I don't know what's up with me. I know something isn't right though.
I've been feeling down for months but only recently have started to lose interest in nearly everything.
I'm 21, I finished Uni in May and since then have been struggling for work. Worked part time for a few months then got fired, worked 7 weeks in a voluntary placement that's now finished but other than that have had little luck.
I'll be starting a teaching course in September but obviously need to find something to keep me occupied/ try and earn some money before then. The whole thing is making me really nervous though; the prospect of applying for jobs fills me with dread as I always either don't hear back or get rejected.
It's not just this though.
I started going out with a girl near the start of 2011, we had a year and 8 months together and for the most part it was the happiest time of my life so far. I've never had that many friends, just 3 or 4 close ones and when they got girlfriends when we were a bit younger I'd feel a bit lonely and bitter, I know it's wrong to feel bitter and jealous but that's how I felt at the time.
So having this relationship was a sort of invigoration for me; I finally felt really loved and cared for. Anyway, near the last few months of my relationship, things got a bit bad, we'd argue and a lot of the time it was my fault; it was often over me saying I had no money any more to do this and that. I'd spent most of my student loan on holidays together etc and as I've told you already, I wasn't getting any work.
In October of last year (2012) she split up with me. This came after many conversations about our future together, we always said we wanted to be with each other for ever, get married, have kids, etc. now that's all gone.
Whilst I was in my relationship I admit I often had to sacrifice going out with my friends as I didn't have the money to go for meals with my girlfriend and spend 30-40 pounds going clubbing with my mates any more. Obviously when we split up I was secluded and I've never really been able to work myself back into the little group of my mates. I've tried to be nice, ask them to do things and all that but they don't seem to want me 'back' as it were. My best mate constantly lies to me, doesn't answer the phone to me half the time and goes out with other people without inviting me.
I currently have no real reason to get up in the morning. I find it hard to sleep meaning I lie in 'til ridiculous times and feel awful and nervous when I wake up. I have put on nearly a stone in the last 2 months, I'm not sure if I've been eating out of boredom or to make me feel better about losing my girlfriend and feeling really lonely a lot of the time.
I can't talk to my family about how I'm feeling as I wouldn't want to upset my mum and my dad is a very quiet man.
I just feel pointless a lot of the time, and guilty. Guilty because I'm not chipping in money wise living at home, because I'm in bed whilst others have to get up and go to work and for the mistakes I've made with my girlfriend and my friends.
I've been crying a lot of nights too. I've always been really emotional for a guy but I've been crying at random stuff. Last night I just lay there at like 2 a.m numb and thinking about where my life is heading and then all of a sudden I thought of this one time about 5 months ago. I had just got insured on my mums car after 3 years without driving so my dad took me out driving just so I could get used to it again; we drove to my Grandpa's flat (my dad's dad) which was about 15 mins away. When we were there my Grandpa said he had something to show my dad, it turned out he had just bought a walking stick as he'd been having pains in his back. My dad looked at him with a look I'll never forget, it was like a 'how can you need a walking stick dad, you're a strong healthy man aren't you!?' I had to literally fight back tears on that day. When I thought about it last night I just burst into tears and couldn't seem to stop for ages.
The most scary part is, I've recently been thinking of possible suicide options. I know I would never actually go through it and its more me being dramatic and thinking of thinking if you get what I mean but just the thoughts alone are a bit concerning.
I don't know whether I should speak to my GP or not. I don't know if I'm depressed or just having a really rough 3 months or so and things will get better. I just know that something isn't quite right with how I'm feeling every day.
I know this post has been long but any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Don't know whether to speak to my GP Watch
- Thread Starter
- 03-01-2013 01:28
- 03-01-2013 03:38
It sounds like you're having a rough time at the moment Suicidal thoughts are very serious, even if you don't intend on carrying them out. You should definitely go and see your GP about how you've been feeling - write down a list of symptoms you've been experiencing if it will help. It sounds like you could be suffering from depression; your doctor will be able to diagnose and treat you or refer you on to a more specialised team. Good luck!