My mum died and I don't know how to cope
My mum died on the 21st August this year to brain cancer and I have never felt more alone, depressed and unloved. We were so close. Since her death I have been faced with many financial responsibilities. The family home which is rented is currently under a succession process meaning that it is to be put under my name and I will be the responsible tenant. There is an issue now of rent arrears, council tax which must be paid, as well as utility bills. I am currently a first year at university and I have moved out of home to live in halls where I must pay accomodation fees. I just can't afford to keep my home with my loan as it only covers my living costs at uni. I want to get housing benefit but I was told that because I am now 19, I am not eligible for it. The stress which my mothers death has left me is all too much, I don't know how to cope. Emotionally, things are too much. I think about my mum everyday and just wish she was here with me. I keep getting flashbacks of seeing her die in hospital and how weak and vulnerable the cancer made her.
Help?
Help?
Original post by facetious
I'm very sorry for your loss. In regards to the financial stuff, do you not have any extended family that can help you? Aunts/uncles/grandparents?
Nope. All down on me.
I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. That must be incredibly tough on you, and it's not surprising you're finding it difficult.
Firstly, you need to try to find somebody to talk to. If you don't want to talk to a family member, then how about a friend? Simply having someone close who we know we can rely on can make the world of difference, and they will be able to help you through it.
With regards to the financial aspects, this is a little more tricky. You won't get benefits while you're a student, although you would probably be eligible for a higher loan/grant than you were when you applied for your finance. This would be something worth looking into. Is there any way that you could move out of halls and commute from home? If this is feasible for you, then talking to your halls of residence management would help. They don't usually let people change their minds, but your circumstances are exceptional, and you may find that they are understanding about it.
You should also make everybody at uni aware of your situation. There may be extra financial help depending on where you study, or you would at least be able to get extensions on your deadlines or excused from non important lectures.
With regards to how you're coping, it might be worth a visit to the GP. Losing a parent is tough, particularly if you were close. I can't imagine how I would feel if I lost my Mum. You might benefit from counselling or even a short course of anti depressants to help you to cope. This is nothing to be ashamed or wary of; it would simply help you to get your head a little bit clearer to let you think straight about the situation.
Is it just you at home? I know this might not be what you want to hear, but have you thought about moving where you live? I would hate to lose my home, but if I was on my own and it would make things easier financially, then I might have to think about it.
I don't know how helpful any of that is to you, and I am aware that they only thing you'll want is to have your Mum back, but I will tell you that you CAN get through this, and one day you WILL be able to think about your Mum and all of the happy memories that you had together
.
This might sound weird, but if you ever need anybody to talk to you can always PM me. I may not be much use with regards to having experience with losing a parent, but I can at least listen.
Firstly, you need to try to find somebody to talk to. If you don't want to talk to a family member, then how about a friend? Simply having someone close who we know we can rely on can make the world of difference, and they will be able to help you through it.
With regards to the financial aspects, this is a little more tricky. You won't get benefits while you're a student, although you would probably be eligible for a higher loan/grant than you were when you applied for your finance. This would be something worth looking into. Is there any way that you could move out of halls and commute from home? If this is feasible for you, then talking to your halls of residence management would help. They don't usually let people change their minds, but your circumstances are exceptional, and you may find that they are understanding about it.
You should also make everybody at uni aware of your situation. There may be extra financial help depending on where you study, or you would at least be able to get extensions on your deadlines or excused from non important lectures.
With regards to how you're coping, it might be worth a visit to the GP. Losing a parent is tough, particularly if you were close. I can't imagine how I would feel if I lost my Mum. You might benefit from counselling or even a short course of anti depressants to help you to cope. This is nothing to be ashamed or wary of; it would simply help you to get your head a little bit clearer to let you think straight about the situation.
Is it just you at home? I know this might not be what you want to hear, but have you thought about moving where you live? I would hate to lose my home, but if I was on my own and it would make things easier financially, then I might have to think about it.
I don't know how helpful any of that is to you, and I am aware that they only thing you'll want is to have your Mum back, but I will tell you that you CAN get through this, and one day you WILL be able to think about your Mum and all of the happy memories that you had together
.This might sound weird, but if you ever need anybody to talk to you can always PM me. I may not be much use with regards to having experience with losing a parent, but I can at least listen
.I am incredibly sorry for your loss love.
My mother passed away suddenly in July so I vaguely (although of course, not completely) understand what must be going through your head.
Some things that helped me:
1. Do not go to the dr's to get put on meds - they very rarely work well in conjunction with therapy and end up masking your grief.
2. It is natural to cry.
3. It is natural to overeat/be a little self destructive. Acknowledge this.
4. Seek therapy - timeline therapy/cbt really helped me.
5. I don't personally believe in an afterlife but my sister does and so she often visits my mothers grave/talks to her etc. If you share a belief, I imagine it would be therapeutic.
6. Find 2-3 good friends, and don't sweat other peoples drama or attempts to get involved.
And finally, if you ever need to talk to somebody, I am here x
My mother passed away suddenly in July so I vaguely (although of course, not completely) understand what must be going through your head.
Some things that helped me:
1. Do not go to the dr's to get put on meds - they very rarely work well in conjunction with therapy and end up masking your grief.
2. It is natural to cry.
3. It is natural to overeat/be a little self destructive. Acknowledge this.
4. Seek therapy - timeline therapy/cbt really helped me.
5. I don't personally believe in an afterlife but my sister does and so she often visits my mothers grave/talks to her etc. If you share a belief, I imagine it would be therapeutic.
6. Find 2-3 good friends, and don't sweat other peoples drama or attempts to get involved.
And finally, if you ever need to talk to somebody, I am here x
I'm sorry to hear that.
You can get free consultations at an estate agent, and they'll advise you on what's best to do with your property.
You can get free consultations at an estate agent, and they'll advise you on what's best to do with your property.
I lost my Dad to cancer in November, I know how it feels. You will have to make some really tough decisions but at the end of the day don't jeopardise your own future.
Did you say your family house is a rental? Do you have any younger siblings or dependants? If not then dump the lease and stay with family after term if possible.
Did you say your family house is a rental? Do you have any younger siblings or dependants? If not then dump the lease and stay with family after term if possible.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost my dad about 18 months ago, and it does still hurt, but it does get easier. Try visiting this thread, we're all in the same boat and we support each other. Losing a parent is so hard especially one you were so close too, I was incredibly close to my dad and I loved him very much. It's a long road but you just have to keep going, give your self time to grieve, talk to people, see a bereavement counsellor if you think it will help, imagine how your mum would want you to continue living your life and make her proud.
In response to everyone saying with the advice I would also talk to someone at CAB or phone Department at Work & Pensions/Jobcentre to get money advice for benefits advice and help for the rent/money issues.
Try and get someone in to help with the rent and use that to help with the money. Also use information with student finance which should help you get the extra money from SFE and additional bursary/grants/loans etc.
The university will be able to help with regard to council tax, as a full time university student you shouldnt pay for council tax. At university speak to your head of year and try and get support for university coursework, but as your first year, you should only need to pass the first year.
If your home is close to university then i suggest you get someone to fill in your accomendation and move back, travelling may be bit tight but it may help in regard to finance if close by.
If you dont want to move back then get out of the lease and try and find somewhere more permanent and closer to university if you want to move there.
You never mentioned your dad (unless I read wrong), is there any chance he can help you financially during this difficult time?
I've never had that trauma of losing a parent, I lost my uncle earlier this year but please speak to someone to help you *hugs* and try to remember the positive of your mum it will ease the pain slightly.
Try and get someone in to help with the rent and use that to help with the money. Also use information with student finance which should help you get the extra money from SFE and additional bursary/grants/loans etc.
The university will be able to help with regard to council tax, as a full time university student you shouldnt pay for council tax. At university speak to your head of year and try and get support for university coursework, but as your first year, you should only need to pass the first year.
If your home is close to university then i suggest you get someone to fill in your accomendation and move back, travelling may be bit tight but it may help in regard to finance if close by.
If you dont want to move back then get out of the lease and try and find somewhere more permanent and closer to university if you want to move there.
You never mentioned your dad (unless I read wrong), is there any chance he can help you financially during this difficult time?
I've never had that trauma of losing a parent, I lost my uncle earlier this year but please speak to someone to help you *hugs* and try to remember the positive of your mum it will ease the pain slightly.
Original post by Sapphire_Eyes
In response to everyone saying with the advice I would also talk to someone at CAB or phone Department at Work & Pensions/Jobcentre to get money advice for benefits advice and help for the rent/money issues.
The OP won't get benefits as a student unless they're a parent or disabled.
OP - is there anyone (family, friend, etc) who is able to deal with this for you? It sounds as though you need a lot of help with this.
This made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss. I really have nothing helpful to say. I hope it all works out somehow.
It's just funny how if you were a school drop out with a baby in your hands you'd have more chances of getting more help from the government than now that you're a student and be a proper tax payer in the future. How messed up...
It's just funny how if you were a school drop out with a baby in your hands you'd have more chances of getting more help from the government than now that you're a student and be a proper tax payer in the future. How messed up...
Original post by OU Student
The OP won't get benefits as a student unless they're a parent or disabled.
OP - is there anyone (family, friend, etc) who is able to deal with this for you? It sounds as though you need a lot of help with this.
OP - is there anyone (family, friend, etc) who is able to deal with this for you? It sounds as though you need a lot of help with this.
CAB financial advisors should be able to help the OP with how to approach the money matters over her mum's debts and they should not be the OPs debts and give her support.
Maybe not Department of Work and Pensions though.
I lost my dad to a massive heart attack over two years ago; all I can say is that it gets easier with time.
I still wish he was around to give me words of wisdom which I certainly need, but I know he's out there somewhere, floating around the cosmos playing captain of the Enterprise as he always wanted to do.
Come to think of it, not accepting that he's gone probably caused a lot of problems in my life- try not to make the same mistake.
I still wish he was around to give me words of wisdom which I certainly need, but I know he's out there somewhere, floating around the cosmos playing captain of the Enterprise as he always wanted to do.
Come to think of it, not accepting that he's gone probably caused a lot of problems in my life- try not to make the same mistake.
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