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I'm a failure, and my mum makes sure I know it. Watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So this is pretty long.

    My dad died when I was 8, and I'm the eldest of 5. I'd basically been told to do medicine from a young age, when I applied for my A levels I chose science and maths subjects because I wanted to do medicine for my mum. Whilst I was good at it at GCSE, anyone who's done A levels knows what a massive jump it is, add to that the fact that I wasn't even remotely interested in it. So I failed my AS and I retook and got horrible grades. I spent two years studying subjects that I knew I was rubbish at and couldn't even focus on.

    Anyway then I took humanities subjects and I'm doing extremely well, I'm currently in A2 and I'm predicted A*AA. I've had to lie to my mum saying that I'm at uni now whilst I finish my A2 exams. I'm still confused as to what I should do. I want to go and do accounting/law but I feel like my mum still thinks I'm a failure and for that reason I feel like I should just apply to do a healthcare course as it'd still be in a "medical environment." I've got some work experience back when I was hoping to do medicine and I think it's sufficient enough should I wish to apply for this course, my A levels suit their requirements as well.

    I feel like the worst person on Earth to be lying to my mum about this. What makes it worse and I think about it every damn day is the fact that it's taken me 4 years to do my A levels. 2 years of which I wasted due to my own incompetence.

    My younger sister is really smart, and I've helped her make sure she gets the best of her educational experience and in to a good sixth form etc. My mum now keeps saying stuff like "oh, she's smarter than you" "your younger sister will achieve more" and it really makes me sad because I don't see it like that at all. I want her to achieve the best and I give her the options of doing whatever she wants because I know I was so restricted for all my life. I wasn't even allowed to go swimming! I paid for her swimming lessons and argued with my mum to let her do things and gain experience so she's going to do well. My mum wants her to do medicine now but she wants to study English at Oxford and I've had to fight tooth and nail for my mum to back off and let my sister do what she wants. I guess I wish I had an older sister to stand up for me and apply to things for me.

    It's difficult being the eldest too, my mum is terrible with money so I have to deal with the finances and grocery shopping and sometimes cooking too. I've had to attend all my siblings parents meetings, fill out their application forms and clean their nappies etc when they were little and mum was still heart broken over my dad's death. I have a lot of restrictions and have had them since I was little. I just think I need a break now lol.

    On top of that all my family are always like oh so I thought you wanted to do medicine? Did you fail or something? I just can't bring myself to answer their questions and it makes my mum angry so she puts me down even more. Then she compares me to other people who have done it, and I try to tell her that perhaps it's because they have an interest in it but she just scoffs and says it's because I'm dumb. She says I've wasted my education and that she's embarrassed.

    I think about it pretty much every night and it makes me feel like ****. I don't have a job even after actively looking, I'm ugly and insecure, I know I'm a failure, I know I've been lying to my family but I just need to get through my A2 with some peace as I can't afford to mess this up and it just keeps getting to me.

    There has been so much good and helpful support, so I am not really adding to that. Just wanted to say stay strong and also that you sound maybe a bit depressed. Have you considered going to see your GP?


    thinking of you x
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    OP,

    For sure you've had a more challenging upbringing what with the loss of your father. I can understand and relate to much of what you've said.

    Without trying to psycho-analyse, I think your mum wants to feel she has done a good job with you and that, in her eyes, equates to you being a doctor. Now of course this mentality is incorrect - but family and cultural pressures have convinced her that you'll only be respected if you're a doctor (and this in turn will make her feel respected for doing a good job with you).

    Without wanting to sound harsh, its an outdated mentality, but does exisit commonly.

    What i'd say is, you're far, FAR from being a failure and you need to stop viewing yourself as one. Life is a journey, sometimes the path isnt as straight as you'd want it. Sometimes you have to take the longer route. What matter's is that you don't give in, you try what you can, and that in the end, you have something to show for it.

    The fact you take care of your siblings is superb. I love the fact you fight for your younger sister to ensure she has the experiences and opportunities you clearly feel you didnt. Doesn't that make you feel good? Doesn't that make you feel like something worthwhile? You're changing someone else's life for the better. Be proud of it!

    Be proud of what you're doing. You will hopefully go on to get good grades. Concentrate on what you think you'll like to do at university. Make plans for your career and life. Its all a journey.

    A final thing about your Mum. she has your best interests at heart (even with all the put downs - i know what this is like). Try not to take it to heart. Try to use it as motivation to show her that you will achieve great things, cos you will. And finally, she means well - but it doesn't mean parents are always right.

    Best wishes.
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    #1

    (Original post by printergirl)
    How does your mother believe you're at uni? What about parent evening etc
    She's interested in the thought of University and Medicine but she's not aware of the concepts and structure and depth of anything. Plus she's not happy with my decision so she doesn't tend to inquire about it. I prefer it that way tbh, I don't want to build on this web of lies I've already got going on.

    Thank you so much for the responses guys they've been overwhelming! I've just been keeping myself preoccupied with studying and browsing TSR. I will hopefully feel a little better about myself after I complete January exams and get the results for them. Hopefully they're worth it lol.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anyway then I took humanities subjects and I'm doing extremely well, I'm currently in A2 and I'm predicted A*AA. I've had to lie to my mum saying that I'm at uni now whilst I finish my A2 exams. I'm still confused as to what I should do. I want to go and do accounting/law but I feel like my mum still thinks I'm a failure and for that reason I feel like I should just apply to do a healthcare course as it'd still be in a "medical environment." I've got some work experience back when I was hoping to do medicine and I think it's sufficient enough should I wish to apply for this course, my A levels suit their requirements as well.
    Nobody seems to have answered this part of your post, OP. I do hope you will apply for a subject you want to study, and know you'll be good at, rather than applying for something in 'a medical environment' just for the sake of it?
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    oh my god and when you say to them; "well if being a doctor is so amazing why aren't you one" and then they reply with "I didn't grow up here and everything here is so much easier to achieve. If I'd grown up here I could have become the best doctor ever"
    and you think
    "yeah whatever because it's as easy as drinking a glass of water"

    ¬.¬ asian parents are just unbelievable sometimes
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anyway then I took humanities subjects and I'm doing extremely well, I'm currently in A2 and I'm predicted A*AA. I've had to lie to my mum saying that I'm at uni now whilst I finish my A2 exams. I'm still confused as to what I should do. I want to go and do accounting/law but I feel like my mum still thinks I'm a failure and for that reason I feel like I should just apply to do a healthcare course as it'd still be in a "medical environment." I've got some work experience back when I was hoping to do medicine and I think it's sufficient enough should I wish to apply for this course, my A levels suit their requirements as well.
    DON'T DO HEALTHCARE!!!

    If you don't enjoy it, anyway. No matter how successful you are in healthcare, your mum will always see it as 'not a doctor', you'll be miserable, and you will have wasted your chance to do what you really want with those fantastic grade predictions. Do law or accountancy, get rich, and make your Mum (or at least sister) proud. Nobody ever got anywhere by compromising on their life choices under pressure.

    I'm not Asian though, so perhaps I'm talking out of my a*se. Good luck
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    Your definitely not a failure, things ain't been easy for you and you have took it on the chin and kept it all together to try and do well for yourself, I have a lot of respect for you helping your siblings and making sure they ain't forced to do stuff like you was, they will realize this one day and appreciate you for it for many years to come!
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    I wonder why your mum didnt become a doctor herself if she likes it soo much -.-...., ignore her and follow your own path, which you seem to be doing soo well at.
 
 
 
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