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Boyfriend was so close to beating me up so badly, I'm just waiting for it :( Watch

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    (Original post by Hal.E.Lujah)
    I'll grant that this was a bad situation to put her boyfriend in, but as he's acted like this before, I think you can call this abusive. Someone being aggressive can be extremely abusive, the lingering threat of violence, the language involved. I think that it's important to know that this is how it starts before escalating, and no partner should ever make you feel threatened.

    The BBC have quite a good page that you should read (silverbolt), abuse really isn't just physical.
    i dont need to read about it - i know it, ive experianced it first hand, both myself and seeing others going through it.

    Is it an issue - yes? Is it abuse - possibly, but condeming him straight off especially considering the circumstances involved does make him an abuser.

    If things dont change - then yes most certainly leave, i agree no one should be in fear of thier partner. But her actions caused this and because he yelled does not make him an abuser. THe OP may very well be lying to make herself look better, or exagerating it. Or telling the whole truth. We dont know. But to say this guy is abusing her based of this one explained incident and a couple of other times hinted at does not an abuser make.
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    (Original post by So Instinct)
    Major assumption, everyone with anger issues isn't violent. More often than not teenagers with anger management issues aren't violent and if they are they tend to take it out on objects.
    She should break up with him because she has a hunch/feeling he could get violent? If the world worked of feelings and hunches it would be chaos and injustice would be rife.

    Yeah good point. I thin kthe ability in this life to recognise what's real danger and what isn't quickly is a very valuable one.
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    (Original post by Ice Constricter)
    Actually I didn't miss anything. The person I quoted claimed the OP did nothing wrong, I was simply stating the things normal people in relationships would consider wrong.

    And as for your question, actually read my post again....ALL OF IT and not just the bottom half. :facepalm2:
    Hands up I misread the first part of your post, Apologies!

    But I was mainly outraged at your conclusion that it was all the OP's fault, I don't like how you portrayed the aggressor to be a victim. You citied one example even though she's said this has happened several times. Most people have ex's and believe it or not most people don't sleep with their ex's. I don't answer my phone, does that mean I'm sleeping with someone? No, just means i can't be arsed to answer my phone.
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    (Original post by Aramiss18)
    Full on Women's Union here dude. His side has been close to totally ignored.
    In the last 2 pages some sense has come back into this thread.
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    (Original post by silverbolt)
    i dont need to read about it - i know it, ive experianced it first hand, both myself and seeing others going through it.

    Is it an issue - yes? Is it abuse - possibly, but condeming him straight off especially considering the circumstances involved does make him an abuser.

    If things dont change - then yes most certainly leave, i agree no one should be in fear of thier partner. But her actions caused this and because he yelled does not make him an abuser. THe OP may very well be lying to make herself look better, or exagerating it. Or telling the whole truth. We dont know. But to say this guy is abusing her based of this one explained incident and a couple of other times hinted at does not an abuser make.

    :dontknow:

    That's one of the problems giving advice on forums. We can't know how accurate it is. You just have to take it to be mostly true. And if it is, she felt threatened, which is abuse.

    As I said before, she messed up. But messing up should never have the lingering threat of violence, and as you probably know, this is exactly how it always begins.
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    A lot of women don't mind men who lose their temper (so long as they're not violent). Other women are very much less tolerant and seek a more measured, calm man. Depends which kind of man the OP wants really.
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    (Original post by Hal.E.Lujah)
    I'm usually quite vocally against the normal 'Dump he has too many eyelashes' brigade.

    In this case, someone could be in quite a serious situation, and it has to be handled very carefully.

    The simple cold truth is, she feels threatened. That being the case, she needs to remove herself from that.

    Or she could talk to him, discuss her feelings and give him one chance to show improvements and change.
    There is nothing solid to suggest he is violent apart from a feeling she got, although being terrified of your partner isn't something to be tolerated.
    Bottom line is he must change, whether or not she wants to give him a chance he may or may not deserve is up to her and nobody on this website has a superior position to judge. From what I've read I think he does, I would of lost my temper had my gf pulled that stunt on me and we don't know anything about the other situations or how accurate the description is.
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    (Original post by So Instinct)
    I would of lost my temper had my gf pulled that stunt on me and we don't know anything about the other situations.
    I suspect I may have got at least a little riled myself.

    The thing is, in relationships, you ought to be able to do what you like and have your partner trust you, but on the other hand the aspect people often forget is that you have to be sensitive to the way your behaviour comes across to your partner. Example - if I leave my phone off all day, I expect my GF to notice this and maybe be a little worried. Solution? Make sure I contact her somehow at some point during the day, or forgive her for being a little upset. I know that if she went radio silence randomly it certainly gets the spidey sense tingling. Not necessarily through suspicion, it just makes it apparent.
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    (Original post by So Instinct)
    Or she could talk to him, discuss her feelings and give him one chance to show improvements and change.
    There is nothing solid to suggest he is violent apart from a feeling she got, although being terrified of your partner isn't something to be tolerated.

    Bottom line is he must change, whether or not she wants to give him a chance he may or may not deserve is up to her and nobody on this website has a superior position to judge. From what I've read I think he does, I would of lost my temper had my gf pulled that stunt on me and we don't know anything about the other situations.

    I guess I'm overly cynical. I know how it goes from here, the person who made the other feel threatened apologises profusely, maybe even cries, says they'll never do it again, and it all seems fine.

    Then it escalates a few months later, and the same apologies come back.

    Personally, I don't think someone who's made their partner feel threatened on two or more seperate occasions deserves a third chance. I appreciate what you mean though, and I'll concede that she should talk to her boyfriend about this, and judge her response based on his reaction then.

    Just on your last point, when losing your temper would you ever allow your girlfriend to feel that she would be in physical danger from you? You can be annoyed without putting someone in that position.

    Edit: I realise that last question can't really have an answer other than the one I want. Mwhahahahahaha :cool:
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    See I am confused myself, I completely hold my hands up and understand what I did was wrong. But when someone comes into your space and shouts, gets really close up and I can see from his actions he is close to slapping me but backs away, am I meant to think that is acceptable?
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    (Original post by So Instinct)
    Major assumption, everyone with anger issues isn't violent. More often than not teenagers with anger management issues aren't violent and if they are they tend to take it out on objects.
    She should break up with him because she has a hunch/feeling he could get violent? If the world worked of feelings and hunches it would be chaos and injustice would be rife.
    This is true to an extent. But why take the risk? The threat of violence whether stated or not is still a powerful tool to use on someone. It's completely unacceptable controlling behaviour.
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    (Original post by frankieboy)
    I suspect I may have got at least a little riled myself.

    The thing is, in relationships, you ought to be able to do what you like and have your partner trust you, but on the other hand the aspect people often forget is that you have to be sensitive to the way your behaviour comes across to your partner. Example - if I leave my phone off all day, I expect my GF to notice this and maybe be a little worried. Solution? Make sure I contact her somehow at some point during the day, or forgive her for being a little upset. I know that if she went radio silence randomly it certainly gets the spidey sense tingling. Not necessarily through suspicion, it just makes it apparent.
    Agree'd.
    Ideally you should be able to do what you like yes, love doesn't work like that however. Men more-so will be protective of their girls so I think her stunt was careless and selfish, it's not difficult to pick up the phone and send a text or just look to see if he called, it's called tact and thoughtfulness.
    Though to suggest all relationships have love is laughable at best.

    Someone made a post earlier saying he doesn't love her like she loves him which made me laugh.
    Judging love on whether one has anger management issues, 'logic'.
    Not to mention if she 'loved' him, she wouldn't have gone the whole night without a thought he may be worried, regardless of alcohol.

    That being said
    , he is still in the wrong so they both have to accept that they both have made mistakes/have their faults. He will have to change regardless of whether he thinks it's due to her actions, if he is worth keeping around he will do his best to change. If he does not then you have a valid reason to 'dump' him.
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    I agree with the people who said leave him. You're obviously afraid of him, why would you want to be in a relationship with a man you're afraid of? I get that you said the other side of him is sweet but you shouldn't put up with someone who gets to the point of nearly hitting you.

    He should go.
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    (Original post by supernature)
    See I am confused myself, I completely hold my hands up and understand what I did was wrong. But when someone comes into your space and shouts, gets really close up and I can see from his actions he is close to slapping me but backs away, am I meant to think that is acceptable?
    You didn't do anything wrong. You were at worst a bit inconsiderate.
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    (Original post by Izzyeviel)
    This is true to an extent. But why take the risk? The threat of violence whether stated or not is still a powerful tool to use on someone. It's completely unacceptable controlling behaviour.
    Why take the risk?

    He has done nothing to suggest he is violent. We do not know if her portrayal or judgement is accurate, hunches do not suffice.
    Some people value relationships more than to dump for any given reason or if any problem occurs.
    I'm not condoning it and agree he has to change, but to dump him without giving him a chance to change isn't fair and a waste of what could be a fruitful relationship.
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    (Original post by So Instinct)
    Why take the risk?

    He has done nothing to suggest he is violent.

    Well that's not true at all... if the OP felt that she was being threatened with physical violence on those occasions, then all we have to work on from the post is that he is indeed abusive.
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    (Original post by Hal.E.Lujah)
    Well that's not true at all... if the OP felt that she was being threatened with physical violence on those occasions, then all we have to work on from the post is that he is indeed abusive.
    I can understand if he was about to and pulled back, but she never said that happened. She hasn't said he grabbed her, touched her or did anything of the sort. She only said she thinks he would of slapped her if I recall correctly.
    Thinking something is going to happen isn't enough to label that person, some people 'thought' Elmo was a paedophile a few weeks ago, how wrong they were.
    He maybe is bordering on the brink depending on his behaviour, but again like I said it's not whether or not he is guilty because he is infact they both are to some extend it's how to deal with it. Screaming dump wont fix it, people change, many violent people don't but some do and people are worth a chance for the relationships sake and like I said there is nothing to suggest he is even violent.
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    (Original post by So Instinct)
    I can understand if he was about to and pulled back, but she never said that happened. She hasn't said he grabbed her, touched her or did anything of the sort. She only said she thinks he would of slapped her if I recall correctly.
    Thinking something is going to happen isn't enough to label that person, some people 'thought' Elmo was a paedophile a few weeks ago, how wrong they were.
    He maybe is bordering on the brink depending on his behaviour, but again like I said it's not whether or not he is guilty because he is infact they both are to some extend it's how to deal with it. Screaming dump wont fix it, people change, many violent people don't but some do and people are worth a chance for the relationships sake and like I said there is nothing to suggest he is even violent.

    Actually, it is abuse. He could genuinely be arrested for it.

    I'm sure that sounds silly to you, because you probably don't see how it could be abusive. But really it's quite serious to treat your partner that way, and I find it odd that you're defending it.

    I know you've said 'Give him another chance', and I was willing to hear you out on that, but I've now confirmed in my view that the OP really should leave him, or at least speak to an abuse specialist. There's no defence.
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    (Original post by Izzyeviel)
    Hands up I misread the first part of your post, Apologies!

    But I was mainly outraged at your conclusion that it was all the OP's fault, I don't like how you portrayed the aggressor to be a victim. You citied one example even though she's said this has happened several times. Most people have ex's and believe it or not most people don't sleep with their ex's. I don't answer my phone, does that mean I'm sleeping with someone? No, just means i can't be arsed to answer my phone.
    But it was the OP's fault to a certain extent, although that is no excuse to cause someone to fear for their safety. But the fact is, fear for her safety how? The OP doesn't really define it. Also in those other examples what happened? What were the specific circumstances? And nice straw man. Point is most people dont go and visit their ex, get ridiculously pissed, not answer any phone calls and sleep in their ex's house overnight, all in ONE night. If you aren't mad at that, you either dont care about your boyfriend/girlfriend or your self esteem is so low you don't demand any respect and dignity.
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    (Original post by Hal.E.Lujah)
    Actually, it is abuse. He could genuinely be arrested for it.

    I'm sure that sounds silly to you, because you probably don't see how it could be abusive. But really it's quite serious to treat your partner that way, and I find it odd that you're defending it.

    I know you've said 'Give him another chance', and I was willing to hear you out on that, but I've now confirmed in my view that the OP really should leave him, or at least speak to an abuse specialist. There's no defence.
    How does the law work with that? If you shout at someone you can be arrested?
 
 
 
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