Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Too difficult to love me Watch

    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    You're describing me quite a bit. Although I didn't cry much as a kid, I was always a serious person. Erm what I suggest is to be more laid back, do whatever you want to do for a few days, it'll make you feel better.

    I've already decided that I want to be a journeyman.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by So Instinct)
    Heh, I'm clinging on myself. Just saw the silhouette leave in the distance though now I'm 20.
    I'm still a dreamer too, with a drink in one and a J in the other.
    Spewing my dreams into a scrapbook of randomness.
    I'm 19 in a few days.
    Well It's comforting to know there are other hopeless dreamers knocking about!
    • #4
    #4

    I can really relate to your post.
    I can't bear the thought of 'inflicting' myself on a partner, and of being that open and honest about what's going in in my head. I honestly wouldn't even be able to put it into words.
    Some men have been drawn to the mystery behind the quietness and only end up frustrated at finding...me. I can't see myself in a long term relationship. Ever.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    maybe your bi-polar
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I have to reply to this because it's so long, certainly not unhelpful waffle! I like what you say about social fronts and observing the world with excessive sensitivity, theyre both things I recognise.
    Like I said before though, I can't think of one thing that might have affected me in childhood, it really seems to go back as far as I can remember. Unless I'm really oblivious or forgetful, my childhood wasn't perfect but it wasn't bad.

    I guess I feel like I'm so good at putting on a front (because in transitioning from 'quiet' 'serious' child with a miserable mind to actually having friends as a teen I had to create that front and got quite good at it) that I'm unable to be myself in all my range of moods in front of people. The shy and closed-up-like-a-clam person I've always been is terrified of being emotionally honest in front of people for fear of being isolated or seen as dull or unhinged. My friends are bubbly, really well balanced types and although theyre lovely and might be sympathetic and concerned, unless I really crack I don't want to ruin the facade of normal person I have, or normal friendships, I don't want to be pitied or seen as a freak by well meaning people who nevertheless don't understand. But it of course troubles me that I let the **** I feel mount and mount deep inside me until I'm alone or I just run out of energy to pretend and then it all comes to a surface and I have to deal with the worst of it alone, or some unfortunate family member who walks in on me sobbing my heart out.
    I feel really awful for them and the shocked concern I become the cause of, I'd feel bad for a partner who was meant to be even closer to me.

    Honestly, it's replies like yours in this thread that have given me some smidgen of hope that people might understand one day. Maybe the people in my life are just too effortlessly happy and well balanced. I just don't want to ruin it for them so I mask my unhappiness.
    Thankyou so much.

    PM me if you want, I can help but I feel it's a bit degrading to psychoanalyse you out in public :p:

    I'd only offer ways to improve your mental state and the like though, I don't really 'do' comforting very well, unless you find talking about things and getting an outside view comforting
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Architecture-er)
    PM me if you want, I can help but I feel it's a bit degrading to psychoanalyse you out in public :p:

    I'd only offer ways to improve your mental state and the like though, I don't really 'do' comforting very well, unless you find talking about things and getting an outside view comforting
    I'd rather stick with staying anon, but I'd be interested to hear what you have to say so fire away please, however degrading you fear it might be. It's probably not as bad as the stuff I tell myself!

    A few kind people have suggested I PM them but for now I'd prefer things to kept to this thread.
    • #5
    #5

    Hello,

    I read this post and I felt really compelled to reply. I can relate to so much of what you have relayed: the sensitive/thoughtful/'dreamy' childhood, the continued sense that even as an adult you feel too sensitive to deal with everything that life entails. I often have a feeling that my skin is too raw and delicate to deal with even tiny everyday problems, which can often bring me to tears. I also study literature and write poetry and for me art is basically the saving grace. It really is the one fundamental way of making something terrible into something beautiful, just as you put it.

    Lots of people have said words to this effect already, but I wanted to add my voice because a year ago or so I fell deeply in love. My boyfriend is, well, a massive weirdo as well, and also lives to a large extent through art - but unlike me he doesn't really have the deeply oversensitive/depressive tendencies, so in that respect we are quite different. I just wanted to say that I also didn't think anyone who got to know those aspects of me would want to stick around, but he has. I won't say it's always easy because it's not. Sometimes I get furious or burst into tears over small and seemingly trivial things he does that to me feel horribly insensitive. But for whatever masochistic reason he really loves me anyway. He says my oversensitivity, however difficult it can sometimes be, is part of the really creative and interesting way that I see the world. I guess what I am trying to say is don't give up hope. I think there must be someone out there for you as well - even if you don't find them for a while yet - who can accept your more 'difficult' qualities as part and parcel of the unique and interesting person it sounds like you are. Some men, it turns out, don't just want a happy, uncomplicated girl. I was surprised, too. xxxxx
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi.

    I'm not really sure what I want from any responses to this thread, except honest opinions I suppose. I'll try to keep it brief. I'm female, 22.

    I feel I'm too much of a depressive person up to be tied up to another person in a relationship, and I've never been close enough to anyone to try, but I honestly have written any kind of relationship off, ever.

    Problem is I get these bouts of feeling really 'down', really low and all sorts of dark thoughts go through my mind. Ever since I can remember I've had this mentality; as a kid people said I was 'serious' all the time, and would ask me whether I knew how to speak because I was so quiet and kept myself to myself. I would cry a lot, I wasn't a happy kid. I even - and this sounds bad I know - wished I could die. Not in a horrible emo way, I just really didn't enjoy living, felt unsatisfied with life, and I believed in heaven so I just wanted to go to a place of peace and beauty, escape from life. I'd just read and dream all day to avoid the reality I hated. I think I was (still am) really oversensitive and found it hard to deal with the smallest upsetting things in life. I’ve always been drawn to listening, reading, watching more moody, dark art and literature. I just relate to it and I guess feel it helps me deal with these depressions because it makes it easier to handle, by making it beautiful.

    It's just the way my brain's wired, it’s ****** up. Often I just get these moods where I want to be alone, sit in the dark, go stand in a field in the rain etc. just be alone even though what’s going on in my head feels unbearable. Then I'm alright for a while, around people I can forget and I probably appear pretty happy and upbeat to people who don't know me very well, which is the majority of people in my life. My parents know how bad I can be, but they’ve seen me all my life so they know and they're just a bit bewildered about it. I hate talking about my state of mind or anything really personal to anyone, and this is clearly another obstacle to having a relationship.

    I have to drag myself out of bed everyday, often past midday, I do all sorts of little stupid self destructive things for no reason at all. I just find life is a chore, and I don't know how anyone else could deal with that being in a relationship with me, if I can't deal with it myself. I know I won’t commit suicide, although sometimes feel despairing, because I’m a coward, and don’t necessarily want to die. I just have so little faith in myself, and the possibility of enjoying anything in life.

    I'm really sorry this sounds so stupid. But I'm 22. I'm not unsociable, I like good company, I long for the company of people who understand me. I've always blocked off anything romantically, and my closest friends don't know how barren my love life has been. It’s just not a possibility in my mind, not something I want to attempt or dream about. Yet of course, as is only natural, it’s something I yearn for. I’m not unattractive, and people are always surprised at my lack of experience. I’ve only ever done ‘stuff’ when drunk, (and only 2/3 times in my whole life) and this just adds to my self-disgust because I regret it hugely, it’ so opposed to my principles, and just emphasises the lack of anything meaningful in my life.

    Er, sorry this is so long. Basically, I’ve come to realise that there’s nothing I can do about my low moods ( I don’t label myself depressed, because it’s been like this all my life plus I seem ok) and nothing will change. If I was better in my teens, I’m worse now. It’s perpetual, it doesn’t go away. I just don’t see how anyone will ever want to live with that. I don’t think I can change, and I’ll probably drive away anyone who gives me a chance thinking I’m sane which they will think before they get to know me really, really well. I’ve never felt with heartache and I honestly don’t know how I’ll cope.
    I experience a lot of these feelings myself.
    I've often wondered if I have bipolar or something. The first thoughts of wanting to die/no point in life was at around 12 years old and although I never thought I was always serious as a child, people said I was at the time.

    I don't tend to be able to open up to anyone either. I don't know why, I don't feel ashamed to admit the way I feel or anything, I guess it's just how I am.

    You've said that you know you will never commit suicide, I'm quite the opposite though. If I'm alive come mid January then that will be a surprise.

    Sorry you're feeling the way you are, despite how I'm feeling myself feel free to pm me because I know how bad it can be.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    wished I could die. Not in a horrible emo way,
    What is a horrible emo way? Wanting to die is the same in everyone. Go to a doctor, they'll probably prescribe anti depressants. If you have anything from your past that might suggest why you're like this you might be offered counselling, if not probably just anti depressants.
    It's worth going.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    Seriously sounds like depression, I would strongly recommend seeing a doctor.

    As far as love goes, someone who loves you will be in it for the good and the bad and do their best to understand you. You shouldn't be too harsh on them when they don't understand, but this goes for friends and family as well, just explain yourself as best you can because they'll worry about you.

    Honestly a "depressive" person probably does have it harder, doesn't mean you're worth any less.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: January 7, 2013
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Did TEF Bronze Award affect your UCAS choices?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.