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Opposites attract and all that but.....
OK TSRians, some advice please!
Background: I've been with with my boyfriend (he's 21, I'm 20) for 8 months. It's long distance (3 hours travel). I'm at uni and he is on a sort of year out and working. We see each other an average of once every 2 weeks (although I won't see him for like 6 weeks due to exams now
)
Right ok. So we had an argument the other day about communication. It always seems to be me who inniciates contact - be it phone calls, text or online. I complained about this again - it's no the first time I've had to mention it. He finally told me that whereas I like to have lots of contact since we don't get to see each other that much and need to talk to him and check he's ok, he finds it difficult to contact me because thinking about me makes him miss me more and make things more difficult for him. Of course I flew off the handle a bit and said things like what's the point in having a girlfriend if you don't even want to think about me, etc etc.
The help I need is with this: how can we find a way to solve this communication problem? the only thing I can think of is make some rule for him to contact me at least once in 3 days or something but I don't know...I don't want to be selfish and make him talk to me every day, but I don't want to be the only one to suffer either. any suggestions?
Background: I've been with with my boyfriend (he's 21, I'm 20) for 8 months. It's long distance (3 hours travel). I'm at uni and he is on a sort of year out and working. We see each other an average of once every 2 weeks (although I won't see him for like 6 weeks due to exams now
)Right ok. So we had an argument the other day about communication. It always seems to be me who inniciates contact - be it phone calls, text or online. I complained about this again - it's no the first time I've had to mention it. He finally told me that whereas I like to have lots of contact since we don't get to see each other that much and need to talk to him and check he's ok, he finds it difficult to contact me because thinking about me makes him miss me more and make things more difficult for him. Of course I flew off the handle a bit and said things like what's the point in having a girlfriend if you don't even want to think about me, etc etc.
The help I need is with this: how can we find a way to solve this communication problem? the only thing I can think of is make some rule for him to contact me at least once in 3 days or something but I don't know...I don't want to be selfish and make him talk to me every day, but I don't want to be the only one to suffer either. any suggestions?
There's no panacea for the difficulties caused by long-distance relationships.
However, setting up 'rules' as you say is possibly not the best idea: it makes calling you seem like a chore or duty, rather than something he would choose to do.
However, setting up 'rules' as you say is possibly not the best idea: it makes calling you seem like a chore or duty, rather than something he would choose to do.
Im in the same situation as you..well kinda. Me and my boyfriend are both on placement so we are 4hours apart and we only see each other about once a month (worst one is 5weeks gap). So, when we do see each other, we appreciate the time together more and i think it strengthens our relationship. What we do now, is we just email each otehr from work and in the evenings (since we have free minutes on mobile) we ring each other everynight for like 20-30mins chat to see how we are doing etc etc.
Thing is, i do see what your boyfriend means when he says that whenever he thinks about you, he realises he misses you more and its kinda unbearable. There are times when we woudl have fights or go into a strop with one another and the whole underlying reason is...that we miss each other so much that its frustrating.
How about you just take turns ringing each other? like once every other day if he can't bear to talk everyday?
Theres no real answer to long distance relationships...you'll just have to learn to adapt to it.
Good luck
Thing is, i do see what your boyfriend means when he says that whenever he thinks about you, he realises he misses you more and its kinda unbearable. There are times when we woudl have fights or go into a strop with one another and the whole underlying reason is...that we miss each other so much that its frustrating.
How about you just take turns ringing each other? like once every other day if he can't bear to talk everyday?
Theres no real answer to long distance relationships...you'll just have to learn to adapt to it.
Good luck
Snowfall
. He finally told me that whereas I like to have lots of contact since we don't get to see each other that much and need to talk to him and check he's ok, he finds it difficult to contact me because thinking about me makes him miss me more and make things more difficult for him.
unsure why you flew off the handle. sounds a perfecty reasonable excuse to me. I'd probably be the same. Its like being put in a sweet shop (or a pub) and being told that everythings free, but you can't touch. I'd probably end up shutting my eyes and sticking my fingers in my ears and hum to myself!
Its self preservation... totally natural.
Feefifofum
There's no panacea for the difficulties caused by long-distance relationships.
However, setting up 'rules' as you say is possibly not the best idea: it makes calling you seem like a chore or duty, rather than something he would choose to do.
However, setting up 'rules' as you say is possibly not the best idea: it makes calling you seem like a chore or duty, rather than something he would choose to do.
Exactly..so I don't want it to be like that. but at the moment, if I didn't contact him, we can go a week before we speak to each other
Ting-Ting
So, when we do see each other, we appreciate the time together more and i think it strengthens our relationship. What we do now, is we just email each otehr from work and in the evenings (since we have free minutes on mobile) we ring each other everynight for like 20-30mins chat to see how we are doing etc etc.
How about you just take turns ringing each other? like once every other day if he can't bear to talk everyday?
Theres no real answer to long distance relationships...you'll just have to learn to adapt to it.
Good luck
So, when we do see each other, we appreciate the time together more and i think it strengthens our relationship. What we do now, is we just email each otehr from work and in the evenings (since we have free minutes on mobile) we ring each other everynight for like 20-30mins chat to see how we are doing etc etc.
How about you just take turns ringing each other? like once every other day if he can't bear to talk everyday?
Theres no real answer to long distance relationships...you'll just have to learn to adapt to it.
Good luck
I know what you mean. We don't see each other that much so it's that much more speical every time we do get to see each other.
We both have free minutes too..but he never rings me because he's busy/working/doesn't answer the phone when i call him coz he never has the sound on....argh. so frustrating. I will suggest the speaking every other day thing but I need to find out what he thinks is an acceptable length of time not to speak..like i said in the other post, if I don't contact him, i don't hear from him for days so he might say that every other day or whatever is too much!!
unsure why you flew off the handle. sounds a perfecty reasonable excuse to me. I'd probably be the same. Its like being put in a sweet shop (or a pub) and being told that everythings free, but you can't touch. I'd probably end up shutting my eyes and sticking my fingers in my ears and hum to myself!
Its self preservation... totally natural.
Its self preservation... totally natural.
Because I'm a girl and was already annoyed and twisted his words in my head to mean that he didn't want to think about having a gf cause it's just a pain in the arse
Maybe he's just like that?? I can be like that myself to be honest. Will sometimes go weeks on end without contacting people, including best mates etc. Not because I intentionally want to avoid speaking with them, but is the way I am sometimes, just a bit thoughtless. Hell, one of my best mates of the past 14 years is very much the same, if not worse, and we sometimes don't speak for a couple of months and just pick up again after like nothing
Can see why you're frustrated though, is never nice to feel like you're the one to be making all the effort all of the time. But rules about him calling a specified number of times a week really aren't a good idea at all in my opinion! As has already been said, it will make talking to you a chore rather than a pleasure, as it should be
One of my ex's expected to speak most evenings for over an hour
Well, maybe I could accept this every now and then, but christ it annoyed me when I wasn't in the mood!
Can see why you're frustrated though, is never nice to feel like you're the one to be making all the effort all of the time. But rules about him calling a specified number of times a week really aren't a good idea at all in my opinion! As has already been said, it will make talking to you a chore rather than a pleasure, as it should be
One of my ex's expected to speak most evenings for over an hour Well, maybe I could accept this every now and then, but christ it annoyed me when I wasn't in the mood!El Scotto
See, stop that untwist it! if he didnt want you as a girlfriend, he wouldnt be your boyfriend.
See, stop that
untwist it! if he didnt want you as a girlfriend, he wouldnt be your boyfriend.I know, I know..but sometimes it's difficult to stop the thought process! Especially since we also talked about him coming here next weekend and he said no he wants to work, which means we won't see each other because of exams for at least 5 weeks. So to me it was like "I don't wanna see you, speak to you, think about you..." heh
and to Yodling Zeek, I know what you mean and I do sort of see where my bf is coming from. My ex used to want to talk for hours every night even though we'd see each other at school/college every day and it used to really get to me. But I don't think I'm over doing it like he was to me. I send 1 or 2 text to him a day, if I text him at all. It's not like I'm asking him to call and talk to me for an hour a day - just something to ya know check in and let me know he's ok and stuff. Cause if I don't hear from him for ages I worry and think silly things like 'what if something happened to him on his way home from work??' cause sometimes he doesn't get home til like 1am. I know he's a big boy and can take care of himself...but I don't think texting me back straight away instead of hours after, or iniciating a text/phonecall is too much to ask..is it?
Snowfall
OK TSRians, some advice please!
Background: I've been with with my boyfriend (he's 21, I'm 20) for 8 months. It's long distance (3 hours travel). I'm at uni and he is on a sort of year out and working. We see each other an average of once every 2 weeks (although I won't see him for like 6 weeks due to exams now )
Right ok. So we had an argument the other day about communication. It always seems to be me who inniciates contact - be it phone calls, text or online. I complained about this again - it's no the first time I've had to mention it. He finally told me that whereas I like to have lots of contact since we don't get to see each other that much and need to talk to him and check he's ok, he finds it difficult to contact me because thinking about me makes him miss me more and make things more difficult for him. Of course I flew off the handle a bit and said things like what's the point in having a girlfriend if you don't even want to think about me, etc etc.
The help I need is with this: how can we find a way to solve this communication problem? the only thing I can think of is make some rule for him to contact me at least once in 3 days or something but I don't know...I don't want to be selfish and make him talk to me every day, but I don't want to be the only one to suffer either. any suggestions?
Background: I've been with with my boyfriend (he's 21, I'm 20) for 8 months. It's long distance (3 hours travel). I'm at uni and he is on a sort of year out and working. We see each other an average of once every 2 weeks (although I won't see him for like 6 weeks due to exams now
)Right ok. So we had an argument the other day about communication. It always seems to be me who inniciates contact - be it phone calls, text or online. I complained about this again - it's no the first time I've had to mention it. He finally told me that whereas I like to have lots of contact since we don't get to see each other that much and need to talk to him and check he's ok, he finds it difficult to contact me because thinking about me makes him miss me more and make things more difficult for him. Of course I flew off the handle a bit and said things like what's the point in having a girlfriend if you don't even want to think about me, etc etc.
The help I need is with this: how can we find a way to solve this communication problem? the only thing I can think of is make some rule for him to contact me at least once in 3 days or something but I don't know...I don't want to be selfish and make him talk to me every day, but I don't want to be the only one to suffer either. any suggestions?
I really sympathise with this Snowfall. In my first year of uni, my boyfriend was very much the same - we'd been together for a couple of years at home but suddenly, with 3 hours distance between us, it became apparent that if I left it up to him we could easily go a week without speaking. I found this really hard because it felt like we weren't really involved in each other's lives any more - we wouldn't have a clue about the things that the other person was doing or thinking, big or small. There were times when he wouldn't reply for so long I'd be convinced he was dead
In the end, we split up (not just due to this but our relationship didn't handle the distance well). I swore off long distance relationships, but I'm now with someone just as far away who I speak to every night or, if we're not able to talk, we at least text every day, and he always texts me when he's going to bed, and it makes all the difference. I think my ex and I just had completely different (and, in the end, incompatible) relationship styles - I got to the point where I just couldn't sustain the relationship we had. But it wasn't that he didn't love me or didn't want to be with me or anything like that, it was just him. Perhaps it's something that, up to a point, you need to decide if you can learn to live with? I wish I could offer some more practical advice, but I do know how it feels and I wish you lots of luck xxxAs a side note, the ex mentioned above is actually much better at keeping in touch now we're just friends and answers my texts and e-mails much faster than I answer his... men!
Thanks bewithoutyou. I hope that it doesn't come to that since I love him and don't want to be with anyone else but him. I don't think that he doesn't love me or anything like that but as you can understand, it's very frustrating! everything else is going really well but this is something big that we need to sort out. I guess it's just going to take more discussion and trying to find some middle ground.
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