As I feel really "down" at the moment, I felt like sharing "my story" and eventually hear other people's perspectives.
So it has been already 30 months since I firstly fell in love. It was summer of 2010 and as usual, I was in SPA at that time because of my allergies. It was such a SPA that the usual length of stay was 4 weeks, it were just kids under 18 years old and everyday someone new came or leave. I don't remember the day correctly, but one day, this girl came and only thing I noticed about her was that she was really pretty. Later that day in evening, she was sitting on a sofa outside of the office, waiting for her blood to be taken and I decided to talk to her. We were sitting there for maybe half an hour, she told me that she is afraid of these blood tests, so I went with her inside the office and held her hand during the actual process. Afterwards, we talked for maybe 5 hours. During those 5 hours, we went from complete strangers to friends and I've noticed something. I've noticed that I am in love with her. She was really the first girl I really loved, it wasn't just "oh, she has nice boobs", it was a real connection. When she went to her bed, we kissed. It was spontaneous, it seemed like an everyday routine.
We have been there together for another 2 weeks, we weren't a couple, we just spent all our time together and people were already asking if we are brother and sister or maybe a couple. Every other day, I was realising that I really loved her. I was too shy to actually do something about it and suddenly, the day when I had to leave came. Needless to say, we were both crying as we knew that it is going to be impossible for us to meet again as we live really far from each other. (or at least it seemed far back then, at age of 16). But we promised ourselves that we are going to meet in that SPA again next year.
During that year, I realised how much I loved her. It was (is) such a love that I felt like I was never ever gonna love someone else that much. On a scale from 1-10 it was a complex number. After a month or so, I received a shipment form her with a "friendship bracelet". I put it on my hand and I never put it down. I should probably say what was it that made me love her, but you guessed it, I don't know. She wasn't a regular "hot girl" with a beautiful body, she was like an angel. She was really small, blonde, insanely long hair (people used to joke about it that her hair is longer than she is, her hair was ending under her butt) tiny brown eyes, always smiling, it's hard to describe. I could probably post a pic of her but I don't think it would be nice of me to post her photos on the internet. Even today, at hers 18 years old, she looks like 12. She is still really "childish", her room is full of plush giraffes, she likes to go the toy-shop etc. Don't get me wrong, she is a mature woman and you can talk to her about anything, it's just in her personality and I think it's cute.
So 11 months went by and there wasn't a single day I wouldn't think about her. Even after half an year, it was still the same as the first day I met her. We were in touch of course, the facebook thingy was already on and we used to talk a lot and every other day I had a wall full of kisses and stuff. We were really looking forward to meet again, I was actually counting days.
So the summer of 2011 finally came, we finally met. The moment we saw each other, we started running (it was like from a movie lol) towards each other and we were hugging for nearly 10 minutes, she just didn't want to let go. It was probably the happiest moment of my life. For maybe a week, we were always together, every single minute. We still weren't a couple, it was something in between a couple and a friendship. But then, after 1 week, we got into fight. I am not even gonna say why we got into it, it is embarrassing. It wasn't just my fault, it was 50/50. We didn't talk at all, she was avoiding me, she even took my bracelet. I felt terrible, it were probably the worst 3 weeks of my entire life. I felt like I died from inside. We did not even say goodbye to each other when we were leaving.
She deleted me on facebook as well. But after maybe 2 months, I received a message from her. It was longer than the Great China Wall and she was basically saying how sorry is she and that how much she loves me. So we were again friends as as we were already mature, it wasn't a problem for me to visit her. I spent 7 days at her home, with just her father. But then again, we weren't a couple. It was just cuddling and stuff. Why? Hard to explain, we both probably know that it would hurt too much if we would actually get together, as there is still a relatively huge distance between us.
So this thing goes on for nearly 3 years. We see each other once in a while, it is still the same thing as it was at the beginning. Needless to say, during these 3 years I didn't even look at any other girl, I have had maybe 10 opportunities to have a girlfriend but I always backed off. I don't consider myself "handsome", I just dress classy (you probably won't find anything else inside my wardrobe than suits, blazers, shirts... I am a big fan of Barney Stinson ^^) and I am just being myself.
What I am facing now is a crisis. I still totally love her, and frankly, it is a really different love. I can't imagine having sex with her, not like she isn't sexy or something, it would just probably feel wrong. Remember what I said about her being "childish"? She is just an immaculate angel. I am not sure about kissing. I just want to be with her, talk to her, cuddle with her, having her around. I want to be a couple, but on the same time, I don't.
So back to that crisis and even the post title. I am applying to the MIT, Harvard and few other Ivy League universities next year (2014 entry), I am really confident about getting in as I do lots of extracurricular activities, I have great grades, I guess I can say I am pretty good at maths. What would that mean is, that in January 2014, I would cross the ocean for maybe 10 years as I would like to do a PhD. I am totally depressed by the idea that I won't see her for 10 ****ing years, maybe even longer. I still feel like I cannot love anyone else. I don't know what to do, I feel terrible.
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Leaving probably for ever watch
- 31-12-2012 00:40
- 31-12-2012 11:42
- 31-12-2012 14:02
Looks like your really in love with her. I understand the feeling of being totally in love with someone and not being able to like anyone else but reality will kick in soon; your going to have to let go. Have you spoken to her about splitting up?
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- 31-12-2012 14:15
No worry, US universities also allow you to have holidays.
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- 31-12-2012 14:55
I think you need to speak to her and see where you two should go from there. And there's nothing to really stop her from seeing / you coming back to the UK and seeing her, is there?
- 31-12-2012 15:16
Air ticket back and forth costs something about 1200 € and I am afraid I couldn't afford it during undergraduate studies.