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Getting into a relationship to cure depression... watch

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    I know some people think it's bad to want a relationship to feel better about yourself, but I really feel this could help cure a problem I've been having. I was bullied at school for being unattractive and odd, and I've had to grow up being that abnormal girl who can't get into relationships with anyone.

    Most of my once good friends are in long term relationships and hardly ever hang with me because they spend all their time with their boyfriends or children (yes, some of them have their own children at the age of 20/21). I'm also pissed at most of my school bullies manage to get into relationships too.

    This has really screwed me up mentally, as I feel like there's something really wrong with me, and I worry that I'm missing out on something special in life. I really don't understand it as I really try to be a nice person, so why would nasty people find it easier to get into relationships? I'm upset at not knowing how to be likeable.

    I've even heard of someone who had depression, was taking antidepressants and getting counselling, but as soon as he got into a relationship it stopped. I know that's only anecdotal but at least it proves that it can and does happen.

    I wouldn't be desperate enough to just go for anyone though. Recently a massively horrible pervy guy tried to get with me but I had to refuse him as I didn't find him attractive and I had a feeling I wouldn't have felt any better being with him. But I still really crave to meet a very decent guy to fall in love with, lose my virginity and just have an awesome relationship with. I just want to help fulfil someone's life, as well as my own. I just want to be normal.

    Why isn't this happening for me? Why?

    Anyone ever felt like this? Any advice?
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    Well I'd personally say don't rush into it, but certainly start looking around for people you like. Go out with your friends & your bound to meet new people that you will like for personality or looks. Honestly personality means a lot more to me than looks, but it does help I guess. You need to find someone that will understand you which will help you find happiness.

    Now I was bullied early on & I knew quite a few douche bags (sorry that was just their attitude) and a lot of them were in relationships - however just don't concern or even compare yourself with them because why should you? I find keeping yourself busy should keep your depression at bay. Hope that helped a little, good luck.
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    (Original post by iMack)
    Well I'd personally say don't rush into it, but certainly start looking around for people you like. Go out with your friends & your bound to meet new people that you will like for personality or looks. Honestly personality means a lot more to me than looks, but it does help I guess. You need to find someone that will understand you which will help you find happiness.

    Now I was bullied early on & I knew quite a few douche bags (sorry that was just their attitude) and a lot of them were in relationships - however just don't concern or even compare yourself with them because why should you? I find keeping yourself busy should keep your depression at bay. Hope that helped a little, good luck.
    Like I said, it's hard to find any friends to go out with as they're always busy with one thing or another and we've drifted apart quite a lot. Because of that, I have no social life right now and it's so frustrating. I might go travelling this year as I actually feel like I'm never going to find someone to date in the UK but maybe I will in other countries where people are nicer and less shallow. And even if I don't find love abroad, maybe I will at least find other things to make me happy and distract myself from the pain of being alone and unattractive to men.

    Thanks for your post and good luck
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    when we are you we want to try everything, its normal to want to experience the feelings that come with intimacy from someone from the opposite sex. But in my opinion you aint really missing out on owt as (talking from experience) relationships can make you even more depressed, they are fickle affairs and you just cant trust people these days. I ve been screwed over nuf times by guys and i wished i never went there. so its probably best to just go with the flow and not think about it to much
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    when we are young* typo*
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    (Original post by Disneylover12)
    when we are you we want to try everything, its normal to want to experience the feelings that come with intimacy from someone from the opposite sex. But in my opinion you aint really missing out on owt as (talking from experience) relationships can make you even more depressed, they are fickle affairs and you just cant trust people these days. I ve been screwed over nuf times by guys and i wished i never went there. so its probably best to just go with the flow and not think about it to much
    True. But a good relationship can be amazing and make you so happy. One of my friends has been with her boyfriend since she was 14 and she's 20 now, and I'm so jealous at how lucky she got
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    I am in a long term (permanent!) relationship and have been since I was 20. I also have severe and enduring mental health problems including depression.

    My husband does make me happy, I love being in a relationship. But it hasn't fixed me. Being in a relationship is challenging, frustrating and hard work. Every Christmas I have to juggle two families, I will never have a pink bed cover, I always have to consider another person when I make plans! My married friends agree, it is endless work to make it work. It is totally worth it of course but please don't be under the illusion that relationships fix anything, or take away problems.

    I remember before we started going out I would look at my friends and I was so jealous. Because the grass is always greener! Being in a relationship won't instantly increase your self esteem, or make you feel more complete. You will just be you, in a relationship.

    Oh and you must go travelling. I got my degree, got a job, bought a house and married and then realised I will probably never be able to sack it all off to explore the world! My single friends have so much more freedom than me because they only have themselves to please.

    I think you need to fill your life, but fill your life with lovely things for you! Travel, get a hobby, go on holidays, redecorate your bedroom.

    You might find going to the GP and requestion CBT could help, CBT can help you with negative thinking and help you make goals for your future.
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    OK, thanks to you too for your replies.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I am in a long term (permanent!) relationship and have been since I was 20. I also have severe and enduring mental health problems including depression.

    My husband does make me happy, I love being in a relationship. But it hasn't fixed me. Being in a relationship is challenging, frustrating and hard work. Every Christmas I have to juggle two families, I will never have a pink bed cover, I always have to consider another person when I make plans! My married friends agree, it is endless work to make it work. It is totally worth it of course but please don't be under the illusion that relationships fix anything, or take away problems.

    I remember before we started going out I would look at my friends and I was so jealous. Because the grass is always greener! Being in a relationship won't instantly increase your self esteem, or make you feel more complete. You will just be you, in a relationship.

    Oh and you must go travelling. I got my degree, got a job, bought a house and married and then realised I will probably never be able to sack it all off to explore the world! My single friends have so much more freedom than me because they only have themselves to please.

    I think you need to fill your life, but fill your life with lovely things for you! Travel, get a hobby, go on holidays, redecorate your bedroom.

    You might find going to the GP and requestion CBT could help, CBT can help you with negative thinking and help you make goals for your future.
    Sorry, I somehow missed your post! This was a good read, thanks. I realise being the way I am with low self esteem and low confidence will make it even harder to get into a relationship anyway, so it's an annoying cycle I've been stuck in and need to break out of.

    Is there any way you could go travelling with your husband? I've read about couples who do it, some even with their kids (they have to homeschool them though). I understand it's not easy for everyone though, and I'm quite grateful to have the chance and freedom to do it

    The travelling is all I have to look forward to in my life right now. You're right, I may as well do that than carry one sulking around about my crap life doing nothing of note to improve it.
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    I'm a bit older than you but in the same boat as you with regards to friends and social life and have been for a few years now, I think this is probably the main reason why I'm single (I tried online dating with undesirable results). Like you I see people who are horrible, most of the time these people aren't good looking either, who seem to walk into relationships and I feel frustrated that I have difficulty even meeting anyone (I don't mean to sound bigheaded but I often get told that I'm a nice person and that I'm attractive). What I have recently noticed is that these people are either with people equally as bad as them or their relationships never seem to last longer than two months. I do feel depressed about my situation a lot of the time but I think it's more down to not feeling I can do much about it rather than being single itself, do you think it might be the same for you?

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    Talking from personal experience I'd say getting into a relationship to cure depression is a big no-no really.

    I'd say for me it did to an extent however relationships can end and all too many do sadly. Personally for me I found that it did lift my mood but that the relationship did determine my mood too much ie stuff goes well = really happy, uncertainty/stuff going not so well = deep depression. Which is unhealthy for you and the other person.

    Also, I really deeply regret it as being with me mustn't have been pleasant for him in my last relationship. Trouble was as I wasn't off the richter scale in terms of depression at the time so thought I was 100% fine and dandy when in fact I was ill. Not majorly but enough to effect a relationship for the worse. It's the main cause of my regret at the moment to be honest, being unwell I basically thought everything was all his fault when it was mine a lot of the time. In fact, he did really nice things for me but because I was ill I thought he was just mean. Basically, I loved him and he seemed to like me a lot and all I did was seem ungrateful.

    I honestly wish I was on some form of medication when I met him. And I am a staunch opposer of antidepressants really so that says a lot. I just hope I can make amends. Not get back together but now I'm clear headed I really want to apologize.

    So, that's my advice really, hate be a downer but being with someone when you're depressed can be a recipe for disaster.
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    (Original post by gemmam)
    I'm a bit older than you but in the same boat as you with regards to friends and social life and have been for a few years now, I think this is probably the main reason why I'm single (I tried online dating with undesirable results). Like you I see people who are horrible, most of the time these people aren't good looking either, who seem to walk into relationships and I feel frustrated that I have difficulty even meeting anyone (I don't mean to sound bigheaded but I often get told that I'm a nice person and that I'm attractive). What I have recently noticed is that these people are either with people equally as bad as them or their relationships never seem to last longer than two months. I do feel depressed about my situation a lot of the time but I think it's more down to not feeling I can do much about it rather than being single itself, do you think it might be the same for you?

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    Yes, that's exactly it. The total lack of control over when or if I'll ever meet someone I have mutual attraction with, it really gets to me. I'm so unlucky with many things and I'm getting sick of it. I think I just need to somehow get a better life overall to be able to truly feel better about being single, whether that's with or without immediately getting to a relationship.


    (Original post by LesPaul_Player91)
    Talking from personal experience I'd say getting into a relationship to cure depression is a big no-no really.

    I'd say for me it did to an extent however relationships can end and all too many do sadly. Personally for me I found that it did lift my mood but that the relationship did determine my mood too much ie stuff goes well = really happy, uncertainty/stuff going not so well = deep depression. Which is unhealthy for you and the other person.

    Also, I really deeply regret it as being with me mustn't have been pleasant for him in my last relationship. Trouble was as I wasn't off the richter scale in terms of depression at the time so thought I was 100% fine and dandy when in fact I was ill. Not majorly but enough to effect a relationship for the worse. It's the main cause of my regret at the moment to be honest, being unwell I basically thought everything was all his fault when it was mine a lot of the time. In fact, he did really nice things for me but because I was ill I thought he was just mean. Basically, I loved him and he seemed to like me a lot and all I did was seem ungrateful.

    I honestly wish I was on some form of medication when I met him. And I am a staunch opposer of antidepressants really so that says a lot. I just hope I can make amends. Not get back together but now I'm clear headed I really want to apologize.

    So, that's my advice really, hate be a downer but being with someone when you're depressed can be a recipe for disaster.
    I see what you're saying, but when one's depression is largely caused by the very fact of not being able to get into relationships, it does make me wonder what the perfect solution is. It seems to me like the logical thing to solve it would be get into a relationship, in order to negate what anyone has said or what I've felt about being incapable of relationships.

    Or course, if your depression is caused by something else entirely, especially if it's purely chemical, then I can understand why a relationship might not help. This is why I find this hard to discuss because not many people seem to understand the way I feel. Thanks a lot for your input though.
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    I've struggled with a range of mental health issues including depression, anxiety and ED's for a number of years... I've been with my boyfriend for four months now and yes he makes me happy but he hasn't magically made me better and it would be unfair on him for me to expect him to do so.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yes, that's exactly it. The total lack of control over when or if I'll ever meet someone I have mutual attraction with, it really gets to me. I'm so unlucky with many things and I'm getting sick of it. I think I just need to somehow get a better life overall to be able to truly feel better about being single, whether that's with or without immediately getting to a relationship.




    I see what you're saying, but when one's depression is largely caused by the very fact of not being able to get into relationships, it does make me wonder what the perfect solution is. It seems to me like the logical thing to solve it would be get into a relationship, in order to negate what anyone has said or what I've felt about being incapable of relationships.

    Or course, if your depression is caused by something else entirely, especially if it's purely chemical, then I can understand why a relationship might not help. This is why I find this hard to discuss because not many people seem to understand the way I feel. Thanks a lot for your input though.
    Myself I found I got less depressed about being single when I started uni as I had something else to focus on. I think what many people don't understand is when you're long term single is that sometimes you can't see yourself being any other way. This may sound silly but sometimes I'm think that some of my friends are that use to me being the token single friend that the idea of me getting into a relationship makes them uncomfortable. It could be me being paranoid but that's how I feel sometimes. I read that you're moving abroad soon, maybe you'll meet someone then. I'm thinking of moving out of my area when I graduate maybe things might pick up for me then.

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yes, that's exactly it. The total lack of control over when or if I'll ever meet someone I have mutual attraction with, it really gets to me. I'm so unlucky with many things and I'm getting sick of it. I think I just need to somehow get a better life overall to be able to truly feel better about being single, whether that's with or without immediately getting to a relationship.




    I see what you're saying, but when one's depression is largely caused by the very fact of not being able to get into relationships, it does make me wonder what the perfect solution is. It seems to me like the logical thing to solve it would be get into a relationship, in order to negate what anyone has said or what I've felt about being incapable of relationships.

    Or course, if your depression is caused by something else entirely, especially if it's purely chemical, then I can understand why a relationship might not help. This is why I find this hard to discuss because not many people seem to understand the way I feel. Thanks a lot for your input though.
    Oh yeah, everyone's experience of depression is different, just thought I'd share my own, especially as part of me did think that I'd fall in love and everything would be fine and whilst everything was great it did feel that way, of course, there are also bad times in relationships as well.

    I'm not saying that now I'm on meds and in therapy that I don't feel any angst about my failed relationships but I'm not clinically depressed because of them.
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    (Original post by gemmam)
    Myself I found I got less depressed about being single when I started uni as I had something else to focus on. I think what many people don't understand is when you're long term single is that sometimes you can't see yourself being any other way. This may sound silly but sometimes I'm think that some of my friends are that use to me being the token single friend that the idea of me getting into a relationship makes them uncomfortable. It could be me being paranoid but that's how I feel sometimes. I read that you're moving abroad soon, maybe you'll meet someone then. I'm thinking of moving out of my area when I graduate maybe things might pick up for me then.

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    The problem with me is that at times, even when I do try to focus my energy on something, the desire for a relationship and sadness of being single can overwhelm me and I can still get very down about it. Like when I tried to focus on A Levels but I still ended up failing them anyway. Maybe that was partly my fault for staying at the school where most of my bullies were, so it wasn't the most positive environment to study in, nor somewhere I was gonna meet someone to date, but I tried.

    I'm hoping the travelling is something fun I can massively focus on, and being in a different environment will be good for me.
 
 
 
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