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    Ok this may be long so bare with me.

    I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years (since I was 19 now 21). She is literally my rock, my everything, I love her unconditionally and I would give her the world if I could. My past relationship I was with a girl for 3 years who ended up cheating on me then I left her, I met my current girlfriend a couple of years later and she was so different literally perfection.

    At the beginning of our relationship, my girlfriend made a mistake and kissed a man on a night out, which she really did regret, I took her back and everything was fine. Although this added to my trust issues from my previous relationship. To cut a long story short, my current girlfriend does have history with another man who she dated for 2 years before she got with me. He cheated on her and slept with girls behind her back and really hurt her. The other day I found out that she randomly started inboxing her ex boyfriend (after 2 years of hardly speaking) asking how he is, bringing up the past and how much they loved each other in the past and also arranging to meet up swapping numbers and talking over the phone, The guy also talked about how sorry he was an he regretted hurting her and it would be good to meet up to see how different they are together. When I confronted her about it she said she was just meeting up as friends, but the whole conversation was really flirty and swapping numbers and talking over the phone after not speaking for 2 years is a bit strange. Also she said that 'because of the way they broke up, she wanted to meet up with him to give him closure' but then I said how can you give him closure it's like your egging him on? (hes still obviously in love with her after 2 years of being apart).

    Anyway, I have broken up with her over it after 2 years, I love her to bits and met up with her today to talk about things, she said that I should go and have fun and meet new people because she's just going to hurt me. I asked if she wanted to be with me anymore and she said no because you will never trust me and its not a good foundation for a relationship. A couple of days previous to this she told me that if I asked her to Marry me she would say yes, she even talked about getting engaged (Shes 22).

    The main thing that's on my mind is her being with other people, I hate the thought of it, she was like my rock and my best friend and I feel like I have lost both but I cannot explain why she has done this. Our relationship was pretty perfect, I was 100% loyal and never gave her any reason to doubt me. It's totally out of the blue that she has messaged him. I'm stuck in a really depressing world right now and I'm genuinely gutted about the whole situation.

    Can anyone give me any advice on why shes done this? I'm so confused! she told me that she wouldn't go back to her ex what so ever because it would be 'bizarre'.
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    That is a horrible situation to be in and I am sorry to hear it. It sounds like from the beginning of the relationship she hasn't been taking it as seriously as you, and may have just paid lip service with regards to the marriage comment to make life easier. If a relationship is to be based on trust and sincerity, you do not start up a new one by cheating on your boyfriend/girlfriend. The messaging of her ex makes me think she isn't the type to settle down into a relationship right now, or was using it as a reason to end things. Either way, the impression I get is that the relationship commitment was stronger from you and rose tinted glasses covered her part. It will hurt given the trust and effort you put into the relationship, but you can question whether you could really have married a woman who had cheated on you once and gone behind your back after? In the long-run I am sure you will find someone more suitable, but I'm not going to lie, I imagine the recovery will be tough (but manageable).
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    (Original post by ForKicks)
    That is a horrible situation to be in and I am sorry to hear it. It sounds like from the beginning of the relationship she hasn't been taking it as seriously as you, and may have just paid lip service with regards to the marriage comment to make life easier. If a relationship is to be based on trust and sincerity, you do not start up a new one by cheating on your boyfriend/girlfriend. The messaging of her ex makes me think she isn't the type to settle down into a relationship right now, or was using it as a reason to end things. Either way, the impression I get is that the relationship commitment was stronger from you and rose tinted glasses covered her part. It will hurt given the trust and effort you put into the relationship, but you can question whether you could really have married a woman who had cheated on you once and gone behind your back after? In the long-run I am sure you will find someone more suitable, but I'm not going to lie, I imagine the recovery will be tough (but manageable).
    I agree with all of this. She's not done the worst thing in the world by speaking to her ex again but I think it shows that something is lacking from your relationship (if everything was perfect, she wouldn't have started speaking to her ex again). Or, she's simply just not as into the relationship as you are. Either way, it isn't a good foundation for a relationship and it was fair of her to admit that. I think you should accept that the relationship is not built on strong foundations - and certainly not strong enough for marriage - and move on. It will be difficult but I think, if you stayed together, you'd only be postponing the inevitable.
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    (Original post by tubsey123)
    Ok this may be long so bare with me.

    I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years (since I was 19 now 21). She is literally my rock, my everything, I love her unconditionally and I would give her the world if I could. My past relationship I was with a girl for 3 years who ended up cheating on me then I left her, I met my current girlfriend a couple of years later and she was so different literally perfection.

    At the beginning of our relationship, my girlfriend made a mistake and kissed a man on a night out, which she really did regret, I took her back and everything was fine. Although this added to my trust issues from my previous relationship. To cut a long story short, my current girlfriend does have history with another man who she dated for 2 years before she got with me. He cheated on her and slept with girls behind her back and really hurt her. The other day I found out that she randomly started inboxing her ex boyfriend (after 2 years of hardly speaking) asking how he is, bringing up the past and how much they loved each other in the past and also arranging to meet up swapping numbers and talking over the phone, The guy also talked about how sorry he was an he regretted hurting her and it would be good to meet up to see how different they are together. When I confronted her about it she said she was just meeting up as friends, but the whole conversation was really flirty and swapping numbers and talking over the phone after not speaking for 2 years is a bit strange. Also she said that 'because of the way they broke up, she wanted to meet up with him to give him closure' but then I said how can you give him closure it's like your egging him on? (hes still obviously in love with her after 2 years of being apart).

    Anyway, I have broken up with her over it after 2 years, I love her to bits and met up with her today to talk about things, she said that I should go and have fun and meet new people because she's just going to hurt me. I asked if she wanted to be with me anymore and she said no because you will never trust me and its not a good foundation for a relationship. A couple of days previous to this she told me that if I asked her to Marry me she would say yes, she even talked about getting engaged (Shes 22).

    The main thing that's on my mind is her being with other people, I hate the thought of it, she was like my rock and my best friend and I feel like I have lost both but I cannot explain why she has done this. Our relationship was pretty perfect, I was 100% loyal and never gave her any reason to doubt me. It's totally out of the blue that she has messaged him. I'm stuck in a really depressing world right now and I'm genuinely gutted about the whole situation.

    Can anyone give me any advice on why shes done this? I'm so confused! she told me that she wouldn't go back to her ex what so ever because it would be 'bizarre'.
    You cannot resent your ex for contacting her ex to gain closure. Yes it may seem out of blue but sometimes guilt and the longing for closure may rear up from the past despite it happening so long ago and you just want to put things right. Don't take that personally. It may not be something that you've done or not done that led her to him, maybe it's just a desire to put things right and not have any bad blood between them. Maybe the guilt has carried with her that it all ended badly and she may have wanted to change that for old time's sake.

    Yes, it's natural that you'd feel betrayed emotionally especially if their conversations have been flirty and they've been reminiscing and talking about the past and how much they've loved each other. I don't know how to reassure you about this but maybe it's just nostalgia and old feelings coming back. Especially if he was her first love, she'll bound to still have a special place for him in her heart despite all that's happened. But if she reassures you that she doesn't want to be with him, you have to trust her. If there is no trust in a relationship, then there is no foundation and you're whole relationship will be filled with worry and doubt. You should never feel that way. Trust is important and you should be comfortable.

    But she has given you reason to mistrust her in the past so it's completely understandable that you'd mistrust her now. Talk to her. Do you think you can get past this? Is the relationship worth working at? Will you be able to regain trust? Does she want to be with you?
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    That's awful. Really sorry it happened, and it will be so difficult to get over. Trust me im still there..
    But the fact she told you to move on because she will only hurt you might be her way of saying she wants to move on. Its difficult to understand i know, but maybe this is for the best. She obviously started talking to him again for a reason and whatever that reason is, it was inappropriate and unfair. But well done for ending things, my ex was talking to his ex after being with me for 6months, i didn't break up with him and 3 years down the line realized what a mistake i had made by staying with him. It is going to be really hard though, sorry xx
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    (Original post by hali0112)
    You cannot resent your ex for contacting her ex to gain closure. Yes it may seem out of blue but sometimes guilt and the longing for closure may rear up from the past despite it happening so long ago and you just want to put things right. Don't take that personally. It may not be something that you've done or not done that led her to him, maybe it's just a desire to put things right and not have any bad blood between them. Maybe the guilt has carried with her that it all ended badly and she may have wanted to change that for old time's sake.

    Yes, it's natural that you'd feel betrayed emotionally especially if their conversations have been flirty and they've been reminiscing and talking about the past and how much they've loved each other. I don't know how to reassure you about this but maybe it's just nostalgia and old feelings coming back. Especially if he was her first love, she'll bound to still have a special place for him in her heart despite all that's happened. But if she reassures you that she doesn't want to be with him, you have to trust her. If there is no trust in a relationship, then there is no foundation and you're whole relationship will be filled with worry and doubt. You should never feel that way. Trust is important and you should be comfortable.

    But she has given you reason to mistrust her in the past so it's completely understandable that you'd mistrust her now. Talk to her. Do you think you can get past this? Is the relationship worth working at? Will you be able to regain trust? Does she want to be with you?
    I completely understand what your saying here, I know that they where talking but I've never really been in a situation to want to talk to my ex again so I can't really relate to it. If I do think about it though the conversation was flirty and they did swap numbers and arrange to meet up. Maybe it would be due to them wanting friendship but he is really full on telling her how sorry he was for the past and he believes they can come together in the future in a relationship. The relationship is worth working at but what am I supposed to do when she tells me that we can't be together because I'll never trust her, do you think she will come back if I give her some space and time to think? She said she does want to be with me but she can't. How do you regain trust? I asked her to build a new relationship with me and forget the past with new foundations and things. I'm not sure I'm just confused at the moment.

    P.S. - Also I have to ask myself why she has contacted her ex after 2 years of not talking. Surely she would have done it sooner if she was after closure.
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    (Original post by tubsey123)
    Ok this may be long so bare with me.

    I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years (since I was 19 now 21). She is literally my rock, my everything, I love her unconditionally and I would give her the world if I could. My past relationship I was with a girl for 3 years who ended up cheating on me then I left her, I met my current girlfriend a couple of years later and she was so different literally perfection.

    At the beginning of our relationship, my girlfriend made a mistake and kissed a man on a night out, which she really did regret, I took her back and everything was fine. Although this added to my trust issues from my previous relationship. To cut a long story short, my current girlfriend does have history with another man who she dated for 2 years before she got with me. He cheated on her and slept with girls behind her back and really hurt her. The other day I found out that she randomly started inboxing her ex boyfriend (after 2 years of hardly speaking) asking how he is, bringing up the past and how much they loved each other in the past and also arranging to meet up swapping numbers and talking over the phone, The guy also talked about how sorry he was an he regretted hurting her and it would be good to meet up to see how different they are together. When I confronted her about it she said she was just meeting up as friends, but the whole conversation was really flirty and swapping numbers and talking over the phone after not speaking for 2 years is a bit strange. Also she said that 'because of the way they broke up, she wanted to meet up with him to give him closure' but then I said how can you give him closure it's like your egging him on? (hes still obviously in love with her after 2 years of being apart).

    Anyway, I have broken up with her over it after 2 years, I love her to bits and met up with her today to talk about things, she said that I should go and have fun and meet new people because she's just going to hurt me. I asked if she wanted to be with me anymore and she said no because you will never trust me and its not a good foundation for a relationship. A couple of days previous to this she told me that if I asked her to Marry me she would say yes, she even talked about getting engaged (Shes 22).

    The main thing that's on my mind is her being with other people, I hate the thought of it, she was like my rock and my best friend and I feel like I have lost both but I cannot explain why she has done this. Our relationship was pretty perfect, I was 100% loyal and never gave her any reason to doubt me. It's totally out of the blue that she has messaged him. I'm stuck in a really depressing world right now and I'm genuinely gutted about the whole situation.

    Can anyone give me any advice on why shes done this? I'm so confused! she told me that she wouldn't go back to her ex what so ever because it would be 'bizarre'.
    the same way you feel hard done by because she ended it, means that she is ready to move on and you aint. when her ex -bf cheated and it ended, se was hurt and he moved on, she still has feelings for him and you were the fallback guy. she will most likely be in a relationship with him again.

    girls can be *****es , its time you move on , cut her phone number, social media contacts and basically cut her existance from your life. the only was to move forward is that way! othrwise your always going to be thinking or following he Fb profile. remove evrything connected to her and you , and then go out to find someone new or for some fun.
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    My view is that if you're really over your ex, you have no interest in giving them closure. You've moved on. That's it. There's no way you're going to open that door again. Just my perspective. I don't dislike my exes but I have no interest in talking to them again. I certainly don't owe them my attention. I'm not dating anyone but if I was, I'd make a point of telling my boyfriend that the ex had contacted me and that I hadn't replied. I'd show him and delete the message.

    It sounds like, and it's hard to acknowledge, that possibly the relationship was doomed from the start because of her emotionally unavailability i.e. not being over her ex. If she hadn't moved on properly, she might have used you (maybe subconsciously) to piece her heart back together, felt better and then suddenly realised that she didn't love you as much as she thought. You can screen people to stop falling into that situation. This is one of those questions you ask when you first get to know someone. You ask when they were last in a relationship and you check how they talk about their ex to see if it seems like they're ready to move on.

    In relationships which have been going well for me, my attraction towards the guy has been so intense that every guy is blocked out. That's deep attraction for you. The fact that she slipped by kissing another guy seems to suggest that her attraction towards you was never that deep (and I speak from experience).

    She might say she's not into her ex, but she might not be self-aware to even realise where her behaviour has come from. But the real answer is in how she reacted to the break-up. When you talked to her over coffee, she pushed you out by saying that you couldn't trust her enough to be in a relationship with her. I don't necessarily think she had to fight to get you back but she could have offered some explanation to draw away from your opinion of what happened. Instead she has said you can't trust her so she seems to be acknowledging how you feel about it, but not contesting what you said.
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    (Original post by tubsey123)
    I completely understand what your saying here, I know that they where talking but I've never really been in a situation to want to talk to my ex again so I can't really relate to it. If I do think about it though the conversation was flirty and they did swap numbers and arrange to meet up. Maybe it would be due to them wanting friendship but he is really full on telling her how sorry he was for the past and he believes they can come together in the future in a relationship. The relationship is worth working at but what am I supposed to do when she tells me that we can't be together because I'll never trust her, do you think she will come back if I give her some space and time to think? She said she does want to be with me but she can't. How do you regain trust? I asked her to build a new relationship with me and forget the past with new foundations and things. I'm not sure I'm just confused at the moment.

    P.S. - Also I have to ask myself why she has contacted her ex after 2 years of not talking. Surely she would have done it sooner if she was after closure.
    It sounds like you are in need of proper closure. It is only worth working at again if you know she feels as strongly as you do, otherwise if you did get back together you will always be making up excuses for her behaviour and may end just as badly further down the line.
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    (Original post by tubsey123)
    I completely understand what your saying here, I know that they where talking but I've never really been in a situation to want to talk to my ex again so I can't really relate to it. If I do think about it though the conversation was flirty and they did swap numbers and arrange to meet up. Maybe it would be due to them wanting friendship but he is really full on telling her how sorry he was for the past and he believes they can come together in the future in a relationship. The relationship is worth working at but what am I supposed to do when she tells me that we can't be together because I'll never trust her, do you think she will come back if I give her some space and time to think? She said she does want to be with me but she can't. How do you regain trust? I asked her to build a new relationship with me and forget the past with new foundations and things. I'm not sure I'm just confused at the moment.

    P.S. - Also I have to ask myself why she has contacted her ex after 2 years of not talking. Surely she would have done it sooner if she was after closure.
    It's a good sign that she said she doesn't want to be with her ex and that she wants to be with you. But you both need to want to make it work. You can't force it but she has to be eager to want to make it work too. Time and space could be good but from personal experience time and space just shows an ex that you're no longer interested and that pushes your ex to someone else and then it's too late. I would keep in contact. Don't pressure her but keep on good terms and talk to each other and let it go from there. Talk to her. Listen to her and be open. Tell her that you want to make it work. Be honest and give her a chance if you want to salvage what you have. That way you know you've done all you can.

    It'll take time to regain trust. She must be willing to change her behavior and show you that she can be trusted. If you want to trust her again, you must not pressure her and disbelieve her and give her the benefit of doubt.

    It's not easy to forget the past and you must try and understand and see it from her point of view. As a girl, I will always love my first love even though mine too hurt me. I want to move on but I too would want to keep on good terms for old time's sake. I couldn't just ignore him and act like it never happened. Even though my ex hurt me too I still had good times and for that reason would want something good to come from it for closure.

    Time is irrelevant for closure. For her maybe she needed the time to recover and get over the pain and now she feels strong enough to contact him again.

    Yes, you can't predict what her ex will do. He may as you say still have feelings for her but if you want to salvage your relationship, you have to trust that she doesn't want to be with him but that she wants to be with you.
 
 
 
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