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    Me, out of all, me

    One life fades, one life goes
    You, watching the news caring
    Life goes on, go to work, have a happy Christmas
    Are you still caring?

    I'm going, gone
    My mind, fading
    Lost in an abyss
    Are you caring?

    I'm scared, frightened
    Hiding in a corner, in the dark
    Staring, glaring at the black walls, black life
    Are you even caring?

    Cut, cut, cut
    Bleed, bleed, bleed
    Red, red, red
    Are you coming?

    I hate, I feel pain ...
    I feel nothing
    Cold life, cold snow, cold lights
    Are you coming to hold me?

    Stuck, lost, found
    "You found me"
    "Who are you? Why have you come?"
    "You're alone, no-one cares just do it"

    Now, you watch the news
    Now, you see what I've done ...
    Or what will come
    You care?

    Bodies lying, hearts dying, children crying
    Blood, red, bleeding
    Death, pain, suffering
    Now why are you caring?

    This poem is very personal to me, it is about my mental health, what's happened in my life and how I think and feel.

    Anyway, I wrote it very quickly!
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    It's really good !:eek:
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    Love it


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    (Original post by Meghna96)
    It's really good !:eek:
    Really!? :eek: It's one of my first ever poems, well the first ever that I've posted on-line.

    What did you like about it exactly?

    Thanks!

    Love it


    Why did you like it also?

    Thanks!

    Sorry for all the questions I just want to improve.
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    I like the pace of the poem and the repetition, which reflects your feelings. I would suggest that you should experiment by adding a stanza where there is a break through- a stanza that is comletely different to the rest, has longer lines ect, and perhaps in the part where you say

    "cut cut cut, bleed bleed bleed, red red red" try and use different words each time.e.g "cut, slash, slice. "
    -sorry not good at quoting plus I forgot

    Maybe I'm getting to English about it .. But just some help :-)
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    Oh and I don't think you need to add speech marks
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    That was a lovely poem. Really enjoyed reading it, I can tell that it means a lot to you.
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    I think you should add some ice cream or rainbows to cheer it up a bit.
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    (Original post by Meghna96)
    Oh and I don't think you need to add speech marks
    The speech mark thing is about my persona's. I have about 3 of them, the one in the poem that is speaking to me in my head is the "evil" persona. He is the one that makes me be violent, that makes me be "black". I regularly have battles in my head, but it was hard to put this on paper as I wrote it in 5 minutes.

    Thank you for your help though.
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    (Original post by Meghna96)
    I like the pace of the poem and the repetition, which reflects your feelings. I would suggest that you should experiment by adding a stanza where there is a break through- a stanza that is comletely different to the rest, has longer lines ect, and perhaps in the part where you say

    "cut cut cut, bleed bleed bleed, red red red" try and use different words each time.e.g "cut, slash, slice. "
    -sorry not good at quoting plus I forgot

    Maybe I'm getting to English about it .. But just some help :-)
    I was thinking about doing the stanza idea, but I just didn't have the time. When I write a poem next I'll try that idea.

    Yeah, I do realise where you're coming from but "cut, cut, cut" symbolises self-harm. So I tried to be as simple as possible as cut should instantly recognisable as cutting.

    It doesn't matter as long as you're giving good criticism!

    Thanks, Again!
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    nice poem! anyways, i wish you all the best with your current situation!
    Just remember that things get really really worst before they get good, and life is like a circle, so everything will balance out in the end, and i personally like to think that everything happens for a reason, and we cant control any of it, but as we live each day, things will fall into its places for the better ; )
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    (Original post by lonelybrummie)
    I was thinking about doing the stanza idea, but I just didn't have the time. When I write a poem next I'll try that idea.

    Yeah, I do realise where you're coming from but "cut, cut, cut" symbolises self-harm. So I tried to be as simple as possible as cut should instantly recognisable as cutting.

    It doesn't matter as long as you're giving good criticism!

    Thanks, Again!
    No problemo
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    (Original post by myusername.)
    That was a lovely poem. Really enjoyed reading it, I can tell that it means a lot to you.
    Thank you!

    I'm glad you liked it, next poem I make it will be more romantic, hopefully, this one was quick as I needed to get my feelings out somehow. So instead of self-harming and contemplating suicide or other sick thoughts, I'll start to write poetry.

    It is quite hard to have mental health problems and be 16 at the same time!

    But, I also tried to give a view on society by saying "why are you caring", "are you caring" etc, etc. As society watches something and suddenly they all really care about it, but what about before, what about a year later, will they/you care then? Or when people say they care, so why weren't they there?

    Sorry for getting a little emotional!

    Anyway, thanks again!
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    (Original post by Tabzqt)
    I think you should add some ice cream or rainbows to cheer it up a bit.
    I'm sorry. But my life isn't so nice!
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    (Original post by lonelybrummie)
    I'm sorry. But my life isn't so nice!
    would you like a cookie?
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    (Original post by wishful)
    nice poem! anyways, i wish you all the best with your current situation!
    Just remember that things get really really worst before they get good, and life is like a circle, so everything will balance out in the end, and i personally like to think that everything happens for a reason, and we cant control any of it, but as we live each day, things will fall into its places for the better ; )
    Thank you!

    I haven't gone to a doctor yet, I'm too scared, you see I want to join the Royal Marines as an officer and if I go to a doctor my dreams over!
    t
    But, if I don't go my life will be getting even more worse.

    Yeah, hopefully it balances out because I really need something good now, I really do.
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    (Original post by Tabzqt)
    would you like a cookie?
    A cookie?

    A Chocolate chip cookie?
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    (Original post by lonelybrummie)
    A cookie?

    A Chocolate chip cookie?
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    Why have I been negged, I haven't done anything wrong?
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    (Original post by lonelybrummie)
    Thank you!

    I'm glad you liked it, next poem I make it will be more romantic, hopefully, this one was quick as I needed to get my feelings out somehow. So instead of self-harming and contemplating suicide or other sick thoughts, I'll start to write poetry.

    It is quite hard to have mental health problems and be 16 at the same time!

    But, I also tried to give a view on society by saying "why are you caring", "are you caring" etc, etc. As society watches something and suddenly they all really care about it, but what about before, what about a year later, will they/you care then? Or when people say they care, so why weren't they there?

    Sorry for getting a little emotional!


    Anyway, thanks again!
    You should definitely continue to write poetry, you have a talent

    I remember a year or so ago when I was feeling a bit depressed, I started to write poems as a way of getting my feelings out. It is sort of therapeutic!

    Also, just to let you know things do get better!
 
 
 
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