do I do? I don't feel I can tell my mum (she's already VERY depressed and told me last night she feels like a 'total failure') and I don't think I can confront him about it, but I can't keep this bottled up.
Any advice much appreciated.
I had something I needed to print off so I emailed it to my dad and went onto his computer to print it. When there I saw an email from a woman, which I obviously shouldn't have opened, but the subject line made it very noticeable. It was enough to make me suspicious I had to leave as my dad was coming back.
This afternoon I went back onto his email. (Don't moralise to me about this, I know I shouldn't have but I don't regret it.) They were all deleted, and from his deleted items box, but I searched the woman's name and found A LOT of emails sent and received. She lives in Germany and he's been seeing her when he's been over for 'work.' My mum doesn't know about this. (One of the emails said he hadn't told her.)
There were also a lot of a very sexual nature which was a bit of a shock. Understatement.
I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. WTF do I do? I don't feel I can tell my mum (she's already VERY depressed and told me last night she feels like a 'total failure') and I don't think I can confront him about it, but I can't keep this bottled up.
Any advice much appreciated.
Reply 16
Just ask your dad to take you to the shops (by car obviously) and ask him about it. Say you saw it the first time when he had it open
Reply 17
Delete all the messages (after copying them), and see if your dad has the balls to confront you.
That said, as much as you love your parents, if they don't make each other happy anymore...
That said, as much as you love your parents, if they don't make each other happy anymore...
Reply 18
wikiwikiwildwildwest
If you want my honest opinion and you are positive he is having an affair, I would tell your mum and dis-own the bastard.
I'm not sure I agree. I don't think it's your place to tell your mum. Similarly denial will not solve anything and will just lead to more anxiety for you and ultimately more hurt for her when it does all come out. I think you've got to confront your dad - it's the only way.
Reply 19
The thing is... I'm angry but I still love them both enormously.
And I think I would confront him if it wasn't for the content... I've deleted my post which gave an example of it because it was unnecessary, but it was VERY sexual... and I'm not sure if I can look him in the eye and tell him I've read that.
My plan of action for the moment is: go and see the school nurse tomorrow morning, as she's lovely and I need to talk it through face-to-face with someone. Then possibly speak to: my godmother (and mum's best friend), my dad and my mum, in that order of likelihood.
Thanks again for the help.
And I think I would confront him if it wasn't for the content... I've deleted my post which gave an example of it because it was unnecessary, but it was VERY sexual... and I'm not sure if I can look him in the eye and tell him I've read that.
My plan of action for the moment is: go and see the school nurse tomorrow morning, as she's lovely and I need to talk it through face-to-face with someone. Then possibly speak to: my godmother (and mum's best friend), my dad and my mum, in that order of likelihood.
Thanks again for the help.
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