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Too difficult to love me Watch

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    #1

    Hi.

    I'm not really sure what I want from any responses to this thread, except honest opinions I suppose. I'll try to keep it brief. I'm female, 22.

    I feel I'm too much of a depressive person up to be tied up to another person in a relationship, and I've never been close enough to anyone to try, but I honestly have written any kind of relationship off, ever.

    Problem is I get these bouts of feeling really 'down', really low and all sorts of dark thoughts go through my mind. Ever since I can remember I've had this mentality; as a kid people said I was 'serious' all the time, and would ask me whether I knew how to speak because I was so quiet and kept myself to myself. I would cry a lot, I wasn't a happy kid. I even - and this sounds bad I know - wished I could die. Not in a horrible emo way, I just really didn't enjoy living, felt unsatisfied with life, and I believed in heaven so I just wanted to go to a place of peace and beauty, escape from life. I'd just read and dream all day to avoid the reality I hated. I think I was (still am) really oversensitive and found it hard to deal with the smallest upsetting things in life. I’ve always been drawn to listening, reading, watching more moody, dark art and literature. I just relate to it and I guess feel it helps me deal with these depressions because it makes it easier to handle, by making it beautiful.

    It's just the way my brain's wired, it’s ****** up. Often I just get these moods where I want to be alone, sit in the dark, go stand in a field in the rain etc. just be alone even though what’s going on in my head feels unbearable. Then I'm alright for a while, around people I can forget and I probably appear pretty happy and upbeat to people who don't know me very well, which is the majority of people in my life. My parents know how bad I can be, but they’ve seen me all my life so they know and they're just a bit bewildered about it. I hate talking about my state of mind or anything really personal to anyone, and this is clearly another obstacle to having a relationship.

    I have to drag myself out of bed everyday, often past midday, I do all sorts of little stupid self destructive things for no reason at all. I just find life is a chore, and I don't know how anyone else could deal with that being in a relationship with me, if I can't deal with it myself. I know I won’t commit suicide, although sometimes feel despairing, because I’m a coward, and don’t necessarily want to die. I just have so little faith in myself, and the possibility of enjoying anything in life.

    I'm really sorry this sounds so stupid. But I'm 22. I'm not unsociable, I like good company, I long for the company of people who understand me. I've always blocked off anything romantically, and my closest friends don't know how barren my love life has been. It’s just not a possibility in my mind, not something I want to attempt or dream about. Yet of course, as is only natural, it’s something I yearn for. I’m not unattractive, and people are always surprised at my lack of experience. I’ve only ever done ‘stuff’ when drunk, (and only 2/3 times in my whole life) and this just adds to my self-disgust because I regret it hugely, it’ so opposed to my principles, and just emphasises the lack of anything meaningful in my life.

    Er, sorry this is so long. Basically, I’ve come to realise that there’s nothing I can do about my low moods ( I don’t label myself depressed, because it’s been like this all my life plus I seem ok) and nothing will change. If I was better in my teens, I’m worse now. It’s perpetual, it doesn’t go away. I just don’t see how anyone will ever want to live with that. I don’t think I can change, and I’ll probably drive away anyone who gives me a chance thinking I’m sane which they will think before they get to know me really, really well. I’ve never felt with heartache and I honestly don’t know how I’ll cope.
    • #2
    #2

    I'm the same. I feel your pain OP
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    I can relate to a lot of what you're saying OP, you're not alone.
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    you sound like a really nice person! Perhaps tell people what you've just written? I am sure they would understand and appreciate you.
    • #3
    #3

    You could be describing me. Only advice I can offer is that there are other people like you out there, and if you find someone who understands it's not nearly as scary because you know they won't judge if/when they find out, they'll just feel that much more relaxed about it. How you find someone like you is harder, because they're not going to talk about it, but it's what they won't say that is what you're looking for. Oh and maybe stop reading/watching/listening not that it changes you but it's easy to become wrapped up in it, like you say it avoids the reality, and if you wan't to get some where you need to find the meaning in the books ect in your actual life instead.
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    You sound alot like me OP, I've always been a dreamer, looking for an escape..and sometimes that escape was not a postive one at all.There were days I wouldn't leave my house and go to school/college because I just felt that I could not face the world. Except my 'low moods' are broken up by periods of feeling ridculously happy and positive about life and all it happens to offer. I too don't think I'll really find love, and sometimes that doesn't bother me; I am often quite content by myself. But everyone yearns for the kind of companionship that that only a romance can bring. I can't really offer much advice as I haven't really figured it out for myself. I know that you can't help how you feel but I think you have to be happier in yourself before you can fully delve into a relationship. I think, OP, you have to really live and enjoy life; pursue your passions before you can enjoy life with someone else. Try (and I know this is harder than it sounds) not to judge yourself too harshly. Part of the problem may be that part of you thinks you don't deserve love (hence the self destructive things you do). This is codswallop, every single human being deserves love and happiness. Maybe the first step is to accepting that you are worth it (no L'oreal advert allusion intended ).
    I really hope things improve and you eventually find someone who is bloomin' smashing.
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    Wow... and i thought i had it bad.
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    A few thoughts, in no particular order.

    I'm a bit older than you (32) and you sound like some of my friends when we were younger. They all turned out in completely different ways. One friend from school had a clinical diagnosis of depression by the time we went to uni, and several times told me that she wished she'd never been born or that she was dead. I learned via facebook that she got engaged to be married about a fortnight ago. Her journey was broadly about finding both a cultural space to express herself (in her case music) and finding friends who allowed her to be herself whilst avoiding those who would dominate her. Another friend struggled with low self-esteem and self-destructive tendencies which (mostly) expressed themselves as promiscuity, ill-advised relationships and sabotaging any real relationships that she formed. She is now, outwardly at least, happily single and but I don't really know how she got there. I know she went to CBT for a bit, but I think a large part of it was accepting who she was to herself and not trying to conform to her perceptions of what other people expected of her. A third friend is in the midst of a severe episode of clinical depression at the moment - his behaviour is broadly self-destructive (he drinks too much and is clearly in love with a close friend's wife) and at the moment I'm not sure what the other side will be like for him. The best thing I can take from his story is the fact that he is very open about his problems and that he has a very supportive circle of friends - the help is there if you can bring yourself to ask for it - and to be aware of both the place and the limits of what medicine can do.

    Your descriptions of your sexual experiences sound (to me anyway) perfectly normal. In our culture there are a lot of sexual norms that we're supposed to conform to and frankly I think most people don't conform to them although they don't admit it. Casual sex is supposed to be a laugh, but in my (limited) experience it's absolutely horrible and you feel awful afterwards. Equally, sex within a relationship is supposed to be all fantastic, all the time, but frankly that isn't true either. I guess both can be great but certainly it's not all one way.

    You say you don't label yourself depressed but I wonder how you do label yourself. Labels are simplistic by design and it can be difficult to accept that some part of who you are can, at least in part, be summed up in a few short words but they are useful because they allow people to form communities around that label (think 'gay', 'black', etc.) or for people to access help (e.g. "schizophrenic", "bipolar'). None of those labels sum up any single individual but they are useful. I'd encourage you to maybe think if you are maybe depressed, maybe asexual (I'm speculating and I don't necessarily think you're either) and to look into what that may mean for you. They're not supposed to sum you up as a human being - nothing could do that - but they can be useful for finding your place.
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    (Original post by The_Super_Nerd(:)
    I've always been a dreamer, looking for an escape..
    Us teenage dreamers age ;D
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi.

    I'm not really sure what I want from any responses to this thread, except honest opinions I suppose. I'll try to keep it brief. I'm female, 22.

    I feel I'm too much of a depressive person up to be tied up to another person in a relationship, and I've never been close enough to anyone to try, but I honestly have written any kind of relationship off, ever.

    Problem is I get these bouts of feeling really 'down', really low and all sorts of dark thoughts go through my mind. Ever since I can remember I've had this mentality; as a kid people said I was 'serious' all the time, and would ask me whether I knew how to speak because I was so quiet and kept myself to myself. I would cry a lot, I wasn't a happy kid. I even - and this sounds bad I know - wished I could die. Not in a horrible emo way, I just really didn't enjoy living, felt unsatisfied with life, and I believed in heaven so I just wanted to go to a place of peace and beauty, escape from life. I'd just read and dream all day to avoid the reality I hated. I think I was (still am) really oversensitive and found it hard to deal with the smallest upsetting things in life. I’ve always been drawn to listening, reading, watching more moody, dark art and literature. I just relate to it and I guess feel it helps me deal with these depressions because it makes it easier to handle, by making it beautiful.

    It's just the way my brain's wired, it’s ****** up. Often I just get these moods where I want to be alone, sit in the dark, go stand in a field in the rain etc. just be alone even though what’s going on in my head feels unbearable. Then I'm alright for a while, around people I can forget and I probably appear pretty happy and upbeat to people who don't know me very well, which is the majority of people in my life. My parents know how bad I can be, but they’ve seen me all my life so they know and they're just a bit bewildered about it. I hate talking about my state of mind or anything really personal to anyone, and this is clearly another obstacle to having a relationship.

    I have to drag myself out of bed everyday, often past midday, I do all sorts of little stupid self destructive things for no reason at all. I just find life is a chore, and I don't know how anyone else could deal with that being in a relationship with me, if I can't deal with it myself. I know I won’t commit suicide, although sometimes feel despairing, because I’m a coward, and don’t necessarily want to die. I just have so little faith in myself, and the possibility of enjoying anything in life.

    I'm really sorry this sounds so stupid. But I'm 22. I'm not unsociable, I like good company, I long for the company of people who understand me. I've always blocked off anything romantically, and my closest friends don't know how barren my love life has been. It’s just not a possibility in my mind, not something I want to attempt or dream about. Yet of course, as is only natural, it’s something I yearn for. I’m not unattractive, and people are always surprised at my lack of experience. I’ve only ever done ‘stuff’ when drunk, (and only 2/3 times in my whole life) and this just adds to my self-disgust because I regret it hugely, it’ so opposed to my principles, and just emphasises the lack of anything meaningful in my life.

    Er, sorry this is so long. Basically, I’ve come to realise that there’s nothing I can do about my low moods ( I don’t label myself depressed, because it’s been like this all my life plus I seem ok) and nothing will change. If I was better in my teens, I’m worse now. It’s perpetual, it doesn’t go away. I just don’t see how anyone will ever want to live with that. I don’t think I can change, and I’ll probably drive away anyone who gives me a chance thinking I’m sane which they will think before they get to know me really, really well. I’ve never felt with heartache and I honestly don’t know how I’ll cope.
    Hi op,

    Well I read the whole thing, and I'm really sorry you've been feeling this way about life, for so long. I feel like I can relate to what you've said and I know it's not your fault because I know how hard it is to control such 'depressive' feelings... I use the word depressive tentatively here! Will discuss this later on in my reply. I think people who won't have experienced the alone, dark feelings you describe, won't get this sort of thing, just because they haven't been there. What is more, 'getting into a dark place' isn't something we talk about openly socially. In fact we even find it hard to discuss with those we know closely. The stigma attached to it means that we just can't talk about it in an open social situation, so it's natural you feel you put on a front socially, only to be confronted with this stuff in your own company.

    I just...I feel like I entirely get your feelings of feeling like there's noone, especially around people who put on a front. In reality I think quite a few people feel dark and alone or in the least inadequate, behind that front, quite a lot of the time. If we talked about it it wouldnt perhaps be such a large cumbersome problem for us - but of course we don't and so the problems go on.

    I know you've said you think you're not depressed but sometimes I think (even though I would definitely class myself as having been depressed at certain points) depression is just a word; and just a label we use to categorise people. Nonetheless, I can't help feeling that the label has its uses... I cant help feeling that there are certain people amongst us who are more sensitive to even the smallest upsets (as you put it) and less susceptible to the 'thickening of skin' and 'toughening up' method of getting through life. Maybe, I'm just throwing ideas around (I cannot know) but maybe there is an unobvious reason for your deep unhappiness... perhaps you witnessed domestic abuse when a child? It could be anything, something you responded to in your surroundings. Children can be sensitive to the slightest hints of unease and tension in the family home (or euqally feelings of isolation/not fitting in at home) and this can create feelings of unhappiness. What I'm trying to say is (just speculating here) you picked up on some kind of unease that you couldn't deal with, and maybe (in the sense I discussed before that there are more depressive, more sensitive personalities) - you then picked up on this unease and manifested it as your childhood feelings of loneliness and malaise. There is no doubt that there is a genetic predisposition to depression, but on top of that, personally I believe there is an element of the self/ or of free will if you like to think about it like that, that makes you respond to things in different lights -it's part of what makes us us. Some of us respond to things... I'm tempted to say... in more negative more positive lights, but I think it goes deeper than just +ve or -ve mood. I think it's to do with how deeply and with what sensitivity you observe the world. Maybe you're just accutely aware of emotion and it's dynamics... and that's no foreign sentiment to the artist.

    I'm personally very into art, both observing other works and producing it myself. I also love the art forms music and poetry. Many great artists are known to have just the disposition you describe really, and you seem to have strong artistic interest from what you say. Being genuine here, you sound pretty special and I think you should convert whatever youre feeling into a piece of art of some form, because I agree exactly with what you said, that is very much the positive outcome of depression - as you say, it is the way of transforming it into something beautiful. The other pro is that it makes it easier to relate to others, and as I said a lot of people have felt dark and alone sometimes and it is a great feeling when you can form a link with someone through an emotional connection/you know you've got common emotional ground.

    I can't really know, I'm just throwing ideas out there, but maybe you did suffer some kind of depression in childhood (and continue to suffer) is all I'm saying... sorry if Ive offended you by saing that you sound depressed, once again simply labelling you in that age-old way. It is simply a word (often thrown about) that has converged with this medical term, in the most bizzare way. I've thought of myself as depressed for a long time, have been diagnosed as so, and I feel like I can really relate to the emotions you communicate so it was the most obvious choice of language for me really. Sorry again for that!

    I dont think you should feel like you'll never get anyone or that no one will ever get you. Cause I'm not yet 20 and I feel like I've already found one of my best friends is a soulmate, because she also suffered dark feelings and is quite sensitive (of course this mutual feeling and emotional common ground was well hidden for a long time by both of us due to stigma). In fact the kind of feelins you describe gave us something to overcome together and made us stronger through the joint emotional challenge. It's also great to have someone to talk to.
    On the romantic level, also, I feel like I hear of all these wonderful, unusual people, who one day somehow find the one, and they use their artistic passions to almost strengthen the bond they have... I don't know, I just think you should be hopeful because the fact even I have got parts of your experience means that you are not alone in feeling the way you do, and that there are other people who will relate to that and want to help you work through it. There's almost this emotional journey you can go on with people... try to remember that things aren't going to be easy in relationships, and there are always going to be struggles. At the end of the day people have all sorts of complexes and psychological troubles but sometimes the right person just comes along and gets it... you just got to have faith in finding that person. I know you don't want to give your heart away in case it hurts too much, but you should do so anyway, because that's what being strong is about it's about exposing yourself. As I once heard it put, love is about giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to. You have to have trust and belief in love in this world... there's no point otherwise.

    I'm sorry if this has been a load of unhelpful waffle and I know it's very long but it sort of all came streaming out as this wall of text.

    Bottom line, it was interesting to hear your tale, I feel like you have every reason to expect that you'll one day find someone like-minded so DON'T GIVE UP YET. All the best X

    EDIT: The fact that there are already ppl on this thread admitting similar/ identical feelings or knowing people who have felt as you describe, just shows you that you could find someone to identify with. All the more reason to not give up
    • #3
    #3

    (Original post by OneGoodReason)
    ... but maybe you did suffer some kind of depression in childhood ...
    Thankyou for saying this, too many people don't believe that children can have such strong emotions and put their unhappiness down to a bad attitude that needs to be punished or temporary sadness that should be fixed with a hug. I agree with the rest of the post too, but I wanted to comment on that and say it's appreciated that there are people who recognise it.
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    (Original post by So Instinct)
    Us teenage dreamers age ;D
    I am still clinging on to teenage-dom, just. But ey, I don't think I'll ever stop dreaming if I'm honest, there's something kind of amazing about having the curiousity to craft your own little world inside your head..or in my case on a crisp side of narrow ruled A4.
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    (Original post by The_Super_Nerd(:)
    I am still clinging on to teenage-dom, just. But ey, I don't think I'll ever stop dreaming if I'm honest, there's something kind of amazing about having the curiousity to craft your own little world inside your head..or in my case on a crisp side of narrow ruled A4.
    Heh, I'm clinging on myself. Just saw the silhouette leave in the distance though now I'm 20.
    I'm still a dreamer too, with a drink in one and a J in the other.
    Spewing my dreams into a scrapbook of randomness.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thankyou for saying this, too many people don't believe that children can have such strong emotions and put their unhappiness down to a bad attitude that needs to be punished or temporary sadness that should be fixed with a hug. I agree with the rest of the post too, but I wanted to comment on that and say it's appreciated that there are people who recognise it.
    I can't really pinpoint anything that was traumatic in my childhood, like I said, as long as I remember back into my childhood I was like this. It confused me that adults described me as 'quiet' and 'thoughtful'. Every single report from primary school used those words at least a bunch of times. I didn't understand it, why other children didn't think about the meaning of life and what happens after death. My favourite fairytale was the matchstick girl (where she freezes to death on a pavement thinking about her dead grandma who was the only one to ever love her deeply) and I don't know...I just found a story like that more profound and beautiful than cinderella or whatever.

    Perhaps these tendancies towards darker art make me unhappy? Like another poster said, maybe I should stop myself from listening, reading, watching art with depressive undertones. I've done this before tried to change my tastes and mentality, but honestly, it feels fake to me. In the same way as sometimes faking cheer when I have to around people, I just feel empty afterwards. If theres anything in life that means anything to me, it's art and its emotional impact on me. I study literature at uni, and nearly studied science but the one thing I thank myself for in life is making that decision to switch. The thought of life without art really horrifies me.

    But anyway, i really can't blame my family life. They're not perfect (who's are?) but my siblings turned out ok. I once confided a small part of this to my similarly aged sister and she looked at me like I was an alien.
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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I also really, really want to say thankyou. some of these responses have really astounded me, they're so long and discerning. And all the people saying they're the same. Honestly, I'm going to come back to this thread, thankyou all.
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    OP, I can understand and relate to most of what you've written.
    Do you ever think that you just don't understand love, like it's such a mysterious force which operates above and beyond humans?
    And whether you should be sad if you're not in love -- or whether it just shouldn't matter at all?
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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Ansolon)
    A few thoughts, in no particular order.

    I'm a bit older than you (32) and you sound like some of my friends when we were younger. They all turned out in completely different ways. One friend from school had a clinical diagnosis of depression by the time we went to uni, and several times told me that she wished she'd never been born or that she was dead. I learned via facebook that she got engaged to be married about a fortnight ago. Her journey was broadly about finding both a cultural space to express herself (in her case music) and finding friends who allowed her to be herself whilst avoiding those who would dominate her. Another friend struggled with low self-esteem and self-destructive tendencies which (mostly) expressed themselves as promiscuity, ill-advised relationships and sabotaging any real relationships that she formed. She is now, outwardly at least, happily single and but I don't really know how she got there. I know she went to CBT for a bit, but I think a large part of it was accepting who she was to herself and not trying to conform to her perceptions of what other people expected of her. A third friend is in the midst of a severe episode of clinical depression at the moment - his behaviour is broadly self-destructive (he drinks too much and is clearly in love with a close friend's wife) and at the moment I'm not sure what the other side will be like for him. The best thing I can take from his story is the fact that he is very open about his problems and that he has a very supportive circle of friends - the help is there if you can bring yourself to ask for it - and to be aware of both the place and the limits of what medicine can do.

    Your descriptions of your sexual experiences sound (to me anyway) perfectly normal. In our culture there are a lot of sexual norms that we're supposed to conform to and frankly I think most people don't conform to them although they don't admit it. Casual sex is supposed to be a laugh, but in my (limited) experience it's absolutely horrible and you feel awful afterwards. Equally, sex within a relationship is supposed to be all fantastic, all the time, but frankly that isn't true either. I guess both can be great but certainly it's not all one way.

    You say you don't label yourself depressed but I wonder how you do label yourself. Labels are simplistic by design and it can be difficult to accept that some part of who you are can, at least in part, be summed up in a few short words but they are useful because they allow people to form communities around that label (think 'gay', 'black', etc.) or for people to access help (e.g. "schizophrenic", "bipolar'). None of those labels sum up any single individual but they are useful. I'd encourage you to maybe think if you are maybe depressed, maybe asexual (I'm speculating and I don't necessarily think you're either) and to look into what that may mean for you. They're not supposed to sum you up as a human being - nothing could do that - but they can be useful for finding your place.
    Thanks for those stories, I found them interesting. I can relate to all three of your friends in small ways, for sure. I just hope I emulate number one!

    Regarding sexuality, I definitely don't put pressure to conform because I know how horrible I'll feel if I have casual experiences. I'd rather have none at all and my mental state is more of an issue to me than the perceptions of society.

    But I'm definitley not asexual, I can say that for sure. There is a correlation between my moods and sexual desire; generally the more down I'm feeling the less interested I am in the physical side of things which is probably just as well. I just dwell on thoughts of 'what person will ever emotionally connect to a madwoman like me'. but to be perfectly honest, my priority is trying to pick myself up in those moments and not embroiling anyone else in it.
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    Well it think anyone who has answered this thread will agree that you aren't the only one who feels like this and you actually have alot in common with alot of people on TSR. Pm me if you would like to chat xx
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    and yeah, if you need somebody to talk to (or to listen to you) - pm away!
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    (Original post by OneGoodReason)
    Hi op,

    Well I read the whole thing, and I'm really sorry you've been feeling this way about life, for so long. I feel like I can relate to what you've said and I know it's not your fault because I know how hard it is to control such 'depressive' feelings... I use the word depressive tentatively here! Will discuss this later on in my reply. I think people who won't have experienced the alone, dark feelings you describe, won't get this sort of thing, just because they haven't been there. What is more, 'getting into a dark place' isn't something we talk about openly socially. In fact we even find it hard to discuss with those we know closely. The stigma attached to it means that we just can't talk about it in an open social situation, so it's natural you feel you put on a front socially, only to be confronted with this stuff in your own company.

    I just...I feel like I entirely get your feelings of feeling like there's noone, especially around people who put on a front. In reality I think quite a few people feel dark and alone or in the least inadequate, behind that front, quite a lot of the time. If we talked about it it wouldnt perhaps be such a large cumbersome problem for us - but of course we don't and so the problems go on.

    I know you've said you think you're not depressed but sometimes I think (even though I would definitely class myself as having been depressed at certain points) depression is just a word; and just a label we use to categorise people. Nonetheless, I can't help feeling that the label has its uses... I cant help feeling that there are certain people amongst us who are more sensitive to even the smallest upsets (as you put it) and less susceptible to the 'thickening of skin' and 'toughening up' method of getting through life. Maybe, I'm just throwing ideas around (I cannot know) but maybe there is an unobvious reason for your deep unhappiness... perhaps you witnessed domestic abuse when a child? It could be anything, something you responded to in your surroundings. Children can be sensitive to the slightest hints of unease and tension in the family home (or euqally feelings of isolation/not fitting in at home) and this can create feelings of unhappiness. What I'm trying to say is (just speculating here) you picked up on some kind of unease that you couldn't deal with, and maybe (in the sense I discussed before that there are more depressive, more sensitive personalities) - you then picked up on this unease and manifested it as your childhood feelings of loneliness and malaise. There is no doubt that there is a genetic predisposition to depression, but on top of that, personally I believe there is an element of the self/ or of free will if you like to think about it like that, that makes you respond to things in different lights -it's part of what makes us us. Some of us respond to things... I'm tempted to say... in more negative more positive lights, but I think it goes deeper than just +ve or -ve mood. I think it's to do with how deeply and with what sensitivity you observe the world. Maybe you're just accutely aware of emotion and it's dynamics... and that's no foreign sentiment to the artist.

    I'm personally very into art, both observing other works and producing it myself. I also love the art forms music and poetry. Many great artists are known to have just the disposition you describe really, and you seem to have strong artistic interest from what you say. Being genuine here, you sound pretty special and I think you should convert whatever youre feeling into a piece of art of some form, because I agree exactly with what you said, that is very much the positive outcome of depression - as you say, it is the way of transforming it into something beautiful. The other pro is that it makes it easier to relate to others, and as I said a lot of people have felt dark and alone sometimes and it is a great feeling when you can form a link with someone through an emotional connection/you know you've got common emotional ground.

    I can't really know, I'm just throwing ideas out there, but maybe you did suffer some kind of depression in childhood (and continue to suffer) is all I'm saying... sorry if Ive offended you by saing that you sound depressed, once again simply labelling you in that age-old way. It is simply a word (often thrown about) that has converged with this medical term, in the most bizzare way. I've thought of myself as depressed for a long time, have been diagnosed as so, and I feel like I can really relate to the emotions you communicate so it was the most obvious choice of language for me really. Sorry again for that!

    I dont think you should feel like you'll never get anyone or that no one will ever get you. Cause I'm not yet 20 and I feel like I've already found one of my best friends is a soulmate, because she also suffered dark feelings and is quite sensitive (of course this mutual feeling and emotional common ground was well hidden for a long time by both of us due to stigma). In fact the kind of feelins you describe gave us something to overcome together and made us stronger through the joint emotional challenge. It's also great to have someone to talk to.
    On the romantic level, also, I feel like I hear of all these wonderful, unusual people, who one day somehow find the one, and they use their artistic passions to almost strengthen the bond they have... I don't know, I just think you should be hopeful because the fact even I have got parts of your experience means that you are not alone in feeling the way you do, and that there are other people who will relate to that and want to help you work through it. There's almost this emotional journey you can go on with people... try to remember that things aren't going to be easy in relationships, and there are always going to be struggles. At the end of the day people have all sorts of complexes and psychological troubles but sometimes the right person just comes along and gets it... you just got to have faith in finding that person. I know you don't want to give your heart away in case it hurts too much, but you should do so anyway, because that's what being strong is about it's about exposing yourself. As I once heard it put, love is about giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to. You have to have trust and belief in love in this world... there's no point otherwise.

    I'm sorry if this has been a load of unhelpful waffle and I know it's very long but it sort of all came streaming out as this wall of text.

    Bottom line, it was interesting to hear your tale, I feel like you have every reason to expect that you'll one day find someone like-minded so DON'T GIVE UP YET. All the best X

    EDIT: The fact that there are already ppl on this thread admitting similar/ identical feelings or knowing people who have felt as you describe, just shows you that you could find someone to identify with. All the more reason to not give up
    I have to reply to this because it's so long, certainly not unhelpful waffle! I like what you say about social fronts and observing the world with excessive sensitivity, theyre both things I recognise.
    Like I said before though, I can't think of one thing that might have affected me in childhood, it really seems to go back as far as I can remember. Unless I'm really oblivious or forgetful, my childhood wasn't perfect but it wasn't bad.

    I guess I feel like I'm so good at putting on a front (because in transitioning from 'quiet' 'serious' child with a miserable mind to actually having friends as a teen I had to create that front and got quite good at it) that I'm unable to be myself in all my range of moods in front of people. The shy and closed-up-like-a-clam person I've always been is terrified of being emotionally honest in front of people for fear of being isolated or seen as dull or unhinged. My friends are bubbly, really well balanced types and although theyre lovely and might be sympathetic and concerned, unless I really crack I don't want to ruin the facade of normal person I have, or normal friendships, I don't want to be pitied or seen as a freak by well meaning people who nevertheless don't understand. But it of course troubles me that I let the **** I feel mount and mount deep inside me until I'm alone or I just run out of energy to pretend and then it all comes to a surface and I have to deal with the worst of it alone, or some unfortunate family member who walks in on me sobbing my heart out.
    I feel really awful for them and the shocked concern I become the cause of, I'd feel bad for a partner who was meant to be even closer to me.

    Honestly, it's replies like yours in this thread that have given me some smidgen of hope that people might understand one day. Maybe the people in my life are just too effortlessly happy and well balanced. I just don't want to ruin it for them so I mask my unhappiness.
    Thankyou so much.
 
 
 
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