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    #5

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I got in touch with him and we are going to watch a movie tonight. I will update on whether he's the real deal or not.
    what happened??? i've got a friend in a similair situation so i got really into this thread i hope it ends well
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    (Original post by Bipolarb3ar)
    Not as much sexual history as morals, i wouldnt want to be with a girl that has had a full rugby team at once, its just not the sort of girl i go for, if you like the town bike then thats your choice, it worked for your dad...


    For the record i eat toast.
    Nice mum joke, I like your style bipolarbear.
    • #1
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    #1

    Update:

    As I suspected, the fact that I contacted him for a date was a screaming flag that he wasn't interested. So next time I won't do that, but it was worth testing this out. So, we watched a movie and I had to stop him and ask him directly what he was thinking because he simply hadn't told me. Basically, he said he doesn't feel a spark with me, that we're at different stages in life etc. I'm about to graduate, he has a job. He thinks I need to get a sense of what I like doing in life - he thinks I haven't found my niche yet. I said that was fine (how can anyone be sure straight away?) but that he should have told me sooner. I reacted quite well. I did not get visibly upset or anything like that, no tears in my eyes.

    He's been single for 4 years now. His first (and only serious) relationship lasted 5 and a half years and they split up when she moved down under. They are still good friends. He said he knows the 'one' when he finds her but until then he wants to meet new people and have a good time. I guess he goes for that instant 'spark', you know she's going to be the girl you marry kind of thing. He said he likes girls who are more outgoing than me. He goes on hundreds of mile cycle rides and used to play sport professionally. He says he wants a girl who challenges him. Funny thought is that I probably was challenging him because I was that different haha, only he didn't realise.

    The conversation was so bloody awkward, lots of bad silences etc. I would have preferred if he had said no to the date or not replied. I would have been able to take it.

    Thing is that I suspect he only wanted sex to begin with in spite of what he says. He says he thought about it after we had sex and realised that there was no spark. However, when I think back to our meeting (and I know I took the bait), he never asked me many questions about myself at all. He seemed pretty half-hearted and he did push for sex quicker than I'm used to. In spite of what he says, I'm not an idiot, and I wonder if sex was what he wanted all along. But by the sounds of it, he doesn't seem to know what he wants. Confusing. Would appreciate it if some TSR men could translate some of what he said so I can make better sense of it.

    We both passed on our best wishes (extremely awkwardly) but I left something at his house (whoops) so now I will have to encounter him again... oh dear.
    • #1
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    #1

    (Original post by py0alb)
    Nice mum joke, I like your style bipolarbear.
    Hey py0alb, please give me your take on the situation. I find your comments so on point and really helpful.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    what happened??? i've got a friend in a similair situation so i got really into this thread i hope it ends well
    Have posted an update above.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Update:

    As I suspected, the fact that I contacted him for a date was a screaming flag that he wasn't interested. So next time I won't do that, but it was worth testing this out. So, we watched a movie and I had to stop him and ask him directly what he was thinking because he simply hadn't told me. Basically, he said he doesn't feel a spark with me, that we're at different stages in life etc. I'm about to graduate, he has a job. He thinks I need to get a sense of what I like doing in life - he thinks I haven't found my niche yet. I said that was fine (how can anyone be sure straight away?) but that he should have told me sooner. I reacted quite well. I did not get visibly upset or anything like that, no tears in my eyes.

    He's been single for 4 years now. His first (and only serious) relationship lasted 5 and a half years and they split up when she moved down under. They are still good friends. He said he knows the 'one' when he finds her but until then he wants to meet new people and have a good time. I guess he goes for that instant 'spark', you know she's going to be the girl you marry kind of thing. He said he likes girls who are more outgoing than me. He goes on hundreds of mile cycle rides and used to play sport professionally. He says he wants a girl who challenges him. Funny thought is that I probably was challenging him because I was that different haha, only he didn't realise.

    The conversation was so bloody awkward, lots of bad silences etc. I would have preferred if he had said no to the date or not replied. I would have been able to take it.

    Thing is that I suspect he only wanted sex to begin with in spite of what he says. He says he thought about it after we had sex and realised that there was no spark. However, when I think back to our meeting (and I know I took the bait), he never asked me many questions about myself at all. He seemed pretty half-hearted and he did push for sex quicker than I'm used to. In spite of what he says, I'm not an idiot, and I wonder if sex was what he wanted all along. But by the sounds of it, he doesn't seem to know what he wants. Confusing. Would appreciate it if some TSR men could translate some of what he said so I can make better sense of it.

    We both passed on our best wishes (extremely awkwardly) but I left something at his house (whoops) so now I will have to encounter him again... oh dear.

    He sounds like he's either

    a) completely retarded
    b) inventing an elaborate lie to get rid of you

    either way, you're better off without.

    By having sex with him, you've probably brought the episode to a conclusion earlier than it otherwise would have; which is a GOOD thing. Why waste your time with a loser who talks about "finding the one" and "a spark" and other bullcrap. He sounds like a 12 year old girl.

    Plus, at least you got laid with a guy you fancied.

    Move on and find someone better.
    • #1
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    #1

    (Original post by py0alb)
    He sounds like he's either

    a) completely retarded
    b) inventing an elaborate lie to get rid of you

    either way, you're better off without.

    By having sex with him, you've probably brought the episode to a conclusion earlier than it otherwise would have; which is a GOOD thing. Why waste your time with a loser who talks about "finding the one" and "a spark" and other bullcrap. He sounds like a 12 year old girl.

    Plus, at least you got laid with a guy you fancied.

    Move on and find someone better.
    Thank you. I know it's probably my fault for putting out. He got what he wanted and there was no challenge. He did pressure me slightly to have sex with him, but then told me afterwards that he might have wanted more than sex but realised there was no 'spark'.

    I think this is something I don't understand about men my age. They all seem to have the mentality, "find women, get laid, wait until the one comes along". I wish I could be as laid back about that stuff as they clearly are. Men seem to have all the power in relationships. I like sex but it makes me think I need to hold back a little. I don't think having sex too soon is a deal-breaker but I have to understand that most men won't think that. They will lose interest. It upsets me that most men are not honest about their intentions. I'm always straight up about whether I want more or not. But when I've had casual sex, the guys have acted weird afterwards as if I'm suddenly going to get attached, like they have some hidden guilt about it.

    I don't know whether to think this was doomed to begin with (because he was all about sex from the get go), or how much I messed it up myself. One of my friends told me that he's "full of ****" but I'm not sure yet. I know some guys want to have sex with a woman before fully making their mind up. It's hard to know whether he sees it that way (and that's why he hit on me) or whether sex was the only thing he ever wanted from me. It's confusing because it's not as if the conversation was sexual. It was just his actions which pushed it to the next level very quickly.

    Okay so I'm not an idiot but I can't believe I've been so blind. We arranged to meet up at 10pm after IM'ing. He seemed reluctant to rearrange it - said he was busy other days so pushed for a meeting. Then when we left the pub, he suggested we go to his house for another drink. He knew I was at least very tipsy at this point and possibly drunk...When we got into his house, after only half an hour or so he asked me "Do you want to go upstairs?".

    I don't know if I'm over-analysing but I'm starting to think that he's emotionally unavailable and has become really picky because of that one long term relationship he's had. He obviously doesn't want to waste his time so he's extra judicious about who he'll get involved with. But maybe that's besides the point. Maybe he just wanted a piece of my ass?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you. I know it's probably my fault for putting out. He got what he wanted and there was no challenge. He did pressure me slightly to have sex with him, but then told me afterwards that he might have wanted more than sex but realised there was no 'spark'.

    I think this is something I don't understand about men my age. They all seem to have the mentality, "find women, get laid, wait until the one comes along". I wish I could be as laid back about that stuff as they clearly are. Men seem to have all the power in relationships. I like sex but it makes me think I need to hold back a little. I don't think having sex too soon is a deal-breaker but I have to understand that most men won't think that. They will lose interest. It upsets me that most men are not honest about their intentions. I'm always straight up about whether I want more or not. But when I've had casual sex, the guys have acted weird afterwards as if I'm suddenly going to get attached, like they have some hidden guilt about it.

    I don't know whether to think this was doomed to begin with (because he was all about sex from the get go), or how much I messed it up myself. One of my friends told me that he's "full of ****" but I'm not sure yet. I know some guys want to have sex with a woman before fully making their mind up. It's hard to know whether he sees it that way (and that's why he hit on me) or whether sex was the only thing he ever wanted from me. It's confusing because it's not as if the conversation was sexual. It was just his actions which pushed it to the next level very quickly.

    Okay so I'm not an idiot but I can't believe I've been so blind. We arranged to meet up at 10pm after IM'ing. He seemed reluctant to rearrange it - said he was busy other days so pushed for a meeting. Then when we left the pub, he suggested we go to his house for another drink. He knew I was at least very tipsy at this point and possibly drunk...When we got into his house, after only half an hour or so he asked me "Do you want to go upstairs?".

    I don't know if I'm over-analysing but I'm starting to think that he's emotionally unavailable and has become really picky because of that one long term relationship he's had. He obviously doesn't want to waste his time so he's extra judicious about who he'll get involved with. But maybe that's besides the point. Maybe he just wanted a piece of my ass?
    All guys are different.

    Some will simply try and get into your pants without the intention of getting some ass and then never seeing you again.

    Some will try and get into your pants with the intention of seeing you again either way.

    Some will try and get into your pants, and will lose interest if you don't put out.

    Some won't try to get into your pants but will be open minded about the prospect

    Some won't try to get into your pants and would be put off if they thought you wanted to get into their pants.

    Some simply aren't interested at all.


    You have two choices: either learn to spot which type the guy is and act accordingly, or have the self-confidence to say "this is who I am, I do/don't believe in sex on a first date, take it or leave it", and if you find a few guys lose interest because of that then so be it.

    For example: I would probably be enthusiastic about the idea of sex on the first date. If you were too, I would see this as a good thing as it would mean we had like-minded views and it would make it more likely that I would want to get into a relationship with you.

    Other guys might disagree. You can't win 'em all.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Oh and when I was looking at something on his computer, he had lots of girls profiles up. Blah seems like this guy has limitless options.

    On the plus side, I feel slightly better because earlier that night I walked past a couple of guys and overheard one of them say "Wow. What a gorgeous girl"....guess hope is not lost.
    • #1
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    #1

    (Original post by py0alb)
    You have two choices: either learn to spot which type the guy is and act accordingly, or have the self-confidence to say "this is who I am, I do/don't believe in sex on a first date, take it or leave it", and if you find a few guys lose interest because of that then so be it.

    For example: I would probably be enthusiastic about the idea of sex on the first date. If you were too, I would see this as a good thing as it would mean we had like-minded views and it would make it more likely that I would want to get into a relationship with you.

    Other guys might disagree. You can't win 'em all.
    Thanks. I'm on the fence so I really need to sit down and think about what my point of view is. I have a pretty high sex drive and sexual compatibility is really important to me in a relationship. I simply do not want to get further attached and then realise that the sex isn't working, because then it's harder to leave. Maybe this guy thinks along the same lines as me on some level. The trouble with my views is that it leaves a lot to luck. Perhaps a good middle ground would be advocating sex on a second or third date because it would weed out the most impatient guys with lots of options and a small concentration span.
    • #1
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    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks. I'm on the fence so I really need to sit down and think about what my point of view is. I have a pretty high sex drive and sexual compatibility is really important to me in a relationship. I simply do not want to get further attached and then realise that the sex isn't working, because then it's harder to leave. Maybe this guy thinks along the same lines as me on some level. The trouble with my views is that it leaves a lot to luck. Perhaps a good middle ground would be advocating sex on a second or third date because it would weed out the most impatient guys with lots of options and a small concentration span.
    Another thing...

    The sex stuff although I don't see the point of wasting too much time, does make me feel vulnerable. I wonder because this guy told me his number is 10 and mine is only 6, that he thought the sex he had wasn't that great although he did tell me that I'm good in bed, maybe he is lying? Ah I need FWB to teach me some tricks so I don't end up with more awkward post-bedroom analysis.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks. I'm on the fence so I really need to sit down and think about what my point of view is. I have a pretty high sex drive and sexual compatibility is really important to me in a relationship. I simply do not want to get further attached and then realise that the sex isn't working, because then it's harder to leave. Maybe this guy thinks along the same lines as me on some level. The trouble with my views is that it leaves a lot to luck. Perhaps a good middle ground would be advocating sex on a second or third date because it would weed out the most impatient guys with lots of options and a small concentration span.
    That does indeed sound like a sensible plan, although there is nothing intrinsically wrong with having sex simply because you want to have sex, even if it you know its not going to go nowhere. The hotter and nicer the guy, the quicker you can do something. If you're a bit wary/undecided, then give him a few dates to convince you and then politely tell him you're not interested.

    Guys do exactly the same thing. We give the girl three dates to convince us she can actually hold a conversation about something other than the x-factor or its cyanara.


    Ps, that guy sounds like a ****.
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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by py0alb)
    Ps, that guy sounds like a ****.
    This'll sound really dense but what is it that really made you think that? It's just so I get better at weeding them out in future.

    Funnily enough he said to me "I have female friends who go for jocks and then complain that they give them a hard time as if they didn't know they were jocks to begin with". That comment (which I heard yesterday) put me slightly on edge. It seemed so unsympathetic.

    I will definitely ask a guy more questions next time. I think I want to get a better idea about how they talk about past relationships, and women to see how they react when things don't work out for them.

    You said this guy sounds like a retard,...aha maybe a retard with two degrees, a well paying job and a huge house.

    He said I'm "too coy" in bed, whatever that means. He was really desperate to get rid of me last night, but the last time was a lot nicer and cooked me breakfast and all that jazz.

    He was also really affectionate with me (hugging and kissing) but he shouldn't have been if he did not feel anything. I had this intuitive sense something was up so that's when I forced it out of him.
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    it just sounds like he's not into you.

    from where i'm sitting this is how i see it - you met up and (if we assume you weren't terrible in bed), he probably didn't fancy you that much/couldn't feel a spark, but were tipsy and ended up sleeping together - then afterwards he wasn't that bothered about meeting up again so when you did, he gave some pretty standard and cliche excuses like you're not 'the one' to let you down.

    there's nothing else to analyse...

    i'm confused as to how successful you'll be in looking for 'long term relationships', when you sleep with someone you don't know when meeting for the first time and then get way too overemotional/crazy about it when it doesn't work out.

    it is unlikely you will find a long term partner quicker by sleeping with them before you even know them properly, than by getting to know a guy first and then seeing if you have chemistry. obviously you can just have casual sex in the meantime, but in all honesty from reading this it doesn't sound as if you are able to have no strings attached sex...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This'll sound really dense but what is it that really made you think that? It's just so I get better at weeding them out in future.

    Funnily enough he said to me "I have female friends who go for jocks and then complain that they give them a hard time as if they didn't know they were jocks to begin with". That comment (which I heard yesterday) put me slightly on edge. It seemed so unsympathetic.

    I will definitely ask a guy more questions next time. I think I want to get a better idea about how they talk about past relationships, and women to see how they react when things don't work out for them.

    You said this guy sounds like a retard,...aha maybe a retard with two degrees, a well paying job and a huge house.

    He said I'm "too coy" in bed, whatever that means. He was really desperate to get rid of me last night, but the last time was a lot nicer and cooked me breakfast and all that jazz.

    He was also really affectionate with me (hugging and kissing) but he shouldn't have been if he did not feel anything. I had this intuitive sense something was up so that's when I forced it out of him.
    Like everything you've reported him as having said in breaking up with you makes him sound stupid. No wonder he's been single for 4 years.

    Plus insisting on meeting up at 10pm sounds more like he only ever intended it to be a booty call rather than a proper date.

    Anyway, the first half of what Sophie_Girl said above was also good analysis of the situation.

    I'm sure you know what "too coy" means. Only you will know whether or not that was a fair comment.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Another thing...

    The sex stuff although I don't see the point of wasting too much time, does make me feel vulnerable. I wonder because this guy told me his number is 10 and mine is only 6, that he thought the sex he had wasn't that great although he did tell me that I'm good in bed, maybe he is lying? Ah I need FWB to teach me some tricks so I don't end up with more awkward post-bedroom analysis.
    There really are no tricks. Sexual compatability is just a case of whether you have the same kinks as he has.
    • #1
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    #1

    (Original post by Sophie_girl)
    it is unlikely you will find a long term partner quicker by sleeping with them before you even know them properly, than by getting to know a guy first and then seeing if you have chemistry. obviously you can just have casual sex in the meantime, but in all honesty from reading this it doesn't sound as if you are able to have no strings attached sex...
    You might be right. I want to turn a new corner and not get in for so much casual sex. Part of the reason is that sexual compatibility is really important to me and I don't want to over-invest and then discover that the guy isn't good in bed. Maybe I can determine that a guy can be good in bed without having to try him out though? I need to find better ways. Probably I will ask how many relationships he's been him, determine which were long-term and just observe his general body language.

    I am slightly insecure about sex because both of the guys I've been long-term with were really selfish lovers. They would never do anything for me in bed, get angry at me, and just ignore me and what I needed to get off. I felt so unloved with them and so unattractive in my body. The guys I've been casual with have been far better even though they haven't loved me so I still haven't got the fully sexual experience I really want. I don't regret trying out casual because it took away some ridiculous insecurities and self-doubts I had. Realising that other guys are way better at sex gives me hope. I just need to find the one that commits to me too and really loves me enough.

    And it is actually hard for me to hold back because I have a high sex drive. I managed to contain it a bit because I realised it came partly from an insecure need to be loved, but it's not gone completely. I honestly think it'll level out if only I find a guy who's really into me, doesn't make me feel dirty or unloved when having sex and actually shows me that he really cares about me. Casual sex is a really inferior counterpart to genuine loving sex. Having it keeps my hormones in balance to stop me getting desperate because of being out of action. At the same time, I have never been with a guy who really loves me as much as he says he does so I don't know what that's like. But the casual sex has taught me something about confidence and (though I'm still not that great) being able to figure out men better.
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    I don't think guys will be that enthusiastic about discussing past relationships in huge detail early on. Its not really the done thing. You can get a clue what he's going to be like by assessing his personality (is he selfish in general etc), observing how big his schlong is, how athletic and coordinated he is, and flirtily teasing out of him some of his kinks/fantasies.

    Thats a much better way to approach it that "tell me all about your ex-girlfriends".
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    #1

    (Original post by py0alb)
    I don't think guys will be that enthusiastic about discussing past relationships in huge detail early on. Its not really the done thing. You can get a clue what he's going to be like by assessing his personality (is he selfish in general etc), observing how big his schlong is, how athletic and coordinated he is, and flirtily teasing out of him some of his kinks/fantasies.

    Thats a much better way to approach it that "tell me all about your ex-girlfriends".
    Thanks. Yeah that makes sense. And I don't mean in huge detail. All I'd want to know is how many relationships he's had, how long/serious they've been, how long he's been single for so I can assess what the status-quo is. That's not too much detail is it? I don't care to know anything else. I think I would only want to date someone with long term experience because we'd then be on the same page, and guys with long term relationship experience are more likely to be better in bed. Hm I'm going to have ask around about this. This is something I've been wanting to learn for ages - how do you tell a guy is good in bed without having sex with him? It would save me a lot of time anyway.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks. Yeah that makes sense. And I don't mean in huge detail. All I'd want to know is how many relationships he's had, how long/serious they've been, how long he's been single for so I can assess what the status-quo is. That's not too much detail is it? I don't care to know anything else. I think I would only want to date someone with long term experience because we'd then be on the same page, and guys with long term relationship experience are more likely to be better in bed. Hm I'm going to have ask around about this. This is something I've been wanting to learn for ages - how do you tell a guy is good in bed without having sex with him? It would save me a lot of time anyway.

    The thing is, everyone's definition of "good in bed" is different. What you actually want is a guy that has:

    a) the physical characteristics you find attractive or physically satisfying.
    b) similar sexual desires to you: eg similar opinions on frequency, preferred positions, anal, oral, kinky stuff etc.
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    (Original post by Kenocide)
    The main issue is that we obviously know nothing about this guy; he could be a total **** or a saint. IF he's a douche, then expect him to get in touch, meet up with you and try it on again because he thinks that after the first time he will be able to get sex from you every time he meets you / takes you out.

    All I can advise is wait. If he does nothing at all then you have your answer - you had a date and you had sex and he still isn't interested in pursuing a relationship with you so you should not pursue one with him (or you risk being used, big time). If he does get in touch and suggests another date then go, enjoy yourself, but do NOT put out. Then, if the date goes well but you don't have sex with him you will be able to judge his intentions based on what he does after that. If he seems to immediately lose interest, it is probably because he thought he was gonna get some but he didn't, in which case he is not what you're looking for. But if he stays in contact and suggests going out again despite the lack of sex after the last date then there is a much greater chance that he is actually interested in you and the potential relationship he could have with you. Perhaps abstain from sex once more and then take it from there.
    The problem is that if you have one date with sex, and another without, the guy is going to think that you've gone off him or you have some other reason for not putting out -especially as you've spoken about how liberal minded you are.

    Would have been better to save it 'till later.
 
 
 
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