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Should I end long term relationship? Watch

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    I'm in a long term relationship which I'm not sure I should ever have started. We just sort of got together because we were both lonely and didn't seem to fit in with anyone else. From the start I always felt more attracted to other women but felt really mean trying to end it with my partner. When people ask us about our relationship and refer to us "falling in love" I try to dodge the question as I have never felt this way about her - never passionate about her. We've not done much sex for years. I love her as a friend and companion. Every few years I'd meet someone who I really feel passionate about, but I've done nothing and got over her and resumed mundane life. Recently I met someone I am completely nuts about on my college course but when I asked her to meet for a drink she turned me down. I'm very miserable about this and cry a lot, not just about never having a chance to start something with this woman but also I'm sad about never having had a relationship where I've had the in love feeling and real chemistry. I know a lot of long term relationships end in this kind of companionship love, but am I unreasonable for feeling sometimes wretchedly upset that I might never experience anything else?
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    End. It. You clearly aren't happy!


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    (Original post by thinktoomuch610)
    End. It. You clearly aren't happy!


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    This. Nothing much else to say..
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    I think you two will be OK. Just break it off honestly...just break it off.
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    End it when your young your relationship should be fiery and passionate the companionship feeling is something I see my parents have its something when youbve been married for x amount of years and have far more to worry about in life than whens your next date. It will only get worse and you will both get hurt
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    You are pretty much the only person screwing you over here, mate. I think the answer is fairly obviously, "just end it".
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    End it.


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    (Original post by SillyMilly)
    End it when your young your relationship should be fiery and passionate the companionship feeling is something I see my parents have its something when youbve been married for x amount of years and have far more to worry about in life than whens your next date. It will only get worse and you will both get hurt
    Im already quite old, a mature student, and have three kids which i love to bits - makes just ending it a bit more complicated
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    You should never have started it if you never liked her in that way, and I'm sorry to say this but it's just so stupid to get with somebody just because you felt lonely and like you didn't fit in anywhere else? Why is it stupid? Simply because this; the situation you are in now.

    It's a mess you both created because you both tried to force something just because you felt out of place... the longer you leave it, the harder it will be for you to make it better. If you're so unhappy then break up? At least hopefully you won't break up in a messy way if neither of you liked each other in that way in the first place... I'm going to assume the children belongs to you and this women that you got with because you felt lonely.. I don't even know why you would have children with somebody you never loved. It's ludicrous, to me.

    Ah actually I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry I don't mean to rant. I have no other advice other than to break up. Your children... you should have thought about all this before you did anything... and I know how stupid people can be when they're young but at the end of the day, we have to face the consequences of our actions.
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    I'm pretty sure my partner is happy with the way things have panned out im a good reliable, considerate, partner and very involved partner and dad. Its just never been really passionate between us. I'm her first boy friend so she knows nothing different. I barely know anything different until I occasionally meet other women who get my pulse racing in a way that my partner never has. I definitely wanted children at some stage and it took us ages, and a real struggle as we had to have IVF to have them. I agree its a real mess and probably my fault for not being assertive years ago. I'm in absolute emotional bits about all this coping with the in lovey crushy sexual tension of not getting together with someone else I fancied and the guilt and fear of the potential consequences of splitting up with my long term partner - and whilst trying to hide this from my children and partner. For the last month I've been drinking too much to ease the tension - which is not a good idea health wise. And Ive been trying to do my college course work, look after kids, and hold down a part time job - oh woe is me!
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    I don't think you'll stop feeling this way until you end it.
    Do you think she feels the same way as you do?
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    end it. Even when you factor in the children, they are better off with happy but separate parents than parents unhappy together.
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    (Original post by boba)
    end it. Even when you factor in the children, they are better off with happy but separate parents than parents unhappy together.
    only im unhappy with the situation and im pretty good at hiding my unhappiness, I guess for the sake of everyone else, and once I get over the woman i tried to date recently i expect things will settle down as they have for years.
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    If you are not happy you should let her go, it's not fair on her.
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    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    If you are not happy you should let her go, it's not fair on her.
    As ive said already, as far as im aware she is happy - I think the situation is not fair on me. If I try to end the relationship then she will regard it as not fair on her or the kids. She'll get extremely angry and upset.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    only im unhappy with the situation and im pretty good at hiding my unhappiness, I guess for the sake of everyone else, and once I get over the woman i tried to date recently i expect things will settle down as they have for years.
    but you deserve to be happy. I'm sure she wouldn't be happy if she knew about this either so your essentially lying to her.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    As ive said already, as far as im aware she is happy - I think the situation is not fair on me. If I try to end the relationship then she will regard it as not fair on her or the kids. She'll get extremely angry and upset.
    There is no point staying with her for the sake of being in a relationship, if you are not happy then it is unfair on her and she will eventually suspect something is wrong. Leave her rather than stringing her along.
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    You very obviously had sexual intentions when you asked this woman on your course out for a drink. How is that acceptable when you are in a relationship? No, you might not love your partner, but that does not mean that you can sneak around behind her back. What would you have done if this woman had said yes? Began an affair? It's very possible that if this woman knows about your partner this may have been the reason for the rejection, or at least part of it. You will not get the passionate relationship you so want while festering in an unfulfilling one.
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    You shouldn't be trying to get it on with someone new while you're still involved with someone else. That is simply disrespectful to both your partner and to the person you asked out. Whatismore, if you DO that, your children and current partner will always blame the new partner for being the brazen hussy responsible for breaking up your existing relationship - whereas by the sound of it that would be completely unjust.

    You need to first address your existing relationship rather than try to start a new one. If that results in your current relationship coming to an end, then you should take some time out to work out your own life, rather than jumping straight into a new relationship.

    The intense feelings you feel that you want/need to feel are incredibly powerful and exhilarating but they are temporary, they only exist during the pre- or early stages of the formation of a relationship, and they are caused by hormones. Look up 'Limerence' on Wikipedia. The fact that you have had a crush, even though you are in a relationship, does not mean you have fallen out of love with your current partner. Everyone has the occasional crush on people, even if they are in loving marriages. The important thing is what you do about them.

    As you are in a relationship, and there are children involved, you should really be considering marriage counselling as a first step. That will help you to identify whether your relationship can be saved (and if so what you need to work on) or whether a breakup is the way forward.
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    (Original post by Crumpet1)
    You shouldn't be trying to get it on with someone new while you're still involved with someone else. That is simply disrespectful to both your partner and to the person you asked out. Whatismore, if you DO that, your children and current partner will always blame the new partner for being the brazen hussy responsible for breaking up your existing relationship - whereas by the sound of it that would be completely unjust.

    You need to first address your existing relationship rather than try to start a new one. If that results in your current relationship coming to an end, then you should take some time out to work out your own life, rather than jumping straight into a new relationship.

    The intense feelings you feel that you want/need to feel are incredibly powerful and exhilarating but they are temporary, they only exist during the pre- or early stages of the formation of a relationship, and they are caused by hormones. Look up 'Limerence' on Wikipedia. The fact that you have had a crush, even though you are in a relationship, does not mean you have fallen out of love with your current partner. Everyone has the occasional crush on people, even if they are in loving marriages. The important thing is what you do about them.

    As you are in a relationship, and there are children involved, you should really be considering marriage counselling as a first step. That will help you to identify whether your relationship can be saved (and if so what you need to work on) or whether a breakup is the way forward.
    Sorry, I disagree in part and some of the earlier posters have got nearer the issue. My point made at the begining of this thread is that from the outset mylself and my partner just kind of fell together because we were outsiders and lonely and didnt fit in with anyone else. I was never "in love" with her as such nor her with me. We just got on together well in other ways as companions - and its always been like that and not much sex involved for years. I have never felt particularly passionate about her nor found her partiicularly physically attractive. Shes quite manly in appearance, and behaviour, and with short hair has often been mistaken for a man. I know w'eve even received homophobic abuse from people thinking we were a gay couple. Right from the outset there were other more feminine women I felt for more, but neither had the courage to ask them out nor the bravery to end it with my partner.

    I do however take your point about ending with my parnter first, although its interesting that women Ive spoken to from non anglo-saxon countries I have spoken to think in my circumstances that it would be quite legitimate to do this - there may be some cultural elements to your view.
 
 
 
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