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I'm a failure, and my mum makes sure I know it. Watch

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    So this is pretty long.

    My dad died when I was 8, and I'm the eldest of 5. I'd basically been told to do medicine from a young age, when I applied for my A levels I chose science and maths subjects because I wanted to do medicine for my mum. Whilst I was good at it at GCSE, anyone who's done A levels knows what a massive jump it is, add to that the fact that I wasn't even remotely interested in it. So I failed my AS and I retook and got horrible grades. I spent two years studying subjects that I knew I was rubbish at and couldn't even focus on.

    Anyway then I took humanities subjects and I'm doing extremely well, I'm currently in A2 and I'm predicted A*AA. I've had to lie to my mum saying that I'm at uni now whilst I finish my A2 exams. I'm still confused as to what I should do. I want to go and do accounting/law but I feel like my mum still thinks I'm a failure and for that reason I feel like I should just apply to do a healthcare course as it'd still be in a "medical environment." I've got some work experience back when I was hoping to do medicine and I think it's sufficient enough should I wish to apply for this course, my A levels suit their requirements as well.

    I feel like the worst person on Earth to be lying to my mum about this. What makes it worse and I think about it every damn day is the fact that it's taken me 4 years to do my A levels. 2 years of which I wasted due to my own incompetence.

    My younger sister is really smart, and I've helped her make sure she gets the best of her educational experience and in to a good sixth form etc. My mum now keeps saying stuff like "oh, she's smarter than you" "your younger sister will achieve more" and it really makes me sad because I don't see it like that at all. I want her to achieve the best and I give her the options of doing whatever she wants because I know I was so restricted for all my life. I wasn't even allowed to go swimming! I paid for her swimming lessons and argued with my mum to let her do things and gain experience so she's going to do well. My mum wants her to do medicine now but she wants to study English at Oxford and I've had to fight tooth and nail for my mum to back off and let my sister do what she wants. I guess I wish I had an older sister to stand up for me and apply to things for me.

    It's difficult being the eldest too, my mum is terrible with money so I have to deal with the finances and grocery shopping and sometimes cooking too. I've had to attend all my siblings parents meetings, fill out their application forms and clean their nappies etc when they were little and mum was still heart broken over my dad's death. I have a lot of restrictions and have had them since I was little. I just think I need a break now lol.

    On top of that all my family are always like oh so I thought you wanted to do medicine? Did you fail or something? I just can't bring myself to answer their questions and it makes my mum angry so she puts me down even more. Then she compares me to other people who have done it, and I try to tell her that perhaps it's because they have an interest in it but she just scoffs and says it's because I'm dumb. She says I've wasted my education and that she's embarrassed.

    I think about it pretty much every night and it makes me feel like ****. I don't have a job even after actively looking, I'm ugly and insecure, I know I'm a failure, I know I've been lying to my family but I just need to get through my A2 with some peace as I can't afford to mess this up and it just keeps getting to me.
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    Perhaps you should fight fire with fire and let your Mum know how selfish and incompetent she appears to be.
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    It's terrible you've had to deal with all this. But from what you've said, you are NOT a failure (predicted grades are enough to show that!), you've just been pressured into something that is not right for you.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I don't know, I could fight with her about it if I didn't agree with her lol.

    I have had people tell me I'm the sort of person who doesn't give up but I don't think so. If I had just stuck up for myself the first time round I would've completed my A levels in 2 years and been in my second year at uni by now.
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    I am so sorry about your predicament. I know it must be really hard waking up every day and trying brave and make sense of your life, responsibilities and general hardships and also balance an education.
    I would firstly like to say you are very strong for standing up for your sister and both of you having your own aspirations and goals. Parental control can be very pressuring and diminishing: because there is a very fine line between giving advice and help and trying to dominate your decisions. If I were you, I would firstly remember that your mum is (in my eyes) trying to, even if it's in a backwards way, keep your interests at heart. I say this solely because she insists you study medicine (eg you are guanteed to have a good income etc) secondly, you should be very proud to be predicted those fantastic grades- a levels are very hard and those grade are wonderful irrespective of what subjects there are. I would try to reveal to your mum that you are studying humanities (because there is nothing wrong with that!!) and tell her you ARE good at it and you ARE going to be successful in a occupation equally as proclaimed as a doctor eg a lawyer. I think you should tell her becuase you can't lie to her for the rest of your life and all of the guilt you have everyday about these lies arent good for YOU. They will be mentally draining.
    also, this will be the hardest to do, but don't let anyone bring you down. You are good in regards to your education; your grades prove that. But someone tells you you're rubbish without knowing anything about your educational past, why would you believe them? Have faith in yourself.
    If I were you, I would channel all your past frustration, pain and hardships and use that to motivate you. Becuase people have doubted you, prove them wrong. Become a successful lawyer and prove them wrong. Becuase in the past you felt restricted, try something new and something you have always wanted to do. Don't go 'rebellious crazy' but try your hardest to make a bad situation good. It will be hard but keep trying.

    And finally try and be positive! it's hard to brave a smile and face your hardships but if you do, the outcome will be extraordinary.

    I know these little tackticks help because I relate to your situation. So don't give up. If anything, do it for your little brothers and little sisters sake.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I am so sorry about your predicament. I know it must be really hard waking up every day and trying brave and make sense of your life, responsibilities and general hardships and also balance an education.
    I would firstly like to say you are very strong for standing up for your sister and both of you having your own aspirations and goals. Parental control can be very pressuring and diminishing: because there is a very fine line between giving advice and help and trying to dominate your decisions. If I were you, I would firstly remember that your mum is (in my eyes) trying to, even if it's in a backwards way, keep your interests at heart. I say this solely because she insists you study medicine (eg you are guanteed to have a good income etc) secondly, you should be very proud to be predicted those fantastic grades- a levels are very hard and those grade are wonderful irrespective of what subjects there are. I would try to reveal to your mum that you are studying humanities (because there is nothing wrong with that!!) and tell her you ARE good at it and you ARE going to be successful in a occupation equally as proclaimed as a doctor eg a lawyer. I think you should tell her becuase you can't lie to her for the rest of your life and all of the guilt you have everyday about these lies arent good for YOU. They will be mentally draining.
    also, this will be the hardest to do, but don't let anyone bring you down. You are good in regards to your education; your grades prove that. But someone tells you you're rubbish without knowing anything about your educational past, why would you believe them? Have faith in yourself.
    If I were you, I would channel all your past frustration, pain and hardships and use that to motivate you. Becuase people have doubted you, prove them wrong. Become a successful lawyer and prove them wrong. Becuase in the past you felt restricted, try something new and something you have always wanted to do. Don't go 'rebellious crazy' but try your hardest to make a bad situation good. It will be hard but keep trying.

    And finally try and be positive! it's hard to brave a smile and face your hardships but if you do, the outcome will be extraordinary.

    I know these little tackticks help because I relate to your situation. So don't give up. If anything, do it for your little brothers and little sisters sake.
    Thanks for this, it made me feel a little better.

    Right now I don't think I have the balls (metaphorically speaking) to tell my mum and I just don't want the drama that will come with it especially with exams soon and waiting for universities to acknowledge my application. Maybe I will after when I have some offers, but I'm a bit of a pussy so yeah lol.
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    OP, just remember this;

    live for yourself, not anyone else.

    Its your life at the end of the day, not hers.

    You're the one who has to live with the consequences of these decisions, not her
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    I kind of know how you feel. I'm the eldest in the family and there is a lot of pressure being in that role especially since I come from a south asian culture. I have to look after the younger siblings a lot, manage the finances of the house etc.
    My mother constantly belittles me and believes I'm a failure. My dad also thinks this. My mum even phones people up and talks about my failures and whenever she is speaking face to face with a family friend she'll bring up my 'flaws' again. Its incredibly annoying because I know what my flaws are and I know what I'm good at as well.

    My only advice is keep building up your experiences, keep studying and aim high. Then you can move out when you are successful but also help your siblings from a distance by emails/skype.
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    At the end of the day you have to make your own choices! Is your mum a doctor? and if not maybe she's been pressuring you to live the life that she didn't achieve...

    Don't worry about not going to uni at 18, i messed up my college and am now sitting additional A-levels and will be 22 by the time i go to uni (hopefully! As long as I pass these A- levels!!)

    Your mum sounds like a bit of a bad person for always putting you down, it's probably because as you grew up she started to resent you because she was getting older and you were becoming a beautiful young person, with a whole future ahead of you. Her future obviously didn't turn out exactly as she planned, what with your dad dying- but she should of been there for you, because obviously it hurt you too.

    It sounds like your mum should of had some help looking after you kids, because you were still a child and shouldn't have had to grow up so quickly. But that's in the past now, there's nothing that can be done about it, so try to be strong and understand you mum's point of view- she's only human after all! Don't worry about lying, if it comes to it, you can explain later why you felt you had to, but just focus on yourself, your exams and your future!! Good luck!!!
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    (Original post by Luxray)
    I kind of know how you feel. I'm the eldest in the family and there is a lot of pressure being in that role especially since I come from a south asian culture. I have to look after the younger siblings a lot, manage the finances of the house etc.
    My mother constantly belittles me and believes I'm a failure. My dad also thinks this. My mum even phones people up and talks about my failures and whenever she is speaking face to face with a family friend she'll bring up my 'flaws' again. Its incredibly annoying because I know what my flaws are and I know what I'm good at as well.

    My only advice is keep building up your experiences, keep studying and aim high. Then you can move out when you are successful but also help your siblings from a distance by emails/skype.
    Yeah I'm south asian too, and my family are the type to think that "no profession is a good profession unless it's a medical profession"

    I think she finds it incredibly annoying when I try to make myself aware of past history. Recently I was brushing up on my history of Russia, Germany and China and she told me what's the point it's not going to help me achieve and be successful. She doesn't even understand that I like to read books and keep up with politics just out of pleasure rather than to get ahead academically.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Bobbi!)
    At the end of the day you have to make your own choices! Is your mum a doctor? and if not maybe she's been pressuring you to live the life that she didn't achieve...

    Don't worry about not going to uni at 18, i messed up my college and am now sitting additional A-levels and will be 22 by the time i go to uni (hopefully! As long as I pass these A- levels!!)

    Your mum sounds like a bit of a bad person for always putting you down, it's probably because as you grew up she started to resent you because she was getting older and you were becoming a beautiful young person, with a whole future ahead of you. Her future obviously didn't turn out exactly as she planned, what with your dad dying- but she should of been there for you, because obviously it hurt you too.

    It sounds like your mum should of had some help looking after you kids, because you were still a child and shouldn't have had to grow up so quickly. But that's in the past now, there's nothing that can be done about it, so try to be strong and understand you mum's point of view- she's only human after all! Don't worry about lying, if it comes to it, you can explain later why you felt you had to, but just focus on yourself, your exams and your future!! Good luck!!!
    I don't mind at all helping with my siblings from a young age, I think I enjoyed the responsibility albeit I grew up too quickly and didn't really have a childhood. I was always the mature one so I assume she thought I'd make a better doctor. I don't blame her for wanting me to do it, I just wish I didn't succumb to that pressure and waste the two years. It would've saved me a lot of hassle currently.

    Thanks for your comment
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah I'm south asian too, and my family are the type to think that "no profession is a good profession unless it's a medical profession"

    I think she finds it incredibly annoying when I try to make myself aware of past history. Recently I was brushing up on my history of Russia, Germany and China and she told me what's the point it's not going to help me achieve and be successful. She doesn't even understand that I like to read books and keep up with politics just out of pleasure rather than to get ahead academically.
    I think its clear that when your father passed away its had a damaging effect on your mother. She's cynical and thinks negatively which is understandable given that I assume she tried to raise children all on her own (yeah she didn't do a fabulous job but you're all walking and talking so thats something). I would advise you to tell her reading books for pleasure whether its fiction or non fiction is a good way to relax and everyone needs a break from studies sometime.
    Why not try to get HER into some sort of hobby so she can relax, like baking or find some books in her native language that she would find interesting.

    I do think she has a point about your decision to give up medicine, have you thought out clearly what you want to do. Construct a good argument to reassure her that your chosen degree and career path is quite lucrative and reputable. Don't you have any successful members in your extended family that can vouch for you? For example I highly doubt my parents would have let me study Economics because they didn't know much about it but once they heard some of my uncles and cousins say its a good degree to do, they were okay with it. I'm sure there must be someone who you and youre mum know that understands medicine isn't the only thing thats good.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah I'm south asian too, and my family are the type to think that "no profession is a good profession unless it's a medical profession"

    I think she finds it incredibly annoying when I try to make myself aware of past history. Recently I was brushing up on my history of Russia, Germany and China and she told me what's the point it's not going to help me achieve and be successful. She doesn't even understand that I like to read books and keep up with politics just out of pleasure rather than to get ahead academically.
    You need to fight fire with fire...in a way. Like she said that knowing this kind of history is pointless, find a logical reason why it isn't.

    My mum insisted I do medicine as well, I was hell-bent against it and wanted to study law instead. My parents keps calling me a failure and putting me down, they were never happy with any of the decisions I made. Eventually, I skipped out of home at 16 with a scholarship to a boarding school for sixth form and that was the best thing that could happen to me. Being away from that negative environment gave me the strength and confidence I needed to do what I wanted.

    They still don't like the fact that I'm becoming a lawyer, so two days ago, when my mum brought it up again, I lost my temper and told her to go study medicine if she's that obsessed with it. My mum cried and dad called me a horrible son, I called them narrow-minded incompetents, words were exchanged that can never be taken back and I have no idea where my relationship with my parents is going.

    My point is this OP: Don't bottle this up! I bottled it up like a champ and ran away from home to do my IB Diploma and then straight to uni. I avoided home like the plague for years and only spent 2-3 months there a year just to avoid my parents. It created a huge strain on our relationship and they just latched onto insulting my 'shortcomings' all the more. I never said anything and eventually it blew up in my face spectacularly. Don't let that happen to you.

    Best of luck!
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    How does your mother believe you're at uni? What about parent evening etc
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    Your mum sounds like the failure not you.
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    It sounds like she's trying to live her life through you because she's crap at managing herself
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    At least she doesn't tell you you are disgusting, like my mum
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    WOW. OP, are you Asian?

    Seriously though, so much family-breaking fuss just so that you can walk down a ward with a stethoscope around your neck! It's crazy!

    I'm Asian and I've never seen this rather stereotypical practice go so out of hand in reality.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So this is pretty long.

    My dad died when I was 8, and I'm the eldest of 5. I'd basically been told to do medicine from a young age, when I applied for my A levels I chose science and maths subjects because I wanted to do medicine for my mum. Whilst I was good at it at GCSE, anyone who's done A levels knows what a massive jump it is, add to that the fact that I wasn't even remotely interested in it. So I failed my AS and I retook and got horrible grades. I spent two years studying subjects that I knew I was rubbish at and couldn't even focus on.

    Anyway then I took humanities subjects and I'm doing extremely well, I'm currently in A2 and I'm predicted A*AA. I've had to lie to my mum saying that I'm at uni now whilst I finish my A2 exams. I'm still confused as to what I should do. I want to go and do accounting/law but I feel like my mum still thinks I'm a failure and for that reason I feel like I should just apply to do a healthcare course as it'd still be in a "medical environment." I've got some work experience back when I was hoping to do medicine and I think it's sufficient enough should I wish to apply for this course, my A levels suit their requirements as well.

    I feel like the worst person on Earth to be lying to my mum about this. What makes it worse and I think about it every damn day is the fact that it's taken me 4 years to do my A levels. 2 years of which I wasted due to my own incompetence.

    My younger sister is really smart, and I've helped her make sure she gets the best of her educational experience and in to a good sixth form etc. My mum now keeps saying stuff like "oh, she's smarter than you" "your younger sister will achieve more" and it really makes me sad because I don't see it like that at all. I want her to achieve the best and I give her the options of doing whatever she wants because I know I was so restricted for all my life. I wasn't even allowed to go swimming! I paid for her swimming lessons and argued with my mum to let her do things and gain experience so she's going to do well. My mum wants her to do medicine now but she wants to study English at Oxford and I've had to fight tooth and nail for my mum to back off and let my sister do what she wants. I guess I wish I had an older sister to stand up for me and apply to things for me.

    It's difficult being the eldest too, my mum is terrible with money so I have to deal with the finances and grocery shopping and sometimes cooking too. I've had to attend all my siblings parents meetings, fill out their application forms and clean their nappies etc when they were little and mum was still heart broken over my dad's death. I have a lot of restrictions and have had them since I was little. I just think I need a break now lol.

    On top of that all my family are always like oh so I thought you wanted to do medicine? Did you fail or something? I just can't bring myself to answer their questions and it makes my mum angry so she puts me down even more. Then she compares me to other people who have done it, and I try to tell her that perhaps it's because they have an interest in it but she just scoffs and says it's because I'm dumb. She says I've wasted my education and that she's embarrassed.

    I think about it pretty much every night and it makes me feel like ****. I don't have a job even after actively looking, I'm ugly and insecure, I know I'm a failure, I know I've been lying to my family but I just need to get through my A2 with some peace as I can't afford to mess this up and it just keeps getting to me.
    live your life for yourself. parents shouldn't have children so they live and turn out a particular way, that's selfish. do what you want and what makes you happy, your mum will either get over it or she won't and if she doesn't you can't do anything to change that. If your mum truly loved you she would just want you to be happy. life is too short to be living your life to please others and in the end I think you just end up resenting the person your trying to please, making yourself miserable in the process. do whatever makes you happy! don't listen to anybody else!
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    With predicted grades like that, please make sure you apply to good Russell Group universities so you maximise your chances of getting a great graduate job and (if you wish) demonstrating to your mum what a terrific success you will make of your life.

    But even if you are never able to prove yourself to your mother - prove yourself to yourself. Self-respect is so important. I think you'll find that once you leave home and are able to spend time studying and discovering who you are, you will find lots about yourself to like, and your self-confidence will grow.

    Good luck!
 
 
 
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