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Boyfriend says we want different things? Watch

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    Hello please keep anon or delete since boyfriend uses this forum, as well as many of our friends.

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over a year. Recently, we've been having a really tough time, for around 3-4 months. I met him at university and he's in the few years above me, so he graduated while I am still doing my undergraduate degree. Because of this it's been really difficult because we are both so busy with trying to just keep up with the academic stuff. We decided that we should try and spend weekends together, but I've found that increasingly he doesn't call me or text first (and when he does they're often short messages) and I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle in terms of him and I wanting to see each other on weekends.

    Anyway, a few weeks ago, everything exploded and we were on the verge of a break up. He said to me that he knows he loves me and he knows he wants to be in a relationship with me, but he thinks that we want different things in terms of the level of intensity or communication in the relationship... This has got me thinking do I text him too much? Do I demand too much? I'm not really sure what to do... all I've ever asked for is a few more phone calls in the week since we don't see each other. I'm keeping details sketchy because it's a story that is easily identified if I give all the details.

    What should I do? I love him and I don't want to lose him. A part of me feels like I deserve better than this and I deserve someone who won't treat me like this, but somehow whenever I see him it always ends up being my fault that everything is the way it is and I'm the one apologising, I'm the one begging to be given another chance. It makes me feel really worth-less, and cheap sometimes. But I know he loves me.. and he really is one of the most amazing guys I've ever known.

    Thanks in advance.
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    You can either continue how you are and risk pushing away or chance him finally succumbing, or you can cool down with the amount of communication and see what happens.

    I know how hard this last bit is: I myself am trying to do the exact same thing. And your situation sounds very much like mine.

    If, after you have cooled down on the communication, your relationship is still as strong [when you are together] then you know there isn't anything wrong with you not being in constant contact with each other. If, instead, the relationship starts to decline then maybe it's time to start thinking about leaving each other. Whilst this is something that is difficult [to even think about, let alone go through with], if you can't cope with not being in contact with each other then you weren't bound to last, especially if one/both of you end up at a job which requires a lot of time apart.
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    ...but somehow whenever I see him it always ends up being my fault that everything is the way it is and I'm the one apologising.
    This isn't fair, and again it's something that happens with me a lot also. You need to talk to him about it, and show him just how much it is affecting you. If you don't want to end up in tears, write it in a letter or something. He will either come to his senses, or it will continue, and then you can decide where to go from there.
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    First and foremost, you need to think, is this worth the stress? If you put yourself as an outsider looking in on the relationship, is this worth all the worry that you will go through
    - Wondering when/if he will text/ring you
    - How you are coming across to him
    - Wondering each time you try ring/text him what he thinks

    I think it's a very silly thing to say communicate on weekends.. thats like having a part time relationship.

    I think the best thing to do would be to recognise you both want different things, different levels of communication that you both don't want to compromise on and just cut your losses and move on.
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    (Original post by insignificant)

    I think it's a very silly thing to say communicate on weekends.. thats like having a part time relationship.
    .
    I agree with this. I can understand only seeing each other on weekends, but it's not at all nice to not be in communication at all.
    If there is no time difference there is really not much excuse; yes, he may be busy but he should still make time.
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    (Original post by insignificant)
    First and foremost, you need to think, is this worth the stress?

    I think it's a very silly thing to say communicate on weekends..
    I know. But I sometimes ask myself whether it is my fault and whether I expect too much? I'm just really confused that's all. It's worth the stress because when we are together it's as if nothing is wrong. It's only the time apart. And I think it's mainly my fault because I'm constantly afraid of losing him and the reason why I sometimes text a lot is probably because of this. But he says he knows he wants to be with me. I'm trying to somehow figure out what the right thing to do is? It's not that he is saying only communicate on weekends.. but we just don't talk as much as I feel we should in the week. Whether I just have to get used to it or not is something else. I can't just cut my losses - if I let the relationship end, it would be so difficult, near impossible to get over.

    (Original post by elldeegee)
    You can either continue how you are and risk pushing away or chance him finally succumbing, or you can cool down with the amount of communication and see what happens.

    If, after you have cooled down on the communication, your relationship is still as strong [when you are together] then you know there isn't anything wrong with you not being in constant contact with each other.

    If, instead, the relationship starts to decline then maybe it's time to start thinking about leaving each other... then you weren't bound to last

    If you don't want to end up in tears, write it in a letter or something. He will either come to his senses, or it will continue, and then you can decide where to go from there.
    Thank you so much for this advice.. I think you actually just wrote down everything I've been thinking but in so much more of a logical way. I don't think I ever text him too much.. I think I just nag that he doesn't text me or call me, which is what the issue is I guess. I also think it doesn't help that I have continuous crying fits when he does call because I miss him so much. I think this behaviour has really pushed him away, but I think we still have a chance to make things better, I just need to grow up a bit and be a bit more independent, which is easier said than done. But I am trying. When it was almost over, we decided that we should give it one more shot to see if it will work out. I think I'm just going to stop nagging him, but I will just continue to be normal in the frequency at which I text (which was never a lot to begin with.. it's not constant during the day.. perhaps only once in the morning to say good morning etc. and a few in the evening before sleeping..) When we are together, everything seems so fine and perfect. It really is only when we are apart. I tell myself that if it doesn't work out it just wasn't meant to be, but the thought of not being with him just hurts so much I hope things work out with you as well. Relationships are one of the most difficult things about life when they want to be!
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    He's already checked out of the relationship if not officially.


    I'm going to publish a new dating dictionary, of things couples say. Most of them such as "we want different things" will be translated to their meaning in plain English: I want to break up.
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    (Original post by Studentus-anonymous)
    He's already checked out of the relationship if not officially.


    I'm going to publish a new dating dictionary, of things couples say. Most of them such as "we want different things" will be translated to their meaning in plain English: I want to break up.
    Not true at all..
    Surely it depends on each individual couple and their circumstances? You can't generalise so broadly!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know. But I sometimes ask myself whether it is my fault and whether I expect too much? I'm just really confused that's all. It's worth the stress because when we are together it's as if nothing is wrong. It's only the time apart. And I think it's mainly my fault because I'm constantly afraid of losing him and the reason why I sometimes text a lot is probably because of this. But he says he knows he wants to be with me. I'm trying to somehow figure out what the right thing to do is? It's not that he is saying only communicate on weekends.. but we just don't talk as much as I feel we should in the week. Whether I just have to get used to it or not is something else. I can't just cut my losses - if I let the relationship end, it would be so difficult, near impossible to get over.
    The thing is, a relationship isn't just about when you are together. People in a relationship can't be together all the time, which I'm sure you realise, but it's about how you handle this time apart, how you feel about it. I've learnt that when people in a relationship have a fair bit of time far apart , there are two types of people. People who are head over heels in love and want to communicate not for a real specific reason but just because they want to, and people who are practical or find it awkward to ring up or text for no real reason. You need to find someone who is on the same level as you because you want a relationship that works the whole time not just when you are together.
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    (Original post by scott202)
    Not true at all..
    Surely it depends on each individual couple and their circumstances? You can't generalise so broadly!
    I can and just did, when I feel something is generally true then I generalise. Since when did generality become some social taboo? it's really not unfair if it has basis.
    I've never said "we want different things" in the context of a relationship unless it is on the foundation of severe doubt and growing desire to be done with it.

    In the Op's case, the public main issue seems to be frequency and demands on contact.
    A boyfriend who wants to keep his girlfriend will say something to the effect of "I wan't to see you but I'm stressed and busy right now and I want you to understand and not be so pressing on seeing each other so much".

    At least a big boy, with adult communication skills does.


    A boyfriend who wants out says: "We want different things" because it's a nicer more socially acceptable way of saying "I don't want to be with you any more for these varying reasons which may be very blunt and even hurtful, even if valid and true and no hard-fast judgement on you as a human being".

    It's a generalization yes, because generally it is true. I can allow that due to human duality there may be a part of the OP that really wants things to work out with her, but when people drop lines like that the balance is tipping in favour of a split.
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    If your boyfriend has identified the problem, he should talk to you about this. Both of you should identify clear ways of solving the problem. Simply stating it does not help at all, only adds more pressure. If the significant other states such things, it may be because this thing is on his/her mind and may irritate or annoy.

    I do not think it is healthy for you to apologize every time and beg for another chance. If the issue has not been resolved, it does not do any good. Talk to him about this and express your thoughts openly, without being too emotional about it. Get the message across.


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    I think that it's an excuse for him to break up with you. When guys start being distant and moody it's usually not a good sign. It's an easy way out for him too. If he really cared about you, he would work for it. You're better off without the stress hun.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know. But I sometimes ask myself whether it is my fault and whether I expect too much? I'm just really confused that's all. It's worth the stress because when we are together it's as if nothing is wrong. It's only the time apart. And I think it's mainly my fault because I'm constantly afraid of losing him and the reason why I sometimes text a lot is probably because of this.
    You are in early parts of the relationship still. A year really isn't very long, from now on your relationship will continually be tested and you will start getting to know each other more - I've found out more about my bf over the last 2 years than the 3 years we were together before that.

    But he says he knows he wants to be with me.
    Believe him then. Has he given reasons for why he isn't texting/calling randomly? Maybe it just is that he is one of those people that doesn't say anything unless it's needed. Again, this is where it is important to communicate as much as possible.

    we just don't talk as much as I feel we should in the week.
    This, again, is just how you are perceiving it. If he didn't want to talk to you, he would just blank your texts/calls. Maybe it's just that he doesn't have the instinct (? :P) to send a text about something random at random times in the day.

    if I let the relationship end, it would be so difficult, near impossible to get over.
    You think that now, but trust me, when it came to it, you would and should move on, unless you both found it impossible not to be with each other in which case it would move on.

    I think I just nag that he doesn't text me or call me, which is what the issue is I guess. I also think it doesn't help that I have continuous crying fits when he does call because I miss him so much. I think this behaviour has really pushed him away...
    so this is where your nagging needs to stop. You stressing enough to nag him will just make you even more stressed because he's not listening to your nagging, which in turn will make him stressed because you're nagging, which will then result in him not listening to your nagging, you then get more stressed.... see where this is going?
    It's hard, but once you stop you will feel so much better and you will see how much of a difference it makes.
    Make it a New Year's resolution?


    It really is only when we are apart.
    it always is when you are apart that the negativity (anger, annoyance etc) comes out, and so don't let it. AGAIN, it is hard, but as soon as you start feeling like it distract yourself in some way, or consciously turn your thoughts around so that they are focusing on good things.



    One last thing: don't listen to people who are saying it's just an excuse for him to break up with you. If he wanted to break up, and you have already had loads of arguements, he would have done it by now. He doesn't blank texts/calls (or at least you haven't said so. If he didn't want to be with you, surely he would do that?
    No matter what people say on here, they cannot generalise towards him because they do not know him.
    The main thing you can do is communicate- if needs be send him a link to this thread?

    Good luck

    (Original post by Applegrater)
    If your boyfriend has identified the problem, he should talk to you about this. Both of you should identify clear ways of solving the problem. Simply stating it does not help at all, only adds more pressure. If the significant other states such things, it may be because this thing is on his/her mind and may irritate or annoy.

    I do not think it is healthy for you to apologize every time and beg for another chance. If the issue has not been resolved, it does not do any good. Talk to him about this and express your thoughts openly, without being too emotional about it. Get the message across.


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    Stop apologising for yourself, you have done nothing wrong. I know you want a relationship with him and you think he is great but because of this you should be backing off. Don't make contact for a while and see how he reacts, if he gives you a short message don't reply to it. Make him miss you. And if he doesn't then is he really so great?
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    Maybe text him a little less having said that he should talk to you about what the problem is, sounds as if he can't be bothered anymore.
 
 
 
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